cloudy but somehow bright... *squints*
nikki e:
today just seems to be one of those hot cocoa, sleep on the window sill, february days. btw, shout out to my neice jennifer, it's her birthday today! happy birthday, little groundhog! (if you don't get that reference, it is also ground hog's day)
i've been extremely worried and edgy as of late, my life seems to go further down the gutter every couple of months, after having a really great time. last night was just another breaking point for me, and as everyone knows, i ended up cleaning my room/doing laundry, as my usual form of vent.
i'm getting to the point of not being able to stand it anymore. i'm sad, i get angry, and i can't keep myself from feeling distraught anymore. where ever the control of my emotions went, it's far from me, and it breaks my heart to know that the one person i trust and love, is the person who can hurt me with every little thing.
and it's not anyone's fault but my own. i feel neglected, isolated, used. my family is hurting, but at the same time, i hurt. my mother is sick, my sister may have cancer, but all i can concern myself over is the fact that i don't have any money. but i do, but as it gets depleted whenever my mom needs it, i feel like somehow its all lies, and that the money for "medicine" really doesn't go to medicine.
and then my sister gives me money, and its this constant guilt trip, knowing she isn't working and that her husband is only working enough to save up so they can move out of the hellhouse that is my brother's 2 bedroom "house". i swear, it's smaller than my parents 3-bdrm apt....except it has a very large front/backyard.
update: <02-12-03>
ok, so this entry will never be finished...but i figured i should open it up for viewing anyways.
~hitomi
today just seems to be one of those hot cocoa, sleep on the window sill, february days. btw, shout out to my neice jennifer, it's her birthday today! happy birthday, little groundhog! (if you don't get that reference, it is also ground hog's day)
i've been extremely worried and edgy as of late, my life seems to go further down the gutter every couple of months, after having a really great time. last night was just another breaking point for me, and as everyone knows, i ended up cleaning my room/doing laundry, as my usual form of vent.
i'm getting to the point of not being able to stand it anymore. i'm sad, i get angry, and i can't keep myself from feeling distraught anymore. where ever the control of my emotions went, it's far from me, and it breaks my heart to know that the one person i trust and love, is the person who can hurt me with every little thing.
and it's not anyone's fault but my own. i feel neglected, isolated, used. my family is hurting, but at the same time, i hurt. my mother is sick, my sister may have cancer, but all i can concern myself over is the fact that i don't have any money. but i do, but as it gets depleted whenever my mom needs it, i feel like somehow its all lies, and that the money for "medicine" really doesn't go to medicine.
and then my sister gives me money, and its this constant guilt trip, knowing she isn't working and that her husband is only working enough to save up so they can move out of the hellhouse that is my brother's 2 bedroom "house". i swear, it's smaller than my parents 3-bdrm apt....except it has a very large front/backyard.
update: <02-12-03>
ok, so this entry will never be finished...but i figured i should open it up for viewing anyways.
~hitomi