Henry's Girlfriend
Title: Henry's Girlfriend (Who Lives in Canada)
Pairing: HenMi, ninja!KangTeuk, totallyobvious!KyuMin, not-so-ninja!SiHanChul, !Eunhae, genderconfused!Yewook with a cameo by SUPER JUNIOR'S OWN KIM KIBUM!
Genre: CRACK!
Rating: R (because Henry apparently passed his English class in giving descriptions, and Heechul is involved in some way)
Warning: THIS SONG IS FROM AVENUE Q AND I LOVE IT AND I HEARD IT AND I IMMEDIATELY THOUGHT HENRY!
Summary: Henry isn't gay. He has a girlfriend. Who just happens to live far away. In Canada.
A/n: To my dear readers, my father recently passed away, so I thought writing crack would make me happy. It did. Fanfiction writing heals all wounds - physically proven. Italics = Henry's inner monologue.
Henry's Girlfriend (Who Lives in Canada)
"And then Henry placed his hand against my ass before he walked forward in that one part..." Zhoumi relayed to Heechul who immediately started sniggering loudly.
Henry's luck would be that he sat, quitely, at the opposite end of the kitchen table as this happened.
"Is this true Henli!?" Eeteuk demanded, looking thoroughly scandalised. Henry face-palmed subtly.
"It is," smirked Kyuhyun from his corner on the couch, his laptop blocking Henry's view of his face.
Damn technology makes it hard for me to glare at the man who drove the nail into my coffin...
Looking beside the computer obsessed snark machine, Henry also noticed another thing that technology was not-so-great for.
Sungmin sat, arms crossed, glaring into nothingness, like a statue beside his roommate.
Technology is also a very effective cockblock?
Before Henry could make his realizations known to the plsent company, he was greeted by twelve pairs of eyes eyeballing him.
"So, Henli... did you really try to... feel up Zhoumi?" Siwon asked, his brow furrowed. Heechul laughed hautily.
"Stop being such a politically correct God lover, Siwon. Be blunt. Mochi, did you, or did you not, try to cop a feel of Zhoumi ultra-sexy behind?"
"I don't see how that is blunt, hyung-"
"Shut up or no sex for you. And Henryi, did this lead to thoughts of sexing up our wonderfully leggy member?"
"He's not your member Heechul-"
"Shut up! Hannie and I adopted him."
"Heechul-hyung-nim... I really don't see what this means-?"
"Just answer the question Henli!"
"Don't snap at him..." Zhoumi pleaded. Heechul withdrew immediately.
"I'm sorry I yelled at your boyfriend."
"I'm not his boyfriend!" Henry yelled, feeling very sefl conscious.
Casting a quick glance to the couch, he noticed Sungmin and Kyuhyun had convieniently disappeared.
"Henli, love, you know that its okay to have certain feelings for other boys, don't you? You that it is perfectly normal to be... um... turned on by certain things about other people of the same gender... Just know that we understand and we won't love you any less-"
"Eeteuk-hyung, it's not that, its..."
Think Henry, think!
"I have a girlfriend!"
Reactions were mixed, like that bag of lollies Henry had scored for free from the candy vendor.
Heechul's jaw hit the floor while Kangin immediately rose -not to attack Henry- but to restrain Eeteuk who had pounced for said boy. Hangeng sighed as he and Siwon put their strength to the test by trying to restore Heechul's jaw to its rightful position. Kibum shrugged non-chalantly while Shindong made for a hi-five. Eunhyuk spurted the strawberry milk he had been drinking all over Donghae who then had to leave the table, laughing manically, to get changed. Eunhyuk followed moments later. Yesung squealed like a girl, but no one noticed because all of the attention was on Henry. Ryeowook, who sat bedside Zhoumi, sulked inwardly. Said tall man pouted.
Kyuhyun and Sungmin could not be seen, but everyone could here their opinions on the matter.
Heechul was first to regain his composure; no thanks to Hankyung and Siwon.
He smirked crudely before folding his arms across his chest.
"Oh really," he taunted. "Tell us about her then?"
"Yeah, why haven't I met her, Henli?"
"Um that's because..."
"You don't have one?" Heechul prompted.
"NO! I mean, no. It's because she... ah... she... lives in... Canada!"
Yeah, that'll work Henry!
Eeteuk cleared his throat.
"So... tell us about this...*cough* Girlfriend."
"Um... well, her name is... Alberta... yeah... and she lives in... Vancouver..."
"You seem unsure..." Zhoumi replied with mirth in his eyes. Henry glared at the (much) taller man.
"What else can I tell you... um... she cooks like my mother..."
"That's great!" Shindong hi-fived. Heechul sent the large man a disbelieving look.
"Well, how far have you gone with her then?" Kangin asked, interested.
"I haven't seen her in ages... but... let's just say... she sucks like a hoover..."
"HENLI! LANGUAGE!" Eeteuk covered his ears as he screamed.
In the background the members swore they heard Kyuhyun screaming.
"Sorry hyung..."
"What about her personality?" Ryeowook asked, his head buried into Yesung's shoulder from all the screaming. So much emotion made him cry.
"She couldn't be sweeter!~ I wish you could meet her! Really, you'd love her!" Henry hoped his (totally) fake smile went unnoticed.
"How often do you speak with her?" Zhoumi prodded.
"I email her every single day."
I should win an award for this performance!
"Really..." Zhoumi appeared to be thinking.
"Has she visited you while you were here?" Yesung asked, suddenly propping himself upright, causing Ryeowook to slide off his shoulder and head-first into his lap.
"Last time she was here... she had the flu... She really wanted to meet you guys too..." Henry pulled out the puppy dog eyes. Eeteuk melted.
"That's so sad. Henli! You have to promise us that we can meet her next time!" the mother leader of the group.
Henry smiled semi-sincerely as Zhoumi quietly slinked out of the room unnoticed.
"Hyungs, I'm tired and... I need to email Vancouver, I mean, Alberta. So, I'm gonna go to sleep and... stuff... night!"
"Good night, my Henli!"
"Tell Alberta we can't wait to meet her!"
"Give her our love!"
"Screw that idea, just give her hot cybersex!"
"Heechul!"
"What? You know he's gonna do it!"
"Henli! You do that, I'll confiscate your computer and phone!"
"Can I have it?"
"No, Kyuhyun... Kyuhyun? Where the hell have you been?"
"Well I was being thoroughly fucked-"
"LANGUAGE!"
"Figuratively-"
"Figuratively my ass."
"I don't want your ass hyung."
"Snarky magnae! You're gonna get it-"
"Well then why are you here now, Kyuhyun-ah?"
"Zhoumi asked me to do something with his computer so I had to stop being figuratively fucked and help him."
"It's unlike you to help people-"
"He blackmailed me."
"Seasoning is a boy after my own heart!"
"What did he want you to do?"
"Hack into someone's email account. Nothing big. It was probably his own, seeing as he always forgets his passwords. The address was something like xozhoumiloveox@unbelieveableme.com"
Henry paled.
He wouldn't!
"Goodnight everyone!"
He would...
Henry walked in the door and found Zhoumi tying madly away on his computer before turning around with the look of insanity a serial killed gives his prey.
"Gege, I can explain!-"
"So you're not gay Henry?"
"Gege listen I-"
"And you have a wonderful girlfriend?"
"Gege... this isn't-"
"And you can't wait to eat her pussy again?"
"Gege... it really isn't-"
"And you don't write long detailed emails about what you want to do to me in my sleep?"
"Please gege, listen-"
"You don't have a girlfriend, do you Henry?"
Henry sighed, resignedly.
"...No... but-"
"You are gay." This was a statement.
"....Maybe... but-"
"You do dream about 'sexing' me up'."
"... Where'd you get that idea from?"
Zhoumi glowered at him. Henry gulped.
"...Y-yes"
"Do you love me?"
That was sudden?
"... What does this have to do with-?"
"ANSWER THE DAMN QUESTION HENRY!"
He does take after Heechul...
"I... I- Yes, okay! I think I like you a lot!"
"But is it love?"
"I... don't know?"
"YOU CANNOT PASS ON THIS QUESTION!"
Yep, definitely takes after Heechul
"Fine, okay. I think I love you! Happy now?"
"Utterly."
And then Zhoumi kissed him.
I could've saved myself an entire half hour of arguing if I'd just skipped to this
"Want to sex me up now?"
"Now?"
"Henry, fuck me or I tell everyone about Alberta."
"Fine..."
SPAWN OF HEECHUL!
"... How exactly did you get Kyuhyun into hacking my account?"
"... Ever wondered why it's Kyuhyun who screams?"
"... Point taken."
"... Henry?"
"Yeah?"
"Can we fuck like rabbits now?"
"...Sure thing?"
Zhoumi positioned himself on top of Henry.
"Oh, one thing."
"What is it Mi? You're heavy..."
"When I finished with you, you're gonna be screaming Alberta"
FUCKING BITCH!
Pairing: HenMi, ninja!KangTeuk, totallyobvious!KyuMin, not-so-ninja!SiHanChul, !Eunhae, genderconfused!Yewook with a cameo by SUPER JUNIOR'S OWN KIM KIBUM!
Genre: CRACK!
Rating: R (because Henry apparently passed his English class in giving descriptions, and Heechul is involved in some way)
Warning: THIS SONG IS FROM AVENUE Q AND I LOVE IT AND I HEARD IT AND I IMMEDIATELY THOUGHT HENRY!
Summary: Henry isn't gay. He has a girlfriend. Who just happens to live far away. In Canada.
A/n: To my dear readers, my father recently passed away, so I thought writing crack would make me happy. It did. Fanfiction writing heals all wounds - physically proven. Italics = Henry's inner monologue.
Henry's Girlfriend (Who Lives in Canada)
"And then Henry placed his hand against my ass before he walked forward in that one part..." Zhoumi relayed to Heechul who immediately started sniggering loudly.
Henry's luck would be that he sat, quitely, at the opposite end of the kitchen table as this happened.
"Is this true Henli!?" Eeteuk demanded, looking thoroughly scandalised. Henry face-palmed subtly.
"It is," smirked Kyuhyun from his corner on the couch, his laptop blocking Henry's view of his face.
Damn technology makes it hard for me to glare at the man who drove the nail into my coffin...
Looking beside the computer obsessed snark machine, Henry also noticed another thing that technology was not-so-great for.
Sungmin sat, arms crossed, glaring into nothingness, like a statue beside his roommate.
Technology is also a very effective cockblock?
Before Henry could make his realizations known to the plsent company, he was greeted by twelve pairs of eyes eyeballing him.
"So, Henli... did you really try to... feel up Zhoumi?" Siwon asked, his brow furrowed. Heechul laughed hautily.
"Stop being such a politically correct God lover, Siwon. Be blunt. Mochi, did you, or did you not, try to cop a feel of Zhoumi ultra-sexy behind?"
"I don't see how that is blunt, hyung-"
"Shut up or no sex for you. And Henryi, did this lead to thoughts of sexing up our wonderfully leggy member?"
"He's not your member Heechul-"
"Shut up! Hannie and I adopted him."
"Heechul-hyung-nim... I really don't see what this means-?"
"Just answer the question Henli!"
"Don't snap at him..." Zhoumi pleaded. Heechul withdrew immediately.
"I'm sorry I yelled at your boyfriend."
"I'm not his boyfriend!" Henry yelled, feeling very sefl conscious.
Casting a quick glance to the couch, he noticed Sungmin and Kyuhyun had convieniently disappeared.
"Henli, love, you know that its okay to have certain feelings for other boys, don't you? You that it is perfectly normal to be... um... turned on by certain things about other people of the same gender... Just know that we understand and we won't love you any less-"
"Eeteuk-hyung, it's not that, its..."
Think Henry, think!
"I have a girlfriend!"
Reactions were mixed, like that bag of lollies Henry had scored for free from the candy vendor.
Heechul's jaw hit the floor while Kangin immediately rose -not to attack Henry- but to restrain Eeteuk who had pounced for said boy. Hangeng sighed as he and Siwon put their strength to the test by trying to restore Heechul's jaw to its rightful position. Kibum shrugged non-chalantly while Shindong made for a hi-five. Eunhyuk spurted the strawberry milk he had been drinking all over Donghae who then had to leave the table, laughing manically, to get changed. Eunhyuk followed moments later. Yesung squealed like a girl, but no one noticed because all of the attention was on Henry. Ryeowook, who sat bedside Zhoumi, sulked inwardly. Said tall man pouted.
Kyuhyun and Sungmin could not be seen, but everyone could here their opinions on the matter.
Heechul was first to regain his composure; no thanks to Hankyung and Siwon.
He smirked crudely before folding his arms across his chest.
"Oh really," he taunted. "Tell us about her then?"
"Yeah, why haven't I met her, Henli?"
"Um that's because..."
"You don't have one?" Heechul prompted.
"NO! I mean, no. It's because she... ah... she... lives in... Canada!"
Yeah, that'll work Henry!
Eeteuk cleared his throat.
"So... tell us about this...*cough* Girlfriend."
"Um... well, her name is... Alberta... yeah... and she lives in... Vancouver..."
"You seem unsure..." Zhoumi replied with mirth in his eyes. Henry glared at the (much) taller man.
"What else can I tell you... um... she cooks like my mother..."
"That's great!" Shindong hi-fived. Heechul sent the large man a disbelieving look.
"Well, how far have you gone with her then?" Kangin asked, interested.
"I haven't seen her in ages... but... let's just say... she sucks like a hoover..."
"HENLI! LANGUAGE!" Eeteuk covered his ears as he screamed.
In the background the members swore they heard Kyuhyun screaming.
"Sorry hyung..."
"What about her personality?" Ryeowook asked, his head buried into Yesung's shoulder from all the screaming. So much emotion made him cry.
"She couldn't be sweeter!~ I wish you could meet her! Really, you'd love her!" Henry hoped his (totally) fake smile went unnoticed.
"How often do you speak with her?" Zhoumi prodded.
"I email her every single day."
I should win an award for this performance!
"Really..." Zhoumi appeared to be thinking.
"Has she visited you while you were here?" Yesung asked, suddenly propping himself upright, causing Ryeowook to slide off his shoulder and head-first into his lap.
"Last time she was here... she had the flu... She really wanted to meet you guys too..." Henry pulled out the puppy dog eyes. Eeteuk melted.
"That's so sad. Henli! You have to promise us that we can meet her next time!" the mother leader of the group.
Henry smiled semi-sincerely as Zhoumi quietly slinked out of the room unnoticed.
"Hyungs, I'm tired and... I need to email Vancouver, I mean, Alberta. So, I'm gonna go to sleep and... stuff... night!"
"Good night, my Henli!"
"Tell Alberta we can't wait to meet her!"
"Give her our love!"
"Screw that idea, just give her hot cybersex!"
"Heechul!"
"What? You know he's gonna do it!"
"Henli! You do that, I'll confiscate your computer and phone!"
"Can I have it?"
"No, Kyuhyun... Kyuhyun? Where the hell have you been?"
"Well I was being thoroughly fucked-"
"LANGUAGE!"
"Figuratively-"
"Figuratively my ass."
"I don't want your ass hyung."
"Snarky magnae! You're gonna get it-"
"Well then why are you here now, Kyuhyun-ah?"
"Zhoumi asked me to do something with his computer so I had to stop being figuratively fucked and help him."
"It's unlike you to help people-"
"He blackmailed me."
"Seasoning is a boy after my own heart!"
"What did he want you to do?"
"Hack into someone's email account. Nothing big. It was probably his own, seeing as he always forgets his passwords. The address was something like xozhoumiloveox@unbelieveableme.com"
Henry paled.
He wouldn't!
"Goodnight everyone!"
He would...
Henry walked in the door and found Zhoumi tying madly away on his computer before turning around with the look of insanity a serial killed gives his prey.
"Gege, I can explain!-"
"So you're not gay Henry?"
"Gege listen I-"
"And you have a wonderful girlfriend?"
"Gege... this isn't-"
"And you can't wait to eat her pussy again?"
"Gege... it really isn't-"
"And you don't write long detailed emails about what you want to do to me in my sleep?"
"Please gege, listen-"
"You don't have a girlfriend, do you Henry?"
Henry sighed, resignedly.
"...No... but-"
"You are gay." This was a statement.
"....Maybe... but-"
"You do dream about 'sexing' me up'."
"... Where'd you get that idea from?"
Zhoumi glowered at him. Henry gulped.
"...Y-yes"
"Do you love me?"
That was sudden?
"... What does this have to do with-?"
"ANSWER THE DAMN QUESTION HENRY!"
He does take after Heechul...
"I... I- Yes, okay! I think I like you a lot!"
"But is it love?"
"I... don't know?"
"YOU CANNOT PASS ON THIS QUESTION!"
Yep, definitely takes after Heechul
"Fine, okay. I think I love you! Happy now?"
"Utterly."
And then Zhoumi kissed him.
I could've saved myself an entire half hour of arguing if I'd just skipped to this
"Want to sex me up now?"
"Now?"
"Henry, fuck me or I tell everyone about Alberta."
"Fine..."
SPAWN OF HEECHUL!
"... How exactly did you get Kyuhyun into hacking my account?"
"... Ever wondered why it's Kyuhyun who screams?"
"... Point taken."
"... Henry?"
"Yeah?"
"Can we fuck like rabbits now?"
"...Sure thing?"
Zhoumi positioned himself on top of Henry.
"Oh, one thing."
"What is it Mi? You're heavy..."
"When I finished with you, you're gonna be screaming Alberta"
FUCKING BITCH!