(no subject)
casual sex isnt the easiest way not to get hurt.
in fact, it's more or less like a death trap.
ive been keeping things from people lately; i havent been myself. Everything that ive ever attempted to do has failed or backfired. I end up hurt, wreckless, and humiliated. I feel so distant from everything&everyone. it doesnt feel too good. i stay up late at night trying to make promises to myself about tomorrow, and how its going to be a much better day than today was and yesterday was and the day before yesterday. what was the day before yesterday? i htink i need to get back on my medicine. it defenitely made me gain weight though, so I dont know if i want to do that. Ive been so down about myself lately and anyone who asks why just hasnt seen me lately. im such a mess.
im soo sick of people complaining to me about stupid shit. oh i need to lose weight [while her bones pertrude out of her hips] Ah, im doing soo terrible in school, as their being accepetd into the best colleges in the nation. Im sick of people saying "but you dont understand". or trying to make it seem as though my problems are NOTHING compared to theirs, while ive been there. done that.
im tired of participating in forced conversations and awkward interactions. &im done trying to relate to people; im not helping you anymore. I feel like i put out so much more than Ive ever recieved.
I want more than anything to be able to pick up my phone and talk to someone that I loved soo fuckin much. but i cant. i never can again, I wasnt ready to let go. &it hurts more than anything imaginable.
time heals all wounds. bullshit.
im tired but i cant sleep. my brain's just dead weight anymore&my body is no help.
i miss the way she smelled, like Newports and doublemint. I miss her tickles [she was always best for a good backscratching] I miss her being able to tell me everything was going to be okay. You could call her up with the worst scenarios and shed make you feel like nothing bad will happen; ever. she made me feel safe and secure. my life was fine with her here. but NO. i hate seeing my mom constantly miserable and crying, i hate answering the phone with my aunt on the other line sobbing. I hate knowing that my uncle is off doing heroine without a mom to return home to for safety.
i cant do this anymore.
<3.
in fact, it's more or less like a death trap.
ive been keeping things from people lately; i havent been myself. Everything that ive ever attempted to do has failed or backfired. I end up hurt, wreckless, and humiliated. I feel so distant from everything&everyone. it doesnt feel too good. i stay up late at night trying to make promises to myself about tomorrow, and how its going to be a much better day than today was and yesterday was and the day before yesterday. what was the day before yesterday? i htink i need to get back on my medicine. it defenitely made me gain weight though, so I dont know if i want to do that. Ive been so down about myself lately and anyone who asks why just hasnt seen me lately. im such a mess.
im soo sick of people complaining to me about stupid shit. oh i need to lose weight [while her bones pertrude out of her hips] Ah, im doing soo terrible in school, as their being accepetd into the best colleges in the nation. Im sick of people saying "but you dont understand". or trying to make it seem as though my problems are NOTHING compared to theirs, while ive been there. done that.
im tired of participating in forced conversations and awkward interactions. &im done trying to relate to people; im not helping you anymore. I feel like i put out so much more than Ive ever recieved.
I want more than anything to be able to pick up my phone and talk to someone that I loved soo fuckin much. but i cant. i never can again, I wasnt ready to let go. &it hurts more than anything imaginable.
time heals all wounds. bullshit.
im tired but i cant sleep. my brain's just dead weight anymore&my body is no help.
i miss the way she smelled, like Newports and doublemint. I miss her tickles [she was always best for a good backscratching] I miss her being able to tell me everything was going to be okay. You could call her up with the worst scenarios and shed make you feel like nothing bad will happen; ever. she made me feel safe and secure. my life was fine with her here. but NO. i hate seeing my mom constantly miserable and crying, i hate answering the phone with my aunt on the other line sobbing. I hate knowing that my uncle is off doing heroine without a mom to return home to for safety.
i cant do this anymore.
<3.