you really don't have to read this, it's just a huge rant
So... This is just for myself really, I just need to talk.
Here's the thing, Anna is my ex girlfriend for about a little under 2 months now. A few days ago woulda been 8 months together, so yeah, we broke up right around our 6 month. I don't remember the day we broke up, but I think it was a Tuesday. Maybe a Monday, I don't really remember nor care to remember.
Now, the first two months we dated were full of puppy love and it was pretty much the coolest thing ever, because even though we had never met, I knew I really liked her. I got to get out of school in the afternoon and call her, and she actually listened to me when I had something to say, weither it be a complaint or anything of the like, she really really listened. So I figured she really liked me, too. If you know me... you know I have a short temper and a lot of things piss me off, so she did a lot of listening, she had to like me for that. I tried to do the same for her but unfortunately I'm a lot better talker than I am a listener, but I think I did a good job overall regardless, just I wasn't as good at cheering her up as she was at cheering me up.
Come June, I was on leave, and she was in Indiana to meet me and spend time with me, because... we hadn't met yet and her friend from college lives in the same town as me. Side story... We "met" because of Sarah Shoup, my best friend, Dave's, wife. So Anna came to Indiana to see Sarah and I. It was awesome, we had a fight, and it sucked, but in all it was a really good time, and I think the fight at least helped me realize something about her, and I hope she ultimately gained something out of it, but anyone who's been in a serious relationship knows you don't really want to bring up an old fight, because usually you end up fighting again, so I've never asked. We spent the majority of nights together, and A LOT of time during the day together. We'd already said that we loved eachother, and the time we spent together really made it set in stone, no questions asked. Like... before June I said that I loved her, and I meant it, but when I got to hold her and everything I really knew that I loved her and I was going to try and make things work. We talked about getting married, she looked at rings, she showed me one. I was jewelry dumb and didn't buy it, cuz I thought it was all one payment, and I just really didn't know what was going on with all that. I still think about what would have happened if I would have gotten it. Would things be different? Would we still be together or would I just be carrying a ring around? If we were still together would things have gotten better?
June 9th is the day I think she went back to Colorado, I think it was June 11th that I headed back to SC. Things were still good afterwards but it started to change. There wasn't a fantasy "meeting" that we were going to have anymore. We'd already met and really it just ended up being a longing, to go back to how it was a few weeks ago. It was hard, not going to bed with her in my arms anymore, not getting any kisses or hugs. I really enjoyed the morning phone calls I got from her, and how every day after school I could call her and I knew I could always get a hold of her, but it's just not the same as it was hearing her voice and watching it come from her lips. I missed it, and it started to cause problems. It didn't make me feel as good when I got to talk to her on the phone as it had before June, because even though her talking to me about my day still had the same effect, I brought myself down with feelings of self pitty, cuz she wasn't around anymore. I got myself worked up about things in her past that were not my business nor did they matter, and I didn't realize that they didn't matter then. I compared myself and her experiences with me to what I thought were the people she knew or the experiences she'd had with other people, and it killed me. I fucked myself up stressing over her. I really didn't hide it, but I did subside how much came out. But really it didn't matter, and the relationship began to crumble. We both tried to make it work, and it did, but it wasn't what it was before, and I don't know if it really ever could have been. Eventually the shields go down, so you're more vulnerable, and eventually you become comfortable with a person, and you don't always think of the "nice" way of saying or doing something, because you don't worry so much about them leaving you since it's become an established relationship that won't end because of something stupid, and so pursues the more painful love.
Now I know, there's always those sayings like "the right person won't give you a reason to cry" now I say bullshit. Anything worth having is worth working for, and in a relationship work means hard times, and that's just a belief I've always had, unfortunately it was too much work. Anna was getting ready to leave for basic and those last couple weeks things were very odd to me. I had already put a barrier back up, afraid she'd be leaving me before she left, while she was at boot camp through a letter, or on her first day of liberty weekend. I was scared, and I let it get the best of me. But on the other side of the token, things didn't seem to be causing us to fight as much, now I don't know how she felt at all going into this, but I felt kind of good when she was leaving, not because she was leaving, but because we hadn't faught. I was going to write her letters, and it seemed like things were okay, but I think the reason we weren't fighting is because I was already pushing her away. I don't know why, but I was. She was the love of my life and I knew this but yet I pushed her away from fear.
So she went to boot camp, and I wrote her a letter nearly everyday. 6 out of every 7 days, generally combining like saturday and sunday since I wasn't sending a letter out anyway, but I did it. I ran out of things to say like day 3, and I tried to tell her how things were going. I told her I loved her and I was proud of her, but I really didn't know what to write, so I asked other people what they liked to hear when they were in boot camp and the general idea, which i also agreed with was, hearing i love you and i miss you and i'm proud of you gets lame after a while. Even though it's always nice to hear, it really just doesn't bring you happiness. The exciting things to get letters about were things that were happening. So seeing as how we didn't have any of the same friends minus the shoups, and I don't keep much in contact with them, I dind't have shit to say. So my letters were just that, shit. She didn't seem to enjoy them after a while, and my dumb ass never figured to just ask her how she was doing. She wrote me letters about what was going on, and I figured by the time she wrote me at letter telling me what's going on, I write her a letter, send it the following day, she gets it, and she gets a chance to respond, it's already been a week since the event I'm asking about, and by the time I find out how it was, it's been 2 weeks since it happened, so I didn't ask. I didn't ask her how she was because she told me her general mood when I got letters, she told me that things that were making her upset, but I still should have asked, because she thought I didn't care, and I understand that. When she called I didn't know what to say because I was just happy to hear her voice, so ultimately I fucked up some more. I didn't know how she was feeling, but eventually I came to find out that she felt like I didn't want to talk to her. I knew I wasn't saying much, but I dind't know what to say either. So her letters came back, fewer words and fewer nights spent in the rack writing me, with more bitter words, and it made it harder for me to write her back also. I didn't want to get upset at her through a letter, and I figured it was just bootcamp stressing her out, I didn't know it was really my letters, so in the end we just kind of created a cycle of making eachother feel like shit and making it harder and harder to write eachother. Thursdays were the day I got letters from her and at first I couldn't wait for thursdays, but then thursday became the day I was able to read her letter and find out if it was the week she was breaking up with me, or find out what seemingly ridiculous thing she was upset with me over now. The things that I'm really not going to forget is when she got upset because I wrote her to tell her I probably wasn't going to be able to make it to see her on her liberty weekend, which meant I wasn't going to meet her family, and most importantly, at least in my mind, her father. This goes back to the whole marriage thing. We both decided we shouldn't get married until I got to at least meet her father and ask him if I could marry her. Our ideas were clearly re-enforced when she told her dad about the Shoup's story. There was also the fact that I may not be staying in SC for prototype, which meant I wouldn't be able to go to GA to her brother's house for Christmas to see her... I thought my chances were near 100% due to my GPA in school, but then I found out how the system really worked, and my GPA became a hindrance instead of a boost towards my goal. She got upset because of the way I told her through a letter, but I didn't know how else to say it. I wanted her to know because it affected us both equally, and I thought about just telling her once she got out, instead of just telling her when she was in basic, to try and not stress her out, but it was really bothering me that my 2 chances to see her were possibly gone, so I didn't keep it to myself, and in the end it just all added up.
Eventually 9 weeks went buy and then she was on liberty weekend. Which was just piss poor and horrible. I felt like I barely got to talk to her, because the most we ever talked in the first 2 days was 10 minutes at a time and no more than 45 minutes in a day, and so Saturday night I told her I was upset about it. Sunday she called me in the morning, and thus was the last time I heard her voice for about 5 days. We didn't talk again until that thursday when I was at my friend Shea's house for a grill out with some of the boys and she called.
She was ready to break up with me, and I was ready for it to happen, but I didn't want it to. So... I took advantage of something she said to bring it up and eventually talk her out of wanting to break up with me, she told me how she was ready to do it, and I knew she was, and we talked. It was a lot of things she was upset about and I listened. I told her I would change the things that I was doing that upset her, and I meant it. This is the first time she told me that she didn't love me, and it sucked. I really wanted to just go back to the barracks and get pissed off at everything that moved, but I tried to stay chill. I did with her, and I agreed not to tell her I loved her until she thought she meant it if she was to say it back, because I wanted her to say it because she meant it, not because she felt like she had to. It sucked, a lot. About a week later we were talking, and she was upset and she was about to break up with me, trying to blame herself for how I felt being away from her, and I talked her out of it again... I had to tell her that the way I felt was due to me, and that if I didn't want to deal with the way I felt that I wouldn't be with her, but it's not her fault. I guess she was really just scared to hurt me, and I'm not new to the whole being hurt by girls thing and I really wasn't going to let her leave me based on her hurting me. She even told me that it wasn't a matter if she might, but when she will, and I still didn't want to break up, because I really thought that no matter what happened maybe her and I could make it. I told her I loved her and she told me that she loved me, too.
Well, again about a week later some of the same stuff started to happen, this time I wasn't in the mood for it and I told her to figure out what she wanted, because she told me again that she didn't love me, and I had been going through hell, not only due to her, but due to what I kept causing myself emotionally, over all of it. It was a lot for me to handle and I didn't know how to do it. Well, she didn't know what she wanted, so I broke up with her, because I knew that we couldn't make it if we both didn't work at it, and when she couldn't tell me if she wanted to be with me, I just figured she wasn't going to be willing to work with me to make it work.
Yeah, I broke up with her.
Now we're in the most complicated relationship I've ever heard of. We still talk like we're in a relationship, I tell her I love her, she tells me she loves me. We talk about how much we miss eachother, and about who's a better pirate. I mean... to me it really seems like we've both just grown up a lot and we're back to more puppy love, we've hurt eachother and we don't want to do it again, even though we're still able to hurt eachother just as bad. I feel like she's working to be honest with me, which is a big thing in my opinion. I really don't think she's ever lied to me, but she doesn't always like to talk to me about things that happen or how she's feeling. We've talked about getting back together, and I'm waiting hoping it will happen, but we ultimately decided that we both need to know it's what we wanted before we went into anything. I was heading home soon and she's going to be heading back to CO soon and I just kind of figured that if she went home and still felt like she wanted to be with me that we could safely say she wants to be with me. I already knew I wanted to be with her... it really wasn't about questioning myself. So I think that's been the deal for about a month now. I think January 7th or so she'll be back on base and hopefully she'll have a decision. If not I'll just continue to wait, but honestly, it sucks. I've been home on leave for 2 weeks and anything I do with a girl makes me feel like i'm cheating on her. I question myself before I even go to hang out with a girl, and I shouldn't, but I do. I'm still completely in love with her. We talked about that and she feels the same way. She had kissed some guy and even told me that she felt like shit after... The honesty was nice but I really wish she wouldn't have kissed someone, but I thought... at least she felt bad, she feels the same ways as me, that's good... right? Not necessarily, she even told me she didn't know if that made her decision harder or easier to make... Then, some days I really feel like things are going good and come January we'll be back together, but other days we don't talk much. Like this last weekend she went out to dinner and a movie and said she'd be back kind of late, and I told her to call anyway and she didn't, so I sent her a text saying good night and that's all she said back, minus the usual i love you's and stuff. The next day we didn't talk much either, so I just automatically assume that... hey, so she went out with a guy, probably made out with him and now she's feeling guilty or she just doesn't want to talk to me now, and that I should just plan on still being single come January. But then on sunday night she had a whole different attitude, we talked a lot that night and about how much we loved eachother and stuff, like... more than usual, and I felt a lot better then about what she might decide. It's just really hard waiting right now. And she's even asked me if I want to wait or not, and to be honest, fuck no I don't want to wait, this shit is so hard on me it physically hurts, but here's what I keep thinking. If she decides we're not going to get back together, it doesn't matter if she decides that tomorrow or in a month, we're not together now, and we won't be when she makes the decision. But if she decides that she really wants to be with me, if she has all that time to really make sure and KNOW in her heart that she wants to be with me, then I think only then are things going to work out between us. I'm really scared that when she goes home, she's going to hook up with someone or something. Like... I know it shouldn't matter but it does... I know I don't have any room to get upset about it, but I know I would be. Probably just out of jealousy, but I just get worried. I don't know if she worried about me when I was home or not, I'm actually afraid to tell her that I'm worried she going to hook up or something cuz I don't want to fight with her now. I mean... I never want to fight with her, but I'm being especially careful now that we've already broken up, not just to try and get her back, but if things do work out, so that I can keep her. I know I'm short tempered, and self conscious but I know I need to work on those, and I've never had a reason to really push myself but Anna is more than enough reason to change 2 of my many flaws...
So that's what keeps me going. Hoping that we're going to get back together, and that things will really work. It's hard feeling like we're together but knowing we're not. I mean... it could be worse, I know that, but sometimes thinking about how it could be better makes it hard to not be there. I don't dislike Anna at all for any of this... I mean.. I broke up with her, I gave her to opportunity to go home. It just sucks thinking about some times. I really do miss her, and it'll never be easy to be away from her like we're going to be away from each other... but i'm just hoping we give it another chance. I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much though without pushing her away at the same time.
So there's a little look into my brain concerning what keeps me up at night. Enjoy
Here's the thing, Anna is my ex girlfriend for about a little under 2 months now. A few days ago woulda been 8 months together, so yeah, we broke up right around our 6 month. I don't remember the day we broke up, but I think it was a Tuesday. Maybe a Monday, I don't really remember nor care to remember.
Now, the first two months we dated were full of puppy love and it was pretty much the coolest thing ever, because even though we had never met, I knew I really liked her. I got to get out of school in the afternoon and call her, and she actually listened to me when I had something to say, weither it be a complaint or anything of the like, she really really listened. So I figured she really liked me, too. If you know me... you know I have a short temper and a lot of things piss me off, so she did a lot of listening, she had to like me for that. I tried to do the same for her but unfortunately I'm a lot better talker than I am a listener, but I think I did a good job overall regardless, just I wasn't as good at cheering her up as she was at cheering me up.
Come June, I was on leave, and she was in Indiana to meet me and spend time with me, because... we hadn't met yet and her friend from college lives in the same town as me. Side story... We "met" because of Sarah Shoup, my best friend, Dave's, wife. So Anna came to Indiana to see Sarah and I. It was awesome, we had a fight, and it sucked, but in all it was a really good time, and I think the fight at least helped me realize something about her, and I hope she ultimately gained something out of it, but anyone who's been in a serious relationship knows you don't really want to bring up an old fight, because usually you end up fighting again, so I've never asked. We spent the majority of nights together, and A LOT of time during the day together. We'd already said that we loved eachother, and the time we spent together really made it set in stone, no questions asked. Like... before June I said that I loved her, and I meant it, but when I got to hold her and everything I really knew that I loved her and I was going to try and make things work. We talked about getting married, she looked at rings, she showed me one. I was jewelry dumb and didn't buy it, cuz I thought it was all one payment, and I just really didn't know what was going on with all that. I still think about what would have happened if I would have gotten it. Would things be different? Would we still be together or would I just be carrying a ring around? If we were still together would things have gotten better?
June 9th is the day I think she went back to Colorado, I think it was June 11th that I headed back to SC. Things were still good afterwards but it started to change. There wasn't a fantasy "meeting" that we were going to have anymore. We'd already met and really it just ended up being a longing, to go back to how it was a few weeks ago. It was hard, not going to bed with her in my arms anymore, not getting any kisses or hugs. I really enjoyed the morning phone calls I got from her, and how every day after school I could call her and I knew I could always get a hold of her, but it's just not the same as it was hearing her voice and watching it come from her lips. I missed it, and it started to cause problems. It didn't make me feel as good when I got to talk to her on the phone as it had before June, because even though her talking to me about my day still had the same effect, I brought myself down with feelings of self pitty, cuz she wasn't around anymore. I got myself worked up about things in her past that were not my business nor did they matter, and I didn't realize that they didn't matter then. I compared myself and her experiences with me to what I thought were the people she knew or the experiences she'd had with other people, and it killed me. I fucked myself up stressing over her. I really didn't hide it, but I did subside how much came out. But really it didn't matter, and the relationship began to crumble. We both tried to make it work, and it did, but it wasn't what it was before, and I don't know if it really ever could have been. Eventually the shields go down, so you're more vulnerable, and eventually you become comfortable with a person, and you don't always think of the "nice" way of saying or doing something, because you don't worry so much about them leaving you since it's become an established relationship that won't end because of something stupid, and so pursues the more painful love.
Now I know, there's always those sayings like "the right person won't give you a reason to cry" now I say bullshit. Anything worth having is worth working for, and in a relationship work means hard times, and that's just a belief I've always had, unfortunately it was too much work. Anna was getting ready to leave for basic and those last couple weeks things were very odd to me. I had already put a barrier back up, afraid she'd be leaving me before she left, while she was at boot camp through a letter, or on her first day of liberty weekend. I was scared, and I let it get the best of me. But on the other side of the token, things didn't seem to be causing us to fight as much, now I don't know how she felt at all going into this, but I felt kind of good when she was leaving, not because she was leaving, but because we hadn't faught. I was going to write her letters, and it seemed like things were okay, but I think the reason we weren't fighting is because I was already pushing her away. I don't know why, but I was. She was the love of my life and I knew this but yet I pushed her away from fear.
So she went to boot camp, and I wrote her a letter nearly everyday. 6 out of every 7 days, generally combining like saturday and sunday since I wasn't sending a letter out anyway, but I did it. I ran out of things to say like day 3, and I tried to tell her how things were going. I told her I loved her and I was proud of her, but I really didn't know what to write, so I asked other people what they liked to hear when they were in boot camp and the general idea, which i also agreed with was, hearing i love you and i miss you and i'm proud of you gets lame after a while. Even though it's always nice to hear, it really just doesn't bring you happiness. The exciting things to get letters about were things that were happening. So seeing as how we didn't have any of the same friends minus the shoups, and I don't keep much in contact with them, I dind't have shit to say. So my letters were just that, shit. She didn't seem to enjoy them after a while, and my dumb ass never figured to just ask her how she was doing. She wrote me letters about what was going on, and I figured by the time she wrote me at letter telling me what's going on, I write her a letter, send it the following day, she gets it, and she gets a chance to respond, it's already been a week since the event I'm asking about, and by the time I find out how it was, it's been 2 weeks since it happened, so I didn't ask. I didn't ask her how she was because she told me her general mood when I got letters, she told me that things that were making her upset, but I still should have asked, because she thought I didn't care, and I understand that. When she called I didn't know what to say because I was just happy to hear her voice, so ultimately I fucked up some more. I didn't know how she was feeling, but eventually I came to find out that she felt like I didn't want to talk to her. I knew I wasn't saying much, but I dind't know what to say either. So her letters came back, fewer words and fewer nights spent in the rack writing me, with more bitter words, and it made it harder for me to write her back also. I didn't want to get upset at her through a letter, and I figured it was just bootcamp stressing her out, I didn't know it was really my letters, so in the end we just kind of created a cycle of making eachother feel like shit and making it harder and harder to write eachother. Thursdays were the day I got letters from her and at first I couldn't wait for thursdays, but then thursday became the day I was able to read her letter and find out if it was the week she was breaking up with me, or find out what seemingly ridiculous thing she was upset with me over now. The things that I'm really not going to forget is when she got upset because I wrote her to tell her I probably wasn't going to be able to make it to see her on her liberty weekend, which meant I wasn't going to meet her family, and most importantly, at least in my mind, her father. This goes back to the whole marriage thing. We both decided we shouldn't get married until I got to at least meet her father and ask him if I could marry her. Our ideas were clearly re-enforced when she told her dad about the Shoup's story. There was also the fact that I may not be staying in SC for prototype, which meant I wouldn't be able to go to GA to her brother's house for Christmas to see her... I thought my chances were near 100% due to my GPA in school, but then I found out how the system really worked, and my GPA became a hindrance instead of a boost towards my goal. She got upset because of the way I told her through a letter, but I didn't know how else to say it. I wanted her to know because it affected us both equally, and I thought about just telling her once she got out, instead of just telling her when she was in basic, to try and not stress her out, but it was really bothering me that my 2 chances to see her were possibly gone, so I didn't keep it to myself, and in the end it just all added up.
Eventually 9 weeks went buy and then she was on liberty weekend. Which was just piss poor and horrible. I felt like I barely got to talk to her, because the most we ever talked in the first 2 days was 10 minutes at a time and no more than 45 minutes in a day, and so Saturday night I told her I was upset about it. Sunday she called me in the morning, and thus was the last time I heard her voice for about 5 days. We didn't talk again until that thursday when I was at my friend Shea's house for a grill out with some of the boys and she called.
She was ready to break up with me, and I was ready for it to happen, but I didn't want it to. So... I took advantage of something she said to bring it up and eventually talk her out of wanting to break up with me, she told me how she was ready to do it, and I knew she was, and we talked. It was a lot of things she was upset about and I listened. I told her I would change the things that I was doing that upset her, and I meant it. This is the first time she told me that she didn't love me, and it sucked. I really wanted to just go back to the barracks and get pissed off at everything that moved, but I tried to stay chill. I did with her, and I agreed not to tell her I loved her until she thought she meant it if she was to say it back, because I wanted her to say it because she meant it, not because she felt like she had to. It sucked, a lot. About a week later we were talking, and she was upset and she was about to break up with me, trying to blame herself for how I felt being away from her, and I talked her out of it again... I had to tell her that the way I felt was due to me, and that if I didn't want to deal with the way I felt that I wouldn't be with her, but it's not her fault. I guess she was really just scared to hurt me, and I'm not new to the whole being hurt by girls thing and I really wasn't going to let her leave me based on her hurting me. She even told me that it wasn't a matter if she might, but when she will, and I still didn't want to break up, because I really thought that no matter what happened maybe her and I could make it. I told her I loved her and she told me that she loved me, too.
Well, again about a week later some of the same stuff started to happen, this time I wasn't in the mood for it and I told her to figure out what she wanted, because she told me again that she didn't love me, and I had been going through hell, not only due to her, but due to what I kept causing myself emotionally, over all of it. It was a lot for me to handle and I didn't know how to do it. Well, she didn't know what she wanted, so I broke up with her, because I knew that we couldn't make it if we both didn't work at it, and when she couldn't tell me if she wanted to be with me, I just figured she wasn't going to be willing to work with me to make it work.
Yeah, I broke up with her.
Now we're in the most complicated relationship I've ever heard of. We still talk like we're in a relationship, I tell her I love her, she tells me she loves me. We talk about how much we miss eachother, and about who's a better pirate. I mean... to me it really seems like we've both just grown up a lot and we're back to more puppy love, we've hurt eachother and we don't want to do it again, even though we're still able to hurt eachother just as bad. I feel like she's working to be honest with me, which is a big thing in my opinion. I really don't think she's ever lied to me, but she doesn't always like to talk to me about things that happen or how she's feeling. We've talked about getting back together, and I'm waiting hoping it will happen, but we ultimately decided that we both need to know it's what we wanted before we went into anything. I was heading home soon and she's going to be heading back to CO soon and I just kind of figured that if she went home and still felt like she wanted to be with me that we could safely say she wants to be with me. I already knew I wanted to be with her... it really wasn't about questioning myself. So I think that's been the deal for about a month now. I think January 7th or so she'll be back on base and hopefully she'll have a decision. If not I'll just continue to wait, but honestly, it sucks. I've been home on leave for 2 weeks and anything I do with a girl makes me feel like i'm cheating on her. I question myself before I even go to hang out with a girl, and I shouldn't, but I do. I'm still completely in love with her. We talked about that and she feels the same way. She had kissed some guy and even told me that she felt like shit after... The honesty was nice but I really wish she wouldn't have kissed someone, but I thought... at least she felt bad, she feels the same ways as me, that's good... right? Not necessarily, she even told me she didn't know if that made her decision harder or easier to make... Then, some days I really feel like things are going good and come January we'll be back together, but other days we don't talk much. Like this last weekend she went out to dinner and a movie and said she'd be back kind of late, and I told her to call anyway and she didn't, so I sent her a text saying good night and that's all she said back, minus the usual i love you's and stuff. The next day we didn't talk much either, so I just automatically assume that... hey, so she went out with a guy, probably made out with him and now she's feeling guilty or she just doesn't want to talk to me now, and that I should just plan on still being single come January. But then on sunday night she had a whole different attitude, we talked a lot that night and about how much we loved eachother and stuff, like... more than usual, and I felt a lot better then about what she might decide. It's just really hard waiting right now. And she's even asked me if I want to wait or not, and to be honest, fuck no I don't want to wait, this shit is so hard on me it physically hurts, but here's what I keep thinking. If she decides we're not going to get back together, it doesn't matter if she decides that tomorrow or in a month, we're not together now, and we won't be when she makes the decision. But if she decides that she really wants to be with me, if she has all that time to really make sure and KNOW in her heart that she wants to be with me, then I think only then are things going to work out between us. I'm really scared that when she goes home, she's going to hook up with someone or something. Like... I know it shouldn't matter but it does... I know I don't have any room to get upset about it, but I know I would be. Probably just out of jealousy, but I just get worried. I don't know if she worried about me when I was home or not, I'm actually afraid to tell her that I'm worried she going to hook up or something cuz I don't want to fight with her now. I mean... I never want to fight with her, but I'm being especially careful now that we've already broken up, not just to try and get her back, but if things do work out, so that I can keep her. I know I'm short tempered, and self conscious but I know I need to work on those, and I've never had a reason to really push myself but Anna is more than enough reason to change 2 of my many flaws...
So that's what keeps me going. Hoping that we're going to get back together, and that things will really work. It's hard feeling like we're together but knowing we're not. I mean... it could be worse, I know that, but sometimes thinking about how it could be better makes it hard to not be there. I don't dislike Anna at all for any of this... I mean.. I broke up with her, I gave her to opportunity to go home. It just sucks thinking about some times. I really do miss her, and it'll never be easy to be away from her like we're going to be away from each other... but i'm just hoping we give it another chance. I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much though without pushing her away at the same time.
So there's a little look into my brain concerning what keeps me up at night. Enjoy