On Whining
I do it a lot, and had you not noticed, I believe you need to get your eyes checked.
Random people who paruse my LJ, mainly those who in passing conversation hear me talking about how it's the only way I really communicate with any one of note (friends list take notice- you are these people) often comment on the overtly depressive nature of my writings. This is because I am Not A Happy Person. I do not know why this is, but suffice it to say, no matter what I have going for me at any given time, I continue to dwell on what I DO NOT have going for me. Perhaps the physicians I so despised back in school were right, and due to a chemical imbalince in my brain I am simply unable to be happy. Perhaps my lack of focus is due to A.D.D., and the Ritalin and Zoloft perscriptions I cringed at receiving were actually warranted. Maybe I'm just a gloomy person? Maybe I'm just lonely?
Lonely? Me? Hmm... Maybe it is possible, however unlikely. I have noticed a trend, however, that when I am with other people I seem to brighten up. This is odd, inasmuch as I only seem to be the bright, cheerful Mike when I'm around people I'm not really comfortable around. When accompanied by those whom I've grown to trust I tend to revert to my usual "the world sucks" attitude. Don't get me worng, the world DOES in fact suck, but I tend to forget about that fact when I'm focusing on impressing others. Perhaps social interaction, which I so despise and cringe at the slightest mention of, is my "Ritalin?" This is also a sticky wicket, as whenever I am confronted with more new people than people I know, I become SO intimidated by the situation that I cower in the darkest corner available to me until the threat has passed. Threat of what, though? Not too many people dislike me, just my prepensity for whining.
Which brings me to the inital reason for this entry. I whine here because I think of it as my little digital therapy session. Here I am anonymous. Even to those people who I know "IRL", I don't have the uncomfortable factor of having to look them in the eye as I pour out what shallow bit of emotion I do feel. Believe me, the cringe factor of pouring out what's wrong with life in general is ten times stronger in person than online. Firstly, here I have the option of carefully choosing my words, weighing and balancing them to project just the right meaning. I can explain what would be a very provocative comment which, through no fault of anyone, would elicit interruption and rebuttal. I feel that though I have a respectable vocabulary, my inability to correctly employ it at all times warrants constant explanation and fine tuning. I can be rather coarse in person, and it has gotten me into trouble on more than one occasion. Thus, often times I feel the need to explain myself in parenthesis or by taking entirely unrelated tangents. I have a very "interesting" view of the world at large to say the least.
Here, as well, I can ramble. People who have no interest in the subject at hand (for a perfect example, see my last post) or who simply cannot relate, can simplt skip ahead to whatever part pertains to them. I don't relate to others well, and often feel the need to explain why I feel the way I do in exhaustive detail.
To sum it all up, I am really sorry if I bore any one, or if my constant griping gets on anybody's nerves, but as time goes by, I have found this to be a much more constructive way to work out my problems than sulking in my room, drinking to excess, or tearing things apart. This is not to say I don't occasionally do these things, but if I am able to re-focus my hostility into the words you all endure from me rather than harming myself, I feel I have done myself a gerat favor.
You guys have done that favor for me, too. Thanks. I mean it.
Random people who paruse my LJ, mainly those who in passing conversation hear me talking about how it's the only way I really communicate with any one of note (friends list take notice- you are these people) often comment on the overtly depressive nature of my writings. This is because I am Not A Happy Person. I do not know why this is, but suffice it to say, no matter what I have going for me at any given time, I continue to dwell on what I DO NOT have going for me. Perhaps the physicians I so despised back in school were right, and due to a chemical imbalince in my brain I am simply unable to be happy. Perhaps my lack of focus is due to A.D.D., and the Ritalin and Zoloft perscriptions I cringed at receiving were actually warranted. Maybe I'm just a gloomy person? Maybe I'm just lonely?
Lonely? Me? Hmm... Maybe it is possible, however unlikely. I have noticed a trend, however, that when I am with other people I seem to brighten up. This is odd, inasmuch as I only seem to be the bright, cheerful Mike when I'm around people I'm not really comfortable around. When accompanied by those whom I've grown to trust I tend to revert to my usual "the world sucks" attitude. Don't get me worng, the world DOES in fact suck, but I tend to forget about that fact when I'm focusing on impressing others. Perhaps social interaction, which I so despise and cringe at the slightest mention of, is my "Ritalin?" This is also a sticky wicket, as whenever I am confronted with more new people than people I know, I become SO intimidated by the situation that I cower in the darkest corner available to me until the threat has passed. Threat of what, though? Not too many people dislike me, just my prepensity for whining.
Which brings me to the inital reason for this entry. I whine here because I think of it as my little digital therapy session. Here I am anonymous. Even to those people who I know "IRL", I don't have the uncomfortable factor of having to look them in the eye as I pour out what shallow bit of emotion I do feel. Believe me, the cringe factor of pouring out what's wrong with life in general is ten times stronger in person than online. Firstly, here I have the option of carefully choosing my words, weighing and balancing them to project just the right meaning. I can explain what would be a very provocative comment which, through no fault of anyone, would elicit interruption and rebuttal. I feel that though I have a respectable vocabulary, my inability to correctly employ it at all times warrants constant explanation and fine tuning. I can be rather coarse in person, and it has gotten me into trouble on more than one occasion. Thus, often times I feel the need to explain myself in parenthesis or by taking entirely unrelated tangents. I have a very "interesting" view of the world at large to say the least.
Here, as well, I can ramble. People who have no interest in the subject at hand (for a perfect example, see my last post) or who simply cannot relate, can simplt skip ahead to whatever part pertains to them. I don't relate to others well, and often feel the need to explain why I feel the way I do in exhaustive detail.
To sum it all up, I am really sorry if I bore any one, or if my constant griping gets on anybody's nerves, but as time goes by, I have found this to be a much more constructive way to work out my problems than sulking in my room, drinking to excess, or tearing things apart. This is not to say I don't occasionally do these things, but if I am able to re-focus my hostility into the words you all endure from me rather than harming myself, I feel I have done myself a gerat favor.
You guys have done that favor for me, too. Thanks. I mean it.