i started painting again
i can feel everything slipping thru my fingers.. im always so angry..
i think mostly it stems from everyone being annoyed or angry at me.
they say its because im too needy.
if i felt like they were going to stay by my side i wouldnt care so much.
if you love someone wuldnt you want them to be happy?
wouldnt you just wake up some days and think to your self.."how can i make this person smile today"
nothing is trivial.
i want to scream. love doesnt just fix everything. it doesnt make life easier.
all ive ever wanted was for someone to care equally for me as i do for them.. i thought.. maybe for a little while that i had that, but its fleeting. the good only lasts so long. and then you spend the entirety of your relationship trying to get back to that one singular moment when nothing was wrong and you were actaually so happy that you felt like you could fly.
i just wish i was special enough to not be pushed aside.. that i took priority in someones lif ethe way they do mine.
but thats not always fair i still ask them to do things that make them annoyed or uncomfortable.. i suppose what i really want is for them to do these things becuase they want to.
i feel like that hand that was holding me up just spread its fingers and im falling thru. i have no one to catch me but myself.
maybe i need this.. maybe i need to take care of myself for once and no one else.. but i dont think this is what everyone really wants. im not good on my own.. not just phisically.. i turn into a different person.. a less compasionate caring person. i think those two characteristics are part of what make me me.
i dont like the angry resentful side of me and i try my damndest to keep it at bay.
it may be true that misery loves company .. i dont want to be like that. liek i stated earlier.. i like for people to feel the same for me as i do for them.. if im angry all the time whats to say that i dont want them to be too.
its not fair really. i suppose im being punished for something.. though im not really sure whats left.
"the road to hell is paved with good intentions" heh
i am in love with my disalusionment. i dont need to know how things really work.. im very happy being blind. i wish i wasnt as smart as i am.. itd be so much easier to slide thru life.
i always wonder how far ive let myself get.. what reals and what ive made up. if these peopel really feel this way or if im just kidding myself.
i think too much.
im so cold.
i think mostly it stems from everyone being annoyed or angry at me.
they say its because im too needy.
if i felt like they were going to stay by my side i wouldnt care so much.
if you love someone wuldnt you want them to be happy?
wouldnt you just wake up some days and think to your self.."how can i make this person smile today"
nothing is trivial.
i want to scream. love doesnt just fix everything. it doesnt make life easier.
all ive ever wanted was for someone to care equally for me as i do for them.. i thought.. maybe for a little while that i had that, but its fleeting. the good only lasts so long. and then you spend the entirety of your relationship trying to get back to that one singular moment when nothing was wrong and you were actaually so happy that you felt like you could fly.
i just wish i was special enough to not be pushed aside.. that i took priority in someones lif ethe way they do mine.
but thats not always fair i still ask them to do things that make them annoyed or uncomfortable.. i suppose what i really want is for them to do these things becuase they want to.
i feel like that hand that was holding me up just spread its fingers and im falling thru. i have no one to catch me but myself.
maybe i need this.. maybe i need to take care of myself for once and no one else.. but i dont think this is what everyone really wants. im not good on my own.. not just phisically.. i turn into a different person.. a less compasionate caring person. i think those two characteristics are part of what make me me.
i dont like the angry resentful side of me and i try my damndest to keep it at bay.
it may be true that misery loves company .. i dont want to be like that. liek i stated earlier.. i like for people to feel the same for me as i do for them.. if im angry all the time whats to say that i dont want them to be too.
its not fair really. i suppose im being punished for something.. though im not really sure whats left.
"the road to hell is paved with good intentions" heh
i am in love with my disalusionment. i dont need to know how things really work.. im very happy being blind. i wish i wasnt as smart as i am.. itd be so much easier to slide thru life.
i always wonder how far ive let myself get.. what reals and what ive made up. if these peopel really feel this way or if im just kidding myself.
i think too much.
im so cold.