both of my eyes
Sitting in the back seat of Lauren's car on another Syracuse Sunday morning, en route to church, Lauren asked me if I had ever heard the song "3x5" by John Mayer. Earlier in the semester I had downloaded Mayer's album Heavier Things, but "3x5" was on another album. When I said I had not heard it, Lauren told me the song was about a guy who was a photographer and is talking about a day when he went out without his camera and instead of looking through the lens, he looked at the world with his two eyes and saw it in a new light.
Sitting at my computer desk in Massachusetts, trying to rewrite my introduction for my paper for my magazine class, I remembered my conversation with Lauren as I searched for music to listen to. In a few minutes time I was on Ruckus and downloaded a free copy of "3x5."
It's funny, but the intro of the song reminds me ever so slightly of a polka.
I don't think I've really touched my camera since I finished my photo class. Over winter break I took some pictures, trying to find material to finish my incomplete and I remember stressing myself out the first two weeks of the semester, trying to take pictures of some worth so I could just finish the class.
I haven't touched it since then. I took my camera home over spring break and didn't even open the bag. I thought maybe I would have some free time and I could give my relationship with my camera another go. Maybe like two lovers who just needed a break for a little while, I thought we could get back together now that the pressure was off of our relationship. But I just didn't want to.
And as I listened to the song, I realized that although the lens isn't in front of my eyes, I haven't been using my eyes to see this beautiful world. Somewhere along the way I stopped seeing. I tune out as I walk to class, just focusing on getting myself there, not immersing myself in the scenery. I'm looking inside and seeing nothing.
I realized this week that somewhere along the road, I started defining myself through journalism and photography. I was a writer and a photographer, that was my identity. I wasn't seeking my indentity in God. God made me, He knows every hair on my head and each desire of my heart. He is my reason for being and when I wasn't looking to him for my identity I lost myself.
I got so caught up in being the Newhouse girl. In high school, it was all about being a journalist, writing for the school newspaper and UNlisted, going to Syracuse and majoring in journalism and then fighting my way to the New York Times to be their religion writer. I was going to "take the journalism world by storm" with my deep set convictions and ethics. I was going to be an advocate for truth and action, being the eyes of the people. I was going to be a famous writer and change the world.
I became the photographer. I had a camera at me with me at all times and considered it another appendage. I remember calling my camera an extension of myself. I swelled with pride when I looked at the pictues I took, I found myself as I hid behind the camera and captured everything I saw.
There was something soothing and beautiful in being behind my camera, but I let my pride get inflated.
And then I sought my salvation in journalism and photography instead of Christ.
Suddenly it seems so clear why things with Newhouse and photography didn't work out as planned. There is a reason why I didn't get into Newhouse off the bat and why when I did get in I wasn't happy in my photography class. There is a reason why writing that news story or taking those pictures gave me the thrill that they once did.
On my knees, I realized I was blinded. And now I can see, I can see the face of my healer, Jesus. And he's saying "Here I am. Here is who you are."
These past two weeks have been a little different. You could say it's the medication and the counseling kicking in, or maybe the promise of good weather to come. You could say it's God.
It's everything. I know it is God because He is at work in my life, healing my heart and guiding me as I grow into the woman I was made to be.
I am beautiful and I am loved.
And that is everything. I have a purpose, I have an identity, I have an adventure, I am a princess. My prince has fought for me and is the victor over death and my Father, the King, is in control. He is good and just and He loves me.
There is so much I don't know, but I don't need to know. The fog is lifting and the sun is shining and I am alive.
Revolution.
I'm writing you to
catch you up on places I've been
You held this letter
probably got excited, but there's nothing else inside it
didn't have a camera by my side this time
hoping I would see the world with both my eyes
maybe I will tell you all about it when I'm
in the mood to lose my way with words
Today skies are painted colors of a cowboy's cliche'
And strange how clouds that look like mountains in the sky
are next to mountains anyway
Didn't have a camera by my side this time
Hoping I would see the world with both my eyes
Maybe I will tell you all about it when I'm in the mood to lose my way
but let me say
You should have seen that sunrise with your own eyes
it brought me back to life
You'll be with me next time I go outside
just no more 3x5's
Guess you had to be there
Guess you had to be with me
Today I finally overcame
tryin' to fit the world inside a picture frame
Maybe I will tell you all about it when I'm in the mood to
lose my way but let me say
You should have seen that sunrise with your own eyes
it brought me back to life
You'll be with me next time I go outside
no more 3x5's
just no more 3x5's
Sitting at my computer desk in Massachusetts, trying to rewrite my introduction for my paper for my magazine class, I remembered my conversation with Lauren as I searched for music to listen to. In a few minutes time I was on Ruckus and downloaded a free copy of "3x5."
It's funny, but the intro of the song reminds me ever so slightly of a polka.
I don't think I've really touched my camera since I finished my photo class. Over winter break I took some pictures, trying to find material to finish my incomplete and I remember stressing myself out the first two weeks of the semester, trying to take pictures of some worth so I could just finish the class.
I haven't touched it since then. I took my camera home over spring break and didn't even open the bag. I thought maybe I would have some free time and I could give my relationship with my camera another go. Maybe like two lovers who just needed a break for a little while, I thought we could get back together now that the pressure was off of our relationship. But I just didn't want to.
And as I listened to the song, I realized that although the lens isn't in front of my eyes, I haven't been using my eyes to see this beautiful world. Somewhere along the way I stopped seeing. I tune out as I walk to class, just focusing on getting myself there, not immersing myself in the scenery. I'm looking inside and seeing nothing.
I realized this week that somewhere along the road, I started defining myself through journalism and photography. I was a writer and a photographer, that was my identity. I wasn't seeking my indentity in God. God made me, He knows every hair on my head and each desire of my heart. He is my reason for being and when I wasn't looking to him for my identity I lost myself.
I got so caught up in being the Newhouse girl. In high school, it was all about being a journalist, writing for the school newspaper and UNlisted, going to Syracuse and majoring in journalism and then fighting my way to the New York Times to be their religion writer. I was going to "take the journalism world by storm" with my deep set convictions and ethics. I was going to be an advocate for truth and action, being the eyes of the people. I was going to be a famous writer and change the world.
I became the photographer. I had a camera at me with me at all times and considered it another appendage. I remember calling my camera an extension of myself. I swelled with pride when I looked at the pictues I took, I found myself as I hid behind the camera and captured everything I saw.
There was something soothing and beautiful in being behind my camera, but I let my pride get inflated.
And then I sought my salvation in journalism and photography instead of Christ.
Suddenly it seems so clear why things with Newhouse and photography didn't work out as planned. There is a reason why I didn't get into Newhouse off the bat and why when I did get in I wasn't happy in my photography class. There is a reason why writing that news story or taking those pictures gave me the thrill that they once did.
On my knees, I realized I was blinded. And now I can see, I can see the face of my healer, Jesus. And he's saying "Here I am. Here is who you are."
These past two weeks have been a little different. You could say it's the medication and the counseling kicking in, or maybe the promise of good weather to come. You could say it's God.
It's everything. I know it is God because He is at work in my life, healing my heart and guiding me as I grow into the woman I was made to be.
I am beautiful and I am loved.
And that is everything. I have a purpose, I have an identity, I have an adventure, I am a princess. My prince has fought for me and is the victor over death and my Father, the King, is in control. He is good and just and He loves me.
There is so much I don't know, but I don't need to know. The fog is lifting and the sun is shining and I am alive.
Revolution.
I'm writing you to
catch you up on places I've been
You held this letter
probably got excited, but there's nothing else inside it
didn't have a camera by my side this time
hoping I would see the world with both my eyes
maybe I will tell you all about it when I'm
in the mood to lose my way with words
Today skies are painted colors of a cowboy's cliche'
And strange how clouds that look like mountains in the sky
are next to mountains anyway
Didn't have a camera by my side this time
Hoping I would see the world with both my eyes
Maybe I will tell you all about it when I'm in the mood to lose my way
but let me say
You should have seen that sunrise with your own eyes
it brought me back to life
You'll be with me next time I go outside
just no more 3x5's
Guess you had to be there
Guess you had to be with me
Today I finally overcame
tryin' to fit the world inside a picture frame
Maybe I will tell you all about it when I'm in the mood to
lose my way but let me say
You should have seen that sunrise with your own eyes
it brought me back to life
You'll be with me next time I go outside
no more 3x5's
just no more 3x5's