I Always End Up In Some Sort Of Conflict...
I am very torn over a very delicate issue.
and i need a place to braintstorm on paper, sort of, my mind cant decide what I want, logic never comes through.
I am killing myself trying to continue this relationship.
I am getting nothing out of it, and am mentally and physically at the point of exhaustion trying keep her happy.
She told me she couldn't go on living without me... I should have broken it off then and there, but I made the wrong decision.
the one time I wasnt SUPPOSED to be loving and compassionate, I was.
11 months of going out and its a constant struggle to make her happy, make sure she isnt depressed, an uphill battle that is actually taking a toll on my physical body, and my sleep patterns.
as someone told me before... there is no easy way to break up with somebody. I was hoping she was wrong about that. I couldn't stand the thought of her hurting herself if I broke up with her, but I can't keep torturing myself like this just to ensure she doesn't go off the deep end... I want my life back, I want to be able to go out somewhere and not have to describe in detail where I was for fear of losing her trust.
I was late from school coming home and she wanted to know "where I was all that time"
its ridiculous.
But theres that nagging feeling of guilt, I'm no saint myself... and it always comes back to that... I lied, I broke the rules, maybe I deserve this.
I really think its time to own up to my self ordained douchebag, dickhead, heartless, cold, calculating... I can't run my life by the rules of her emotions, her mood swings, her threats against herself for my actions, what happens happens, and I can't get crazy about it again, not now.
I have too much going right in my life to have another breakdown.
she's coming over today around 2, but I dont know how to break it to her... can I even, logistically how is it possible to let her down easy at my house... then what... inform my mom to take her home? and not at her house, I've walked home from there before... its a hellish commute on foot... and I doubt her mom would drive me after that.
I told myself I would never do it, I wouldn't use AIM, and I know I can't, I still won't, but if I call she'll know somethings up, we never talk on the phone, EVER.
I'm getting all worked up again, I need time to think, but she's going to be here in about an hour and a half.
I guess not today, but the longer I lie and the longer she thinks I still love her like she loves me, the worse it will be.
I can't be the bad guy AND comfort her, but i always seem to know what to say, no one can save her from herself like I can it seems, and by taking myself out of the equation... I honestly dont know what will happen.
I have to, but I can't. I have to.
and i need a place to braintstorm on paper, sort of, my mind cant decide what I want, logic never comes through.
I am killing myself trying to continue this relationship.
I am getting nothing out of it, and am mentally and physically at the point of exhaustion trying keep her happy.
She told me she couldn't go on living without me... I should have broken it off then and there, but I made the wrong decision.
the one time I wasnt SUPPOSED to be loving and compassionate, I was.
11 months of going out and its a constant struggle to make her happy, make sure she isnt depressed, an uphill battle that is actually taking a toll on my physical body, and my sleep patterns.
as someone told me before... there is no easy way to break up with somebody. I was hoping she was wrong about that. I couldn't stand the thought of her hurting herself if I broke up with her, but I can't keep torturing myself like this just to ensure she doesn't go off the deep end... I want my life back, I want to be able to go out somewhere and not have to describe in detail where I was for fear of losing her trust.
I was late from school coming home and she wanted to know "where I was all that time"
its ridiculous.
But theres that nagging feeling of guilt, I'm no saint myself... and it always comes back to that... I lied, I broke the rules, maybe I deserve this.
I really think its time to own up to my self ordained douchebag, dickhead, heartless, cold, calculating... I can't run my life by the rules of her emotions, her mood swings, her threats against herself for my actions, what happens happens, and I can't get crazy about it again, not now.
I have too much going right in my life to have another breakdown.
she's coming over today around 2, but I dont know how to break it to her... can I even, logistically how is it possible to let her down easy at my house... then what... inform my mom to take her home? and not at her house, I've walked home from there before... its a hellish commute on foot... and I doubt her mom would drive me after that.
I told myself I would never do it, I wouldn't use AIM, and I know I can't, I still won't, but if I call she'll know somethings up, we never talk on the phone, EVER.
I'm getting all worked up again, I need time to think, but she's going to be here in about an hour and a half.
I guess not today, but the longer I lie and the longer she thinks I still love her like she loves me, the worse it will be.
I can't be the bad guy AND comfort her, but i always seem to know what to say, no one can save her from herself like I can it seems, and by taking myself out of the equation... I honestly dont know what will happen.
I have to, but I can't. I have to.