The Sun Behind Your Eyes
The Sun Behind Your Eyes
Pairing: Taeyeon/Tiffany
Rating: PG
Word Count: ~4600
A/N: Not real. AU. First fic, be gentle (>u < ") Supposed to be a Valentine's Day present but it's late.
It was by some cruel twist of fate that made Taeyeon and Tiffany roommates. Music majors and Arts majors would never share the same rooms as the school had some weird policy of assigning students doing the same major into the same rooms.
The policy apparently minimized fights because if you put the apples with apples and the oranges with oranges, there would be world peace.
But Tiffany had checked into the hostel late, so had Taeyeon. And the rest of the school had checked in early. So they were the odd ones left and when dormitory administration asked if it was okay they were assigned to the same room, they couldn’t find a reason to disagree.
At least Taeyeon didn’t, even though the girl standing in front of her had a weird bandana tied around her head and wore a dress that looked like it had several cans of paint of different colors thrown on it.
And when she wrote down her particulars in the forms the administrator gave them, the array of bracelets and charms she wore on her wrists jangled loudly.
Sharing a room with an eccentric Arts student was fine.
The cruel part happened when Tiffany had turned towards Taeyeon in the administration office after they had finished filling up all the paperwork.
“Hey, I guess we’re roommates now. My name is Tiffany, what’s yours?”
Tiffany smiled and held out her hand. It was blinding, like the sun was hiding behind those crescent eyes.
Taeyeon took Tiffany’s hand awkwardly and responded with a lopsided smile.
Sharing a room with an eccentric Arts student who lights up your world with just a smile and takes your heart away with just a simple handshake? Not fine.
*
Their room was bigger than Taeyeon had expected a dorm room to be. It had its own toilet and a bed, closet and desk for each of them.
Taeyeon walked to the window and looked out. She could see the other dorm buildings outside but it had a great view of the sky. She turned around and looked at Tiffany, who was already unpacking her stuff on the bed nearer to the door.
Tiffany caught her stare and said, “Oh, it’s fine. You can take the bed at the window. I don’t really like waking up with the sun in my eyes.”
Taeyeon mumbled a word of thanks.
When she finished unpacking the small bag of belongings that she had gathered together in a rush to get to the campus, she sat on the edge of her bed and watched Tiffany.
She had filled her closet with various articles of clothing from flowery dresses to leopard print stockings. Some of those clothes, Taeyeon wouldn’t even be caught looking at them when shopping. There were also a lot of pink shirts. Pink in more shades than Taeyeon had ever seen.
Tiffany was now tacking up all sorts of posters on the wall at her side of the room. They were mostly of boy bands or random abstract illustrations. There was only one picture showing a blond girl lying on her chest in a bed. Her hair hid most of the side of her face.
“Who’s that?” Taeyeon asked.
“Her? Just a friend,” Tiffany sounded hesitant to say anymore but added, “it’s a photograph that I took myself and I won a little prize with it in a competition. I’m very proud of it.”
“I think it’s great picture.” Taeyeon offered, unsure of what to say.
“Thank you.” And the room was silent again.
But the silence was soon broken by the appearance of a girl at their open doorway. She and Tiffany became fast friends and rambled on for what seemed like 15 minutes.
They finally stopped talking and the girl left. Tiffany told Taeyeon there was going to be a party tonight at the huge park they had within campus grounds.
Tiffany was invited, and so was Taeyeon.
*
Taeyeon spent the entire night watching Tiffany.
She got so wasted and hooked up with every guy that presented himself to her. Then one of them tried to take off with Tiffany into the bushes. Taeyeon couldn’t stand by just watching anymore. She punched the guy in the gut and ran all the way back to the dorm, dragging Tiffany along with her.
Back in their room, Tiffany kicked up a huge fuss.
“What did you drag me back for? I wouldn’t have let him do anything to me.”
The guy practically had his hand down your pants, Taeyeon wanted to argue. Instead, she attempted to put Tiffany into bed.
Tiffany resisted her maneuvers and sat at the edge of her bed, shouting for more alcohol.
She fell silent abruptly. Then there was vomit all over the floor.
It’s gonna be a long night, Taeyeon thought.
*
There was a gentle voice calling her name.
She opened her eyes reluctantly. The sunlight burned her eyes and she squeezed them shut again.
“Taetae, wake up or you’re gonna be late for class!” The voice insisted.
Taetae?
Taeyeon shot upright on her bed. She studied the girl staring at her. Her hair was wet, probably from the bath she just took. She wore a baby pink shirt which said “I love pink!” in white letters and a long white skirt. Her wrists displayed her usual armor of bracelets.
“Tiffany?” Taeyeon asked incredulously. It’s surprising how a girl who was so drunk last night could put herself together so well the next morning. “Are you okay?”
“Who else?” Tiffany laughed. “And I’m fine! Why wouldn’t I be?”
“You were-”
“No time Taetae! You have ten minutes!” Tiffany interrupted and ushered Taeyeon into the bathroom.
Taeyeon looked into the bathroom mirror. Oh my god, she has no idea.
*
“Taeyeon, this is Jessica,” Yuri said, motioning at the girl with shoulder-length brown hair who just walked into the cafe. “She’s my roommate and…”
Yuri looked at the Jessica who looked right back at her. They blushed and giggled.
“Girlfriend?” Taeyeon offered. “Nice to meet you, Jessica. But tell me, how much did Yuri pay you to pretend to be her girlfriend? You’re too pretty for her.”
“Yah Taeyeon!” Yuri exclaimed. Jessica laughed loudly.
“I’m really happy for the both of you,” Taeyeon said and gulped her black coffee greedily. Tiffany hadn’t puked all over the place last night but she was still quite a handful to put into bed.
“What about you Taeyeon? Did you meet anyone?” Yuri asked.
Yeah, I did. There’s this girl with a beautiful smile. But she has a penchant for getting drunk, making out with random guys and vomiting all over the place, and not necessarily in that order. Oh and did I mention she remembers nothing of what she does? Yeah she’s perfect.
Even in Taeyeon’s head, it sounded like a scene straight out of an angsty drama for teens.
“No, not really.”
*
One week into school, Taeyeon noticed something different about the wall on Tiffany’s side of the room.
There was a glaring empty space, right above Tiffany’s pillow. The space where the photograph she took used to be.
It had obviously been ripped out; there were still shreds of paper on the four corners where Tiffany had used tape to hold the picture in place.
Taeyeon asked Tiffany what happened to the picture.
“Oh, I got sick of looking at it all the time. It kinda suppressed my creative instincts, y’know.”
There was a trace of bitterness in her voice. But Taeyeon didn’t probe any further.
That night, Tiffany tried to bring a guy into their room. She was drunk as usual, or maybe even more than usual. Taeyeon could smell the alcohol even when she was in bed and Tiffany was in the doorway.
Fortunately, the jerk that was with her was also drunk out of the world. Taeyeon shoved him outside with a kick and slammed the door shut.
Taeyeon understood then, the real reason why Tiffany chose the bed near the door. It made it easier for her to run away.
*
It took Taeyeon five classes into her Music Composition module before she realized she had been spacing out at this boy who had a shock of platinum blond hair.
It was not just his hair color that made him stand out. It was also his flamboyant tastes in fashion. From scarves with zebra stripes to studded leather shoes, he could look like a preppy rich brat in one class and an eye-liner wearing punk in the next. He reminded her of a certain someone who made equally questionable fashion choices.
But the funny thing was that he was also staring back at her. Or at least, he had been spacing out in her direction.
Once she caught him smiling at one of the lecturer’s bad jokes. His eyes curved into crescents just like Tiffany’s and the room seemed to become a little brighter. He caught her staring and his smile shrunk into a small smirk. Taeyeon just looked away, blushing.
Then, the week before term-break, he was dressed in an all-black ensemble - a baggy sweater, jeans and a long raggedy scarf - which made his newly dyed pink hair seem like it was giving out its own light.
He walked up to her and slid a tiny piece of paper on her desk. He tucked one side of her hair behind her ear and walked away.
Taeyeon opened the note. It could be a warning from him to stop all her creepy staring.
Scrawled in a big loopy script that filled the entire area of the paper were his name and a string of numbers.
Jiyong.
*
Taeyeon lied on her side in her bed, and was looking out of the window. The sky was splotched with orange and red. In her hand was a crumpled ball of paper.
Saturday evening. She didn’t feel like doing anything but mope about her loneliness.
There was a noisy vibration from her bedside table. It was a text message from Tiffany.
Party. Cute guys. Fun. Those were the only words in the message that Taeyeon registered. She let her phone fall beside her pillow. She smoothed out the crumpled paper that she was holding.
Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany. She had become a constant buzz in Taeyeon’s head.
“Jiyong,” Taeyeon whispered to herself. Maybe it helped to drown out all the Tiffanys in her head.
Maybe he’ll get your mind off Tiffany.
She sat up and hastily punched a message to the number he had given.
*
They had their first date under a tree. It was at the park where the students always had parties. Jiyong led her to a secluded spot. It was quiet and there was a great view of the sky.
He wore a purple windbreaker. Her favorite color because it matched pink.
Tiffany, Tiffany, Tiffany. I hope she isn’t drinking too much.
He had lit some candles on one side of the tree. They ate turkey sandwiches which he brought in a Tupperware container. Taeyeon wonders if he made them himself. They tasted like something you could order in a restaurant. They talked about music while gazing at the night sky and drank straight from the bottle of fruit wine he had also brought along. When he saw her rubbing the sides of her arms, he took off his windbreaker and draped it around her. It smelled nice.
She blushed and muttered, “Thank you.” He ruffled her hair and gave her a crescent-eyed smile.
Tiffany, Tiffany, Tiffany. I hope she isn’t letting those douchebags touch her all over.
There isn’t a single thing not to like about this guy. He was perfect.
Tiffany, Tiffany, Tiffany. I hope she isn’t screwing one of them right now.
It didn’t help much after all.
*
A tree became their tree.
Taeyeon started hanging out more with Jiyong than going to those parties Tiffany was always invited to, even if she still thought about what Tiffany was doing at those parties when she was with Jiyong.
She would still go back to her room to a pissed drunk Tiffany and she would still take care of the girl like she had always done since the very first day.
But at least now she didn’t have to see her get wasted. Or see her make out with all those guys.
Jiyong did most of the talking and he told most of the jokes while she just played along. It was easy being with Jiyong. She didn’t have to try to impress him or think of something witty to say to break the silence.
Tonight, they had already finished their bottle of wine and run out of conversational topics.
Her stomach was comfortably hot and she was staring at the night sky, relishing the cool breeze on her warm cheeks.
He asked her suddenly, “Tae, have you ever loved someone whom you’re not supposed to love?” The usual hint of playfulness was missing from the tone of his question.
Taeyeon understood exactly what he was trying to ask. But she pretended to be naive. “Like someone whom your parents would disapprove because they were a bad influence on you?”
“Yeah like that, but more. More than just your parents, the society would look down on your love.”
Taeyeon shrugged. “I don’t know.”
*
Back at the dorm, Taeyeon found the door to her room open. She found Tiffany lying on the floor, just barely inside the room.
She pulled the intoxicated girl up and dragged her to the bed. The usual routine.
When Taeyeon put a hot towel over Tiffany’s forehead, she seemed to regain some consciousness.
“Taetae… Have you ever loved someone you’re not supposed to love?” Tiffany blubbered.
Taeyeon was stunned. She made no reply and only flipped the hot towel over to the other side.
Tiffany didn’t speak anymore. But she pulled Taeyeon’s arm, which was adjusting the towel, into a tight embrace. Taeyeon tried to move her arm away but she didn’t want to stir the sleeping girl.
Resigned to her fate, she sank onto the floor. She rested her head on her free arm and watched Tiffany. Tiffany had really long eyelashes, Taeyeon made a mental note.
“I love you.”
*
There isn’t anyone else better than him, was all Taeyeon thought when Jiyong kissed her. She knew it was going to happen sooner or later. It happened there, under their tree.
There was obviously someone who was better: Tiffany. But if Tiffany wasn’t the one to take her first kiss, then the one must be Jiyong.
She closed her eyes, trying to let herself go into the flow. But underneath her eyelids, she was blinded by Tiffany and her mega-watt smile. Tiffany smiling her stupid mega-watt smile like she had sunshine bursting out from her.
She opened her eyes, hoping the imaginary Tiffany she was kissing would go away. She didn’t. Tiffany had morphed herself onto Jiyong’s face and Tiffany was kissing her. All Taeyeon could see was the long fluttering eyelashes.
Jiyong pulled away abruptly. He mumbled something.
Taeyeon only looked at him in silence. “Sorry, sorry, sorry. I’m so sorry, Tae,” he kept apologizing profusely.
It sounded to Taeyeon as if he was really apologizing to himself.
“Do you remember, Tae? The question I asked you that night?”
Taeyeon remembered. She remained quiet and ran her hand through his silvery mohawk that she had helped him bleach a few days before. He looked up at her and she could see her pain mirrored in his eyes.
“I’m so sorry, Tae. I’m-, I think I’m gay,” he muttered. Taeyeon moved her hand and held his hands gently.
“You don’t have to be ashamed of who you are.”
“Tae, you don’t understand. I used you.”
“I do understand, G. I understand because I used you too.”
Taeyeon smiled. Jiyong thought it looked way more melancholic than the tears he had choked up in his throat.
*
When Taeyeon witnessed the scene in the music room that fateful afternoon, she had to rub her eyes, blink several times and pinch herself before she would believe she was not hallucinating or having strangely realistic fantasies about Tiffany.
She had used the room in between classes to practice the piano and lost track of time. She must have left her folder behind in a rush to get to her next class.
A tinkle of piano keys led her to the door of the music room. She saw Tiffany seated behind the grand piano with a girl beside her.
Taeyeon saw the girl’s slender fingers creeping across black and white to touch Tiffany’s hand. Taeyeon saw her leaning in closer while enchanting Tiffany with her eyes. Taeyeon saw her planting a peck innocently on Tiffany’s lips.
Taeyeon expected to hear a shriek, in which case she was prepared to dash into music room and remove Tiffany from the scene before she caused a big fuss.
Tiffany only smiled and kissed her back.
Taeyeon left her folder of sheet music behind again.
*
Taeyeon spends the next few nights in Jiyong’s room or the room Yuri and Jessica shared. Mostly Jiyong’s since his roommate was almost never in the room at all and also because Yuri and Jessica went at it almost every night.
She only returned to her room - for a change of clothes or for the textbook needed in the next class - when she was sure Tiffany wouldn’t be around. She had Tiffany’s schedule of course, so avoiding her was easy. Easy if not for the pink Post-It notes Tiffany had started to leave on her desk.
Hey, where were you last night?
Been busy? Missed you in the morning.
Is something wrong? Tell me.
I miss you.
Taeyeon would have left all of them untouched but for one which she just couldn’t resist taking. She lifted it up from the surface of the table gingerly and folded it into half before putting it in the breast pocket on the inside of her jacket.
Close, but not close enough.
*
“Taeyeon-ah, it’s been two weeks.”
“Two weeks of what?” Taeyeon asked, feigning ignorance.
“Two weeks of being in my room or Yuri’s room. Two weeks of avoiding her. Two weeks of running away.”
“I’m not running away.”
“Explain then, what you’re doing here, hogging my bed when you have your own. All these nights of sleeping on the floor is giving me backaches!”
“I was more than willing to share your bed with you but you insisted on sleeping on the floor yourself. And then there’s also your roommate’s bed but you never use it.”
“I’m sorry. I’m gay and I wouldn’t like to be accidentally groping your hooters while I’m sleeping. And my roommate’s bed stinks so sleeping in it isn’t an option.” Jiyong took a huge gulp from the can of beer he was holding.
“But that’s not the point here. The point is, stop running away, Taeyeon.”
“Like I said, I’m not running away.”
“Yes you are. And you know what?”
“What?” And before Jiyong could respond, there was a knock on his door. Jiyong smiled and went to the door. When he opened it, Seunghyun, a guy Jiyong met soon after he came out to Taeyeon, bounced in excitedly, a huge grin plastered on his face.
“Hi Taeyeon.”
“So here’s what. Seunghyun’s gonna stay here tonight. Which means that you,” Jiyong nodded in Taeyeon’s direction, “will have to go.”
Taeyeon groaned.
“I’m sorry I have to do this Tae, but it’s time you stopped running away.” Jiyong said sympathetically as he escorted her to his doorway.
“You’re a great friend really, G.”
“And you too. Did I mention that Jessica and Yuri are probably going at it like rabbits right now, so it isn’t a good idea to intrude on them, yeah?” Jiyong added and gave Taeyeon a wide smile.
Before Taeyeon could retort, Jiyong closed the door. Behind it came the muffled voice of Seunghyun, saying, “good luck, Taeyeon!”
*
Taeyeon took her time to walk from the boys’ dorm to the girls’ dorm. She slunk onto the floor when she got to the door of her room.
The hallway was dead quiet. No wild parties on a Sunday night.
She took the Post-It note out of her pocket. Weeks of fiddling had reduced it to a creased mess that wouldn’t stick onto to anything. She stared at the words on it, which had remained crisp and unsmudged.
I miss you.
Taeyeon wondered if it still held true for Tiffany.
The silence and darkness in the hallway was getting to her. She tried the door with her key but found it unlocked.
“Seriously, this girl.”
She walked to her bed, making sure she took each step as quietly as possible, without a single glance to Tiffany’s bed.
The moonlight from the window illuminated her bed. Tiffany was sleeping in it.
Taeyeon let out a loud laugh. The girl in her bed stirred.
Taeyeon knelt down at the bedside. She lifted her hand and swept Tiffany’s bangs behind her ear but Tiffany didn’t move this time. The moonlight that shone down on her made her skin pale. The jewelry of the piercings on her ear glittered. Tiffany looked like an ethereal being.
There’s an angel sleeping in my bed.
Taeyeon spent the next few minutes watching Tiffany sleep. She was falling asleep when she suddenly heard an incoherent mumbling coming from Tiffany.
Taeyeon caressed Tiffany’s head in an attempt to soothe the sleeping girl. Tiffany snuggled closer to her hand.
“Jessie…” Taeyeon heard her say.
Jessie?
*
It was 6 A.M. in the morning. Yuri, dressed up in a tracksuit for her morning jog, opened her door to find Taeyeon sitting outside her door.
Taeyeon stood up and looked at Yuri directly in her eyes, “Where’s Jessica?”
“Inside, but what are you-”
Taeyeon stormed past Yuri into the room. Jessica stepped out of the bathroom, and noticing Taeyeon, said, “Whoa Taeyeon, early morning huh?”
Taeyeon ignored her comment. “Jessica, you used to dye your hair blonde, didn’t you?”
“Yeah, but how did you know that? And does that have anything to do with you being here so early in the morning?”
“Tiffany.” Taeyeon said simply.
“Tiffany?” Jessica and Yuri echoed in unison. Jessica looked surprised and bewildered while Yuri simply looked confused.
“Stephanie Hwang Mi Young. That school she went to, you went there too, didn’t you? You knew each other.”
“Oh my god,” and Jessica’s eyes widened in sudden realization. “Steph… I’m so sorry Taeyeon, I had no idea.”
“What’s going on here?” Yuri asked, with frustration evident in her voice. Taeyeon gave no reply and ran out of the room.
*
If she could take another look at the photograph now, Taeyeon was sure she would be able to recognize that it was Jessica lying on the bed, with her hair covering up her face.
She understood now why Tiffany had been so destructive. Messing around with all those guys and getting wasted.
She understood now why Tiffany had torn off the picture that she had so carefully taped onto the wall barely one week into school. She had seen Yuri and Jessica together.
She understood now why it was impossible for them to be together. Tiffany had loved Jessica all along and maybe she had found a replacement for Jessica; the other girl in the music room.
Why couldn’t it have been me?
She sat below the tree she always came with Jiyong. The sun was shining brightly now but the tree provided a cool shade. She closed her eyes. She could feel wetness staining her cheeks.
And then she could feel a hand wiping away the moisture. She kept her eyes closed. “Jiyong? Go away.” Taeyeon said but received no reply.
An angel?
Taeyeon opened her eyes but her vision was blurry from her tears. She rubbed them and saw Tiffany sitting beside her.
Taeyeon stared at Tiffany in silence, stunned. She let Tiffany wipe away the remaining tears on her face.
“How did you know I was here?”
“Jiyong told me.”
“Jiyong?”
“Yeah, you left your phone on the floor and I nearly stepped on it this morning. When I picked it up, Jiyong called and I answered.”
Taeyeon wondered if Jiyong told Tiffany something.
“I’m sorry.” Tiffany continued.
“No, it’s okay. I left my phone on the floor.”
“No, it’s not about picking up your call. I’m sorry, for what I’ve done.”
“You didn’t do anything. You were just heartbroken. Jessica broke your heart.”
“You know about Jessica?” Tiffany asked, genuinely shocked.
Taeyeon looked away from Tiffany and said, “She’s dating my friend, Yuri,”
“I’ll admit I hooked up with all those guys because I knew it would make Jessica mad. She did get angry but not for the reasons I hoped she would get mad about. She confronted me, saying she wasn’t jealous and she just couldn’t stand the way I was throwing myself around. I realized how stupid I was being. I don’t love her anymore, Taeyeon.”
“Of course, you have that girl now, haven’t you?” The sourness in her own words stung Taeyeon.
“This isn’t about Juhyun. I know you loved me, Taeyeon.”
Taeyeon felt defensive. Impulsively, she blurted, “Did Jiyong tell you that? He’s lying.”
“Jiyong didn’t tell me anything other than the fact that I’d find you here. I knew you loved me. I knew it from the way you’d always be cleaning up after my drunken mess
“You’re my roommate. I wasn’t supposed to leave you in the lurch.”
“I thought it was like that too at first. But that morning when I woke up, I was holding your arm and you were sitting at the bedside sleeping. When you woke up, I pretended I was still asleep. I pretended I didn’t know anything.”
Taeyeon’s head buzzed with a dull ache. The lack of sleep from last night was getting to her.
Tiffany went on talking. “I saw you and Jiyong. You looked happy and I thought you must have moved on. When I saw the two of you kissing, I got upset. Juhyun had been flirting with me for weeks and I just gave in. When I found your folder in the music room, I knew you must have seen us because you’d definitely have come back for it. Then you started avoiding me.”
“Juhyun’s nobody to me. You’re the one I love right now, Taeyeon,” Tiffany’s voice trembled as she confessed. “I don’t deserve your love for all the pain I put you through and I’m so sorry for hurting you. I’ll move out of the room as soon as I can. I hope you’ll always be happy with Jiyong.”
Tiffany got up to leave. Taeyeon just barely managed to stop her from going by pulling her back down onto the grass. The excessive bracelets she always wore on her wrists were missing.
“Jiyong’s gay. We used each other to numb ourselves of our real feelings.” Taeyeon looked at Tiffany. She had tears streaming down her face.
Taeyeon used her thumb to clean them away but they just kept falling out of her eyes.
“Please don’t cry. I don’t care about the things you have done or the guys you used to bury your pain. I don’t care about Juhyun. I don’t even care that you whispered Jessica’s name when I touched you last night.”
“I missed you,” Taeyeon took the Post-It out of her jacket pocket and pressed it into Tiffany’s palm. Her teardrops stained the crumpled paper and smudged the ink of the words. “I missed you all the time.”
“I loved you from the day I first met you. I loved you when you were drunk senseless. I loved you whenever and wherever I was. I love you even now, so please, don’t cry.”
Taeyeon cupped Tiffany’s face in her hands. She gently pecked Tiffany’s forehead.
The sun didn’t hide behind those crescent eyes anymore. “There, all better now,” Taeyeon said and patted Tiffany’s head.
“I love you too.”
Pairing: Taeyeon/Tiffany
Rating: PG
Word Count: ~4600
A/N: Not real. AU. First fic, be gentle (>u < ") Supposed to be a Valentine's Day present but it's late.
It was by some cruel twist of fate that made Taeyeon and Tiffany roommates. Music majors and Arts majors would never share the same rooms as the school had some weird policy of assigning students doing the same major into the same rooms.
The policy apparently minimized fights because if you put the apples with apples and the oranges with oranges, there would be world peace.
But Tiffany had checked into the hostel late, so had Taeyeon. And the rest of the school had checked in early. So they were the odd ones left and when dormitory administration asked if it was okay they were assigned to the same room, they couldn’t find a reason to disagree.
At least Taeyeon didn’t, even though the girl standing in front of her had a weird bandana tied around her head and wore a dress that looked like it had several cans of paint of different colors thrown on it.
And when she wrote down her particulars in the forms the administrator gave them, the array of bracelets and charms she wore on her wrists jangled loudly.
Sharing a room with an eccentric Arts student was fine.
The cruel part happened when Tiffany had turned towards Taeyeon in the administration office after they had finished filling up all the paperwork.
“Hey, I guess we’re roommates now. My name is Tiffany, what’s yours?”
Tiffany smiled and held out her hand. It was blinding, like the sun was hiding behind those crescent eyes.
Taeyeon took Tiffany’s hand awkwardly and responded with a lopsided smile.
Sharing a room with an eccentric Arts student who lights up your world with just a smile and takes your heart away with just a simple handshake? Not fine.
*
Their room was bigger than Taeyeon had expected a dorm room to be. It had its own toilet and a bed, closet and desk for each of them.
Taeyeon walked to the window and looked out. She could see the other dorm buildings outside but it had a great view of the sky. She turned around and looked at Tiffany, who was already unpacking her stuff on the bed nearer to the door.
Tiffany caught her stare and said, “Oh, it’s fine. You can take the bed at the window. I don’t really like waking up with the sun in my eyes.”
Taeyeon mumbled a word of thanks.
When she finished unpacking the small bag of belongings that she had gathered together in a rush to get to the campus, she sat on the edge of her bed and watched Tiffany.
She had filled her closet with various articles of clothing from flowery dresses to leopard print stockings. Some of those clothes, Taeyeon wouldn’t even be caught looking at them when shopping. There were also a lot of pink shirts. Pink in more shades than Taeyeon had ever seen.
Tiffany was now tacking up all sorts of posters on the wall at her side of the room. They were mostly of boy bands or random abstract illustrations. There was only one picture showing a blond girl lying on her chest in a bed. Her hair hid most of the side of her face.
“Who’s that?” Taeyeon asked.
“Her? Just a friend,” Tiffany sounded hesitant to say anymore but added, “it’s a photograph that I took myself and I won a little prize with it in a competition. I’m very proud of it.”
“I think it’s great picture.” Taeyeon offered, unsure of what to say.
“Thank you.” And the room was silent again.
But the silence was soon broken by the appearance of a girl at their open doorway. She and Tiffany became fast friends and rambled on for what seemed like 15 minutes.
They finally stopped talking and the girl left. Tiffany told Taeyeon there was going to be a party tonight at the huge park they had within campus grounds.
Tiffany was invited, and so was Taeyeon.
*
Taeyeon spent the entire night watching Tiffany.
She got so wasted and hooked up with every guy that presented himself to her. Then one of them tried to take off with Tiffany into the bushes. Taeyeon couldn’t stand by just watching anymore. She punched the guy in the gut and ran all the way back to the dorm, dragging Tiffany along with her.
Back in their room, Tiffany kicked up a huge fuss.
“What did you drag me back for? I wouldn’t have let him do anything to me.”
The guy practically had his hand down your pants, Taeyeon wanted to argue. Instead, she attempted to put Tiffany into bed.
Tiffany resisted her maneuvers and sat at the edge of her bed, shouting for more alcohol.
She fell silent abruptly. Then there was vomit all over the floor.
It’s gonna be a long night, Taeyeon thought.
*
There was a gentle voice calling her name.
She opened her eyes reluctantly. The sunlight burned her eyes and she squeezed them shut again.
“Taetae, wake up or you’re gonna be late for class!” The voice insisted.
Taetae?
Taeyeon shot upright on her bed. She studied the girl staring at her. Her hair was wet, probably from the bath she just took. She wore a baby pink shirt which said “I love pink!” in white letters and a long white skirt. Her wrists displayed her usual armor of bracelets.
“Tiffany?” Taeyeon asked incredulously. It’s surprising how a girl who was so drunk last night could put herself together so well the next morning. “Are you okay?”
“Who else?” Tiffany laughed. “And I’m fine! Why wouldn’t I be?”
“You were-”
“No time Taetae! You have ten minutes!” Tiffany interrupted and ushered Taeyeon into the bathroom.
Taeyeon looked into the bathroom mirror. Oh my god, she has no idea.
*
“Taeyeon, this is Jessica,” Yuri said, motioning at the girl with shoulder-length brown hair who just walked into the cafe. “She’s my roommate and…”
Yuri looked at the Jessica who looked right back at her. They blushed and giggled.
“Girlfriend?” Taeyeon offered. “Nice to meet you, Jessica. But tell me, how much did Yuri pay you to pretend to be her girlfriend? You’re too pretty for her.”
“Yah Taeyeon!” Yuri exclaimed. Jessica laughed loudly.
“I’m really happy for the both of you,” Taeyeon said and gulped her black coffee greedily. Tiffany hadn’t puked all over the place last night but she was still quite a handful to put into bed.
“What about you Taeyeon? Did you meet anyone?” Yuri asked.
Yeah, I did. There’s this girl with a beautiful smile. But she has a penchant for getting drunk, making out with random guys and vomiting all over the place, and not necessarily in that order. Oh and did I mention she remembers nothing of what she does? Yeah she’s perfect.
Even in Taeyeon’s head, it sounded like a scene straight out of an angsty drama for teens.
“No, not really.”
*
One week into school, Taeyeon noticed something different about the wall on Tiffany’s side of the room.
There was a glaring empty space, right above Tiffany’s pillow. The space where the photograph she took used to be.
It had obviously been ripped out; there were still shreds of paper on the four corners where Tiffany had used tape to hold the picture in place.
Taeyeon asked Tiffany what happened to the picture.
“Oh, I got sick of looking at it all the time. It kinda suppressed my creative instincts, y’know.”
There was a trace of bitterness in her voice. But Taeyeon didn’t probe any further.
That night, Tiffany tried to bring a guy into their room. She was drunk as usual, or maybe even more than usual. Taeyeon could smell the alcohol even when she was in bed and Tiffany was in the doorway.
Fortunately, the jerk that was with her was also drunk out of the world. Taeyeon shoved him outside with a kick and slammed the door shut.
Taeyeon understood then, the real reason why Tiffany chose the bed near the door. It made it easier for her to run away.
*
It took Taeyeon five classes into her Music Composition module before she realized she had been spacing out at this boy who had a shock of platinum blond hair.
It was not just his hair color that made him stand out. It was also his flamboyant tastes in fashion. From scarves with zebra stripes to studded leather shoes, he could look like a preppy rich brat in one class and an eye-liner wearing punk in the next. He reminded her of a certain someone who made equally questionable fashion choices.
But the funny thing was that he was also staring back at her. Or at least, he had been spacing out in her direction.
Once she caught him smiling at one of the lecturer’s bad jokes. His eyes curved into crescents just like Tiffany’s and the room seemed to become a little brighter. He caught her staring and his smile shrunk into a small smirk. Taeyeon just looked away, blushing.
Then, the week before term-break, he was dressed in an all-black ensemble - a baggy sweater, jeans and a long raggedy scarf - which made his newly dyed pink hair seem like it was giving out its own light.
He walked up to her and slid a tiny piece of paper on her desk. He tucked one side of her hair behind her ear and walked away.
Taeyeon opened the note. It could be a warning from him to stop all her creepy staring.
Scrawled in a big loopy script that filled the entire area of the paper were his name and a string of numbers.
Jiyong.
*
Taeyeon lied on her side in her bed, and was looking out of the window. The sky was splotched with orange and red. In her hand was a crumpled ball of paper.
Saturday evening. She didn’t feel like doing anything but mope about her loneliness.
There was a noisy vibration from her bedside table. It was a text message from Tiffany.
Party. Cute guys. Fun. Those were the only words in the message that Taeyeon registered. She let her phone fall beside her pillow. She smoothed out the crumpled paper that she was holding.
Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany. She had become a constant buzz in Taeyeon’s head.
“Jiyong,” Taeyeon whispered to herself. Maybe it helped to drown out all the Tiffanys in her head.
Maybe he’ll get your mind off Tiffany.
She sat up and hastily punched a message to the number he had given.
*
They had their first date under a tree. It was at the park where the students always had parties. Jiyong led her to a secluded spot. It was quiet and there was a great view of the sky.
He wore a purple windbreaker. Her favorite color because it matched pink.
Tiffany, Tiffany, Tiffany. I hope she isn’t drinking too much.
He had lit some candles on one side of the tree. They ate turkey sandwiches which he brought in a Tupperware container. Taeyeon wonders if he made them himself. They tasted like something you could order in a restaurant. They talked about music while gazing at the night sky and drank straight from the bottle of fruit wine he had also brought along. When he saw her rubbing the sides of her arms, he took off his windbreaker and draped it around her. It smelled nice.
She blushed and muttered, “Thank you.” He ruffled her hair and gave her a crescent-eyed smile.
Tiffany, Tiffany, Tiffany. I hope she isn’t letting those douchebags touch her all over.
There isn’t a single thing not to like about this guy. He was perfect.
Tiffany, Tiffany, Tiffany. I hope she isn’t screwing one of them right now.
It didn’t help much after all.
*
A tree became their tree.
Taeyeon started hanging out more with Jiyong than going to those parties Tiffany was always invited to, even if she still thought about what Tiffany was doing at those parties when she was with Jiyong.
She would still go back to her room to a pissed drunk Tiffany and she would still take care of the girl like she had always done since the very first day.
But at least now she didn’t have to see her get wasted. Or see her make out with all those guys.
Jiyong did most of the talking and he told most of the jokes while she just played along. It was easy being with Jiyong. She didn’t have to try to impress him or think of something witty to say to break the silence.
Tonight, they had already finished their bottle of wine and run out of conversational topics.
Her stomach was comfortably hot and she was staring at the night sky, relishing the cool breeze on her warm cheeks.
He asked her suddenly, “Tae, have you ever loved someone whom you’re not supposed to love?” The usual hint of playfulness was missing from the tone of his question.
Taeyeon understood exactly what he was trying to ask. But she pretended to be naive. “Like someone whom your parents would disapprove because they were a bad influence on you?”
“Yeah like that, but more. More than just your parents, the society would look down on your love.”
Taeyeon shrugged. “I don’t know.”
*
Back at the dorm, Taeyeon found the door to her room open. She found Tiffany lying on the floor, just barely inside the room.
She pulled the intoxicated girl up and dragged her to the bed. The usual routine.
When Taeyeon put a hot towel over Tiffany’s forehead, she seemed to regain some consciousness.
“Taetae… Have you ever loved someone you’re not supposed to love?” Tiffany blubbered.
Taeyeon was stunned. She made no reply and only flipped the hot towel over to the other side.
Tiffany didn’t speak anymore. But she pulled Taeyeon’s arm, which was adjusting the towel, into a tight embrace. Taeyeon tried to move her arm away but she didn’t want to stir the sleeping girl.
Resigned to her fate, she sank onto the floor. She rested her head on her free arm and watched Tiffany. Tiffany had really long eyelashes, Taeyeon made a mental note.
“I love you.”
*
There isn’t anyone else better than him, was all Taeyeon thought when Jiyong kissed her. She knew it was going to happen sooner or later. It happened there, under their tree.
There was obviously someone who was better: Tiffany. But if Tiffany wasn’t the one to take her first kiss, then the one must be Jiyong.
She closed her eyes, trying to let herself go into the flow. But underneath her eyelids, she was blinded by Tiffany and her mega-watt smile. Tiffany smiling her stupid mega-watt smile like she had sunshine bursting out from her.
She opened her eyes, hoping the imaginary Tiffany she was kissing would go away. She didn’t. Tiffany had morphed herself onto Jiyong’s face and Tiffany was kissing her. All Taeyeon could see was the long fluttering eyelashes.
Jiyong pulled away abruptly. He mumbled something.
Taeyeon only looked at him in silence. “Sorry, sorry, sorry. I’m so sorry, Tae,” he kept apologizing profusely.
It sounded to Taeyeon as if he was really apologizing to himself.
“Do you remember, Tae? The question I asked you that night?”
Taeyeon remembered. She remained quiet and ran her hand through his silvery mohawk that she had helped him bleach a few days before. He looked up at her and she could see her pain mirrored in his eyes.
“I’m so sorry, Tae. I’m-, I think I’m gay,” he muttered. Taeyeon moved her hand and held his hands gently.
“You don’t have to be ashamed of who you are.”
“Tae, you don’t understand. I used you.”
“I do understand, G. I understand because I used you too.”
Taeyeon smiled. Jiyong thought it looked way more melancholic than the tears he had choked up in his throat.
*
When Taeyeon witnessed the scene in the music room that fateful afternoon, she had to rub her eyes, blink several times and pinch herself before she would believe she was not hallucinating or having strangely realistic fantasies about Tiffany.
She had used the room in between classes to practice the piano and lost track of time. She must have left her folder behind in a rush to get to her next class.
A tinkle of piano keys led her to the door of the music room. She saw Tiffany seated behind the grand piano with a girl beside her.
Taeyeon saw the girl’s slender fingers creeping across black and white to touch Tiffany’s hand. Taeyeon saw her leaning in closer while enchanting Tiffany with her eyes. Taeyeon saw her planting a peck innocently on Tiffany’s lips.
Taeyeon expected to hear a shriek, in which case she was prepared to dash into music room and remove Tiffany from the scene before she caused a big fuss.
Tiffany only smiled and kissed her back.
Taeyeon left her folder of sheet music behind again.
*
Taeyeon spends the next few nights in Jiyong’s room or the room Yuri and Jessica shared. Mostly Jiyong’s since his roommate was almost never in the room at all and also because Yuri and Jessica went at it almost every night.
She only returned to her room - for a change of clothes or for the textbook needed in the next class - when she was sure Tiffany wouldn’t be around. She had Tiffany’s schedule of course, so avoiding her was easy. Easy if not for the pink Post-It notes Tiffany had started to leave on her desk.
Hey, where were you last night?
Been busy? Missed you in the morning.
Is something wrong? Tell me.
I miss you.
Taeyeon would have left all of them untouched but for one which she just couldn’t resist taking. She lifted it up from the surface of the table gingerly and folded it into half before putting it in the breast pocket on the inside of her jacket.
Close, but not close enough.
*
“Taeyeon-ah, it’s been two weeks.”
“Two weeks of what?” Taeyeon asked, feigning ignorance.
“Two weeks of being in my room or Yuri’s room. Two weeks of avoiding her. Two weeks of running away.”
“I’m not running away.”
“Explain then, what you’re doing here, hogging my bed when you have your own. All these nights of sleeping on the floor is giving me backaches!”
“I was more than willing to share your bed with you but you insisted on sleeping on the floor yourself. And then there’s also your roommate’s bed but you never use it.”
“I’m sorry. I’m gay and I wouldn’t like to be accidentally groping your hooters while I’m sleeping. And my roommate’s bed stinks so sleeping in it isn’t an option.” Jiyong took a huge gulp from the can of beer he was holding.
“But that’s not the point here. The point is, stop running away, Taeyeon.”
“Like I said, I’m not running away.”
“Yes you are. And you know what?”
“What?” And before Jiyong could respond, there was a knock on his door. Jiyong smiled and went to the door. When he opened it, Seunghyun, a guy Jiyong met soon after he came out to Taeyeon, bounced in excitedly, a huge grin plastered on his face.
“Hi Taeyeon.”
“So here’s what. Seunghyun’s gonna stay here tonight. Which means that you,” Jiyong nodded in Taeyeon’s direction, “will have to go.”
Taeyeon groaned.
“I’m sorry I have to do this Tae, but it’s time you stopped running away.” Jiyong said sympathetically as he escorted her to his doorway.
“You’re a great friend really, G.”
“And you too. Did I mention that Jessica and Yuri are probably going at it like rabbits right now, so it isn’t a good idea to intrude on them, yeah?” Jiyong added and gave Taeyeon a wide smile.
Before Taeyeon could retort, Jiyong closed the door. Behind it came the muffled voice of Seunghyun, saying, “good luck, Taeyeon!”
*
Taeyeon took her time to walk from the boys’ dorm to the girls’ dorm. She slunk onto the floor when she got to the door of her room.
The hallway was dead quiet. No wild parties on a Sunday night.
She took the Post-It note out of her pocket. Weeks of fiddling had reduced it to a creased mess that wouldn’t stick onto to anything. She stared at the words on it, which had remained crisp and unsmudged.
I miss you.
Taeyeon wondered if it still held true for Tiffany.
The silence and darkness in the hallway was getting to her. She tried the door with her key but found it unlocked.
“Seriously, this girl.”
She walked to her bed, making sure she took each step as quietly as possible, without a single glance to Tiffany’s bed.
The moonlight from the window illuminated her bed. Tiffany was sleeping in it.
Taeyeon let out a loud laugh. The girl in her bed stirred.
Taeyeon knelt down at the bedside. She lifted her hand and swept Tiffany’s bangs behind her ear but Tiffany didn’t move this time. The moonlight that shone down on her made her skin pale. The jewelry of the piercings on her ear glittered. Tiffany looked like an ethereal being.
There’s an angel sleeping in my bed.
Taeyeon spent the next few minutes watching Tiffany sleep. She was falling asleep when she suddenly heard an incoherent mumbling coming from Tiffany.
Taeyeon caressed Tiffany’s head in an attempt to soothe the sleeping girl. Tiffany snuggled closer to her hand.
“Jessie…” Taeyeon heard her say.
Jessie?
*
It was 6 A.M. in the morning. Yuri, dressed up in a tracksuit for her morning jog, opened her door to find Taeyeon sitting outside her door.
Taeyeon stood up and looked at Yuri directly in her eyes, “Where’s Jessica?”
“Inside, but what are you-”
Taeyeon stormed past Yuri into the room. Jessica stepped out of the bathroom, and noticing Taeyeon, said, “Whoa Taeyeon, early morning huh?”
Taeyeon ignored her comment. “Jessica, you used to dye your hair blonde, didn’t you?”
“Yeah, but how did you know that? And does that have anything to do with you being here so early in the morning?”
“Tiffany.” Taeyeon said simply.
“Tiffany?” Jessica and Yuri echoed in unison. Jessica looked surprised and bewildered while Yuri simply looked confused.
“Stephanie Hwang Mi Young. That school she went to, you went there too, didn’t you? You knew each other.”
“Oh my god,” and Jessica’s eyes widened in sudden realization. “Steph… I’m so sorry Taeyeon, I had no idea.”
“What’s going on here?” Yuri asked, with frustration evident in her voice. Taeyeon gave no reply and ran out of the room.
*
If she could take another look at the photograph now, Taeyeon was sure she would be able to recognize that it was Jessica lying on the bed, with her hair covering up her face.
She understood now why Tiffany had been so destructive. Messing around with all those guys and getting wasted.
She understood now why Tiffany had torn off the picture that she had so carefully taped onto the wall barely one week into school. She had seen Yuri and Jessica together.
She understood now why it was impossible for them to be together. Tiffany had loved Jessica all along and maybe she had found a replacement for Jessica; the other girl in the music room.
Why couldn’t it have been me?
She sat below the tree she always came with Jiyong. The sun was shining brightly now but the tree provided a cool shade. She closed her eyes. She could feel wetness staining her cheeks.
And then she could feel a hand wiping away the moisture. She kept her eyes closed. “Jiyong? Go away.” Taeyeon said but received no reply.
An angel?
Taeyeon opened her eyes but her vision was blurry from her tears. She rubbed them and saw Tiffany sitting beside her.
Taeyeon stared at Tiffany in silence, stunned. She let Tiffany wipe away the remaining tears on her face.
“How did you know I was here?”
“Jiyong told me.”
“Jiyong?”
“Yeah, you left your phone on the floor and I nearly stepped on it this morning. When I picked it up, Jiyong called and I answered.”
Taeyeon wondered if Jiyong told Tiffany something.
“I’m sorry.” Tiffany continued.
“No, it’s okay. I left my phone on the floor.”
“No, it’s not about picking up your call. I’m sorry, for what I’ve done.”
“You didn’t do anything. You were just heartbroken. Jessica broke your heart.”
“You know about Jessica?” Tiffany asked, genuinely shocked.
Taeyeon looked away from Tiffany and said, “She’s dating my friend, Yuri,”
“I’ll admit I hooked up with all those guys because I knew it would make Jessica mad. She did get angry but not for the reasons I hoped she would get mad about. She confronted me, saying she wasn’t jealous and she just couldn’t stand the way I was throwing myself around. I realized how stupid I was being. I don’t love her anymore, Taeyeon.”
“Of course, you have that girl now, haven’t you?” The sourness in her own words stung Taeyeon.
“This isn’t about Juhyun. I know you loved me, Taeyeon.”
Taeyeon felt defensive. Impulsively, she blurted, “Did Jiyong tell you that? He’s lying.”
“Jiyong didn’t tell me anything other than the fact that I’d find you here. I knew you loved me. I knew it from the way you’d always be cleaning up after my drunken mess
“You’re my roommate. I wasn’t supposed to leave you in the lurch.”
“I thought it was like that too at first. But that morning when I woke up, I was holding your arm and you were sitting at the bedside sleeping. When you woke up, I pretended I was still asleep. I pretended I didn’t know anything.”
Taeyeon’s head buzzed with a dull ache. The lack of sleep from last night was getting to her.
Tiffany went on talking. “I saw you and Jiyong. You looked happy and I thought you must have moved on. When I saw the two of you kissing, I got upset. Juhyun had been flirting with me for weeks and I just gave in. When I found your folder in the music room, I knew you must have seen us because you’d definitely have come back for it. Then you started avoiding me.”
“Juhyun’s nobody to me. You’re the one I love right now, Taeyeon,” Tiffany’s voice trembled as she confessed. “I don’t deserve your love for all the pain I put you through and I’m so sorry for hurting you. I’ll move out of the room as soon as I can. I hope you’ll always be happy with Jiyong.”
Tiffany got up to leave. Taeyeon just barely managed to stop her from going by pulling her back down onto the grass. The excessive bracelets she always wore on her wrists were missing.
“Jiyong’s gay. We used each other to numb ourselves of our real feelings.” Taeyeon looked at Tiffany. She had tears streaming down her face.
Taeyeon used her thumb to clean them away but they just kept falling out of her eyes.
“Please don’t cry. I don’t care about the things you have done or the guys you used to bury your pain. I don’t care about Juhyun. I don’t even care that you whispered Jessica’s name when I touched you last night.”
“I missed you,” Taeyeon took the Post-It out of her jacket pocket and pressed it into Tiffany’s palm. Her teardrops stained the crumpled paper and smudged the ink of the words. “I missed you all the time.”
“I loved you from the day I first met you. I loved you when you were drunk senseless. I loved you whenever and wherever I was. I love you even now, so please, don’t cry.”
Taeyeon cupped Tiffany’s face in her hands. She gently pecked Tiffany’s forehead.
The sun didn’t hide behind those crescent eyes anymore. “There, all better now,” Taeyeon said and patted Tiffany’s head.
“I love you too.”