(no subject)
This is the point at which I feel like I'm whining (aka. I'm sick of having to think about it therefore everyone else must by tired of hearing me talk about it).
However, I've got to go through the same obsessively ordered internal vetting process that I went through when I originally processed my mental illness to ferret out all the minute details of this illness and how it has impacted my life, and how I have misinterpreted it so that I know how to remap my thinking and reorder my life so that it becomes something so normal for me that I don't have to worry about anything getting to such a point that it becomes an emergency without me being aware of it. I need to learn how to incorporate the little things that my body needs every day in order to a) keep everything in check, and b) be aware when things improve and when they get worse.
The first part of this endeavor is to separate out what I've been misinterpretting as mental illness related symptoms that are actually IIH symptoms. I've never had a body-wide pain/muscle control issue. So when all the symptoms started appearing about 3 years ago, I immediately figured this was mental illness related and acted accordingly. When the symptoms didn't get any better, it never occured to me that there could have been another explanation. I just figured that my mental illness was getting worse for some reason and still kept looking for the reason.
This ended up making things worse. The right course of action to take if the symptoms were mental illness related is the exact opposite course of action to take when the symptoms are caused by the IIH. Symptom caused by the mental illness? regardless of the symptom part of the solution every single time is to get up and get your body moving whether you feel like it or not. Symptom caused by the IIH? regardless of the symptom part of the solution every single time is to rest and not force your body to do more than what it really can do right now whether i want to do more or not.
I have to learn the delicate balancing act between the two now. This is something that my fellow LJers moominmuppet andmissdiane have had to do for a long time now. I really have always known that it's a really difficult balance to keep. But intellectual understanding is always different from visceral. I really appreciate your support. It means a lot.
The good of all this is that I have a reason now. I'm not really going crazier. I just have another illness that's different to deal with. Knowing this and knowing all the drama related crap that's gone on with regard to me in the last 3 years this is such a relief. My brain not functioning stuff was a result of being so fatigued from the IIH that I literally could not think straight. I kept moving, kept being the Energizer bunny so that my 'mental' illness would get better that I made the fatigue so bad that it was driving me crazy. I think from here on out, my behavior will get a lot better, more stable. I'll be able to go back to expecting to not have a mental episode for years and years. And as a result I'll be able to interact with the general public in a much more normal way and actually increase my friend circle instead of the steady decrease that's happened in the last few years.
That's the ultimate goal. So I'm going to continue to be obsessive about this over the summer so that I can really be on solid footing with everything as quickly as possible. However, I will not move so quickly as to make anything worse.
However, I've got to go through the same obsessively ordered internal vetting process that I went through when I originally processed my mental illness to ferret out all the minute details of this illness and how it has impacted my life, and how I have misinterpreted it so that I know how to remap my thinking and reorder my life so that it becomes something so normal for me that I don't have to worry about anything getting to such a point that it becomes an emergency without me being aware of it. I need to learn how to incorporate the little things that my body needs every day in order to a) keep everything in check, and b) be aware when things improve and when they get worse.
The first part of this endeavor is to separate out what I've been misinterpretting as mental illness related symptoms that are actually IIH symptoms. I've never had a body-wide pain/muscle control issue. So when all the symptoms started appearing about 3 years ago, I immediately figured this was mental illness related and acted accordingly. When the symptoms didn't get any better, it never occured to me that there could have been another explanation. I just figured that my mental illness was getting worse for some reason and still kept looking for the reason.
This ended up making things worse. The right course of action to take if the symptoms were mental illness related is the exact opposite course of action to take when the symptoms are caused by the IIH. Symptom caused by the mental illness? regardless of the symptom part of the solution every single time is to get up and get your body moving whether you feel like it or not. Symptom caused by the IIH? regardless of the symptom part of the solution every single time is to rest and not force your body to do more than what it really can do right now whether i want to do more or not.
I have to learn the delicate balancing act between the two now. This is something that my fellow LJers moominmuppet andmissdiane have had to do for a long time now. I really have always known that it's a really difficult balance to keep. But intellectual understanding is always different from visceral. I really appreciate your support. It means a lot.
The good of all this is that I have a reason now. I'm not really going crazier. I just have another illness that's different to deal with. Knowing this and knowing all the drama related crap that's gone on with regard to me in the last 3 years this is such a relief. My brain not functioning stuff was a result of being so fatigued from the IIH that I literally could not think straight. I kept moving, kept being the Energizer bunny so that my 'mental' illness would get better that I made the fatigue so bad that it was driving me crazy. I think from here on out, my behavior will get a lot better, more stable. I'll be able to go back to expecting to not have a mental episode for years and years. And as a result I'll be able to interact with the general public in a much more normal way and actually increase my friend circle instead of the steady decrease that's happened in the last few years.
That's the ultimate goal. So I'm going to continue to be obsessive about this over the summer so that I can really be on solid footing with everything as quickly as possible. However, I will not move so quickly as to make anything worse.