One Post Does Not Accurately Reflect My Despair
I'm fed up with life. That's the only way to accurately describe my situation at the moment. I am so utterly sick and tired of everything I do going to shit. EB gives me practically no hours, which I can understand, but not afford. The only hours I do get are situated convieniently in the middle of my day (5:00-10:00) so as to make it an utter waste to try to do anything else.
Heather gave me a few options at Anteon, but I don't think I'm qualified for any of the roles the require. Self-improvement is a farce, and honestly who'd put up with me long enough to train me? I get irritated with myself having to constantly ask "how does this work", or "where does this go", so I know it's got to be infuriating to my superiors.
BB&T closed my checking account again, as it would seem that those incompetint mongoloids continued to try to pull my car loan payment from the account even after I paid the last two in full with my paychecks from Hobbytown.
My frustration with myself and those around me only continues to grow exponientially.
No matter what I try, the world seems to conspire to thwart my efforts. I can't fucking TAKE this any more. I want to go up to my room, curl up in a ball on my bed, and cover my ears with my pillow until it all goes away. I sick of trying. Why do I give up so easily? because I'm used to defeat. The first sign of resistance is, more often than not, the first sign of futility.
Despite my concerted attempts to refrain form a "why me?" attitude, it always seems appropriate. Again, I just want it all to go away.
No more bank.
No more work.
No more bills.
No more people.
No more worries.
No more pain.
No more loneliness.
Everything continues to implode around me. I can't DO anything about it, so why should I try? It's all a gigantic cosmic joke, with me at the center. I have friends, sure, but to what end? I appreciat the pep-talks, the effort, the everything, but please just realize that it's pointless. I'm an unhappy person. I've been so my whole life, and I will remain as such as long as I live.
Everyone has these over-inflated ideas of what I'm capable of, but as they say, the proof is in the pudding, and right now my bowl is at it's usual abysmal empty.
I keep checking the clock at the bottom of the screen to make sure I won't be late for the job I'll probably loose soon. Another waste of my effort.
How does everyone else motivate themselves? It's all so futile. "Let's go to work so we can continue to dwell in the day-to-day mediocrity of our lives." Am I the only one who gets how meaningless it all is? Is the rest of the world just so wrapped up in their current existance that they can't see the big picture? I often find myself wishing I was stupid so that I could just plow blindly ahead ignorant of the ultimate outcome for us all. That I could just not dwell on the fact that whatever I do, whatever I achieve, it won't change a thing.
I'm going to die broke and alone.
Don't bother with a "we all love you" pep talk. It won't do anything. Yesterday I was, well, not happy, but somewhat satisfied with how things were. Today I'm just bitter again. Perhaps I deserve it? I've used and manipulated people my whole life to get my way, and now I can't do it any more. It's not that I'm above it (there's very little I'm not capable of) it's just that I've lost my skills.
What I need is a "why" right now. Some knowledge that I'm not just spinning my wheels. That I can achieve something, anything.
Why can't I just be happy? What will it take? Is it even possible?
Fuck it. I've got to go to the job I hate so I can make some money until I lose it and end up living in my car again. There's no point trying to help, as I don't want it. I just want to fade away.
Sorry, mom. Sorry, dad. I let you down.
But by now you expected that.
Heather gave me a few options at Anteon, but I don't think I'm qualified for any of the roles the require. Self-improvement is a farce, and honestly who'd put up with me long enough to train me? I get irritated with myself having to constantly ask "how does this work", or "where does this go", so I know it's got to be infuriating to my superiors.
BB&T closed my checking account again, as it would seem that those incompetint mongoloids continued to try to pull my car loan payment from the account even after I paid the last two in full with my paychecks from Hobbytown.
My frustration with myself and those around me only continues to grow exponientially.
No matter what I try, the world seems to conspire to thwart my efforts. I can't fucking TAKE this any more. I want to go up to my room, curl up in a ball on my bed, and cover my ears with my pillow until it all goes away. I sick of trying. Why do I give up so easily? because I'm used to defeat. The first sign of resistance is, more often than not, the first sign of futility.
Despite my concerted attempts to refrain form a "why me?" attitude, it always seems appropriate. Again, I just want it all to go away.
No more bank.
No more work.
No more bills.
No more people.
No more worries.
No more pain.
No more loneliness.
Everything continues to implode around me. I can't DO anything about it, so why should I try? It's all a gigantic cosmic joke, with me at the center. I have friends, sure, but to what end? I appreciat the pep-talks, the effort, the everything, but please just realize that it's pointless. I'm an unhappy person. I've been so my whole life, and I will remain as such as long as I live.
Everyone has these over-inflated ideas of what I'm capable of, but as they say, the proof is in the pudding, and right now my bowl is at it's usual abysmal empty.
I keep checking the clock at the bottom of the screen to make sure I won't be late for the job I'll probably loose soon. Another waste of my effort.
How does everyone else motivate themselves? It's all so futile. "Let's go to work so we can continue to dwell in the day-to-day mediocrity of our lives." Am I the only one who gets how meaningless it all is? Is the rest of the world just so wrapped up in their current existance that they can't see the big picture? I often find myself wishing I was stupid so that I could just plow blindly ahead ignorant of the ultimate outcome for us all. That I could just not dwell on the fact that whatever I do, whatever I achieve, it won't change a thing.
I'm going to die broke and alone.
Don't bother with a "we all love you" pep talk. It won't do anything. Yesterday I was, well, not happy, but somewhat satisfied with how things were. Today I'm just bitter again. Perhaps I deserve it? I've used and manipulated people my whole life to get my way, and now I can't do it any more. It's not that I'm above it (there's very little I'm not capable of) it's just that I've lost my skills.
What I need is a "why" right now. Some knowledge that I'm not just spinning my wheels. That I can achieve something, anything.
Why can't I just be happy? What will it take? Is it even possible?
Fuck it. I've got to go to the job I hate so I can make some money until I lose it and end up living in my car again. There's no point trying to help, as I don't want it. I just want to fade away.
Sorry, mom. Sorry, dad. I let you down.
But by now you expected that.