getting my rage on, feel free to scroll on by
Alright, look, I have started writing this post like three times in the last few weeks, because this keeps happening to me, and it has happened to me my entire life, and it makes me nuts. But just now I'm sitting here in the goddamn coffee shop writing ridiculous fic and enjoying the lovely photos of O'Lough and DDK and Scotty and commentficcing up and down and around the town and trying to figure out where I'm gonna take Burro & Burrito for dinner, looking out at the sunshine. It's a good fucking afternoon, and then some random stranger starts talking to me because that's my lot in life, because no one ever understands that people wearing headphones and staring at a screen probably aren't dying to hear you wax rhapsodic about lawn chemicals or whatever the fuck. But fine, he starts chatting with me and fine, I take my fucking headphones out and fine, because I was raised to be polite to people and you can't just ignore someone talking to you, and anyway I just have one of those faces or something and people constantly do this.
And he's talking, he's talking, he's talking, and Jesus fucking Christ shut up shut up shut up I am trying to get shit done here, and then out of nowhere he drops an antisemitic comment that I'm not going to repeat like it's nothing. And, seriously, I don't know what is in the water around here lately, if it's just that Mel Gibson and what's-his-face from fucking Dior are like, striking this into people's hearts all of a sudden or what, but this is like the fourth time this month I've had to hear this crap.
So I say, "Dude, I'm Jewish, please do not say that shit to me," and he blinks at me and says what they all say: "Oh, sorry, you don't look Jewish."
To The Asshole Who Said I Don't Look Jewish:
Okay, first things first: what does that mean, exactly? What are we talking here? Is it that my hair's too blonde for you, is that what you're saying? Are my eyes too blue? Is my nose not big enough for you, is that what we're driving at, because I've got to tell you, if that's the case, someone needs to take the ignorance stick you're leaning on and whap you in the motherfucking face with it. Somebody needs to beat it into your head that you don't get to judge people's identity by how they look, under any circumstance, ever. That shit is not up to you, that shit is not your call, that shit is overstepping your bounds and then some, and fuck you for thinking I don't "look Jewish."
Oh, and, speaking of ignorance, you think that the shit you said to me would have been alright if I wasn't Jewish? If the way I "look" had lined up with what you thought it meant, would it have been alright for you to cast negative aspersions on an entire group of people? I'm gonna give you a hint here: no. No. Fuck no. I don't give a flying fuck what you're talking about, dickweed, and I don't give a flying fuck who you're talking to--casually insulting anyone's identity is, hi, hey, hello, WRONG. And I make a lot of motherfucking allowances, okay, I spend a lot of time saying "Heyyyy, you know what, let's look at what you said there and what it could mean and think about not saying it again," because I'd rather help people learn than get angry at them. I get that people are human and I get that people fuck up, everyone fucks up, I fuck up, and I am all about learning instead of fighting, I really, really am. But that thing you said to me? That thing you said about my people? Yeah, no, go to hell and rot there, that wasn't a fucking accident. And the fact that you think it would be alright in difference circumstances--yeah, fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you for thinking I don't "look Jewish."
And hey, you know what, while we're on the topic--you think I don't know what I look like? You think this morning, while I was straightening my father's curls out of my mother's hair, that I didn't look in the mirror? You think I'm not aware that I don't fit the stereotype you've decided I should embody, because, hey, jackass, I know. I am well fucking versed in all the things you think I am, now that you know what you apparently couldn't see in my face. I know better than you do what you've decided I should be, because I've had it shoved down my throat by people like you all my life, so fuck you for thinking I don't "look Jewish."
You are not the first to go down this road with me, and you will not be the last. Hell, you're not even the first person this week to leave me mown down and pissed off--you've wandered into territory that has been walked before, down the road decidedly more traveled on. I am used to you, motherfucker, used to you and the casual indifference with which you dismiss my heritage, and that doesn't make it better, and that doesn't make it right. Fuck you for thinking I don't "look Jewish."
But here's the thing--the thing is that if you go into my parents' house, turn right and then left and then right again, you'll find yourself facing the bookshelf with my Bat Mitzvah photos on it. You can flip the fuck through it, asshole, and see me on the bimah in my tallis reciting my Torah portion, and I don't really give a shit how Jewish I look to you then. I don't care, I don't care, because I know what that moment was, I know how it felt to be entrenched in that history, that tradition, to do what my family did before me. And for everyone person like you, who looks at me and decides arbitrarily what I am, there are a thousand moments like that, a thousand drops in that particular bucket. Fuck you for thinking I don't "look Jewish."
I observe holidays worshiping a god I'm not sure I believe in; I joke constantly about my crazy family and our crazy habits and my crazy delicious matzo ball soup. And I do it because I love talking about it, because I grew up ensconced in it, because I am so fiercely fucking proud of it that I can't hold it in some days. I do it because people have been doing it for hundred on hundreds of years, because the level of history in each tradition thrills me, because of the way it feels to stand in a room full of people who all grew up hearing the same stories, saying words in a language we might not know otherwise. I do it because it's family, because it's beautiful and precious and mine, and what you think it should be has nothing to fucking do with what it is.
So fuck you, man. Fuck you for what you said to me, and fuck you for trying to excuse it, and fuck you for making assumptions and appropriations based on shit you know nothing about. Fuck you, but thank you, too; you, like everyone who has done this before you, have done me the great service of reminding me of my love for who and what I am.
I am as Jewish as I fucking feel, asshole, and fuck you for trying to tell me otherwise.
I'm going to go have dinner with my brothers now, and when I return I will be going back to my excellent afternoon--to wit, writing more, commentficcing more, squeeing more. My sincerest apologies for interrupting your flail, and you may, of course, feel free to ENTIRELY IGNORE THIS. It was just this or get arrested for assault, and I didn't think this bastard was worth going to jail for.
Also, I'm 5'1'' and on the tiny side, so I don't necessarily know how much physical damage I could have done.
Finally, I would hope most sincerely that it goes without saying that the Jewish experience I discuss herein is mine and mine alone. I would never, ever suggest that the way I understand and experience Judaism is the way everyone else does--is the way anyone else does, come to that. I am a firm believer (er, obviously) in the concept that your identity, on any level, is yours and yours alone to define, and so I would be completely appalled if somehow the takeaway from this was that I felt any other way. I am pretty sure I didn't send that message, because it's so far away from my worldview that I can't imagine I could have, but I recognize that words pounded out mid-fury aren't always the clearest, so I'm stating it explicitly just in case. Okay? Okay.
And he's talking, he's talking, he's talking, and Jesus fucking Christ shut up shut up shut up I am trying to get shit done here, and then out of nowhere he drops an antisemitic comment that I'm not going to repeat like it's nothing. And, seriously, I don't know what is in the water around here lately, if it's just that Mel Gibson and what's-his-face from fucking Dior are like, striking this into people's hearts all of a sudden or what, but this is like the fourth time this month I've had to hear this crap.
So I say, "Dude, I'm Jewish, please do not say that shit to me," and he blinks at me and says what they all say: "Oh, sorry, you don't look Jewish."
To The Asshole Who Said I Don't Look Jewish:
Okay, first things first: what does that mean, exactly? What are we talking here? Is it that my hair's too blonde for you, is that what you're saying? Are my eyes too blue? Is my nose not big enough for you, is that what we're driving at, because I've got to tell you, if that's the case, someone needs to take the ignorance stick you're leaning on and whap you in the motherfucking face with it. Somebody needs to beat it into your head that you don't get to judge people's identity by how they look, under any circumstance, ever. That shit is not up to you, that shit is not your call, that shit is overstepping your bounds and then some, and fuck you for thinking I don't "look Jewish."
Oh, and, speaking of ignorance, you think that the shit you said to me would have been alright if I wasn't Jewish? If the way I "look" had lined up with what you thought it meant, would it have been alright for you to cast negative aspersions on an entire group of people? I'm gonna give you a hint here: no. No. Fuck no. I don't give a flying fuck what you're talking about, dickweed, and I don't give a flying fuck who you're talking to--casually insulting anyone's identity is, hi, hey, hello, WRONG. And I make a lot of motherfucking allowances, okay, I spend a lot of time saying "Heyyyy, you know what, let's look at what you said there and what it could mean and think about not saying it again," because I'd rather help people learn than get angry at them. I get that people are human and I get that people fuck up, everyone fucks up, I fuck up, and I am all about learning instead of fighting, I really, really am. But that thing you said to me? That thing you said about my people? Yeah, no, go to hell and rot there, that wasn't a fucking accident. And the fact that you think it would be alright in difference circumstances--yeah, fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you for thinking I don't "look Jewish."
And hey, you know what, while we're on the topic--you think I don't know what I look like? You think this morning, while I was straightening my father's curls out of my mother's hair, that I didn't look in the mirror? You think I'm not aware that I don't fit the stereotype you've decided I should embody, because, hey, jackass, I know. I am well fucking versed in all the things you think I am, now that you know what you apparently couldn't see in my face. I know better than you do what you've decided I should be, because I've had it shoved down my throat by people like you all my life, so fuck you for thinking I don't "look Jewish."
You are not the first to go down this road with me, and you will not be the last. Hell, you're not even the first person this week to leave me mown down and pissed off--you've wandered into territory that has been walked before, down the road decidedly more traveled on. I am used to you, motherfucker, used to you and the casual indifference with which you dismiss my heritage, and that doesn't make it better, and that doesn't make it right. Fuck you for thinking I don't "look Jewish."
But here's the thing--the thing is that if you go into my parents' house, turn right and then left and then right again, you'll find yourself facing the bookshelf with my Bat Mitzvah photos on it. You can flip the fuck through it, asshole, and see me on the bimah in my tallis reciting my Torah portion, and I don't really give a shit how Jewish I look to you then. I don't care, I don't care, because I know what that moment was, I know how it felt to be entrenched in that history, that tradition, to do what my family did before me. And for everyone person like you, who looks at me and decides arbitrarily what I am, there are a thousand moments like that, a thousand drops in that particular bucket. Fuck you for thinking I don't "look Jewish."
I observe holidays worshiping a god I'm not sure I believe in; I joke constantly about my crazy family and our crazy habits and my crazy delicious matzo ball soup. And I do it because I love talking about it, because I grew up ensconced in it, because I am so fiercely fucking proud of it that I can't hold it in some days. I do it because people have been doing it for hundred on hundreds of years, because the level of history in each tradition thrills me, because of the way it feels to stand in a room full of people who all grew up hearing the same stories, saying words in a language we might not know otherwise. I do it because it's family, because it's beautiful and precious and mine, and what you think it should be has nothing to fucking do with what it is.
So fuck you, man. Fuck you for what you said to me, and fuck you for trying to excuse it, and fuck you for making assumptions and appropriations based on shit you know nothing about. Fuck you, but thank you, too; you, like everyone who has done this before you, have done me the great service of reminding me of my love for who and what I am.
I am as Jewish as I fucking feel, asshole, and fuck you for trying to tell me otherwise.
I'm going to go have dinner with my brothers now, and when I return I will be going back to my excellent afternoon--to wit, writing more, commentficcing more, squeeing more. My sincerest apologies for interrupting your flail, and you may, of course, feel free to ENTIRELY IGNORE THIS. It was just this or get arrested for assault, and I didn't think this bastard was worth going to jail for.
Also, I'm 5'1'' and on the tiny side, so I don't necessarily know how much physical damage I could have done.
Finally, I would hope most sincerely that it goes without saying that the Jewish experience I discuss herein is mine and mine alone. I would never, ever suggest that the way I understand and experience Judaism is the way everyone else does--is the way anyone else does, come to that. I am a firm believer (er, obviously) in the concept that your identity, on any level, is yours and yours alone to define, and so I would be completely appalled if somehow the takeaway from this was that I felt any other way. I am pretty sure I didn't send that message, because it's so far away from my worldview that I can't imagine I could have, but I recognize that words pounded out mid-fury aren't always the clearest, so I'm stating it explicitly just in case. Okay? Okay.