Would you like some whipped cream on your humble pie?
I have always had a drive to be seen as intelligent. I remember back in high school I took out literary classics just for the sake of having read books that many consider to be great. I enjoy reading for the sake of reading and I enjoyed those books a lot, but there is a part of me that wants to read classics just for the sake of being able to say I read them.
This drive to be seen as intelligent extends beyond my reading tastes. I thrive on being able to say or write something incredibly intelligent that others recognize as such. And as I pondered that fact I realized why I am sad I am not taking any religion classes this semester. Again, it's a subject I enjoy studying, but I also get a high off of being able to speak in a manner that I know can be considered intelligent.
What it all boils down to is I am a prideful person. Which is really funny in a sick way when you consider how poor my self esteem is. But perhaps it is that poor self concept that fuels for this desire to be seen as valuable in some way to others. For me, I've always seen intelligence as that way to prove myself. This is due to the fact that it is the one thing I could seemingly control. Yes intelligence is in part a genetic thing, but it's easy to acquire knowledge. How useful that knowledge can be is debatable. But having a knack for memorizing facts makes it easy to appear to be intelligent.
Perhaps my recent frustration with my level of intelligence has to due with the fact that I realized how trivial it all is. Memorizing does not make one intelligent, it's a cheap veneer. Rather than be able to come up with original content I simply would parrot the originality of others.
Or perhaps it is the fact that I am in a collegiate setting and it's far more difficult to appear intelligent in college than it is in other places. Or perhaps it is the fact that lately I've been struggling with depression again and it's hard for my mind to actually grasp onto things.
So much of my identity is woven into these issues. Part of the intelligence thing comes from how I used to identify myself as being a writer and others recognizing me as being talented in that area. It's ironic that my journalism career ended before Newhouse accepted me. My last piece of widely published work was featured in the Daily Orange the fall semester of my freshman year. I get angry at myself sometimes because I feel like I don't possess anything worthwhile to say. There is still part of me that longs to be a great writer. I know there is nothing stopping me from that. But it's more the desire of the acclaim for my writing than the actual writing itself I am seeking. To be completely honest, I am rather superficial. I'm a snob. I'll readily admit it.
I'll also admit that I say a lot of incredibly stupid things. Rather than carefully think about my words I just want to get my words out there and instead seem like an ass. I get so caught up on being seen that I forget to care about how I'm seen. Once I realize how stupid I was, I then chastise myself for not thinking.
Maybe the problem right now is that I am stuck in a state of internal dissonance, that my self concept and how I actually am/act/etc are in conflict, causing my current state of unhappiness. I'm not in a horrible place. But who I perceive myself to be and who I want to be are different in my mind and it's frustrating me and making me be incredibly hard on myself. (Then again, I'm always hard on myself.)
Conflict. That's life.
This drive to be seen as intelligent extends beyond my reading tastes. I thrive on being able to say or write something incredibly intelligent that others recognize as such. And as I pondered that fact I realized why I am sad I am not taking any religion classes this semester. Again, it's a subject I enjoy studying, but I also get a high off of being able to speak in a manner that I know can be considered intelligent.
What it all boils down to is I am a prideful person. Which is really funny in a sick way when you consider how poor my self esteem is. But perhaps it is that poor self concept that fuels for this desire to be seen as valuable in some way to others. For me, I've always seen intelligence as that way to prove myself. This is due to the fact that it is the one thing I could seemingly control. Yes intelligence is in part a genetic thing, but it's easy to acquire knowledge. How useful that knowledge can be is debatable. But having a knack for memorizing facts makes it easy to appear to be intelligent.
Perhaps my recent frustration with my level of intelligence has to due with the fact that I realized how trivial it all is. Memorizing does not make one intelligent, it's a cheap veneer. Rather than be able to come up with original content I simply would parrot the originality of others.
Or perhaps it is the fact that I am in a collegiate setting and it's far more difficult to appear intelligent in college than it is in other places. Or perhaps it is the fact that lately I've been struggling with depression again and it's hard for my mind to actually grasp onto things.
So much of my identity is woven into these issues. Part of the intelligence thing comes from how I used to identify myself as being a writer and others recognizing me as being talented in that area. It's ironic that my journalism career ended before Newhouse accepted me. My last piece of widely published work was featured in the Daily Orange the fall semester of my freshman year. I get angry at myself sometimes because I feel like I don't possess anything worthwhile to say. There is still part of me that longs to be a great writer. I know there is nothing stopping me from that. But it's more the desire of the acclaim for my writing than the actual writing itself I am seeking. To be completely honest, I am rather superficial. I'm a snob. I'll readily admit it.
I'll also admit that I say a lot of incredibly stupid things. Rather than carefully think about my words I just want to get my words out there and instead seem like an ass. I get so caught up on being seen that I forget to care about how I'm seen. Once I realize how stupid I was, I then chastise myself for not thinking.
Maybe the problem right now is that I am stuck in a state of internal dissonance, that my self concept and how I actually am/act/etc are in conflict, causing my current state of unhappiness. I'm not in a horrible place. But who I perceive myself to be and who I want to be are different in my mind and it's frustrating me and making me be incredibly hard on myself. (Then again, I'm always hard on myself.)
Conflict. That's life.