As a Father

Dec 04, 2006 01:57

She's a week old, now. I can count the days she's been alive on both my hands, or both of hers, though with fingers so tiny I might need a magnifying glass.

Sunday Morning )

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marc_blucas December 4 2006, 15:39:59 UTC
I still can't believe that I slept in late and then went out for a little while the whole time that she was starting to have contractions and you were wigging out. I can't believe neither one of you got me! Although, I guess it in the end all the rest I got proved to be helpful so there was some positive to that. I was so amused that we were so diligent about clocking and writing contractions and were so sure we were doing it right to only later find out we were so wrong. Regardless though we knew when a woman in labor says it's time to go to the hospital, you go and that's the end of that.

I was terrified. So much more terrified then I let on. Something about me that I don't know if you've picked up on or not is that the more calm I appear or the more organized I start to get, the more I'm falling apart or feeling disleveled and mixed up on the inside. I wasn't always that way but I adopted that coping mechanism somewhere along the line and it's stuck.

Wow. Just. Wow. That morning and first seeing her and how it felt and this whole past week and I've read this entry five times now and I still can't put it into words even though I tried as much as I could.

We updated almost 10 minutes apart from one another. :[

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h_christensen December 4 2006, 16:39:09 UTC
She forbid me from saying anything! She practically forbid me from going near her, too. And I guess in the end I can see where she was coming from, knowing how scared we both would be. I bet she didn't want that around her right away, especially when she knew that there wouldn't be anything for us to do except hyperventilate for awhile. And we didn't get them completely wrong, at least. We just didn't know when to start and stop timing them. But we sort of came out with the right information. Sort of. And yes, what matters is that in the end we got to the hospital.

I knew that there was probably a torrent going on underneath the cool appearance, but at the time I needed that cool, calm, collected you so much that I was afraid to ask because I didn't want the craziness inside to break out. From now on though I'll watch for that.

And she smiled at me. I wanted to write that so much but I felt like the experience was capped off then. I'm sure that I'll write more soon, though. I feel like now I've got almost all the time in the world to write. Blasted November, hogging it all away.

We are just that in sync! Where were you then? Hiding from me? I was up far later than normal and wound up passing out on Jesse for a bit before Aaralyn called me back to our room. I would have liked to cling. I am too clingy :[

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marc_blucas December 4 2006, 19:07:54 UTC
I could understand why she wanted us far away. She needed to be in her element and we would have fawned all over her and coddled her and she wasn't ready for all of that. In the end, it all came out to happen just as it should and Jessie and Aaralyn were fine and that's the most important thing.

I can't wait to see till she smiles for me. I hope I get to see it soon because I'm impatient and a little jealous that you got to see it and I missed it. :[ You'll have so much to write about with her and me and whatever other lovely things come into your head...as I'm sure there are many.

I never hide from you. I was going to bed after I laid Aaralyn down but I kept tossing and turning so I took the baby monitor and my laptop up into the cubby hole so I could try and write and ended up there longer than I meant to. He told me you two laid out and watched the snow, I'm glad you had a nice time together. That was a really adorable how you said our room even if it was a slip of the tongue. Hopefully you'll feel comfortable enough at some point while we're in LA for my room to become that for us.

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h_christensen December 4 2006, 19:17:35 UTC
Exactly. That's why I didn't hold it against her or anything when she asked me to go and kept trying to preoccupy me. I knew she was just trying to keep herself as relaxed as possible and didn't need our doting.

I wish so much that you'd been there to see it, to make sure that I wasn't just imagining things. But I'm sure you'll see it eventually. I'm already overflowing with things to say and she's only a week old!

hee cubby :[ We did have a nice time, and I was so excited that it snowed. Sort of like seeing us off before we head to LA, yeah? I didn't even realize I'd said that. Which is odd because normally that room is very much my room :[ You'll still be okay if we sleep in my room in LA, though, right? Just for a day or two until I'm comfy?

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marc_blucas December 4 2006, 20:21:19 UTC
Nah I'm sure you weren't imagining anything when you saw it, especially if it'd been awhile since she'd eaten. I'm sure I will see it too and then at some point she'll be smiling all the time.

I told you I really liked it up there. :[ You said that was fine if I wanted to do that, right? I was pretty sure you had said it was okay. Maybe we can watch the snow tonight together since I didn't get to last night. We can hold Aaralyn close to the window and if it's falling at all or stuck to the windows, she can see it. I will miss the snow so much, at least it won't be for too long till we can come back and by then it'll be everywhere. No worries, it can still be your room, I just found it really cute how you said that. And yes, we can sleep in there for as long as you want, I promise.

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h_christensen December 4 2006, 22:27:04 UTC
I can't wait for that!

Yeah, that's totally okay. M'glad that you can relax there just the same as I can. It's a comforting place to go. I really do love it there. All the memories it holds and not one of them bitter. And so much physical comfort, too.

You will be my snowwatching buddy tonight :) And we can show Aaralyn what it's like to see little white flecks washing down. Have I said yet that I really like how we have our own rooms? Which seems so weird but I find the idea very comforting. I can go to your room, you can come to mine, but we've still got that sense of having one place to retreat to if the need be. And I'm sorry for being silly about your room in LA :[

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marc_blucas December 5 2006, 00:37:20 UTC
I love that icon, I hope you never get rid of it. Speaking of which...did you ever get those other icons I commented to you with a few entries back?

There's something about up there that makes me feel really close to you. Maybe it's because of that reason, that it holds good memories for you and you haven't taken many people up there and it's your special place. I feel special for getting to share in that with you and I don't feel any ghosts lurking around me, if that makes any sense at all. I like having my own room that I can do anything I want to even though I haven't done much to it yet. I've never had that before, it's always been more my things mixed with the other person's things so we were both completely inseperatable in a home so while it started as an adjustment, there are a lot of benefits to it that I didn't know before. I guess that's why while I don't mind having that at your house and I don't mind you having your own space at my house, I wouldn't mind sharing mine with you where I live. It's what I've always known and I could have it the way I've always known in one place and a new way in another. You're not being silly at all, it's a strange situation, yeah? Just like it takes me some time to feel comfortable with things with you, it takes you time to be the same with me. In some ways, that's almost comforting. I don't feel so odd.

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h_christensen December 5 2006, 01:51:44 UTC
Ermm.... if I did, I probably left the window open to save them and then my computer died :-[ Because if they're not up that means I've not seen them. :[

It makes a lot of sense. I've made sure to keep that place safe, and I think that shows in the lack of 'ghosts' or ill thoughts or negative memories that are associated with it. Everyone I've gone up there with has been really committed to me and made me feel very safe and it's just sort of exemplifies that idea of security.

I think eventually my room will wind up being our room, too, but in the beginning it's nice knowing that there's a place to run. Or at least it's rather reassuring for me. Hopefully I'll get over my... whatever it is... and we'll be able to make your room in LA ours too.

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marc_blucas December 5 2006, 02:54:59 UTC
These are them. I have way too much fun searching for pictures of you since there are only 903749787 of them up. I don't have nearly that many pictures. :(

Yes, exactly. I think that's probably why it's so comfortable. That and all the softness and pillows and all. Sigh.

Regardless I'm comfortable and I want you to be comfortable and have reassurance wherever you need it so however way that it is, I'm happy. As long as we're sharing a bed together it could be anywhere in the world and it wouldn't matter to me in the slightest.

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h_christensen December 5 2006, 05:37:57 UTC
:[ Yep, those were eaten by Firefox. I will upload them tomorrow :)

softs!!!!!! :[

It would matter to me if it was like, in midair or underwater or frozen inside an iceberg or if it was inside a volcano or trapped in quicksand or perhaps in the center of the earth or outside the atmosphere in orbit or if we were upside down or taped to the side of a building in tokyo or in the middle of russia but other than that I am totally good. :D

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