(no subject)
And just because I've finished one entry doesn't mean I can't write another immediately after:
1. The information point is not where you pay
- Are you looking to pay?
- (Indignantly) Yes.
- (With relish and pointing to the huge sign above my very head) Well this is the information point, the tills are over at the front of the store.
I know we all switch off completely when shopping but this is pointless. There is a sign hanging from the ceiling saying 'INFORMATION', if you cannot hear the sign then read it and learn that no, you cannot pay here.
2. The tills are not where you get information.
Do not queue for the tills and then ask me whether we have a book. As stated, there is a huge sign with 'INFORMATION' written on it. Do not get annoyed when I tell you to go to the information point, this is your mistake.
3. The listing in alphabetical order system is easy to understand.
Do you remember school, my dear customer? Do you? If you do then hopefully you will recall the alphabet, one of the very first things you learnt. If you're feeling intelligent, why not try bringing into mind the order of the alphabet. Got it? Now, that is how we arrange the books. We do not arrange them in WHATEVER ORDER YOU LIKE or by the SHOVE THE BOOK ON TOP OF OTHER BOOKS system. It is alphabetical order. We go to a lot of trouble for that order, please put the books back where you found them. Please.
4. Am I with a customer? If so, it is not your turn.
Wait. Just wait. If I am clearly helping somebody else then wait. I will be all too happy to help you find the Harry Potter books (THE FUCKING CHILDREN'S SECTION) when I am free. But I am not. So just wait.
5. Fiction/crime/romance is in the fiction/crime/romance section.
This is a real clincher isn't it? Say you were looking for Garrison Keillor, oh please be looking for Garrison Keillor, then simply look under 'K' in the fiction section. It's the biggest section in the store, it is not hard to find. A fan of Kathy Reichs, oh god why are you a fan of Kathy Reichs, should look in the 'crime' section under 'R'. It's our good old friend, alphetical order, again. This is not difficult.
6. If a book was published in 1954 to a limited edition run of 12 copies then no, we will not be able to get hold of it.
Just think this one through. We are a major chain bookstore in the Stockport area, we have to get a lot of books that will sell, not rare or specialist ones that won't. I don't blame you for asking, be my guest, I would love it if we actually can get hold of it for you, but when we can't you must try not to be annoyed. It is not our fault. This goes for any book that our wholesalers do not have, it is not our fault. Do not get annoyed that it's your wife's birthday tomorrow and you haven't thought it through.
7. Look around before asking.
The music section is right in front of you, the DVD section is to your right. There are books everywhere else. The sign above me says 'INFORMATION'. You are not an idiot elsewhere, why become one here?
8. Listen to what I am saying to you.
If we cannot get a book then don't just stand there waiting until we can. I will not be able to order it in five minutes time, just accept that you cannot get it and move on with your life. Don't stand there, please, it's embarrassing for both of us.
9. If you are here at a minute past midnight when Harry Potter comes out, you deserve nothing but my scorn.
Self-explanatory that one.
10. For the love of Christ, control your children. Especially in the children's section.
Hey kids, you learnt about the alphabet YESTERDAY. There is no reason why you cannot follow the order we have in place, it's just laziness and you won't amount to anything. Hey parents, if your child is running around the shop I cannot be blamed if I trip them up, banging their head with a book as they fall. Parents again, do not leave your children in the children's section while you look for erotica, they will wander off and you will become worried and yes, we do seriously question your ability as a parent after your child turns up after one of us actually looks rather than going 'OH GOD MY CHILD IS LONG GONE, AUBURN HAIR, GAP CLOTHES AND A NAME SO FUCKING STUPID LIKE CONNOR OR MILES'.
11. We close at 10pm on weekdays, 5pm on Sundays.
Do you hear the voice over the paging system saying we close in five minutes? You should, it's loud. Bring any purchases to the till now before we close. Not at ten, not at six. Now. If you aren't buying anything then do not hang around, we are closing, we will close. When the voice tells you the store has closed then you should leave, there is no longer anything here for you but resentment from the very people who were happily helping you half an hour ago. Do not hang around in the music section browsing, do not hang around. Leave, we have closed.
1. The information point is not where you pay
- Are you looking to pay?
- (Indignantly) Yes.
- (With relish and pointing to the huge sign above my very head) Well this is the information point, the tills are over at the front of the store.
I know we all switch off completely when shopping but this is pointless. There is a sign hanging from the ceiling saying 'INFORMATION', if you cannot hear the sign then read it and learn that no, you cannot pay here.
2. The tills are not where you get information.
Do not queue for the tills and then ask me whether we have a book. As stated, there is a huge sign with 'INFORMATION' written on it. Do not get annoyed when I tell you to go to the information point, this is your mistake.
3. The listing in alphabetical order system is easy to understand.
Do you remember school, my dear customer? Do you? If you do then hopefully you will recall the alphabet, one of the very first things you learnt. If you're feeling intelligent, why not try bringing into mind the order of the alphabet. Got it? Now, that is how we arrange the books. We do not arrange them in WHATEVER ORDER YOU LIKE or by the SHOVE THE BOOK ON TOP OF OTHER BOOKS system. It is alphabetical order. We go to a lot of trouble for that order, please put the books back where you found them. Please.
4. Am I with a customer? If so, it is not your turn.
Wait. Just wait. If I am clearly helping somebody else then wait. I will be all too happy to help you find the Harry Potter books (THE FUCKING CHILDREN'S SECTION) when I am free. But I am not. So just wait.
5. Fiction/crime/romance is in the fiction/crime/romance section.
This is a real clincher isn't it? Say you were looking for Garrison Keillor, oh please be looking for Garrison Keillor, then simply look under 'K' in the fiction section. It's the biggest section in the store, it is not hard to find. A fan of Kathy Reichs, oh god why are you a fan of Kathy Reichs, should look in the 'crime' section under 'R'. It's our good old friend, alphetical order, again. This is not difficult.
6. If a book was published in 1954 to a limited edition run of 12 copies then no, we will not be able to get hold of it.
Just think this one through. We are a major chain bookstore in the Stockport area, we have to get a lot of books that will sell, not rare or specialist ones that won't. I don't blame you for asking, be my guest, I would love it if we actually can get hold of it for you, but when we can't you must try not to be annoyed. It is not our fault. This goes for any book that our wholesalers do not have, it is not our fault. Do not get annoyed that it's your wife's birthday tomorrow and you haven't thought it through.
7. Look around before asking.
The music section is right in front of you, the DVD section is to your right. There are books everywhere else. The sign above me says 'INFORMATION'. You are not an idiot elsewhere, why become one here?
8. Listen to what I am saying to you.
If we cannot get a book then don't just stand there waiting until we can. I will not be able to order it in five minutes time, just accept that you cannot get it and move on with your life. Don't stand there, please, it's embarrassing for both of us.
9. If you are here at a minute past midnight when Harry Potter comes out, you deserve nothing but my scorn.
Self-explanatory that one.
10. For the love of Christ, control your children. Especially in the children's section.
Hey kids, you learnt about the alphabet YESTERDAY. There is no reason why you cannot follow the order we have in place, it's just laziness and you won't amount to anything. Hey parents, if your child is running around the shop I cannot be blamed if I trip them up, banging their head with a book as they fall. Parents again, do not leave your children in the children's section while you look for erotica, they will wander off and you will become worried and yes, we do seriously question your ability as a parent after your child turns up after one of us actually looks rather than going 'OH GOD MY CHILD IS LONG GONE, AUBURN HAIR, GAP CLOTHES AND A NAME SO FUCKING STUPID LIKE CONNOR OR MILES'.
11. We close at 10pm on weekdays, 5pm on Sundays.
Do you hear the voice over the paging system saying we close in five minutes? You should, it's loud. Bring any purchases to the till now before we close. Not at ten, not at six. Now. If you aren't buying anything then do not hang around, we are closing, we will close. When the voice tells you the store has closed then you should leave, there is no longer anything here for you but resentment from the very people who were happily helping you half an hour ago. Do not hang around in the music section browsing, do not hang around. Leave, we have closed.