Mar 29, 2005 21:17
Wow. I've never really gotten that sort of response from a post. In the end, it really was just a bunch of psycho-analasys directed at why I don't know what I want to make right now, and how it pertains to my life in general. In the end, it was pretty much a really wordy way of saying I'm really bummed out right now about Mrs. Chang not appreciating the five years I've given to her. Also, that should my life acchieve some sort of focus, this problem would more or less evaporate. What I need is a drive. And yes, mom and dad, this is exactly the boot in the rear I needed.
The big question is what? I'm not gonna turn all dark and gloomy here, so you can rest easy. I just need to find a focus, a destination I can set for myself which I can realistically attain. I wrote that last post in a horrible mood, so thus the really darkly introspective overtones. I'm through drifting through life. That's it. Sure, I basically said I amount to dirt. Right now I really do amount to dirt. That needs to change. What I don't want to do is charge frantically toward an unrealistic goal, only to be let down again uppon realizing the futility of my efforts. A headlong charge into death is stupid in my opinion, not brave.
(I don't really know how to phrase that last metaphor so that it is relevant to the topic at hand, but hopefully you follow me...)
On another note, I now feel really bad about how that last post turned out. I wasn't trying to sound like poor, poor, pitiful me. Upon reviewing it, however, that's how it turned out. I just meant it as "this is how it is." Like it or not however, everyone came screaming to the rescue. I really do appreciate it, though. And by the way, I am a really mean guy under the facade. I just don't like getting beaten, so it all stays inside. (A joke, though a lousy one.)
As to the computer, I earned that one. It's my burdeon to bear until I can save up enough money to buy another one. I acted like an ass, and I'll admit it. Again, it's not that the gesture isn't appreciated, but I have to work this one out on my own.
I don't like being helped out. I'm really prideful, and it damages what little ego I have to be offered charity. I've worked for what I have, and I'll continue to earn my own way even if it kills me. I make a concerted effort to rely only on myself because if I get let down, I have no-one to get angry at but myself. When I get really pissed, I tend to lash out at the offending person / object, as my current lack of computer will attest to, and I don't want that to happen to someone.
Now maybe I can move away from this impromptu pity-party, and get on with living.
Sayonara, suckers. (^_^)
rants