very tired...like always
dear diary:
i guess this post is clarification for myself and for everyone. my mind is clouded, somtimes it feels like always. unfortunately for everyone, it seems to be that this feeling will not, or more likely will never, leave.
i am christian. i've grown up fully believing in the faith, so much so that while i was a practicing catholic, i wanted to become a nun. but i stopped practicing due to many differences that i have with established religions. politics and religion are not one in the same, and should not be regarded as so.
so yes, accordingly, i am not religious. that does not wreck the fact that i am faithful. i believe in my god, i believe in my jesus, and i believe that as children of love, we should love.
and no, i didn't decide to be gay. nor did i ask for the attention of being different. i wanted to fall in love, to be in love, and to have love. i may have found that now, but i'll never be allowed to be happy with it.
all i ask for is a little understanding. just a tiny bit from everyone of you. that's a big thing, though it feels so small. but it's hard to be understanding. however, many of you have done that, and you have made me happy. you guys are my friends. houseman, chay, kimmy, jen, ming, janette, val, sarah, adam, giselle, antoinette, charlie...and more, that i'm sure i could think of if i were in the right frame of mind.
and yes, most of you are right, i'm too busy. no, it's not my "girlfriend." i'd rather spend quality time with everyone, and have a solid time with my love. but that's not what i have. i have sparse time with my friends and family, and with her i get my sleep time and school time. my life is devoted to work and school, and my only real day off is wednesday. there's only 7 days in a week...4 of those go to work, 2 go to full days at school from 10-9. so that leaves me with wednesday, which my mom has decided is her day.
but there have been some who just couldn't deal. and it's been insult after insult. maybe unknown to you, but fairly apparent to everyone else who has tried to be understanding. why? i'm not sure, maybe because it's immaturity, maybe it's discomfort. and unfortunately for the both of us, we can't be friends.
religious insults, silence, and someone i cannot confide in or believe in anymore. what of a friend is there? exactly, i can't see it either.
~~i'm tired~~
yes, i've said that already. but i don't know if anyone really understands that phrase coming from me. my eyes, for the first time, have dark bags that *i* can see. my body is weak; lately nauseated, severly anxiety attacked (in the last two nights i've had at least 4...and it's only midnight on the 3rd as i finish this), and for some reason i am unable to control my emotions like i used to. these would be the signs of p.m.s. if i happened to be a regular girl.
but i'm not. sometimes i pray that i were.
but that too, is not going to happen. god in his good grace and faith has put me where i am, and i know he has put me where i should be. someday, sometime, i can and will be happy, hopefully in the decisions i make now, because i want the decisions i've made now to be the right ones. i don't want to continue being wrong for the rest of my life. i hate it.
how much can a person take before he or she breaks? how much can i take before all those thoughts i contain should happen to spew forth into reality, bringing to life my most awful situations? i've always doubted myself when i've said "god only gives you as much as you can take." if it were true, nobody would have died by their own hands.
and so now, i reach out to life. i say goodbye to those friends i can no longer depend on, and i hold tight onto those friends i never wish to leave. and to my love, i wish i could never doubt you, but you're right, i always have. i wish i could take back all the mean things i've thought and said, and take back the sad memories that you and i hold onto. why do we do it, when we know it hurts both of us? why does anyone do anything that hurts themselves and others?
my mind, my heart, my soul shakes. my nerves are almost raw, and my body is soon to follow. if i can't find myself soon, if i can't depend on anyone to help me fill the trough that i've dug...then i can't even help myself any longer.
~georlyn
i guess this post is clarification for myself and for everyone. my mind is clouded, somtimes it feels like always. unfortunately for everyone, it seems to be that this feeling will not, or more likely will never, leave.
i am christian. i've grown up fully believing in the faith, so much so that while i was a practicing catholic, i wanted to become a nun. but i stopped practicing due to many differences that i have with established religions. politics and religion are not one in the same, and should not be regarded as so.
so yes, accordingly, i am not religious. that does not wreck the fact that i am faithful. i believe in my god, i believe in my jesus, and i believe that as children of love, we should love.
and no, i didn't decide to be gay. nor did i ask for the attention of being different. i wanted to fall in love, to be in love, and to have love. i may have found that now, but i'll never be allowed to be happy with it.
all i ask for is a little understanding. just a tiny bit from everyone of you. that's a big thing, though it feels so small. but it's hard to be understanding. however, many of you have done that, and you have made me happy. you guys are my friends. houseman, chay, kimmy, jen, ming, janette, val, sarah, adam, giselle, antoinette, charlie...and more, that i'm sure i could think of if i were in the right frame of mind.
and yes, most of you are right, i'm too busy. no, it's not my "girlfriend." i'd rather spend quality time with everyone, and have a solid time with my love. but that's not what i have. i have sparse time with my friends and family, and with her i get my sleep time and school time. my life is devoted to work and school, and my only real day off is wednesday. there's only 7 days in a week...4 of those go to work, 2 go to full days at school from 10-9. so that leaves me with wednesday, which my mom has decided is her day.
but there have been some who just couldn't deal. and it's been insult after insult. maybe unknown to you, but fairly apparent to everyone else who has tried to be understanding. why? i'm not sure, maybe because it's immaturity, maybe it's discomfort. and unfortunately for the both of us, we can't be friends.
religious insults, silence, and someone i cannot confide in or believe in anymore. what of a friend is there? exactly, i can't see it either.
~~i'm tired~~
yes, i've said that already. but i don't know if anyone really understands that phrase coming from me. my eyes, for the first time, have dark bags that *i* can see. my body is weak; lately nauseated, severly anxiety attacked (in the last two nights i've had at least 4...and it's only midnight on the 3rd as i finish this), and for some reason i am unable to control my emotions like i used to. these would be the signs of p.m.s. if i happened to be a regular girl.
but i'm not. sometimes i pray that i were.
but that too, is not going to happen. god in his good grace and faith has put me where i am, and i know he has put me where i should be. someday, sometime, i can and will be happy, hopefully in the decisions i make now, because i want the decisions i've made now to be the right ones. i don't want to continue being wrong for the rest of my life. i hate it.
how much can a person take before he or she breaks? how much can i take before all those thoughts i contain should happen to spew forth into reality, bringing to life my most awful situations? i've always doubted myself when i've said "god only gives you as much as you can take." if it were true, nobody would have died by their own hands.
and so now, i reach out to life. i say goodbye to those friends i can no longer depend on, and i hold tight onto those friends i never wish to leave. and to my love, i wish i could never doubt you, but you're right, i always have. i wish i could take back all the mean things i've thought and said, and take back the sad memories that you and i hold onto. why do we do it, when we know it hurts both of us? why does anyone do anything that hurts themselves and others?
my mind, my heart, my soul shakes. my nerves are almost raw, and my body is soon to follow. if i can't find myself soon, if i can't depend on anyone to help me fill the trough that i've dug...then i can't even help myself any longer.
~georlyn