her brown eyes just stare into mine, knowing everything
It's Saturday and the snow has fallen, my bags are packed and I'll be traveling from one home to another, though neither place is quite "home" anymore. And as I sit here I cannot believe spring break is already over and I know the next two months will fly by and I'll be in Massachusetts for an extended period.
I feel like my life is passing me by. In just surviving from day to day I see the days pass by as a blur of pictures and faces. It's like I'm on fast forward and before I know it, the next two years will fly by and I'll be graduating. I'm almost half way done with college, which is crazy. It's going by a lot faster than high school. Is that what happens when you get older? Life goes by quicker? That can't be right.
I just wish I knew how to slow down. I want to really live, not just survive, which is what I've been doing.
I didn't do much this week. Maybe I needed that, maybe I didn't. I slept, ate, drove, stayed up late, watched movies, read books and hung out with three wonderful friends that are three of my most favorite people on the planet.
I spent one day doing the doctor thing, another day my Dad went into surgery. He's doing okay, but the finite nature of our bodies has been hitting me lately I guess. It makes me treasure that which is eternal. But I still feel like I'm not living like my treasure is elsewhere. I feel like I'm living with no treasure because I've been unliving.
I want to change, but I don't know how. I'm taking steps to get better but I feel like I'm not really going anywhere. But I can't fix myself. I can't expect immediate changes. But I know I'm going to be okay. I have to trust in that and put my faith in the Hope that I have because otherwise there is no purpose for living.
Being home is strange.
Probably because everything is changing.
Like the fact that when I am home for Easter I won't have a dog.
I remember when we first got Shayla. Like our cats, we got her from my aunt in Ithaca, though indirectly. It was funny, Shayla was someone else's dog, and my Dad took a real shining to her. It had been a long time since we'd had a dog. As it turned out, Shayla's owner gave her to us because her sons weren't nice to Shayla. So I had a dog.
I'm more of a cat person. I'm not one for the slobber and I like something small that will sit in my lap and I can pet it. I'm not a huge animal person. I like them, but at that point (I was in seventh grade) I had gotten over the excessive dog wanting phase. And finally I had one.
She was so quiet at first. She never barked. She perked up over time though, she's such a loving and sweet dog, very playful. She was absolutely perfect for our busy lifestyle.
But now she's not.
She's been having health problems for the past year, what we thought was just stomach problems turned out to be a problem with her esophagus, she can't swallow food, so it ends up coming back up. She's starving to death and there's nothing we can do about it.
My parents came to the decision to put her down last night. It makes me wish I had spent more time with her this break. I'm okay with it. She's ten years old and she doesn't have much of a quality life.
I think it's strange that our society is so used to euthenizing animals but when it comes to people that's a whole different story. It's different because animals can't tell us what they want or how they feel. They have little ways-their eyes and their body language. I don't know. I know that when I'm old I want to die naturally. Death is so complicated when it comes to people.
Everything is complicated when it comes to people.
And as I sit here fighting back tears as my cries over my dog I'm just so frustrated with everything. I can't deal with it. My life is not bad, there are so many people with so much worse. But it's just one thing after another and I just want a break.
Not a break, because that would mean everything would eventually resume. Which wouldn't realy help me.
Hello Steffi Jean(e), this is your life.
What are you going to do with it?
I feel like my life is passing me by. In just surviving from day to day I see the days pass by as a blur of pictures and faces. It's like I'm on fast forward and before I know it, the next two years will fly by and I'll be graduating. I'm almost half way done with college, which is crazy. It's going by a lot faster than high school. Is that what happens when you get older? Life goes by quicker? That can't be right.
I just wish I knew how to slow down. I want to really live, not just survive, which is what I've been doing.
I didn't do much this week. Maybe I needed that, maybe I didn't. I slept, ate, drove, stayed up late, watched movies, read books and hung out with three wonderful friends that are three of my most favorite people on the planet.
I spent one day doing the doctor thing, another day my Dad went into surgery. He's doing okay, but the finite nature of our bodies has been hitting me lately I guess. It makes me treasure that which is eternal. But I still feel like I'm not living like my treasure is elsewhere. I feel like I'm living with no treasure because I've been unliving.
I want to change, but I don't know how. I'm taking steps to get better but I feel like I'm not really going anywhere. But I can't fix myself. I can't expect immediate changes. But I know I'm going to be okay. I have to trust in that and put my faith in the Hope that I have because otherwise there is no purpose for living.
Being home is strange.
Probably because everything is changing.
Like the fact that when I am home for Easter I won't have a dog.
I remember when we first got Shayla. Like our cats, we got her from my aunt in Ithaca, though indirectly. It was funny, Shayla was someone else's dog, and my Dad took a real shining to her. It had been a long time since we'd had a dog. As it turned out, Shayla's owner gave her to us because her sons weren't nice to Shayla. So I had a dog.
I'm more of a cat person. I'm not one for the slobber and I like something small that will sit in my lap and I can pet it. I'm not a huge animal person. I like them, but at that point (I was in seventh grade) I had gotten over the excessive dog wanting phase. And finally I had one.
She was so quiet at first. She never barked. She perked up over time though, she's such a loving and sweet dog, very playful. She was absolutely perfect for our busy lifestyle.
But now she's not.
She's been having health problems for the past year, what we thought was just stomach problems turned out to be a problem with her esophagus, she can't swallow food, so it ends up coming back up. She's starving to death and there's nothing we can do about it.
My parents came to the decision to put her down last night. It makes me wish I had spent more time with her this break. I'm okay with it. She's ten years old and she doesn't have much of a quality life.
I think it's strange that our society is so used to euthenizing animals but when it comes to people that's a whole different story. It's different because animals can't tell us what they want or how they feel. They have little ways-their eyes and their body language. I don't know. I know that when I'm old I want to die naturally. Death is so complicated when it comes to people.
Everything is complicated when it comes to people.
And as I sit here fighting back tears as my cries over my dog I'm just so frustrated with everything. I can't deal with it. My life is not bad, there are so many people with so much worse. But it's just one thing after another and I just want a break.
Not a break, because that would mean everything would eventually resume. Which wouldn't realy help me.
Hello Steffi Jean(e), this is your life.
What are you going to do with it?