To Go Back to a Place I Felt Complete - Steve/Danny - NC-17
Author: finduilas_clln
Recipient: simplyn2deep
Title: To Go Back to a Place I Felt Complete
Pairing/Characters: Steve/Danny; Kono, Chin, Malia, Mary Ann, and Doris.
Summary: Steve comes back from Japan and everything has changed, except for one thing.
Rating: NC-17
Content: N/A
Warnings: Spoilers for season 2 finale!
Word Count: 10.008
Disclaimer: All Hawaii Five-0 characters herein are the property of CBS. No copyright infringement is intended. All characters engaging in sexual activity are 16 years or older.
Author’s Notes: Dear simplyn2deep, I really hope you like this fic.I went with a coda for the season 2 finale.
Many many thanks to I for the amazing beta, the hand-holding, the suggestions, etc. You truly make me a better writer.
When Steve leaves the Honolulu airport, it’s 2 a.m. and his truck is exactly where he left it. He throws his duffel bag on the seat next to him and checks his phone one more time. He’s not sure if he’s really expecting a phone call from Mary, but he isn’t overly surprised when there are no missed calls. Steve called her from Japan, and if he thought doing a death notification was hard… well, telling someone their mother is alive under the current circumstances isn’t exactly the easiest thing Steve’s had to do either. Mary reacted pretty much the exact same way Steve did - angry, disappointed, confused. You name it, Steve figures he and Mary are feeling it right now, and none of it is positive. And Steve is sure he felt relief when Mary told him she wanted nothing to do with their mother. Steve could only agree.
How could everyone keep this from them? How could his mother just disappear and let her children think she was dead? How could his father watch them suffer and not ease their pain? How could he send them away, essentially losing another parent? How could Joe not tell him when he came back into Steve’s life? He wasn’t that same 16 year old boy that needed protecting. How could his entire life have been a lie?
Steve sighs as he leans back against the headrest, rubbing sleep out of his eyes. Phone still in hand, he scrolls to Danny’s last text message.
“I am not exactly thrilled about this, but you get brownie points for actually trying to contact me before you left this time. Be careful, you hear me? And come back soon, okay?”
Against his own will, Steve smiles as he reads the message again. He takes another look at the clock before turning out of his parking space; he knows it’s late, but he can’t help himself from driving over to Danny’s place anyway.
…
Steve stands in front of the door for a whole ten minutes before finally working up the courage to knock. He feels like his energy flooded away the second he turned off the engine and walked up to Danny’s apartment. He’s got his duffel bag by his feet, his clothes feel sticky and dirty from the flight, and he knows he’s in dire need of a shower.
The light flicks on inside the apartment and seconds later, Danny is opening the door. He looks equal parts relieved and annoyed, but then he smiles and says, “So you made it back alive, did you?”
“I always do,” Steve smiles weakly, and he has to swallow away the emotion that rises up at seeing Danny again.
“You make sure to keep that up, alright?” Danny says, taking the duffel bag from the porch and dropping it behind the door.
Steve walks in behind Danny. Danny’s hair is tousled, his sweatpants riding low on his hips, and his crisp white t-shirt wrinkled at the edges.
“I woke you,” Steve states.
“Genius.” Danny all but rolls his eyes, motioning for Steve to sit down on the couch, to which he gratefully obliges.
“So tell me about Shelburne…” Danny says as he sits down next to Steve, knees drawn up, bare toes mere inches away from Steve’s leg.
Steve sighs deeply, shakes his head as he says, “It was… Joe took me on another wild goose chase. I can’t… He didn’t come back with me, I’m done with him.”
“What?” Danny frowns.
“He stayed in Japan,” Steve continues, feeling his stomach churn at not telling Danny the entire truth. “I don’t care what he does next. He’s strung me on too long. I’m done.”
“I’m sorry, babe,” Danny says, a hand landing softly on Steve’s forearm. “I know you wanted to trust him…”
Steve snorts. The words feel so bitter. He did trust Joe, but everything was just a lie.
“Yeah, I don’t really wanna…” Steve shakes his head, biting his bottom lip. “How were things here? What did I miss?”
It’s Danny’s turn to snort now, and he half-laughs as he rubs his eyes with the palms of his hands.
“What?” Steve asks, turning towards Danny on the couch.
“Kono and Malia are in the hospital,” Danny finally says, looking at Steve.
“What?” Steve all but jumps off the couch, but Danny places his hands on Steve’s shoulders, pushing him back down.
“It’s okay, they’re okay,” Danny says quickly, “Kono will be released tomorrow. She was in the water for a while, she was hypothermic. But she’s fine and she’s getting out tomorrow. Malia was… she was shot. It was a through-and-through and she’ll recover completely. Chin is with them both.”
“What the hell happened?” Steve asks, ‘cause seriously? He leaves the country for a few days and it all goes to hell?
“It’s a long story, babe,” Danny sighs, “But they’re all fine. Everyone’s fine.”
“And you?” Steve asks, ‘cause he can’t quite shake the feeling that something more is up.
“Why don’t we reserve that fun story for the morning, eh?” Danny smiles weakly, trying to get up, but Steve holds him back by the arm.
“Danno…”
“Look, I’m really tired,” Danny sighs, “And you look like you’re about to keel over, so let’s just stick to the bullet points and I promise I’ll fill you in on everything tomorrow. Kono and Malia. Me. Everything. Okay?”
Steve nods, and Danny settles back and says, “I’m taking Rachel back to court. She’s trying to take Gracie away from me, and… I can’t just let her do that.”
“Oh God, Danny,” Steve says, his fingers tightening on Danny’s arm.
“It’s going to be fine,” Danny nods, but Steve can tell he’s not convinced, “Nobody’s taking my baby girl away from me without a fight, you know that.”
“I’m here for you, Danny,” Steve is saying the words before he even realizes he says them, “Anything I need to do… I’m here for you.”
“Thank you.” Danny smiles, and it’s genuine this time. “Can you do one thing for me now?”
“Anything,” Steve repeats immediately.
“Please go take a shower and then go to sleep,” Danny says, deadpan.
Steve laughs, nods. “Yeah, I think I can do that.”
“You know the way,” Danny says as he gets up, pointing towards the bathroom. “I’ll get you a blanket and a pillow and I’ll leave clean boxers and a shirt out for you on the couch, okay?”
“Thank you, Danny,” Steve says as he heads towards the bathroom.
“Anytime,” he hears Danny say before he closes the bathroom door behind him.
…
Steve wakes up when it’s still half-dark outside. He knows he hasn’t had nearly enough sleep, but he simply cannot stay on that couch for a second longer. It feels like everything has changed since his most recent trip to Japan. So many things that he thought he knew… just weren’t there anymore.
But there’s one thing… this one thing that hasn’t changed a bit, and yet he still hasn’t done a damn thing about it. One person who has never betrayed him, has never lied, and still Steve hasn’t found the courage to just get up and admit how he feels. Well, it has to end. Everything in the world may have turned upside down, but Danny is still a solid rock. And everything he feels about Danny… it hasn’t changed one bit.
He lingers by Danny’s bedroom door for a few seconds, before finally opening it and stepping in.
Danny is laying on his stomach in the middle of the bed, arms curled underneath his pillow. The sheet is down to his waist, and his back rises and falls gently every time he breathes. Steve resists the unbearable urge to reach out and touch the shadow cast on the muscles of Danny’s naked back and shoulders. Instead he settles for sitting down on the edge of the mattress. The dip of the bed is enough to make Danny stir, slowly rolling over onto his back until his hip touches Steve’s thigh.
“Steve?” he mumbles, prying his eyes open.
“I’m sorry,” Steve whispers.
“Why? What’s wrong?” Danny asks, pushing himself up on his elbows as he looks at Steve questioningly.
“I know that with everything that’s going on, I…” Steve stammers, then shakes his head. He swallows hard, trying to work up some courage before he says, “I’m in love with you.”
There’s a silence in the room that draws out for a few seconds, before Danny says, “Oh.”
Steve closes his eyes to drown out the bewildered look on Danny’s face, and then he turns away from Danny, making to get up from the bed. There’s a hand stopping him though, pulling him back down.
“Where are you going?” Danny asks, confused, his hand resting on Steve’s arm.
“It’s okay…” Steve forces himself to smile, forces himself to meet Danny’s eyes.
“You spring this on me when I’m still half asleep,” Danny says, his fingers digging a little deeper in Steve’s skin. “And you don’t give me a second to come to terms with it? To put my thoughts together? God.”
So Steve waits, sits on the edge of the bed and waits as he watches Danny fall back down on the mattress, pinching the bridge of his nose - his fingers still lingering on Steve’s arm.
“Okay,” Danny finally whispers, more to himself than anyone else, and then he’s reaching out his arms and says, “C’mere…”
Danny’s hand settles behind Steve’s neck and pulls, and Steve just sort of folds in two, sinking into Danny’s embrace. Danny’s lips are hovering over Steve’s ear, whispering, “This is what wakes you up after maybe four hours of sleep?”
Steve nods against the crook of Danny’s neck, slipping his arms around Danny’s body, hands pinned between Danny’s skin and the mattress.
“I needed you,” Steve confesses quietly, not entirely sure where all of these words are coming from, but he knows he means each and every one of them.
“You have me,” Danny answers without hesitation, before their lips find each other in a tentative kiss. It’s lazy and sleepy, but there’s a need buried deep inside it.
Steve shifts in the bed, aligning himself perfectly with Danny, sliding his leg in between Danny’s. Danny drops little kisses on his lips, swiping his tongue out every now and then, always answered by Steve. He pulls at Steve’s body, rolling him flat on top of him, hands resting underneath Steve’s ass, pulling him close. Their cocks grind against each other, only separated by Danny’s sweatpants and Steve’s boxers, and Steve can feel the head of Danny’s cock through them all, pressing in the dip of his hip. Before he knows it, he’s building up a rhythm, thrusting down against Danny. Their kisses interrupted by tiny groans and grunts now, until Steve bites Danny’s bottom lip and Danny yelps and bucks up underneath him.
“’s nice…” Steve mutters, his nose buried against Danny’s cheek.
“Yeah?” Danny smiles, breathless, one hand slipping inside Steve’s boxers, cupping his ass.
“I like the noises you make,” Steve smiles back, face rubbing against the early morning stubble on Danny’s chin.
“You haven’t heard nothing yet…” Danny says, pushing up his hips, creating more friction between them.
“Will I get to hear it all?” Steve asks, pulling back so he can look at Danny. It’s meant to come out flippant and light, but it’s anything but.
“All of it,” Danny answers earnestly as he stills.
Steve lets out a shuddering breath, then crushes his lips back against Danny’s, circling his hips down.
Danny clings to him, one hand squeezing Steve’s ass, the other pulling Steve down by his shirt, nearly crushing himself underneath Steve’s weight.
They’re both so high-strung, it doesn’t take long for them to get close to the edge. Steve slips both his legs in between Danny’s, pushing them apart as he pushes down, pressing his boxers-clad cock underneath Danny’s balls and gliding up. Danny twitches underneath him, grunting against Steve’s mouth as he comes, dampening his sweatpants.
Both arms slip around Steve’s neck, pulling him as close as possible as he keeps squirming underneath Steve until Steve comes with a whine, collapsing on top of Danny.
Their breathing is loud, and Danny keeps stroking his hands across Steve’s back until Steve can catch his breath and start pressing kisses behind Danny’s ear. Danny hums contently.
“Thank you…” Steve whispers, closing his eyes and sniffing in the unique scent of Danny.
Danny huffs out a laugh. “You’re thanking me for an orgasm?”
Steve smiles as he pulls back, looking Danny in the eye.
“I’m thanking you for… everything.”
Danny closes his lips over Steve’s and says, “I’m happy to give you… everything.”
Steve kisses back, pulling Danny with him as he rolls to his side, giving Danny some space to breathe.
“Ugh…” Danny crinkles his nose as he reluctantly pulls back a bit, shimmying out of his dirty sweatpants. Steve grins as he takes off his shirt, wiping the last remains off Danny’s body and does the same for himself before throwing his shirt and boxers carelessly to the floor.
“Can we get some more sleep now?” Danny mumbles, settling nicely underneath Steve’s arm, curled over his chest.
Steve simply closes his eyes and tightens his arms around Danny a little bit more.
…
Breakfast is spent with Danny filling Steve in on everything that’s been happening while he was gone. Steve gets the entire story about Chin and Delano, how he had to choose between Malia and Kono, and how it ended with them both in the hospital - thankfully no longer fighting for their lives - and with Delano still at large. Danny also fills him in on what’s happening with Rachel and Stan, planning to move away and threatening to take Grace with them. Steve listens and has to promise Danny three times he won’t go threaten Stan or Rachel, or worse.
“Can I at least help out with a good lawyer?” Steve asks, sipping from his coffee.
“If you know a good one, yes,” Danny nods, “And you can help by… you know, being there for me.”
How Danny actually manages to look nervous after what they shared earlier that morning, Steve doesn’t understand.
“That’s a given, Danny,” Steve says, closing his hand over Danny’s on the table.
Danny leans in to kiss him, brushing the thumb of his free hand over Steve’s jaw.
“You ready?” Danny asks as he finally pulls away, nodding towards the empty plate in front of Steve.
Steve nods and gets up, grabbing Danny’s plate too and placing them in the sink.
“We should get to the hospital,” Steve says, chugging the last of his coffee and placing the cup with the plates. “Don’t want Kono to have to leave alone.”
“I’ll go shower,” Danny nods, and heads for the bathroom.
“I uhm…” Steve says, standing awkwardly in the middle of the little kitchenette.
Danny smiles as he tosses over his shoulder, “What are you waiting for, big guy? If we shower together, we’ll gain time.”
“Yeah…” Steve smiles as he follows Danny into the bathroom, stripping off his clothes. “I’m not so sure about that.”
…
There’s a missed call as they’re getting out of the shower and into their clothes, and Steve shuts his phone off the second he hears the now familiar voice of his mother calling his name.
“What’s that?” Danny asks, noticing the obvious change in Steve’s composure.
“Wrong number,” Steve lies quickly, dropping his phone on the bed as he grabs a clean shirt from his duffel bag.
“But they left a message?” Danny frowns.
Steve shrugs and takes a step closer to Danny, wrapping his arm around his waist as he drops a kiss on Danny’s lips.
“I never thought you’d be so touchy-feely,” Danny smiles, fingers tracing an invisible line on Steve’s chest, planting another kiss on Steve’s mouth.
“Too much?” Steve asks, suddenly on edge about everything, his mother’s voice still ringing through his head.
“You goof,” Danny smiles instead, “I like it!”
And he proves it by pulling Steve in close and kissing him thoroughly. Steve relaxes into the kiss, pushing all thoughts of the phone call out of his mind, addressing his focus fully on Danny, because it seems that Danny is the only one who can clear his head and make him relax.
…
There’s another call as they arrive at the hospital. It’s a private number, but Steve can guess who it is and he hits the ignore button before the second ring.
“Wrong number again?” Danny frowns as Steve pockets his phone.
Steve just attempts a smile and shrugs. “’s nothing.”
“Look, Steve,” Danny says, stopping him in the corridor of Kono’s floor.
“Don’t worry about it,” Steve says quickly, already looking over his shoulder even though he has no idea where Kono’s room is exactly.
“It’s Joe, isn’t it?” Danny asks, and it’s simply too easy for Steve to nod. He doesn’t want to lie, not to Danny. He just can’t handle rehashing the entire story and there’s no way Danny will ever be content with a simple, ‘My mother is still alive, can we please never talk about it again?’ So he nods when Danny thinks it’s Joe, and Danny takes his hand for a second and squeezes reassuringly.
“I don’t want to talk about it,” Steve says, his voice down to a whisper.
“Okay,” Danny mutters.
“It’s just… I don’t wanna see him or hear from him again,” Steve says, jaw clenched.
“Hey, Steve…” Danny says, taking a step closer so he can rest his hand on Steve’s shoulder. “It’s okay.”
Steve swallows, nods. “Okay.”
“Let’s go see Kono, ‘kay?” Danny smiles, sliding his hand over Steve’s shoulder before leading the way up to Kono’s room.
He does a cursory knock before pushing open the door. Kono is sitting on the edge of the bed, bags already next to her. She looks tired and wary, but otherwise okay. She smiles broadly at Danny before saying to Steve, “You are not allowed to leave the country again. Bad things happen when you leave.”
Steve ducks his head and offers a weak smile.
“I’m chaining him to the desk.” Danny smiles, giving Steve a quick wink.
“Are you alright?” Steve asks Kono. She’s paler than usual, dark circles under her eyes, like she hasn’t been sleeping well.
“I doubt I’ll be in the mood for a swim any time soon.” She smiles, but Steve can tell it’s forced.
“I’m sorry.” Steve offers, and then Kono steps closer to him and he automatically closes his arms around her. She seems tiny, all of a sudden.
“I’ll be okay,” Kono murmurs against his shoulder, but her arms tighten around Steve’s waist nonetheless.
After a second or so, she pulls back with a sniff and says, “Alright. You boys ready to bust me out of here, or what?”
“You bet.” Danny smiles reassuringly, grabbing the bag that was ready on the bed.
“Let’s go by Chin and Malia first, yeah?” Kono asks, and the look on Steve’s face must’ve been obvious ‘cause she pats him on the arm and says, “Hey, it wasn’t his fault.”
“I know,” Steve says quickly, “It’s just…”
“He made the right choice,” Kono says, and as small and insecure as she looked just a second ago, she seems quite sure about this, and Steve is glad for it.
Danny babbles as they make their way to Malia’s room, a floor up. He keeps touching Steve’s arm and shoulder, offering a constant reassurance that Steve can definitely use right now. He stops mid-sentence as Kono halts when he brushes his hand over Steve’s and squeezes.
“You’re as stealthy as a bull in a china shop,” Steve deadpans at Danny.
“What’s going on?” Kono asks, her smile widening.
“Steve here has finally come to his senses and made his move.” Danny grins, giving Steve a nudge with his shoulder.
“Oh my God!” Kono shrieks, “That’s awesome. You two? Oh brah… I’m so happy! Who would have thought?”
“You mean besides all those people making married jokes?” Danny asks.
“Well, yeah, but I didn’t think you guys would actually…” Kono trails off, shaking her head as she smiles broadly. “This is amazing, you guys.”
“Yeah…”’ Steve smiles as he looks at Danny, his chest filling with pride and happiness and a ridiculous urge to swoop Danny up in his arms and kiss him.
…
Malia is awake and smiling, her hand firmly placed in Chin’s when they walk in. Chin reaches out his other hand to touch Kono’s, like he wants to make sure she’s still there.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t there,” Steve tells Chin and Malia, and he means it too. Somehow being there to help out his friends - his true Ohana - seems more important to Steve than the other clusterfuck that became his life since he went to Japan.
“You couldn’t have known, Steve,” Chin says, giving him a weak but reassuring smile.
“How are you feeling?” Steve asks Malia.
“Well, I could be dead, so I’m guessing I can’t complain,” she answers, smiling at Steve with tired eyes.
“That seems to be the Five-0 mentality,” Danny jokes, standing at the edge of her bed.
“I fit right in, no?” Malia smiles, and Chin squeezes her hand and leans in to drop a kiss on her forehead.
“Any news on Delano?” Chin asks, eyes flickering between Steve and Danny.
“I just got back during the night,” Steve says apologetic, “Danny filled me in during breakfast, but…”
He looks at Danny for more information.
“Nothing concrete yet, I’m sorry,” Danny says, “HPD is having a big manhunt, but no news so far. But now that Kono’s on her feet again, and Steve’s back…”
“We’re getting right on it.” Steve nods firmly. “He’s not getting away, Chin. I promise.”
Chin nods at Steve, then glances over at Kono like he’s seeking her approval.
“Stop looking at me like that, cuz,” Kono says, wrapping her arm around Chin’s shoulder. “I thought we talked about this?”
“Yeah, but Kono…” Chin starts, shaking his head, “I…”
“The only one who’s blaming you is yourself, Chin,” Kono says firmly, then kisses his temple.
…
The next week is spent in a haze. The hunt for Delano isn’t getting them anywhere, even with Chin dividing his time between the hospital and HQ. Kono is slowly finding her bearings again - even though Steve knows she hasn’t been surfing since it happened - and Steve keeps dodging calls from his mother which is getting harder and harder to hide from Danny.
“That is one hell of a persistent man,” Danny says, walking into the living room as Steve pushes the ignore button on yet another anonymous call.
“Danny…” Steve sighs, but Danny’s already holding his hands up in defense.
“I know, you don’t want to talk about it,” Danny says, and his tone makes it very clear that Danny would like to talk about it.
“He’ll give up eventually,” Steve says, gritting his teeth as the lie slips out a little too easily.
“Maybe if you’d answer him once, you know… bite the bullet?” Danny suggests, almost muttering under his breath.
“Maybe if we just don’t talk about it?” Steve suggests instead, grabbing Danny by the arm and pulling him in close, ducking down for a kiss.
Danny hums against his lips, and Steve can tell he’s got something else to say but Steve effectively cuts him off by parting his lips and capturing Danny in a deep kiss. Steve is already pulling Danny’s shirt free from his pants when Danny breaks the kiss and mumbles, “You’ve got good techniques to shut a man up.” And Steve knows he’s not fooling anyone, but Danny is smiling and pushing his hips against Steve’s and scrambling at Steve’s clothes so he figures he’s at least off the hook for now.
“Just wanna fuck you, Danny,” Steve grins, stealing another kiss as he pushes Danny’s shirt off his shoulders.
“Ever the romantic,” Danny snorts, fingers tracing every inch of skin underneath Steve’s shirt. “And what if I wanna fuck you?”
Steve freezes for a second, staring at Danny. Somehow, they’ve only ever done it with Steve on top, but the thought of Danny inside him makes his stomach do an excited little flip and he’s finding himself out of breath all of a sudden.
“It was just a suggestion…” Danny mutters quietly, obviously taking Steve’s reaction as a rejection.
“No, yes,” Steve rushes out, his breathing ragged. He fumbles at Danny’s belt. “Yes. Want you to.”
Danny’s face lights up in a grin. “Yeah?”
And then Steve is pulling him up the stairs, towards the bedroom. He isn’t quite sure why they’ve never done it this way before, but the thought of Danny filling him, of Danny controlling the rhythm, pushing up inside of him… the thought that Steve could maybe just give in and let Danny call the shots… it seems like bliss to him now.
“Have you ever actually …?” Danny trails off as Steve sprawls out on the bed, Danny covering his entire body.
“No,” Steve admits, fingers trailing over Danny’s jawline.
“Okay,” Danny says softly, his hands mapping out the planes of Steve’s muscles. “It’ll be okay.”
And Steve knows that it will be, because it’s Danny and Danny is the one true thing in his life and it can never not be okay. Danny kisses Steve thoroughly, fumbling with the drawer of the night stand to fish out supplies and then they’re both naked and Danny’s slicked up fingers are finding their way inside Steve and he hisses ‘cause it’s weird and new and stinging a bit, but Danny stretches him out slowly until he’s ready for more.
“You’re so beautiful when you just let go,” Danny says as he drops another kiss on Steve’s lips.
“Only with you…” Steve whispers and then Danny pushes in - slowly, his eyes fixed on Steve’s face.
There’s a kiss, and another one, as Danny bottoms out and starts working up a rhythm, Steve’s arms securely around Danny’s body, his heels digging into the back of Danny’s thighs.
Danny keeps mumbling things as he pushes in deeper and deeper, and Steve just feels full and complete.
…
“You’re being quiet again,” Danny says as he comes up behind Steve, who is seated at his office desk. Danny crosses his arms behind Steve’s neck, leaning on his shoulders.
“Hmm,” Steve mutters, his eyes fixed on the file in front of him.
“Tell me what’s going on, babe,” Danny says, planting a kiss on Steve’s ear, before nuzzling his hair.
“I didn’t hear you come in,” Steve admits absentmindedly.
“Well there’s the first clue that something’s wrong,” Danny says.
“How was your meeting with the lawyer?” Steve asks, closing the file and leaning his head back a little closer to Danny’s.
“Not bad,” Danny says, “He thinks we have a good case. I’m still hoping Rachel will come to her senses before it comes to all this though.”
“Me too,” Steve says with a sigh.
“What’s wrong, Steve?” Danny asks, pulling away from him and parking his butt on the edge of Steve’s desk.
“Nothing,” Steve says quickly. He traces his fingers over the edge of the file on his desk. “We’re still no closer to catching Delano.”
“And…?” Danny urges.
“And the whole custody thing,” Steve sighs, leaning back in his chair to look at Danny. “I don’t want you to lose Grace.”
“I’m not going to,” Danny says determined.
“I don’t want to lose you,” Steve admits, head ducked.
“Is that what this is about?” Danny asks, scooting a little closer, putting his hand on top of Steve’s.
Steve shrugs, refusing to look Danny in the eye.
“You think I’m going to go where Grace goes and that means losing me?” Danny asks, squeezing Steve’s hand.
Steve looks stubbornly at the wall, but doesn’t answer.
“Because that’s not going to happen either, Steve,” Danny says clearly, “First of all, Grace isn’t moving away yet, that’s what this whole court thing is about. And secondly, even if she is… There are other options. There’s planes, and long distance relationships, or we can become ‘Five-0 Las Vegas’, you know?”
Steve can’t help but smile, finally looking at Danny. “Yeah?”
“Nobody’s moving yet, babe,” Danny says reassuringly, leaning in for a kiss. “And either way, you’re not getting rid of me that easily. I’m here to stay.”
“Good,” Steve says, pressing his lips firmly against Danny’s. “Good…”
The door to Steve’s office opens suddenly and Kono rushes in.
“If you two are done being sickeningly cute,” she says, hooking her thumb over her shoulder, “We got a trail on Delano.”
…
Danny’s face is white as a sheet when Steve comes into the kitchen through the lanai, back from his morning swim. He’s staring at the phone - Steve’s phone - in his hand like he doesn’t know what the object is for.
“Danny?” Steve asks, carefully taking a few steps closer.
Danny drops the phone on the table like it’s on fire. He purposefully doesn’t look at Steve, his mouth hanging slightly open, his face blank.
“Danno?” Steve asks again, but Danny puts a hand up as Steve takes another step closer. He almost flinches and pulls back.
“I thought it was Joe again…” Danny starts, his voice low and deliberate, and Steve feels a dread rising in his stomach because he knows where this is going to go, he knows what just happened and pretty soon the walls are going to come crumbling down.
“I thought it was Joe and I wanted to tell him to fuck off, to leave you the hell alone,” Danny says, his voice distant, and he’s still not looking at Steve. “I wanted to…” He snorts humorlessly. “I wanted to help you.”
“Danny…” Steve whispers, but he really doesn’t have anything to follow that.
“How could you not tell me?” Danny asks, finally looking at Steve with red-rimmed eyes.
Steve wills his fingers to stop trembling, wills his heart rate to slow down. Wills himself to find an answer for Danny, but he comes up blank.
“It doesn’t matter,” Steve mumbles, shaking his head.
“It doesn’t matter?” Danny asks incredulous, voice rising. “Your mother is alive, Steve. How can it not matter?”
Steve actually flinches at the words. Like hearing them said out loud somehow makes it more real, makes it more difficult to escape.
“It was all a lie,” Steve spits out, “They all lied to me. I can’t…” He sighs, defeated.
“Just like you lied to me,” Danny says after a beat.
And Steve knows it’s true, knows he has no excuse, but Danny simply doesn’t understand.
“How could you not tell me?” Danny shouts, his voice shrill, bouncing off the walls.
“I wasn’t purposefully keeping it from you…” Steve starts, but Danny cuts him off.
“That’s bullshit,” Danny snaps, “You told me it was Joe. You said Japan was another wild goose chase. We’ve been sleeping together, I’ve been sharing everything with you, and you didn’t even bother to tell me something so unbelievably huge.”
“It doesn’t matter,” Steve says again, raking his fingers through his hair. “I don’t want her in my life. They all kept it from me… my Dad, Joe, all of them.”
“You kept it from me!” Danny yells, smacking his palms flat down on the kitchen table.
“I didn’t want to talk about it!” Steve shouts in his defense.
“Not even with me?” Danny asks loudly, and Steve can see Danny’s heart crumble. “I thought this thing between us, I though it actually meant something.”
“Of course it means something!” Steve pleads, “Danny, it means everything to me!”
“So much that you couldn’t even tell me that you found out that your mother is still alive?” Danny huffs. “We’re supposed to be partners, on all levels, but you couldn’t even tell me this?”
“This has nothing to do with us,” Steve says, taking a few steps closer to Danny, placing his hands on Danny’s shoulders.
“It has everything to do with us,” Danny shakes his head, shrugging off Steve’s touch.
“It doesn’t,” Steve insists, grabbing Danny’s arm.
“I don’t even know what to say to you anymore…” Danny mutters, deflated. He’s staring at the floor and Steve pulls him in, hand finding his way to Danny’s cheek.
“Danny…” he pleads, resting his nose against Danny’s forehead, leaning in to kiss the skin there.
Danny sighs, turning his head away from Steve, but Steve repeats Danny’s name, leaning in to kiss Danny properly. Danny responds, willfully opening his mouth underneath Steve’s. The kiss is desperate, Steve’s way of clinging on, of making everything alright even though it isn’t. He reaches down, fingers curling around Danny’s belt buckle, but Danny breaks the kiss, turns his head away.
“Don’t…” Danny whispers, his voice barely audible.
Steve nuzzles his face against Danny’s neck, trying to get Danny back for a kiss, until Danny shouts, “Don’t!” and pushes Steve away from him.
“Danny…” Steve pleads, trying to get back into Danny’s embrace, but Danny takes a step backwards.
“What?” Danny spits out. “You think you can just fuck me and everything will be alright again?”
“That’s not…” Steve trails off.
“Because it makes you forget?” Danny shouts, his arms clinging around his own body. “Is that what I am to you? An escape route? Someone to make you forget?”
“That is not true and you know it!” Steve says, but Danny is already shaking his head and Steve can feel his eyes stinging, his heart beating in his throat.
“How am I supposed to know what’s true anymore?” Danny asks, eyes red and filled with unshed tears.
“Danny,” Steve says, his jaw clenched, his body shaking.
Danny shakes his head sadly. “This is over, Steve,” he says, and walks out of the kitchen.
Steve can hear the front door close a few seconds later, and he only just makes it to the bathroom in time to throw up.
…
If it wasn’t for the fact that they’ve finally been getting close to catching Delano, Steve isn’t sure Danny would’ve shown up for work the next day. He avoids Steve like his life depends on it, even avoids looking at him.
There’s a lead from an ex-associate of Delano’s that could pay off, and the entire team is huddled around the tech table, but there’s a definite chill in the air and it doesn’t go unnoticed by Chin or Kono.
“What’s going on, you guys?” Kono asks, looking from Steve to Danny.
“Nothing,” Danny says, a little too quickly, then turns to Chin. “How’s Malia?”
“Taking it easy, but glad to be at home,” Chin answers, but he’s frowning at Danny’s avoidance and looks to Steve for answers.
“If we put surveillance on the motel instead of going in hard…” Steve starts, his eyes back on the screens, but Chin interrupts, “How about we make sure this chill between you and Danny doesn’t freeze us all to death before discussing tactics on how to get Delano?”
“He nearly killed Kono and Malia,” Steve snaps, fists clenched.
“Yeah, and don’t I know it?” Chin says, “But if there’s a problem between you two and you can’t work together, we’re all gonna get ourselves killed when we go in.”
“Fine,” Steve says curtly, “You go with Danny then, I’ll take Kono.”
Kono opens her mouth to say something, but is cut off by Steve’s cell phone that starts ringing. He fishes it out of his pocket and pushes ignore just as quickly.
“You just gonna keep ignoring her?” Danny asks, his voice strangled.
“Danny, don’t even start…” Steve puts up a hand in warning.
“You think you can just do this forever?” Danny goes on anyway. “Pretend she doesn’t exist? Pretend this isn’t happening?”
“Danny,” Steve barks, his stomach twisting in a knot.
“You can’t live your life the way you want it to be, Steve,” Danny snaps. “You can’t just ignore the things that you can’t handle and only choose to live the good part.”
“No, we can just give up on the good part altogether, like you did,” Steve counters, ignoring the confused looks from Chin and Kono from across the tech table.
“Right, like I did it to spite you…” Danny snorts humorlessly.
“I don’t know why you did, Danny, because we were good together,” Steve says, his finger up and pointing at Danny.
“You lied to me, Steve!” Danny shouts, “And you’re lying to Chin and Kono, too, for that matter.”
“What?” Kono asks, crossing her arms in front of her.
Steve turns away from them all, gritting his teeth.
“You keep ignoring her calls and she’s going to show up here one day, and everyone will know,” Danny says, taking a few steps closer to Steve but staying out of his personal space. “And you’ll be unprepared.”
“You tell ‘em then,” Steve snaps, rushing towards the exit ‘cause he’s not getting enough air in there. “You seem to have it all figured out anyway.”
…
Steve stares at the phone in his hand like it’s the source of all evil. Like it’s to blame for everything that went wrong, even though he knows it’s the wrong thing to blame. He knows he isn’t exactly innocent in all of this. But how could Danny not understand? How couldn’t he get that Steve’s entire world turned out to be a lie, and that that’s not just something you get over in a few minutes? How could he not understand that everything that is there between the two of them… that it’s real? More real than anything Steve has ever known in his entire life.
The phone rings and he almost pushes the ignore button before he realizes it’s Danny.
“Yeah?” Steve asks, phone to his ear.
“We found Delano at the motel,” Danny says, all business. “We’re going in. If you’re not here in fifteen, we’re doing it without you.”
Steve scrambles to his feet, car keys at the ready.
“I’m there,” he says, “Don’t move without me.”
“Then don’t be late,” Danny answers just before hanging up.
Steve doesn’t count the traffic rules he breaks but he gets there with three minutes to spare. He’s strapping on his vest as the others are already taking position, HPD included.
“You and Kono got the back,” Chin tells him, and the sympathetic look on his face tells him that Danny has told them everything.
“Got it,” Steve says, not in the mood to argue over who’s in control of the raid. “Which room is he in?”
“Two-fifteen,” Chin says, and then they’re all taking positions, ready to go in.
It all happens in a flash. The front door gets kicked in while Steve and Kono guard the back window, there’s shooting and a flash-bang going off, and lots of yelling before he hears Chin shout, “I got him!” over the radio. Steve and Kono jump in through the window to find Delano face-down on the floor. Chin’s knee is pressed in his back and his hand has a firm grip on the handcuffs. The bloody nose on Delano’s face is the least of Steve’s worries.
Steve’s attention is quickly drawn by Danny though, leaning against the door frame, rubbing his eyes.
“Danny…” Steve rushes to his side, eyes scanning Danny’s entire body for injuries. “Are you hurt?”
There’s nothing visible, but Danny’s blinking his eyes and waving Steve off.
“Bastard had a flash-bang,” Danny explains. “I hate those things.”
Steve lets out a sigh of relief as he wraps his arm around Danny’s shoulder and is just about ready to pull him in when he remembers…
“Sorry,” he mutters as he pulls back awkwardly, ducking his head.
“I’m fine,” Danny says, clearing his throat and holstering his gun.
Steve nods, swallows away the lump in his throat as he walks out of the motel room. Danny’s fine. He’s fine. But Steve only wished he could say the same thing about himself.
…
It doesn’t seem entirely fair to do this yet again, but with the way things are going, Steve isn’t entirely sure Danny would even pick up the phone if he called. He sighs but leaves the letter on Danny’s desk anyway.
“You ready?”
Steve turns around and looks at his sister. He takes a deep breath. She looks about as nervous as he does, but she’s here, and that’s not nothing.
“Ask me that again when we’re in Japan…” Steve says, and Mary shoots him a look.
“Ready as I’ll ever be, I guess,” he says. “Let’s go.”
Mary nods and follows him out the door.
The ride to the airport is mainly quiet. During the flight, Steve puts his hand over Mary’s, stopping her from fidgeting.
“It’ll be fine,” Steve says, not sure if he believes it himself.
“What does she look like?” Mary asks suddenly, and it takes him by surprise.
“Uhm… I don’t know, like our mother.” Steve shrugs, taking his hand back.
“Genius.” Mary rolls her eyes.
“What do you want me to say, Mar?” Steve asks. “She’s our mother. Just… older.”
“Did you recognize her right away?” Mary asks.
Steve nods, seeing that moment in his mind over and over again, when he opened the door and saw her standing there.
“I don’t even know what to say to her,” Mary admits, leaning her head against the headrest.
“Me neither.” Steve sighs.
“Then why are we even going, Steve?” Mary turns a little in her seat to face him. “This was your idea, you convinced me. Why are we doing this?”
“She’s our mother, Mary,” Steve frowns. “We can’t ignore this forever.”
“But why?” Mary asks, and suddenly Steve can see that petulant child again, always fighting him on everything.
“Because,” Steve snaps, and isn’t that just the lamest thing he’s ever said?
“Because Danny said so?” Mary says, drawing out Danny’s name.
Steve rubs his fingers over his eyes, turning to look out the window. There’s a vast ocean beneath them, hidden behind a tiny sheet of clouds.
“I have to do this, Mary,” Steve says eventually. “I love him, and he thinks I was only using him to forget. To distract me or something.”
“And this will fix things between the two of you?” Mary asks, entwining her fingers with Steve’s, on the armrest between them.
“Probably not…” Steve says, defeated. He looks at Mary. “But either way, he’s right. We can’t keep running.”
Mary nods, gripping his fingers a little tighter. So Steve holds on and nods back, closing his eyes for a second.
“I really do hope you can work it out with Danny though,” Mary whispers, leaning her head against Steve’s shoulder.
He leans back against her and swallows away the lump in his throat.
…
It isn’t a big surprise to Steve that it’s Mary who breaks first, and as he’s seeing his mother’s arms around her, both of them sobbing against each other’s shoulder, Steve has to blink away the sting in his eyes. He wants it too, and yet he doesn’t. He wants to yell some more, wants to blame her for everything that’s happened since he was sixteen years old, wants to blame her for the way he turned out, for Danny breaking up with him - because that was her fault too, dammit.
So he doesn’t accept the embrace that she tries to offer after Mary is finally done sobbing, but he accepts the cup of tea she makes him, and the talk to go along with it.
Her voice is just the way he remembered. A bit more hoarse, maybe, but still soft and soothing.
“Joe has kept me updated on you two,” she smiles at Mary, who returns it, and then at Steve.
“I wish I could say the same,” Steve says calmly, but curtly.
“You have to understand, Steve,” his mother tells him, not for the first time, “We couldn’t. It was too dangerous.”
Steve nods, brings the cup of tea to his lips as he sips at it. He’s not sure arguing over the same thing over and over again will get them anywhere, so he doesn’t counter what she says. She knows the way he feels, anyway. He made it abundantly clear the last time he was here, right before storming off.
“I never meant for your lives to become so difficult,” his mother says, “You have to believe that.”
“You couldn’t honestly have expected it to be easy, could you?” Steve frowns as he cradles the cup in his hands.
“None of this was easy, Steve,” she says, “For any of us. But we did it to protect you. To make sure you would both still be alive.”
“I can protect myself, protect Mary,” Steve argues, but his mother cuts him off.
“Not at sixteen, Steve.”
Steve sighs, puts the cup down on the table. Mary reaches out her hand and squeezes his as he gets up to start pacing around the room.
“From where you are standing now,” his mother starts, “You may never agree with me. But you’re not looking at it as parents of two teenage children. Everything your father and I did was to protect you. Everything we did was because we loved you. And if you ever have children, maybe you’ll understand why we did what we did.”
For a split second, Grace’s face pops into Steve’s mind and he closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. Would Danny have acted the same way? Would Steve, if he’d actually gotten the chance to become another father figure for Grace? If he hadn’t messed it all up?
He thinks of what Danny would do, the lengths he would go to keep Grace safe, and the answer is quite easy… anything. And if Steve is completely honest with himself, it’s probably exactly what Steve would do for Danny and Grace as well.
He can almost hear Danny’s voice in his head, going ‘And you couldn’t even be honest with me?’
When he sighs and turns back around, his mother is standing in front of him.
“Steve, I don’t expect us to be the way we were again, as if the last twenty years didn’t happen,” she says, bringing up her hands but stopping short of touching him.
Steve nods, jaw clenched.
“All I ask is that you try and give us a chance to get to know each other,” she says, still holding her hands out as an invitation. Steve can tell they’re shaking slightly. Her face is open and Steve can see the fear in her eyes, and he realizes it’s not fear for her safety, but fear of his rejection.
He looks over at Mary, who’s chewing her fingernails like she’s got a personal vendetta against them. But she’s looking back and nods slightly.
The “okay” that leaves his mouth is croaked and barely audible, but his mother’s face cracks open in a smile as he lets his hands slip inside hers.
Baby steps, he thinks, and then, maybe this is possible anyway.
…
It would be ridiculous if he wasn’t so damn nervous, but here he is again, back from Japan and standing in front of Danny’s door. It’s dark out, but the soft muttering of the TV and the lights that he can see through the curtains tell Steve that Danny is still awake. And yet he can’t quite bring himself to knock. What if it’s all too late? Sure, he finally confronted things, but that doesn’t take away the fact that he didn’t let Danny in. That he kept it a secret from him. What if Danny is never able to forgive him?
Steve sighs and blinks away the sting in his eyes. Then there’s a hand on his shoulder and when he looks over, Mary gives him an encouraging smile. Steve nods and finally knocks.
The seconds it takes Danny to open the door seem more like decades, and then he’s standing there, hand still on the door like he’s thinking of closing it in Steve’s face.
“Danny…” Steve says, taking a deep breath. “I’d like you to meet my mother, Doris.”
Danny’s eyes go wide as they look past Steve, to Mary, then at Steve’s mother who’s standing a little to the side.
Danny opens his mouth but no sound comes out and so Doris takes a step forward, reaching out her hand.
“It’s nice to meet you, Danny,” she says.
Danny snaps out of it quite quickly, shaking her hand firmly.
“It’s uhm, it’s nice to meet you, too,” he says, looking from Doris to Steve, like he can’t believe she’s actually standing there.
Steve just shrugs nervously, hands shoved deep inside his pockets.
“Come in,” Danny says, waving them all in.
His mother steps inside the small living room, followed by Mary, who nods hello. Danny blocks Steve by the door, looking at him questioningly.
“I uhm… I went to Japan,” Steve says.
“Yeah, I figured,” Danny all but snorts, throwing a look over his shoulder at Doris and Mary, who are whispering to each other by the couch. “I got your letter.”
“Yeah, well…” Steve shrugs. “You told me I couldn’t ignore it forever.”
“Who knew you’d actually listen,” Danny mutters, and he seems genuinely surprised.
“I listen, Danny,” Steve says, head ducked close to Danny’s. “You have no idea how much what you say means to me.”
“Just…” Danny holds up his hand, close to Steve’s chest. “Let’s not do this now, alright?”
Steve nods reluctantly, takes a deep breath and turns towards his mother and sister.
“Believe it or not, this place is an improvement over the last apartment he had,” Steve says, plastering on a smile.
“I think it’s lovely,” his mother says politely, looking around the room. Her eyes fall on a framed picture of Grace on the wall. “Is this your little girl, Danny?”
“Yeah,” Danny smiles, his face lighting up a bit. “That’s Grace. She’s nine now.”
“She’s beautiful.” Doris smiles, and Steve isn’t quite sure why he feels a surge of pride rising up inside of him.
“She is, right?” Danny smiles back. “And she doesn’t mind my apartment at all.” Danny throws Steve a look and Steve actually manages a real smile.
“How is she liking Hawaii?” Doris asks, her finger sliding over the edge of the frame. She seems genuinely interested.
“I’m hoping better than her father,” Mary jokes, nudging Steve in the ribs with her elbow. Steve grins back.
“She does,” Danny says, “She doesn’t even mind all the pineapple, the crazy girl. And there’s a pool at her mother’s place, and the beach pretty much everywhere else. It’s heaven for a kid who likes to swim.”
“Is she surfing yet?” Doris asks.
“She’s been begging Steve to teach her,” Danny says, looking over at Steve. “But I’m not sure yet.”
“Mary and Steve were so good at surfing when they were kids,” Doris smiles, looking over at her children.
“I was nowhere near as good as Steve, Mom,” Mary says, and Steve’s stomach pinches a bit at the sound of the word “Mom.” He doesn’t think they’ve actually called her that since she’s been back and it sounds foreign to Steve somehow.
“I’m still a bit iffy letting my daughter near waves that could swallow her whole,” Danny admits.
“He likes to exaggerate,” Steve tells his mother, like Danny isn’t standing right there in front of him.
“He likes to laugh in the face of danger,” Danny counters, eyes fixed on Steve.
“Sometimes you need to take a little bit of a risk to experience the good things, Danny,” Steve says, locking gazes with Danny and he’s pretty sure they’re not talking about surfing anymore.
“Yeah, and then you take that risk and you end up getting hurt after all,” Danny says, his face visibly shutting down in front of Steve and it breaks Steve’s heart all over again.
“Danny, I never…” Steve says, taking a step closer but Danny quickly spins away and sighs, “Steve, I am not doing this now, not in front of your sister and your mother, alright?”
“Danny, please, you have to hear me out,” Steve pleads, ignoring the looks on his mother and Mary’s faces, ignoring Danny’s words. Because that look on Danny’s face… he is the one that caused that look, that caused all the hurt, and he can’t just let it go.
“For fuck’s sake!” Danny snaps.
“I love you, alright?” Steve all but shouts, “And I went to Japan and I brought her here and I did what you said and… and I just love you.”
Danny deflates, burying his face in his hands as he groans. His fingers are trembling as he slides them over his face.
There’s a silence in the room, and then Mary’s whispering something in their mother’s ear, and she nods, then steps up to Danny.
“It was really nice to meet you, Danny. And I hope to see you again. But I think Mary and I should leave you two to talk for a bit now,” she says, placing her hand on Danny’s arm for a second.
Danny hugs his arms around his own chest. He looks like he wants to say something but the words seem to get stuck in his throat, so he settles for nodding.
While Mary’s throwing her arms around Danny, Doris steps up to Steve and as she puts a hand against the back of Steve’s neck, Steve’s leaning down before he knows he’s doing it. She gives him a soft kiss on the cheek and he has to swallow away the emotion that rises up in his throat.
“It’ll be fine,” she whispers, and she doesn’t even know Danny but Steve nods anyway and before he knows it, Mary and Doris are out the door and Danny still hasn’t said a word.
Steve takes a deep breath, pinches the bridge of his nose before saying, “I know I’m doing this all wrong. It’s just… I want to fix this and I have no idea how.”
“And saying you love me will do the trick?” Danny asks, frowning.
“I’m not just saying things,” Steve says, because how can Danny not know this? “I do love you. And I messed up, I know I did. I was wrong to keep it from you, but I just couldn’t handle it. I couldn’t deal with it myself, so I just pretended it wasn’t happening.”
“Did you ever stop to think that maybe we could’ve handled it together?” Danny asks, softly.
“I’ve never…” Steve shakes his head. “I don’t have people that share my burden with me, Danny. I’ve never had that.”
“You could have that with me,” Danny says, more firmly now. Like he’s insulted Steve never even gave him the chance. And Steve knows he was wrong, God, does he know it.
“Could have?” Steve asks, and he can’t help that hint of hopefulness in his voice, “Or could have had?”
Danny sighs, biting his bottom lip like he isn’t quite sure what the answer to that is yet.
“I don’t want to be someone that’s just there to help you escape from things when they get rough,” Danny says, “I don’t want to be a means to that end.”
“That was never what it was about, Danny,” Steve counters, unable to stop himself from grabbing Danny’s upper arms and locking eyes with him. “You made me feel happy, complete. When I was with you, I could breathe. You made me…”
“Forget?” Danny quirks an eyebrow.
“No!” Steve says firmly, but he stops himself from shaking Danny by the arms. “I didn’t use you, Danny. I would never… You were the one that made me accept it, that made me go to Japan and confront her. And now I still want you. I still love you.”
Danny closes his eyes, worry lines crinkling around his face as he lets his head fall forward and rest against Steve’s chest. Steve resists the urge to slide his arms around Danny’s frame, keeping his hands steady on Danny’s arms instead as he asks, “What does this mean?”
“Just give me a minute…” Danny whispers, sniffling into Steve’s shirt.
“Okay…” Steve whispers back, closing his eyes and trying to keep his breath steady against the pressure of Danny’s forehead against his chest.
He’s not entirely sure how long they stand there, not moving, not making a sound, until Danny mutters, “I love you too, you know,” and lifts his head with a weak smile.
Steve’s heart is pounding in his chest, and he’s pretty sure it’s audible all the way through the flimsy walls in Danny’s apartment. He tries to loosen the death grip he has on Danny’s arms as he asks again, “So what does this mean?”
“It means…” Danny says, blinking his eyes a few times. “It means, ‘could have’, not ‘could have had’…”
And Danny smiles just as Steve lets out an enormous breath of relief, clinging his arms around Danny now, pulling him in.
“I want to tell you everything, Danny…” Steve mutters, burying his face in Danny’s hair.
“I know, babe,” Danny nods, tilting his head up to catch Steve’s lips.
The kiss is desperate, and a little bit too hard, but Danny’s arms hook around Steve’s neck and their bodies are plastered together and Danny loves him, which makes it basically perfect.
“C’mon,” Danny mutters against Steve’s lips. He’s pushing Steve towards the bedroom, fingers pulling at Steve’s shirt. Steve lifts his arms dutifully, and the shirt hits the floor before they even make it to the bed.
“I don’t wanna rush you,” Steve says, and it feels so stupid because Danny is already working his belt buckle but he’s just so damn scared of messing things up again.
“Unless you don’t want to,” Danny says, stripping off his own shirt and nipping at Steve’s neck while he does it, “I am going to fuck you now, alright?”
Steve just grunts, the words having a direct line to his cock, and he’s toeing off his shoes and socks before falling down on the bed with Danny in a heap of tangled limbs.
“That’s a yes then?” Danny asks, already breathless.
“Want you,” Steve mumbles, almost ripping off the button on Danny’s pants. “Always want you.”
“You have me,” Danny says, and then his lips are sloppy against Steve’s again, and he’s pushing up his hips underneath Steve’s.
Steve squeezes his eyes shut, buries his face in the crook of Danny’s neck and he bites back a sob, fingers gripping at Danny’s naked skin, because they’ve been here before. Danny has promised him this before, and Steve found a way to screw it up anyway.
“Hey…” Danny says, his voice suddenly soft as he stills against Steve. “What’s wrong?”
Steve shakes his head and crushes his lips against Danny’s - he doesn’t want to be so damn needy - but Danny pulls back, hand on Steve’s jaw, keeping him just far enough so he can look Steve in the face.
“I had you before…” Steve croaks, reluctantly.
Danny swallows, hard. He licks his lips before saying, “Yeah, well, we’re both gonna be smarter this time around, alright?”
Steve nods, because he wants it, dammit. He wants to believe Danny when he says this, and he’s almost surprised to find that he does.
“This is it, okay?” Danny says, dropping little kisses on Steve’s cheek, his nose, his jaw. “We know better now. And you have me, always.”
“Always,” Steve repeats, the words but a puff of air leaving his mouth before Danny covers it with his.
And then Steve is being pushed back on the mattress, and Danny is draped over him and Steve knows that it’s true. This is it. And there’s no way he’s ever letting go again.
Recipient: simplyn2deep
Title: To Go Back to a Place I Felt Complete
Pairing/Characters: Steve/Danny; Kono, Chin, Malia, Mary Ann, and Doris.
Summary: Steve comes back from Japan and everything has changed, except for one thing.
Rating: NC-17
Content: N/A
Warnings: Spoilers for season 2 finale!
Word Count: 10.008
Disclaimer: All Hawaii Five-0 characters herein are the property of CBS. No copyright infringement is intended. All characters engaging in sexual activity are 16 years or older.
Author’s Notes: Dear simplyn2deep, I really hope you like this fic.I went with a coda for the season 2 finale.
Many many thanks to I for the amazing beta, the hand-holding, the suggestions, etc. You truly make me a better writer.
When Steve leaves the Honolulu airport, it’s 2 a.m. and his truck is exactly where he left it. He throws his duffel bag on the seat next to him and checks his phone one more time. He’s not sure if he’s really expecting a phone call from Mary, but he isn’t overly surprised when there are no missed calls. Steve called her from Japan, and if he thought doing a death notification was hard… well, telling someone their mother is alive under the current circumstances isn’t exactly the easiest thing Steve’s had to do either. Mary reacted pretty much the exact same way Steve did - angry, disappointed, confused. You name it, Steve figures he and Mary are feeling it right now, and none of it is positive. And Steve is sure he felt relief when Mary told him she wanted nothing to do with their mother. Steve could only agree.
How could everyone keep this from them? How could his mother just disappear and let her children think she was dead? How could his father watch them suffer and not ease their pain? How could he send them away, essentially losing another parent? How could Joe not tell him when he came back into Steve’s life? He wasn’t that same 16 year old boy that needed protecting. How could his entire life have been a lie?
Steve sighs as he leans back against the headrest, rubbing sleep out of his eyes. Phone still in hand, he scrolls to Danny’s last text message.
“I am not exactly thrilled about this, but you get brownie points for actually trying to contact me before you left this time. Be careful, you hear me? And come back soon, okay?”
Against his own will, Steve smiles as he reads the message again. He takes another look at the clock before turning out of his parking space; he knows it’s late, but he can’t help himself from driving over to Danny’s place anyway.
…
Steve stands in front of the door for a whole ten minutes before finally working up the courage to knock. He feels like his energy flooded away the second he turned off the engine and walked up to Danny’s apartment. He’s got his duffel bag by his feet, his clothes feel sticky and dirty from the flight, and he knows he’s in dire need of a shower.
The light flicks on inside the apartment and seconds later, Danny is opening the door. He looks equal parts relieved and annoyed, but then he smiles and says, “So you made it back alive, did you?”
“I always do,” Steve smiles weakly, and he has to swallow away the emotion that rises up at seeing Danny again.
“You make sure to keep that up, alright?” Danny says, taking the duffel bag from the porch and dropping it behind the door.
Steve walks in behind Danny. Danny’s hair is tousled, his sweatpants riding low on his hips, and his crisp white t-shirt wrinkled at the edges.
“I woke you,” Steve states.
“Genius.” Danny all but rolls his eyes, motioning for Steve to sit down on the couch, to which he gratefully obliges.
“So tell me about Shelburne…” Danny says as he sits down next to Steve, knees drawn up, bare toes mere inches away from Steve’s leg.
Steve sighs deeply, shakes his head as he says, “It was… Joe took me on another wild goose chase. I can’t… He didn’t come back with me, I’m done with him.”
“What?” Danny frowns.
“He stayed in Japan,” Steve continues, feeling his stomach churn at not telling Danny the entire truth. “I don’t care what he does next. He’s strung me on too long. I’m done.”
“I’m sorry, babe,” Danny says, a hand landing softly on Steve’s forearm. “I know you wanted to trust him…”
Steve snorts. The words feel so bitter. He did trust Joe, but everything was just a lie.
“Yeah, I don’t really wanna…” Steve shakes his head, biting his bottom lip. “How were things here? What did I miss?”
It’s Danny’s turn to snort now, and he half-laughs as he rubs his eyes with the palms of his hands.
“What?” Steve asks, turning towards Danny on the couch.
“Kono and Malia are in the hospital,” Danny finally says, looking at Steve.
“What?” Steve all but jumps off the couch, but Danny places his hands on Steve’s shoulders, pushing him back down.
“It’s okay, they’re okay,” Danny says quickly, “Kono will be released tomorrow. She was in the water for a while, she was hypothermic. But she’s fine and she’s getting out tomorrow. Malia was… she was shot. It was a through-and-through and she’ll recover completely. Chin is with them both.”
“What the hell happened?” Steve asks, ‘cause seriously? He leaves the country for a few days and it all goes to hell?
“It’s a long story, babe,” Danny sighs, “But they’re all fine. Everyone’s fine.”
“And you?” Steve asks, ‘cause he can’t quite shake the feeling that something more is up.
“Why don’t we reserve that fun story for the morning, eh?” Danny smiles weakly, trying to get up, but Steve holds him back by the arm.
“Danno…”
“Look, I’m really tired,” Danny sighs, “And you look like you’re about to keel over, so let’s just stick to the bullet points and I promise I’ll fill you in on everything tomorrow. Kono and Malia. Me. Everything. Okay?”
Steve nods, and Danny settles back and says, “I’m taking Rachel back to court. She’s trying to take Gracie away from me, and… I can’t just let her do that.”
“Oh God, Danny,” Steve says, his fingers tightening on Danny’s arm.
“It’s going to be fine,” Danny nods, but Steve can tell he’s not convinced, “Nobody’s taking my baby girl away from me without a fight, you know that.”
“I’m here for you, Danny,” Steve is saying the words before he even realizes he says them, “Anything I need to do… I’m here for you.”
“Thank you.” Danny smiles, and it’s genuine this time. “Can you do one thing for me now?”
“Anything,” Steve repeats immediately.
“Please go take a shower and then go to sleep,” Danny says, deadpan.
Steve laughs, nods. “Yeah, I think I can do that.”
“You know the way,” Danny says as he gets up, pointing towards the bathroom. “I’ll get you a blanket and a pillow and I’ll leave clean boxers and a shirt out for you on the couch, okay?”
“Thank you, Danny,” Steve says as he heads towards the bathroom.
“Anytime,” he hears Danny say before he closes the bathroom door behind him.
…
Steve wakes up when it’s still half-dark outside. He knows he hasn’t had nearly enough sleep, but he simply cannot stay on that couch for a second longer. It feels like everything has changed since his most recent trip to Japan. So many things that he thought he knew… just weren’t there anymore.
But there’s one thing… this one thing that hasn’t changed a bit, and yet he still hasn’t done a damn thing about it. One person who has never betrayed him, has never lied, and still Steve hasn’t found the courage to just get up and admit how he feels. Well, it has to end. Everything in the world may have turned upside down, but Danny is still a solid rock. And everything he feels about Danny… it hasn’t changed one bit.
He lingers by Danny’s bedroom door for a few seconds, before finally opening it and stepping in.
Danny is laying on his stomach in the middle of the bed, arms curled underneath his pillow. The sheet is down to his waist, and his back rises and falls gently every time he breathes. Steve resists the unbearable urge to reach out and touch the shadow cast on the muscles of Danny’s naked back and shoulders. Instead he settles for sitting down on the edge of the mattress. The dip of the bed is enough to make Danny stir, slowly rolling over onto his back until his hip touches Steve’s thigh.
“Steve?” he mumbles, prying his eyes open.
“I’m sorry,” Steve whispers.
“Why? What’s wrong?” Danny asks, pushing himself up on his elbows as he looks at Steve questioningly.
“I know that with everything that’s going on, I…” Steve stammers, then shakes his head. He swallows hard, trying to work up some courage before he says, “I’m in love with you.”
There’s a silence in the room that draws out for a few seconds, before Danny says, “Oh.”
Steve closes his eyes to drown out the bewildered look on Danny’s face, and then he turns away from Danny, making to get up from the bed. There’s a hand stopping him though, pulling him back down.
“Where are you going?” Danny asks, confused, his hand resting on Steve’s arm.
“It’s okay…” Steve forces himself to smile, forces himself to meet Danny’s eyes.
“You spring this on me when I’m still half asleep,” Danny says, his fingers digging a little deeper in Steve’s skin. “And you don’t give me a second to come to terms with it? To put my thoughts together? God.”
So Steve waits, sits on the edge of the bed and waits as he watches Danny fall back down on the mattress, pinching the bridge of his nose - his fingers still lingering on Steve’s arm.
“Okay,” Danny finally whispers, more to himself than anyone else, and then he’s reaching out his arms and says, “C’mere…”
Danny’s hand settles behind Steve’s neck and pulls, and Steve just sort of folds in two, sinking into Danny’s embrace. Danny’s lips are hovering over Steve’s ear, whispering, “This is what wakes you up after maybe four hours of sleep?”
Steve nods against the crook of Danny’s neck, slipping his arms around Danny’s body, hands pinned between Danny’s skin and the mattress.
“I needed you,” Steve confesses quietly, not entirely sure where all of these words are coming from, but he knows he means each and every one of them.
“You have me,” Danny answers without hesitation, before their lips find each other in a tentative kiss. It’s lazy and sleepy, but there’s a need buried deep inside it.
Steve shifts in the bed, aligning himself perfectly with Danny, sliding his leg in between Danny’s. Danny drops little kisses on his lips, swiping his tongue out every now and then, always answered by Steve. He pulls at Steve’s body, rolling him flat on top of him, hands resting underneath Steve’s ass, pulling him close. Their cocks grind against each other, only separated by Danny’s sweatpants and Steve’s boxers, and Steve can feel the head of Danny’s cock through them all, pressing in the dip of his hip. Before he knows it, he’s building up a rhythm, thrusting down against Danny. Their kisses interrupted by tiny groans and grunts now, until Steve bites Danny’s bottom lip and Danny yelps and bucks up underneath him.
“’s nice…” Steve mutters, his nose buried against Danny’s cheek.
“Yeah?” Danny smiles, breathless, one hand slipping inside Steve’s boxers, cupping his ass.
“I like the noises you make,” Steve smiles back, face rubbing against the early morning stubble on Danny’s chin.
“You haven’t heard nothing yet…” Danny says, pushing up his hips, creating more friction between them.
“Will I get to hear it all?” Steve asks, pulling back so he can look at Danny. It’s meant to come out flippant and light, but it’s anything but.
“All of it,” Danny answers earnestly as he stills.
Steve lets out a shuddering breath, then crushes his lips back against Danny’s, circling his hips down.
Danny clings to him, one hand squeezing Steve’s ass, the other pulling Steve down by his shirt, nearly crushing himself underneath Steve’s weight.
They’re both so high-strung, it doesn’t take long for them to get close to the edge. Steve slips both his legs in between Danny’s, pushing them apart as he pushes down, pressing his boxers-clad cock underneath Danny’s balls and gliding up. Danny twitches underneath him, grunting against Steve’s mouth as he comes, dampening his sweatpants.
Both arms slip around Steve’s neck, pulling him as close as possible as he keeps squirming underneath Steve until Steve comes with a whine, collapsing on top of Danny.
Their breathing is loud, and Danny keeps stroking his hands across Steve’s back until Steve can catch his breath and start pressing kisses behind Danny’s ear. Danny hums contently.
“Thank you…” Steve whispers, closing his eyes and sniffing in the unique scent of Danny.
Danny huffs out a laugh. “You’re thanking me for an orgasm?”
Steve smiles as he pulls back, looking Danny in the eye.
“I’m thanking you for… everything.”
Danny closes his lips over Steve’s and says, “I’m happy to give you… everything.”
Steve kisses back, pulling Danny with him as he rolls to his side, giving Danny some space to breathe.
“Ugh…” Danny crinkles his nose as he reluctantly pulls back a bit, shimmying out of his dirty sweatpants. Steve grins as he takes off his shirt, wiping the last remains off Danny’s body and does the same for himself before throwing his shirt and boxers carelessly to the floor.
“Can we get some more sleep now?” Danny mumbles, settling nicely underneath Steve’s arm, curled over his chest.
Steve simply closes his eyes and tightens his arms around Danny a little bit more.
…
Breakfast is spent with Danny filling Steve in on everything that’s been happening while he was gone. Steve gets the entire story about Chin and Delano, how he had to choose between Malia and Kono, and how it ended with them both in the hospital - thankfully no longer fighting for their lives - and with Delano still at large. Danny also fills him in on what’s happening with Rachel and Stan, planning to move away and threatening to take Grace with them. Steve listens and has to promise Danny three times he won’t go threaten Stan or Rachel, or worse.
“Can I at least help out with a good lawyer?” Steve asks, sipping from his coffee.
“If you know a good one, yes,” Danny nods, “And you can help by… you know, being there for me.”
How Danny actually manages to look nervous after what they shared earlier that morning, Steve doesn’t understand.
“That’s a given, Danny,” Steve says, closing his hand over Danny’s on the table.
Danny leans in to kiss him, brushing the thumb of his free hand over Steve’s jaw.
“You ready?” Danny asks as he finally pulls away, nodding towards the empty plate in front of Steve.
Steve nods and gets up, grabbing Danny’s plate too and placing them in the sink.
“We should get to the hospital,” Steve says, chugging the last of his coffee and placing the cup with the plates. “Don’t want Kono to have to leave alone.”
“I’ll go shower,” Danny nods, and heads for the bathroom.
“I uhm…” Steve says, standing awkwardly in the middle of the little kitchenette.
Danny smiles as he tosses over his shoulder, “What are you waiting for, big guy? If we shower together, we’ll gain time.”
“Yeah…” Steve smiles as he follows Danny into the bathroom, stripping off his clothes. “I’m not so sure about that.”
…
There’s a missed call as they’re getting out of the shower and into their clothes, and Steve shuts his phone off the second he hears the now familiar voice of his mother calling his name.
“What’s that?” Danny asks, noticing the obvious change in Steve’s composure.
“Wrong number,” Steve lies quickly, dropping his phone on the bed as he grabs a clean shirt from his duffel bag.
“But they left a message?” Danny frowns.
Steve shrugs and takes a step closer to Danny, wrapping his arm around his waist as he drops a kiss on Danny’s lips.
“I never thought you’d be so touchy-feely,” Danny smiles, fingers tracing an invisible line on Steve’s chest, planting another kiss on Steve’s mouth.
“Too much?” Steve asks, suddenly on edge about everything, his mother’s voice still ringing through his head.
“You goof,” Danny smiles instead, “I like it!”
And he proves it by pulling Steve in close and kissing him thoroughly. Steve relaxes into the kiss, pushing all thoughts of the phone call out of his mind, addressing his focus fully on Danny, because it seems that Danny is the only one who can clear his head and make him relax.
…
There’s another call as they arrive at the hospital. It’s a private number, but Steve can guess who it is and he hits the ignore button before the second ring.
“Wrong number again?” Danny frowns as Steve pockets his phone.
Steve just attempts a smile and shrugs. “’s nothing.”
“Look, Steve,” Danny says, stopping him in the corridor of Kono’s floor.
“Don’t worry about it,” Steve says quickly, already looking over his shoulder even though he has no idea where Kono’s room is exactly.
“It’s Joe, isn’t it?” Danny asks, and it’s simply too easy for Steve to nod. He doesn’t want to lie, not to Danny. He just can’t handle rehashing the entire story and there’s no way Danny will ever be content with a simple, ‘My mother is still alive, can we please never talk about it again?’ So he nods when Danny thinks it’s Joe, and Danny takes his hand for a second and squeezes reassuringly.
“I don’t want to talk about it,” Steve says, his voice down to a whisper.
“Okay,” Danny mutters.
“It’s just… I don’t wanna see him or hear from him again,” Steve says, jaw clenched.
“Hey, Steve…” Danny says, taking a step closer so he can rest his hand on Steve’s shoulder. “It’s okay.”
Steve swallows, nods. “Okay.”
“Let’s go see Kono, ‘kay?” Danny smiles, sliding his hand over Steve’s shoulder before leading the way up to Kono’s room.
He does a cursory knock before pushing open the door. Kono is sitting on the edge of the bed, bags already next to her. She looks tired and wary, but otherwise okay. She smiles broadly at Danny before saying to Steve, “You are not allowed to leave the country again. Bad things happen when you leave.”
Steve ducks his head and offers a weak smile.
“I’m chaining him to the desk.” Danny smiles, giving Steve a quick wink.
“Are you alright?” Steve asks Kono. She’s paler than usual, dark circles under her eyes, like she hasn’t been sleeping well.
“I doubt I’ll be in the mood for a swim any time soon.” She smiles, but Steve can tell it’s forced.
“I’m sorry.” Steve offers, and then Kono steps closer to him and he automatically closes his arms around her. She seems tiny, all of a sudden.
“I’ll be okay,” Kono murmurs against his shoulder, but her arms tighten around Steve’s waist nonetheless.
After a second or so, she pulls back with a sniff and says, “Alright. You boys ready to bust me out of here, or what?”
“You bet.” Danny smiles reassuringly, grabbing the bag that was ready on the bed.
“Let’s go by Chin and Malia first, yeah?” Kono asks, and the look on Steve’s face must’ve been obvious ‘cause she pats him on the arm and says, “Hey, it wasn’t his fault.”
“I know,” Steve says quickly, “It’s just…”
“He made the right choice,” Kono says, and as small and insecure as she looked just a second ago, she seems quite sure about this, and Steve is glad for it.
Danny babbles as they make their way to Malia’s room, a floor up. He keeps touching Steve’s arm and shoulder, offering a constant reassurance that Steve can definitely use right now. He stops mid-sentence as Kono halts when he brushes his hand over Steve’s and squeezes.
“You’re as stealthy as a bull in a china shop,” Steve deadpans at Danny.
“What’s going on?” Kono asks, her smile widening.
“Steve here has finally come to his senses and made his move.” Danny grins, giving Steve a nudge with his shoulder.
“Oh my God!” Kono shrieks, “That’s awesome. You two? Oh brah… I’m so happy! Who would have thought?”
“You mean besides all those people making married jokes?” Danny asks.
“Well, yeah, but I didn’t think you guys would actually…” Kono trails off, shaking her head as she smiles broadly. “This is amazing, you guys.”
“Yeah…”’ Steve smiles as he looks at Danny, his chest filling with pride and happiness and a ridiculous urge to swoop Danny up in his arms and kiss him.
…
Malia is awake and smiling, her hand firmly placed in Chin’s when they walk in. Chin reaches out his other hand to touch Kono’s, like he wants to make sure she’s still there.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t there,” Steve tells Chin and Malia, and he means it too. Somehow being there to help out his friends - his true Ohana - seems more important to Steve than the other clusterfuck that became his life since he went to Japan.
“You couldn’t have known, Steve,” Chin says, giving him a weak but reassuring smile.
“How are you feeling?” Steve asks Malia.
“Well, I could be dead, so I’m guessing I can’t complain,” she answers, smiling at Steve with tired eyes.
“That seems to be the Five-0 mentality,” Danny jokes, standing at the edge of her bed.
“I fit right in, no?” Malia smiles, and Chin squeezes her hand and leans in to drop a kiss on her forehead.
“Any news on Delano?” Chin asks, eyes flickering between Steve and Danny.
“I just got back during the night,” Steve says apologetic, “Danny filled me in during breakfast, but…”
He looks at Danny for more information.
“Nothing concrete yet, I’m sorry,” Danny says, “HPD is having a big manhunt, but no news so far. But now that Kono’s on her feet again, and Steve’s back…”
“We’re getting right on it.” Steve nods firmly. “He’s not getting away, Chin. I promise.”
Chin nods at Steve, then glances over at Kono like he’s seeking her approval.
“Stop looking at me like that, cuz,” Kono says, wrapping her arm around Chin’s shoulder. “I thought we talked about this?”
“Yeah, but Kono…” Chin starts, shaking his head, “I…”
“The only one who’s blaming you is yourself, Chin,” Kono says firmly, then kisses his temple.
…
The next week is spent in a haze. The hunt for Delano isn’t getting them anywhere, even with Chin dividing his time between the hospital and HQ. Kono is slowly finding her bearings again - even though Steve knows she hasn’t been surfing since it happened - and Steve keeps dodging calls from his mother which is getting harder and harder to hide from Danny.
“That is one hell of a persistent man,” Danny says, walking into the living room as Steve pushes the ignore button on yet another anonymous call.
“Danny…” Steve sighs, but Danny’s already holding his hands up in defense.
“I know, you don’t want to talk about it,” Danny says, and his tone makes it very clear that Danny would like to talk about it.
“He’ll give up eventually,” Steve says, gritting his teeth as the lie slips out a little too easily.
“Maybe if you’d answer him once, you know… bite the bullet?” Danny suggests, almost muttering under his breath.
“Maybe if we just don’t talk about it?” Steve suggests instead, grabbing Danny by the arm and pulling him in close, ducking down for a kiss.
Danny hums against his lips, and Steve can tell he’s got something else to say but Steve effectively cuts him off by parting his lips and capturing Danny in a deep kiss. Steve is already pulling Danny’s shirt free from his pants when Danny breaks the kiss and mumbles, “You’ve got good techniques to shut a man up.” And Steve knows he’s not fooling anyone, but Danny is smiling and pushing his hips against Steve’s and scrambling at Steve’s clothes so he figures he’s at least off the hook for now.
“Just wanna fuck you, Danny,” Steve grins, stealing another kiss as he pushes Danny’s shirt off his shoulders.
“Ever the romantic,” Danny snorts, fingers tracing every inch of skin underneath Steve’s shirt. “And what if I wanna fuck you?”
Steve freezes for a second, staring at Danny. Somehow, they’ve only ever done it with Steve on top, but the thought of Danny inside him makes his stomach do an excited little flip and he’s finding himself out of breath all of a sudden.
“It was just a suggestion…” Danny mutters quietly, obviously taking Steve’s reaction as a rejection.
“No, yes,” Steve rushes out, his breathing ragged. He fumbles at Danny’s belt. “Yes. Want you to.”
Danny’s face lights up in a grin. “Yeah?”
And then Steve is pulling him up the stairs, towards the bedroom. He isn’t quite sure why they’ve never done it this way before, but the thought of Danny filling him, of Danny controlling the rhythm, pushing up inside of him… the thought that Steve could maybe just give in and let Danny call the shots… it seems like bliss to him now.
“Have you ever actually …?” Danny trails off as Steve sprawls out on the bed, Danny covering his entire body.
“No,” Steve admits, fingers trailing over Danny’s jawline.
“Okay,” Danny says softly, his hands mapping out the planes of Steve’s muscles. “It’ll be okay.”
And Steve knows that it will be, because it’s Danny and Danny is the one true thing in his life and it can never not be okay. Danny kisses Steve thoroughly, fumbling with the drawer of the night stand to fish out supplies and then they’re both naked and Danny’s slicked up fingers are finding their way inside Steve and he hisses ‘cause it’s weird and new and stinging a bit, but Danny stretches him out slowly until he’s ready for more.
“You’re so beautiful when you just let go,” Danny says as he drops another kiss on Steve’s lips.
“Only with you…” Steve whispers and then Danny pushes in - slowly, his eyes fixed on Steve’s face.
There’s a kiss, and another one, as Danny bottoms out and starts working up a rhythm, Steve’s arms securely around Danny’s body, his heels digging into the back of Danny’s thighs.
Danny keeps mumbling things as he pushes in deeper and deeper, and Steve just feels full and complete.
…
“You’re being quiet again,” Danny says as he comes up behind Steve, who is seated at his office desk. Danny crosses his arms behind Steve’s neck, leaning on his shoulders.
“Hmm,” Steve mutters, his eyes fixed on the file in front of him.
“Tell me what’s going on, babe,” Danny says, planting a kiss on Steve’s ear, before nuzzling his hair.
“I didn’t hear you come in,” Steve admits absentmindedly.
“Well there’s the first clue that something’s wrong,” Danny says.
“How was your meeting with the lawyer?” Steve asks, closing the file and leaning his head back a little closer to Danny’s.
“Not bad,” Danny says, “He thinks we have a good case. I’m still hoping Rachel will come to her senses before it comes to all this though.”
“Me too,” Steve says with a sigh.
“What’s wrong, Steve?” Danny asks, pulling away from him and parking his butt on the edge of Steve’s desk.
“Nothing,” Steve says quickly. He traces his fingers over the edge of the file on his desk. “We’re still no closer to catching Delano.”
“And…?” Danny urges.
“And the whole custody thing,” Steve sighs, leaning back in his chair to look at Danny. “I don’t want you to lose Grace.”
“I’m not going to,” Danny says determined.
“I don’t want to lose you,” Steve admits, head ducked.
“Is that what this is about?” Danny asks, scooting a little closer, putting his hand on top of Steve’s.
Steve shrugs, refusing to look Danny in the eye.
“You think I’m going to go where Grace goes and that means losing me?” Danny asks, squeezing Steve’s hand.
Steve looks stubbornly at the wall, but doesn’t answer.
“Because that’s not going to happen either, Steve,” Danny says clearly, “First of all, Grace isn’t moving away yet, that’s what this whole court thing is about. And secondly, even if she is… There are other options. There’s planes, and long distance relationships, or we can become ‘Five-0 Las Vegas’, you know?”
Steve can’t help but smile, finally looking at Danny. “Yeah?”
“Nobody’s moving yet, babe,” Danny says reassuringly, leaning in for a kiss. “And either way, you’re not getting rid of me that easily. I’m here to stay.”
“Good,” Steve says, pressing his lips firmly against Danny’s. “Good…”
The door to Steve’s office opens suddenly and Kono rushes in.
“If you two are done being sickeningly cute,” she says, hooking her thumb over her shoulder, “We got a trail on Delano.”
…
Danny’s face is white as a sheet when Steve comes into the kitchen through the lanai, back from his morning swim. He’s staring at the phone - Steve’s phone - in his hand like he doesn’t know what the object is for.
“Danny?” Steve asks, carefully taking a few steps closer.
Danny drops the phone on the table like it’s on fire. He purposefully doesn’t look at Steve, his mouth hanging slightly open, his face blank.
“Danno?” Steve asks again, but Danny puts a hand up as Steve takes another step closer. He almost flinches and pulls back.
“I thought it was Joe again…” Danny starts, his voice low and deliberate, and Steve feels a dread rising in his stomach because he knows where this is going to go, he knows what just happened and pretty soon the walls are going to come crumbling down.
“I thought it was Joe and I wanted to tell him to fuck off, to leave you the hell alone,” Danny says, his voice distant, and he’s still not looking at Steve. “I wanted to…” He snorts humorlessly. “I wanted to help you.”
“Danny…” Steve whispers, but he really doesn’t have anything to follow that.
“How could you not tell me?” Danny asks, finally looking at Steve with red-rimmed eyes.
Steve wills his fingers to stop trembling, wills his heart rate to slow down. Wills himself to find an answer for Danny, but he comes up blank.
“It doesn’t matter,” Steve mumbles, shaking his head.
“It doesn’t matter?” Danny asks incredulous, voice rising. “Your mother is alive, Steve. How can it not matter?”
Steve actually flinches at the words. Like hearing them said out loud somehow makes it more real, makes it more difficult to escape.
“It was all a lie,” Steve spits out, “They all lied to me. I can’t…” He sighs, defeated.
“Just like you lied to me,” Danny says after a beat.
And Steve knows it’s true, knows he has no excuse, but Danny simply doesn’t understand.
“How could you not tell me?” Danny shouts, his voice shrill, bouncing off the walls.
“I wasn’t purposefully keeping it from you…” Steve starts, but Danny cuts him off.
“That’s bullshit,” Danny snaps, “You told me it was Joe. You said Japan was another wild goose chase. We’ve been sleeping together, I’ve been sharing everything with you, and you didn’t even bother to tell me something so unbelievably huge.”
“It doesn’t matter,” Steve says again, raking his fingers through his hair. “I don’t want her in my life. They all kept it from me… my Dad, Joe, all of them.”
“You kept it from me!” Danny yells, smacking his palms flat down on the kitchen table.
“I didn’t want to talk about it!” Steve shouts in his defense.
“Not even with me?” Danny asks loudly, and Steve can see Danny’s heart crumble. “I thought this thing between us, I though it actually meant something.”
“Of course it means something!” Steve pleads, “Danny, it means everything to me!”
“So much that you couldn’t even tell me that you found out that your mother is still alive?” Danny huffs. “We’re supposed to be partners, on all levels, but you couldn’t even tell me this?”
“This has nothing to do with us,” Steve says, taking a few steps closer to Danny, placing his hands on Danny’s shoulders.
“It has everything to do with us,” Danny shakes his head, shrugging off Steve’s touch.
“It doesn’t,” Steve insists, grabbing Danny’s arm.
“I don’t even know what to say to you anymore…” Danny mutters, deflated. He’s staring at the floor and Steve pulls him in, hand finding his way to Danny’s cheek.
“Danny…” he pleads, resting his nose against Danny’s forehead, leaning in to kiss the skin there.
Danny sighs, turning his head away from Steve, but Steve repeats Danny’s name, leaning in to kiss Danny properly. Danny responds, willfully opening his mouth underneath Steve’s. The kiss is desperate, Steve’s way of clinging on, of making everything alright even though it isn’t. He reaches down, fingers curling around Danny’s belt buckle, but Danny breaks the kiss, turns his head away.
“Don’t…” Danny whispers, his voice barely audible.
Steve nuzzles his face against Danny’s neck, trying to get Danny back for a kiss, until Danny shouts, “Don’t!” and pushes Steve away from him.
“Danny…” Steve pleads, trying to get back into Danny’s embrace, but Danny takes a step backwards.
“What?” Danny spits out. “You think you can just fuck me and everything will be alright again?”
“That’s not…” Steve trails off.
“Because it makes you forget?” Danny shouts, his arms clinging around his own body. “Is that what I am to you? An escape route? Someone to make you forget?”
“That is not true and you know it!” Steve says, but Danny is already shaking his head and Steve can feel his eyes stinging, his heart beating in his throat.
“How am I supposed to know what’s true anymore?” Danny asks, eyes red and filled with unshed tears.
“Danny,” Steve says, his jaw clenched, his body shaking.
Danny shakes his head sadly. “This is over, Steve,” he says, and walks out of the kitchen.
Steve can hear the front door close a few seconds later, and he only just makes it to the bathroom in time to throw up.
…
If it wasn’t for the fact that they’ve finally been getting close to catching Delano, Steve isn’t sure Danny would’ve shown up for work the next day. He avoids Steve like his life depends on it, even avoids looking at him.
There’s a lead from an ex-associate of Delano’s that could pay off, and the entire team is huddled around the tech table, but there’s a definite chill in the air and it doesn’t go unnoticed by Chin or Kono.
“What’s going on, you guys?” Kono asks, looking from Steve to Danny.
“Nothing,” Danny says, a little too quickly, then turns to Chin. “How’s Malia?”
“Taking it easy, but glad to be at home,” Chin answers, but he’s frowning at Danny’s avoidance and looks to Steve for answers.
“If we put surveillance on the motel instead of going in hard…” Steve starts, his eyes back on the screens, but Chin interrupts, “How about we make sure this chill between you and Danny doesn’t freeze us all to death before discussing tactics on how to get Delano?”
“He nearly killed Kono and Malia,” Steve snaps, fists clenched.
“Yeah, and don’t I know it?” Chin says, “But if there’s a problem between you two and you can’t work together, we’re all gonna get ourselves killed when we go in.”
“Fine,” Steve says curtly, “You go with Danny then, I’ll take Kono.”
Kono opens her mouth to say something, but is cut off by Steve’s cell phone that starts ringing. He fishes it out of his pocket and pushes ignore just as quickly.
“You just gonna keep ignoring her?” Danny asks, his voice strangled.
“Danny, don’t even start…” Steve puts up a hand in warning.
“You think you can just do this forever?” Danny goes on anyway. “Pretend she doesn’t exist? Pretend this isn’t happening?”
“Danny,” Steve barks, his stomach twisting in a knot.
“You can’t live your life the way you want it to be, Steve,” Danny snaps. “You can’t just ignore the things that you can’t handle and only choose to live the good part.”
“No, we can just give up on the good part altogether, like you did,” Steve counters, ignoring the confused looks from Chin and Kono from across the tech table.
“Right, like I did it to spite you…” Danny snorts humorlessly.
“I don’t know why you did, Danny, because we were good together,” Steve says, his finger up and pointing at Danny.
“You lied to me, Steve!” Danny shouts, “And you’re lying to Chin and Kono, too, for that matter.”
“What?” Kono asks, crossing her arms in front of her.
Steve turns away from them all, gritting his teeth.
“You keep ignoring her calls and she’s going to show up here one day, and everyone will know,” Danny says, taking a few steps closer to Steve but staying out of his personal space. “And you’ll be unprepared.”
“You tell ‘em then,” Steve snaps, rushing towards the exit ‘cause he’s not getting enough air in there. “You seem to have it all figured out anyway.”
…
Steve stares at the phone in his hand like it’s the source of all evil. Like it’s to blame for everything that went wrong, even though he knows it’s the wrong thing to blame. He knows he isn’t exactly innocent in all of this. But how could Danny not understand? How couldn’t he get that Steve’s entire world turned out to be a lie, and that that’s not just something you get over in a few minutes? How could he not understand that everything that is there between the two of them… that it’s real? More real than anything Steve has ever known in his entire life.
The phone rings and he almost pushes the ignore button before he realizes it’s Danny.
“Yeah?” Steve asks, phone to his ear.
“We found Delano at the motel,” Danny says, all business. “We’re going in. If you’re not here in fifteen, we’re doing it without you.”
Steve scrambles to his feet, car keys at the ready.
“I’m there,” he says, “Don’t move without me.”
“Then don’t be late,” Danny answers just before hanging up.
Steve doesn’t count the traffic rules he breaks but he gets there with three minutes to spare. He’s strapping on his vest as the others are already taking position, HPD included.
“You and Kono got the back,” Chin tells him, and the sympathetic look on his face tells him that Danny has told them everything.
“Got it,” Steve says, not in the mood to argue over who’s in control of the raid. “Which room is he in?”
“Two-fifteen,” Chin says, and then they’re all taking positions, ready to go in.
It all happens in a flash. The front door gets kicked in while Steve and Kono guard the back window, there’s shooting and a flash-bang going off, and lots of yelling before he hears Chin shout, “I got him!” over the radio. Steve and Kono jump in through the window to find Delano face-down on the floor. Chin’s knee is pressed in his back and his hand has a firm grip on the handcuffs. The bloody nose on Delano’s face is the least of Steve’s worries.
Steve’s attention is quickly drawn by Danny though, leaning against the door frame, rubbing his eyes.
“Danny…” Steve rushes to his side, eyes scanning Danny’s entire body for injuries. “Are you hurt?”
There’s nothing visible, but Danny’s blinking his eyes and waving Steve off.
“Bastard had a flash-bang,” Danny explains. “I hate those things.”
Steve lets out a sigh of relief as he wraps his arm around Danny’s shoulder and is just about ready to pull him in when he remembers…
“Sorry,” he mutters as he pulls back awkwardly, ducking his head.
“I’m fine,” Danny says, clearing his throat and holstering his gun.
Steve nods, swallows away the lump in his throat as he walks out of the motel room. Danny’s fine. He’s fine. But Steve only wished he could say the same thing about himself.
…
It doesn’t seem entirely fair to do this yet again, but with the way things are going, Steve isn’t entirely sure Danny would even pick up the phone if he called. He sighs but leaves the letter on Danny’s desk anyway.
“You ready?”
Steve turns around and looks at his sister. He takes a deep breath. She looks about as nervous as he does, but she’s here, and that’s not nothing.
“Ask me that again when we’re in Japan…” Steve says, and Mary shoots him a look.
“Ready as I’ll ever be, I guess,” he says. “Let’s go.”
Mary nods and follows him out the door.
The ride to the airport is mainly quiet. During the flight, Steve puts his hand over Mary’s, stopping her from fidgeting.
“It’ll be fine,” Steve says, not sure if he believes it himself.
“What does she look like?” Mary asks suddenly, and it takes him by surprise.
“Uhm… I don’t know, like our mother.” Steve shrugs, taking his hand back.
“Genius.” Mary rolls her eyes.
“What do you want me to say, Mar?” Steve asks. “She’s our mother. Just… older.”
“Did you recognize her right away?” Mary asks.
Steve nods, seeing that moment in his mind over and over again, when he opened the door and saw her standing there.
“I don’t even know what to say to her,” Mary admits, leaning her head against the headrest.
“Me neither.” Steve sighs.
“Then why are we even going, Steve?” Mary turns a little in her seat to face him. “This was your idea, you convinced me. Why are we doing this?”
“She’s our mother, Mary,” Steve frowns. “We can’t ignore this forever.”
“But why?” Mary asks, and suddenly Steve can see that petulant child again, always fighting him on everything.
“Because,” Steve snaps, and isn’t that just the lamest thing he’s ever said?
“Because Danny said so?” Mary says, drawing out Danny’s name.
Steve rubs his fingers over his eyes, turning to look out the window. There’s a vast ocean beneath them, hidden behind a tiny sheet of clouds.
“I have to do this, Mary,” Steve says eventually. “I love him, and he thinks I was only using him to forget. To distract me or something.”
“And this will fix things between the two of you?” Mary asks, entwining her fingers with Steve’s, on the armrest between them.
“Probably not…” Steve says, defeated. He looks at Mary. “But either way, he’s right. We can’t keep running.”
Mary nods, gripping his fingers a little tighter. So Steve holds on and nods back, closing his eyes for a second.
“I really do hope you can work it out with Danny though,” Mary whispers, leaning her head against Steve’s shoulder.
He leans back against her and swallows away the lump in his throat.
…
It isn’t a big surprise to Steve that it’s Mary who breaks first, and as he’s seeing his mother’s arms around her, both of them sobbing against each other’s shoulder, Steve has to blink away the sting in his eyes. He wants it too, and yet he doesn’t. He wants to yell some more, wants to blame her for everything that’s happened since he was sixteen years old, wants to blame her for the way he turned out, for Danny breaking up with him - because that was her fault too, dammit.
So he doesn’t accept the embrace that she tries to offer after Mary is finally done sobbing, but he accepts the cup of tea she makes him, and the talk to go along with it.
Her voice is just the way he remembered. A bit more hoarse, maybe, but still soft and soothing.
“Joe has kept me updated on you two,” she smiles at Mary, who returns it, and then at Steve.
“I wish I could say the same,” Steve says calmly, but curtly.
“You have to understand, Steve,” his mother tells him, not for the first time, “We couldn’t. It was too dangerous.”
Steve nods, brings the cup of tea to his lips as he sips at it. He’s not sure arguing over the same thing over and over again will get them anywhere, so he doesn’t counter what she says. She knows the way he feels, anyway. He made it abundantly clear the last time he was here, right before storming off.
“I never meant for your lives to become so difficult,” his mother says, “You have to believe that.”
“You couldn’t honestly have expected it to be easy, could you?” Steve frowns as he cradles the cup in his hands.
“None of this was easy, Steve,” she says, “For any of us. But we did it to protect you. To make sure you would both still be alive.”
“I can protect myself, protect Mary,” Steve argues, but his mother cuts him off.
“Not at sixteen, Steve.”
Steve sighs, puts the cup down on the table. Mary reaches out her hand and squeezes his as he gets up to start pacing around the room.
“From where you are standing now,” his mother starts, “You may never agree with me. But you’re not looking at it as parents of two teenage children. Everything your father and I did was to protect you. Everything we did was because we loved you. And if you ever have children, maybe you’ll understand why we did what we did.”
For a split second, Grace’s face pops into Steve’s mind and he closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. Would Danny have acted the same way? Would Steve, if he’d actually gotten the chance to become another father figure for Grace? If he hadn’t messed it all up?
He thinks of what Danny would do, the lengths he would go to keep Grace safe, and the answer is quite easy… anything. And if Steve is completely honest with himself, it’s probably exactly what Steve would do for Danny and Grace as well.
He can almost hear Danny’s voice in his head, going ‘And you couldn’t even be honest with me?’
When he sighs and turns back around, his mother is standing in front of him.
“Steve, I don’t expect us to be the way we were again, as if the last twenty years didn’t happen,” she says, bringing up her hands but stopping short of touching him.
Steve nods, jaw clenched.
“All I ask is that you try and give us a chance to get to know each other,” she says, still holding her hands out as an invitation. Steve can tell they’re shaking slightly. Her face is open and Steve can see the fear in her eyes, and he realizes it’s not fear for her safety, but fear of his rejection.
He looks over at Mary, who’s chewing her fingernails like she’s got a personal vendetta against them. But she’s looking back and nods slightly.
The “okay” that leaves his mouth is croaked and barely audible, but his mother’s face cracks open in a smile as he lets his hands slip inside hers.
Baby steps, he thinks, and then, maybe this is possible anyway.
…
It would be ridiculous if he wasn’t so damn nervous, but here he is again, back from Japan and standing in front of Danny’s door. It’s dark out, but the soft muttering of the TV and the lights that he can see through the curtains tell Steve that Danny is still awake. And yet he can’t quite bring himself to knock. What if it’s all too late? Sure, he finally confronted things, but that doesn’t take away the fact that he didn’t let Danny in. That he kept it a secret from him. What if Danny is never able to forgive him?
Steve sighs and blinks away the sting in his eyes. Then there’s a hand on his shoulder and when he looks over, Mary gives him an encouraging smile. Steve nods and finally knocks.
The seconds it takes Danny to open the door seem more like decades, and then he’s standing there, hand still on the door like he’s thinking of closing it in Steve’s face.
“Danny…” Steve says, taking a deep breath. “I’d like you to meet my mother, Doris.”
Danny’s eyes go wide as they look past Steve, to Mary, then at Steve’s mother who’s standing a little to the side.
Danny opens his mouth but no sound comes out and so Doris takes a step forward, reaching out her hand.
“It’s nice to meet you, Danny,” she says.
Danny snaps out of it quite quickly, shaking her hand firmly.
“It’s uhm, it’s nice to meet you, too,” he says, looking from Doris to Steve, like he can’t believe she’s actually standing there.
Steve just shrugs nervously, hands shoved deep inside his pockets.
“Come in,” Danny says, waving them all in.
His mother steps inside the small living room, followed by Mary, who nods hello. Danny blocks Steve by the door, looking at him questioningly.
“I uhm… I went to Japan,” Steve says.
“Yeah, I figured,” Danny all but snorts, throwing a look over his shoulder at Doris and Mary, who are whispering to each other by the couch. “I got your letter.”
“Yeah, well…” Steve shrugs. “You told me I couldn’t ignore it forever.”
“Who knew you’d actually listen,” Danny mutters, and he seems genuinely surprised.
“I listen, Danny,” Steve says, head ducked close to Danny’s. “You have no idea how much what you say means to me.”
“Just…” Danny holds up his hand, close to Steve’s chest. “Let’s not do this now, alright?”
Steve nods reluctantly, takes a deep breath and turns towards his mother and sister.
“Believe it or not, this place is an improvement over the last apartment he had,” Steve says, plastering on a smile.
“I think it’s lovely,” his mother says politely, looking around the room. Her eyes fall on a framed picture of Grace on the wall. “Is this your little girl, Danny?”
“Yeah,” Danny smiles, his face lighting up a bit. “That’s Grace. She’s nine now.”
“She’s beautiful.” Doris smiles, and Steve isn’t quite sure why he feels a surge of pride rising up inside of him.
“She is, right?” Danny smiles back. “And she doesn’t mind my apartment at all.” Danny throws Steve a look and Steve actually manages a real smile.
“How is she liking Hawaii?” Doris asks, her finger sliding over the edge of the frame. She seems genuinely interested.
“I’m hoping better than her father,” Mary jokes, nudging Steve in the ribs with her elbow. Steve grins back.
“She does,” Danny says, “She doesn’t even mind all the pineapple, the crazy girl. And there’s a pool at her mother’s place, and the beach pretty much everywhere else. It’s heaven for a kid who likes to swim.”
“Is she surfing yet?” Doris asks.
“She’s been begging Steve to teach her,” Danny says, looking over at Steve. “But I’m not sure yet.”
“Mary and Steve were so good at surfing when they were kids,” Doris smiles, looking over at her children.
“I was nowhere near as good as Steve, Mom,” Mary says, and Steve’s stomach pinches a bit at the sound of the word “Mom.” He doesn’t think they’ve actually called her that since she’s been back and it sounds foreign to Steve somehow.
“I’m still a bit iffy letting my daughter near waves that could swallow her whole,” Danny admits.
“He likes to exaggerate,” Steve tells his mother, like Danny isn’t standing right there in front of him.
“He likes to laugh in the face of danger,” Danny counters, eyes fixed on Steve.
“Sometimes you need to take a little bit of a risk to experience the good things, Danny,” Steve says, locking gazes with Danny and he’s pretty sure they’re not talking about surfing anymore.
“Yeah, and then you take that risk and you end up getting hurt after all,” Danny says, his face visibly shutting down in front of Steve and it breaks Steve’s heart all over again.
“Danny, I never…” Steve says, taking a step closer but Danny quickly spins away and sighs, “Steve, I am not doing this now, not in front of your sister and your mother, alright?”
“Danny, please, you have to hear me out,” Steve pleads, ignoring the looks on his mother and Mary’s faces, ignoring Danny’s words. Because that look on Danny’s face… he is the one that caused that look, that caused all the hurt, and he can’t just let it go.
“For fuck’s sake!” Danny snaps.
“I love you, alright?” Steve all but shouts, “And I went to Japan and I brought her here and I did what you said and… and I just love you.”
Danny deflates, burying his face in his hands as he groans. His fingers are trembling as he slides them over his face.
There’s a silence in the room, and then Mary’s whispering something in their mother’s ear, and she nods, then steps up to Danny.
“It was really nice to meet you, Danny. And I hope to see you again. But I think Mary and I should leave you two to talk for a bit now,” she says, placing her hand on Danny’s arm for a second.
Danny hugs his arms around his own chest. He looks like he wants to say something but the words seem to get stuck in his throat, so he settles for nodding.
While Mary’s throwing her arms around Danny, Doris steps up to Steve and as she puts a hand against the back of Steve’s neck, Steve’s leaning down before he knows he’s doing it. She gives him a soft kiss on the cheek and he has to swallow away the emotion that rises up in his throat.
“It’ll be fine,” she whispers, and she doesn’t even know Danny but Steve nods anyway and before he knows it, Mary and Doris are out the door and Danny still hasn’t said a word.
Steve takes a deep breath, pinches the bridge of his nose before saying, “I know I’m doing this all wrong. It’s just… I want to fix this and I have no idea how.”
“And saying you love me will do the trick?” Danny asks, frowning.
“I’m not just saying things,” Steve says, because how can Danny not know this? “I do love you. And I messed up, I know I did. I was wrong to keep it from you, but I just couldn’t handle it. I couldn’t deal with it myself, so I just pretended it wasn’t happening.”
“Did you ever stop to think that maybe we could’ve handled it together?” Danny asks, softly.
“I’ve never…” Steve shakes his head. “I don’t have people that share my burden with me, Danny. I’ve never had that.”
“You could have that with me,” Danny says, more firmly now. Like he’s insulted Steve never even gave him the chance. And Steve knows he was wrong, God, does he know it.
“Could have?” Steve asks, and he can’t help that hint of hopefulness in his voice, “Or could have had?”
Danny sighs, biting his bottom lip like he isn’t quite sure what the answer to that is yet.
“I don’t want to be someone that’s just there to help you escape from things when they get rough,” Danny says, “I don’t want to be a means to that end.”
“That was never what it was about, Danny,” Steve counters, unable to stop himself from grabbing Danny’s upper arms and locking eyes with him. “You made me feel happy, complete. When I was with you, I could breathe. You made me…”
“Forget?” Danny quirks an eyebrow.
“No!” Steve says firmly, but he stops himself from shaking Danny by the arms. “I didn’t use you, Danny. I would never… You were the one that made me accept it, that made me go to Japan and confront her. And now I still want you. I still love you.”
Danny closes his eyes, worry lines crinkling around his face as he lets his head fall forward and rest against Steve’s chest. Steve resists the urge to slide his arms around Danny’s frame, keeping his hands steady on Danny’s arms instead as he asks, “What does this mean?”
“Just give me a minute…” Danny whispers, sniffling into Steve’s shirt.
“Okay…” Steve whispers back, closing his eyes and trying to keep his breath steady against the pressure of Danny’s forehead against his chest.
He’s not entirely sure how long they stand there, not moving, not making a sound, until Danny mutters, “I love you too, you know,” and lifts his head with a weak smile.
Steve’s heart is pounding in his chest, and he’s pretty sure it’s audible all the way through the flimsy walls in Danny’s apartment. He tries to loosen the death grip he has on Danny’s arms as he asks again, “So what does this mean?”
“It means…” Danny says, blinking his eyes a few times. “It means, ‘could have’, not ‘could have had’…”
And Danny smiles just as Steve lets out an enormous breath of relief, clinging his arms around Danny now, pulling him in.
“I want to tell you everything, Danny…” Steve mutters, burying his face in Danny’s hair.
“I know, babe,” Danny nods, tilting his head up to catch Steve’s lips.
The kiss is desperate, and a little bit too hard, but Danny’s arms hook around Steve’s neck and their bodies are plastered together and Danny loves him, which makes it basically perfect.
“C’mon,” Danny mutters against Steve’s lips. He’s pushing Steve towards the bedroom, fingers pulling at Steve’s shirt. Steve lifts his arms dutifully, and the shirt hits the floor before they even make it to the bed.
“I don’t wanna rush you,” Steve says, and it feels so stupid because Danny is already working his belt buckle but he’s just so damn scared of messing things up again.
“Unless you don’t want to,” Danny says, stripping off his own shirt and nipping at Steve’s neck while he does it, “I am going to fuck you now, alright?”
Steve just grunts, the words having a direct line to his cock, and he’s toeing off his shoes and socks before falling down on the bed with Danny in a heap of tangled limbs.
“That’s a yes then?” Danny asks, already breathless.
“Want you,” Steve mumbles, almost ripping off the button on Danny’s pants. “Always want you.”
“You have me,” Danny says, and then his lips are sloppy against Steve’s again, and he’s pushing up his hips underneath Steve’s.
Steve squeezes his eyes shut, buries his face in the crook of Danny’s neck and he bites back a sob, fingers gripping at Danny’s naked skin, because they’ve been here before. Danny has promised him this before, and Steve found a way to screw it up anyway.
“Hey…” Danny says, his voice suddenly soft as he stills against Steve. “What’s wrong?”
Steve shakes his head and crushes his lips against Danny’s - he doesn’t want to be so damn needy - but Danny pulls back, hand on Steve’s jaw, keeping him just far enough so he can look Steve in the face.
“I had you before…” Steve croaks, reluctantly.
Danny swallows, hard. He licks his lips before saying, “Yeah, well, we’re both gonna be smarter this time around, alright?”
Steve nods, because he wants it, dammit. He wants to believe Danny when he says this, and he’s almost surprised to find that he does.
“This is it, okay?” Danny says, dropping little kisses on Steve’s cheek, his nose, his jaw. “We know better now. And you have me, always.”
“Always,” Steve repeats, the words but a puff of air leaving his mouth before Danny covers it with his.
And then Steve is being pushed back on the mattress, and Danny is draped over him and Steve knows that it’s true. This is it. And there’s no way he’s ever letting go again.