Hello, my name is Steffi Jean and I have a control addiction
Hello reader.
So I've discovered something. It might seem fairly obvious, like learning that there is oxygen or that I live on planet Earth. But sometimes you have to learn the obvious things. This is a point made in the book Don't Waste Your Life by John Piper. It's a minor point that can make you think in major ways. Anywho, upon being asked if I ever had to learn anything obvious like that, I didn't think I ever had. Then today I realized something. Depression is not something that ever fully goes away and you cannot treat depression on your own. You might think you have everything under control, which to a point you can, but with any illness, sometimes you need to take medication and seek proper medical attention. It's not entirely your fault if you get a cold. It's the same thing with depression. You might have a genetic predisposition to the disease, or life just gets hard sometimes. It's okay.
I've been down this road before and I thought I was done. I thought I was "cured" and that everything was peachy keen. And there have been good times, wonderful times. But to be entirely honest, I haven't been myself for a long time. There are times I feel totally incapicitated by this disease, and as of late it has been manifesting itself more and more in my life.
And so here I am, about to pick up the phone after I finish this entry. To be completely honest once again, I am terrified. I don't want to pick up the phone. I don't want to admit I have a problem, I don't want to admit that I need help. But I do.
I said this summer that sometimes I think I have a control problem. And in response, John said that in some way, everyone does. I think the bigger problem is when we hold onto our control problem. I said that I had let go. I hadn't. Or maybe I did but then I took hold of it again. I don't know. That's not a significant detail.
I've been reading the Gospel on and off, my scripture reading has been really sporadic as of late. As I read about Jesus' time on Earth, I was constantly fixated on the miraculous healings Jesus performed. All these people did was believe in him.
Faith is so huge and sometimes I know I forget that.
At first I thought it was ironic that the pastor at the church I go to in Syracuse preached on one of the stories of Jesus healing a woman. It wasn't ironic. It was God. He talks. We just don't listen. And again, it could be said that it was really ironic that the last worship song was called "Break Through" (or something of the like) and was about God breaking down all the barriers we've errected. Nope, not ironic in the least. God's not ironic, He's God. He knows what He is doing.
The problem isn't that God can't heal me, He can. The problem has been that I have not been seeking Him. The problem is that I have not approached him, falling at his feet, speaking the truth. I like to think that I can lie about how I'm doing, but I can't.
Sometimes I like to ask myself 'why me?' I like to think that I've gone through enough character building. In reality, the things that I have faced are just pennies in the bucket. God has started a good work in me. But that good work cannot be completed this side of heaven.
Earlier I said God speaks and that we don't listen.
All the while God has been with me, He has never abandoned me. All the while God has been saying "Steffi Jean, have faith and be healed."
I wasn't listening.
Here I am.
All of my problems are not going to be solved in an instant.
But my God heals and my God loves and my God lives.
Here I am.
So I've discovered something. It might seem fairly obvious, like learning that there is oxygen or that I live on planet Earth. But sometimes you have to learn the obvious things. This is a point made in the book Don't Waste Your Life by John Piper. It's a minor point that can make you think in major ways. Anywho, upon being asked if I ever had to learn anything obvious like that, I didn't think I ever had. Then today I realized something. Depression is not something that ever fully goes away and you cannot treat depression on your own. You might think you have everything under control, which to a point you can, but with any illness, sometimes you need to take medication and seek proper medical attention. It's not entirely your fault if you get a cold. It's the same thing with depression. You might have a genetic predisposition to the disease, or life just gets hard sometimes. It's okay.
I've been down this road before and I thought I was done. I thought I was "cured" and that everything was peachy keen. And there have been good times, wonderful times. But to be entirely honest, I haven't been myself for a long time. There are times I feel totally incapicitated by this disease, and as of late it has been manifesting itself more and more in my life.
And so here I am, about to pick up the phone after I finish this entry. To be completely honest once again, I am terrified. I don't want to pick up the phone. I don't want to admit I have a problem, I don't want to admit that I need help. But I do.
I said this summer that sometimes I think I have a control problem. And in response, John said that in some way, everyone does. I think the bigger problem is when we hold onto our control problem. I said that I had let go. I hadn't. Or maybe I did but then I took hold of it again. I don't know. That's not a significant detail.
I've been reading the Gospel on and off, my scripture reading has been really sporadic as of late. As I read about Jesus' time on Earth, I was constantly fixated on the miraculous healings Jesus performed. All these people did was believe in him.
Faith is so huge and sometimes I know I forget that.
At first I thought it was ironic that the pastor at the church I go to in Syracuse preached on one of the stories of Jesus healing a woman. It wasn't ironic. It was God. He talks. We just don't listen. And again, it could be said that it was really ironic that the last worship song was called "Break Through" (or something of the like) and was about God breaking down all the barriers we've errected. Nope, not ironic in the least. God's not ironic, He's God. He knows what He is doing.
The problem isn't that God can't heal me, He can. The problem has been that I have not been seeking Him. The problem is that I have not approached him, falling at his feet, speaking the truth. I like to think that I can lie about how I'm doing, but I can't.
Sometimes I like to ask myself 'why me?' I like to think that I've gone through enough character building. In reality, the things that I have faced are just pennies in the bucket. God has started a good work in me. But that good work cannot be completed this side of heaven.
Earlier I said God speaks and that we don't listen.
All the while God has been with me, He has never abandoned me. All the while God has been saying "Steffi Jean, have faith and be healed."
I wasn't listening.
Here I am.
All of my problems are not going to be solved in an instant.
But my God heals and my God loves and my God lives.
Here I am.