Random Stuffage
So, I found out what #4 has been up to. By the way, ex-girlfriends (except Robin) don't have names to me. They have numbers. I suddenly feel the need for explanation, so here goes nothing.
#1- Can't even remember a name. The first in a line of mistakes. Thought she was a vampire and practiced black magic. Nutty as a fruitcake, and an obvious error.
#2- Robin. Love of my life, and the only normal girl I've ever dated. Real pisser, really.
#3- Beth. The rebound. It lasted about a week.
#4- Liz. Psychotic controlling bitch. I'm sorry, but there's no love lost here.
#5- Adelle. Better known as Ecchi, here. She's the first girl I ever had sex with, and thus the attraction. Cheated on me. Man can I pick 'em.
So, now that we're all up to speed, let's continue. I found out (via Bob) that she's been goins through hell recently. This brought me great joy. I mean I laughed my ass off. Upon reflection, however, I don't feel so good about it. Maybe I'm being hyper-sensitive again, but I just can't maintain that level of creulty. I want to, believe me I do, but damn it if I get to thinking, "that's another human being, asshole- one you almost became!"
I've done some BAD stuff in my day, and while I don't believe in any sort of formal "god", perse, I do believe in a higher order to the universe (albeit through the limitations created by the interactions of inherently chaotic forces, but that's another topic entirely). I get to wondering when all the horrible shit I've done, and said, and thought over the years will come back and bite me in the ass. When will the convienient (sp?) little bubble I've wrapped my life in will all come crashing down? I can think of any number of things that could ruin my fragile life and send me into the same spiral. It's these things that get me thinking that while I don't really have any enemies, who do I have who I can count on to hoist me up by the bootstraps and help me go on?
Important note: This is in no way some "I'm not loved" rant. It is purely stream of conciousness writing, so you'll have to forgive me.
I am a terribly un-motivated person. When I found out that my parents had spent my college education money on a couple of porches, I then and there gave up all of my dreams and aspirations. I have absolutely no plans for my future, and no real marketable skills. I really don't want to be a convience store "manager" for the rest of my life, but what do I have to aim at? My "art"? Ha. That's a joke. It's the only thing I'm remotely good at, and even then I'm pretty terrible at it. Let's be serious for a second. Would YOU buy a book drawn by me? No. Plain and simple. In essence, I'm trapped in my current job, because I'm not able to do anything else.
This brings me to my next point. I did terrible in high-school. Yes, I'm smart, but I didn't put forth the effort. I could write pages and pages as to why, but that's not the point. The point is, I couldn't get a scholarship because of my grades. How many of you out there know I flunked the ninth grade? Straight F's. Even gym. It is because of this mistake WHEN I WAS A KID that my opportunity for higher education= slim to nil. Plus the fact I stopped going to NOVA in mid-semester for that bitch Liz doesn't help either. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, see the amazing Hentai! Just when it looks like he can't fuck himself any worse...
I don't know, it just seems that my life is a house of cards that could topple over at any moment. And when I see someone who it's happened to, it only serves to remind me how close I actually am to being where I was only a couple of years ago. Driving around living in my car, sleeping where ever I didn't think the cops would hassle me... Food for thought. Mine, any way.
#1- Can't even remember a name. The first in a line of mistakes. Thought she was a vampire and practiced black magic. Nutty as a fruitcake, and an obvious error.
#2- Robin. Love of my life, and the only normal girl I've ever dated. Real pisser, really.
#3- Beth. The rebound. It lasted about a week.
#4- Liz. Psychotic controlling bitch. I'm sorry, but there's no love lost here.
#5- Adelle. Better known as Ecchi, here. She's the first girl I ever had sex with, and thus the attraction. Cheated on me. Man can I pick 'em.
So, now that we're all up to speed, let's continue. I found out (via Bob) that she's been goins through hell recently. This brought me great joy. I mean I laughed my ass off. Upon reflection, however, I don't feel so good about it. Maybe I'm being hyper-sensitive again, but I just can't maintain that level of creulty. I want to, believe me I do, but damn it if I get to thinking, "that's another human being, asshole- one you almost became!"
I've done some BAD stuff in my day, and while I don't believe in any sort of formal "god", perse, I do believe in a higher order to the universe (albeit through the limitations created by the interactions of inherently chaotic forces, but that's another topic entirely). I get to wondering when all the horrible shit I've done, and said, and thought over the years will come back and bite me in the ass. When will the convienient (sp?) little bubble I've wrapped my life in will all come crashing down? I can think of any number of things that could ruin my fragile life and send me into the same spiral. It's these things that get me thinking that while I don't really have any enemies, who do I have who I can count on to hoist me up by the bootstraps and help me go on?
Important note: This is in no way some "I'm not loved" rant. It is purely stream of conciousness writing, so you'll have to forgive me.
I am a terribly un-motivated person. When I found out that my parents had spent my college education money on a couple of porches, I then and there gave up all of my dreams and aspirations. I have absolutely no plans for my future, and no real marketable skills. I really don't want to be a convience store "manager" for the rest of my life, but what do I have to aim at? My "art"? Ha. That's a joke. It's the only thing I'm remotely good at, and even then I'm pretty terrible at it. Let's be serious for a second. Would YOU buy a book drawn by me? No. Plain and simple. In essence, I'm trapped in my current job, because I'm not able to do anything else.
This brings me to my next point. I did terrible in high-school. Yes, I'm smart, but I didn't put forth the effort. I could write pages and pages as to why, but that's not the point. The point is, I couldn't get a scholarship because of my grades. How many of you out there know I flunked the ninth grade? Straight F's. Even gym. It is because of this mistake WHEN I WAS A KID that my opportunity for higher education= slim to nil. Plus the fact I stopped going to NOVA in mid-semester for that bitch Liz doesn't help either. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, see the amazing Hentai! Just when it looks like he can't fuck himself any worse...
I don't know, it just seems that my life is a house of cards that could topple over at any moment. And when I see someone who it's happened to, it only serves to remind me how close I actually am to being where I was only a couple of years ago. Driving around living in my car, sleeping where ever I didn't think the cops would hassle me... Food for thought. Mine, any way.