learning how to breathe, learning how to fly...
dear diary:
i've finally come to terms with many things in my life. with help from conversations with God, family, friends... things seem to get clearer with every drop of soul revitalizing wash they shed upon me.
the largest realization, and perhaps the hardest, is the fact that i am as alone as i have allowed myself to be. i still am not open to helping myself over difficulties--and much more--having others help me. no matter what gifts god will eternally and has repeatedly granted me, i am still not grateful enough to invoke a spirit of change over my entirety. everyday is a new day, and every situation a new one. yet for me, life has swallowed itself in a never-ending conundrum. one fight is a fight i've heard or seen before. one thought is a thought i have imagined for years in the back of my mind. despite saying over and over and over, et cetera the life lessons i know, i have yet to experience a time in which i have taken my own advice and lived my own beliefs.
where is my god that i so highly regard in faith and hope? where are those friends that in troubled time run to me with open arms and in the most scrupulously serious moment buries my head in their armpit? ...an act in which would instill a most beautiful feeling of comfort and security despite the irony in which it is given. *sighs* and where...yes the parallel sentences do go on for measure... where is that "family" of mine that i say is most important in any person's life? that family whom one turns to in pain, in anger, in sadness; in joy, in inspiration, in love? why can't I start that circle that my parents in haste and fear forgot to draw?
because, i myself am not strong enough. alone, i cannot live to stand at all. and despite being showered with love by almost all whom i trust and care, i still feel alone. alone because no one will really understand my pain. alone because every beat of my heart is one beat too many. too many past the hours that death should have knelled the bells of my departure. i am still envious, still resentful that i am not more than i am.
and it is a note worth making that i have openly admitted to thoughts of suicide. they are those thoughts that swirl above my head like a rollercoaster, making me dizzy with depression, yet never ending and looping like the emotional disaster that i have become. i don't want to continue, but around me people support me and give me strength enough to live another day. my aura is bleak. i remember a time when happiness shone a vivid green. what am i now? a person who knew me years ago would only recognize the shell and the smile, but what of the person who actually was happy and craved more than physicality? i need the hugs, i need the kisses, i need the personal touch. what shallowness surrounds me that someone's words mean nothing, that someone's eyes say nothing, and that someone's deeds go unnoticed?
"love is a many splendid thing..." but hate is the destruction of all things that love works for...even one's character. i am among the happiest people in the world to have found perhaps the person i want to spend the rest of my life with, to find truth in it, to find god in it. but i am also among the world's weakest beings, more fragile than the ant that walks a million miles under the impending doom of humans' reckless feet. and i do not know how to change myself.
sometimes i fear i cannot change myself. and so long as i do not, i will be alone. this night, in pain i turned off my computer before i started my letter to you. four hours later, after a movie, an attempt at a book, a flicker of cartoons, salty tears and a runny nose, i still cannot decide what i want to blame or to say in sincerity. i looked at the stars, i talked to god, but i am still silent.
is it because of you i cannot talk? is it me? why can i not trust anymore? i always have a lot more questions to ask than solutions to problems i have had before. they grow exponentially, yet no matter how many words are thrown out the same situations grant the same attitude and result: nothing. they get us no where and they start from no where. why am i like this? i have no cause against you to be angry or no cause from the world to be sad.
as always the hour grows late, and another day will be peeking out from behind the eastern horizon. i am cold and tired, the product of lack of sleep, going outside, and from crying. i have not cried like this in years... so much that i could not control my nose or my behaviour. this is a pathetic life of a pathetic individual who has lost herself.
no matter how many new and marvelous people i meet, no matter the degree at which i love someone...i'm still an inherently sad individual. i want to see a psychologist again, but how much good will it do when it seems like the last group of sessions have shown me no proof of change? plus i cannot afford to pay for food, rent, car, insurance and books. where in his holy name am i going to find money for a psych? i have no money to throw at my problems.
come back childish innocence. go away hate and fear. someone teach me to breathe again.
~hitomi
i've finally come to terms with many things in my life. with help from conversations with God, family, friends... things seem to get clearer with every drop of soul revitalizing wash they shed upon me.
the largest realization, and perhaps the hardest, is the fact that i am as alone as i have allowed myself to be. i still am not open to helping myself over difficulties--and much more--having others help me. no matter what gifts god will eternally and has repeatedly granted me, i am still not grateful enough to invoke a spirit of change over my entirety. everyday is a new day, and every situation a new one. yet for me, life has swallowed itself in a never-ending conundrum. one fight is a fight i've heard or seen before. one thought is a thought i have imagined for years in the back of my mind. despite saying over and over and over, et cetera the life lessons i know, i have yet to experience a time in which i have taken my own advice and lived my own beliefs.
where is my god that i so highly regard in faith and hope? where are those friends that in troubled time run to me with open arms and in the most scrupulously serious moment buries my head in their armpit? ...an act in which would instill a most beautiful feeling of comfort and security despite the irony in which it is given. *sighs* and where...yes the parallel sentences do go on for measure... where is that "family" of mine that i say is most important in any person's life? that family whom one turns to in pain, in anger, in sadness; in joy, in inspiration, in love? why can't I start that circle that my parents in haste and fear forgot to draw?
because, i myself am not strong enough. alone, i cannot live to stand at all. and despite being showered with love by almost all whom i trust and care, i still feel alone. alone because no one will really understand my pain. alone because every beat of my heart is one beat too many. too many past the hours that death should have knelled the bells of my departure. i am still envious, still resentful that i am not more than i am.
and it is a note worth making that i have openly admitted to thoughts of suicide. they are those thoughts that swirl above my head like a rollercoaster, making me dizzy with depression, yet never ending and looping like the emotional disaster that i have become. i don't want to continue, but around me people support me and give me strength enough to live another day. my aura is bleak. i remember a time when happiness shone a vivid green. what am i now? a person who knew me years ago would only recognize the shell and the smile, but what of the person who actually was happy and craved more than physicality? i need the hugs, i need the kisses, i need the personal touch. what shallowness surrounds me that someone's words mean nothing, that someone's eyes say nothing, and that someone's deeds go unnoticed?
"love is a many splendid thing..." but hate is the destruction of all things that love works for...even one's character. i am among the happiest people in the world to have found perhaps the person i want to spend the rest of my life with, to find truth in it, to find god in it. but i am also among the world's weakest beings, more fragile than the ant that walks a million miles under the impending doom of humans' reckless feet. and i do not know how to change myself.
sometimes i fear i cannot change myself. and so long as i do not, i will be alone. this night, in pain i turned off my computer before i started my letter to you. four hours later, after a movie, an attempt at a book, a flicker of cartoons, salty tears and a runny nose, i still cannot decide what i want to blame or to say in sincerity. i looked at the stars, i talked to god, but i am still silent.
is it because of you i cannot talk? is it me? why can i not trust anymore? i always have a lot more questions to ask than solutions to problems i have had before. they grow exponentially, yet no matter how many words are thrown out the same situations grant the same attitude and result: nothing. they get us no where and they start from no where. why am i like this? i have no cause against you to be angry or no cause from the world to be sad.
as always the hour grows late, and another day will be peeking out from behind the eastern horizon. i am cold and tired, the product of lack of sleep, going outside, and from crying. i have not cried like this in years... so much that i could not control my nose or my behaviour. this is a pathetic life of a pathetic individual who has lost herself.
no matter how many new and marvelous people i meet, no matter the degree at which i love someone...i'm still an inherently sad individual. i want to see a psychologist again, but how much good will it do when it seems like the last group of sessions have shown me no proof of change? plus i cannot afford to pay for food, rent, car, insurance and books. where in his holy name am i going to find money for a psych? i have no money to throw at my problems.
come back childish innocence. go away hate and fear. someone teach me to breathe again.
~hitomi