Five Things Fic(s)
I'd just like to put it out there that purple_chalk made me do this, and I blame her.
Title: Five Times Draco Malfoy Was Pushed Into a Pool
Rating: PG-13
1.
"Malfoy," Potter said, "you're looking a little washed out."
Draco opened his mouth to reply, and then, too late, he saw Potter's hands move. Damn him, Draco thought, damn him for always being faster than me, and then he was falling into the stupid, over-the-top pool at this stupid, over-the-top Ministry function. There is so little dignity in this, Draco thought, and held his breath.
"Potter," he snapped, when he surfaced, "I utterly fail to see why that was necessary."
Potter reached down, grabbed his hand, and hauled him out of the pool. "Now no one is looking at you like a Death Eater," he whispered, patting Draco's sopping shoulder. "Enjoy the party."
2.
This time, Draco took a few minutes under the water to contemplate his options. He could always kill Potter for sneaking up behind him--though Draco should have known his walk, should have been able to sense him coming, fool me once, etc--but there were so many witnesses. This was, after all, the house of the man everyone favored for Minister for Magic. Anyone who was anyone was here.
Which, of course, was the other problem. Draco was sure Potter had gotten him this invite, which--why? How, why? What was his deal, did he just want to push Draco into pools in public and why go to this trouble and make Draco feel beholden and--
--he surfaced, and spat water up towards Potter's face. "I suppose you've got some noble reason this time, too," he grumbled, pulling himself out of the water.
"No," Potter said, cheerfully. "Just like doing it."
"Potter," Draco said, relishing it, "next time, I will end you."
"Worth it," Potter grinned, grabbing himself a glass of champagne.
3.
"Grah!!!!" Draco cried, and hit the water. He came back up almost immediately, not really finding the sensation of being in a pool full clothed all that novel anymore. "Potter," he snapped, trying to get the water out of his eyes, "I swore last time that I would end you and I will end you. In my own pool, I shouldn't even have invited you, I cannot believe--" And then he shut up, because that woman with those curves in that red, red dress was absolutely NOT Harry Potter.
She raised a perfectly groomed, dark eyebrow at him, and took a casual sip of her cocktail. It was red too. Buh, thought Draco, gaaaah.
"If I had known" she said, in the crisp, aristocratic tones Draco had been trained to look for, "that this kind of thing happened to you regularly, I would have spent rather more effort coming up with an icebreaker. I'll have to make do, though," she added, wistfully. She held out a hand. "Astoria."
Draco stared at her for a moment. "Draco," he said, finally. He held out his own hand only to realize he'd never reach her without pulling her in. The corner of his mouth twitched.
She looked him over, pulled back her hand, and threw back her head in hysterics. He laughed with her, long and deep, and hauled himself out of the pool. "I'm going to change," he gasped, "you owe me a drink."
4.
To be fair, Scorpius's little three-year-old arms didn't really have enough force behind them to push him in. But Draco had insisted, vehemently, that he wasn't going to swim today. He couldn't back down, that was not the Malfoy way, and also then Astoria (who had said "It's 90 degrees out, Draco, you'll change your mind once you've been out there ten minutes") would gloat.
And little Scorpius had said "Daddy go in, Daddy go in!" and pushed lightly on his legs, and that, loathe though Draco was to admit it, had been really adorable. He'd let himself fall.
"Don't think I'm not onto you," Astoria called from the kitchen.
"He pushed me!" Draco yelled back. Then he laughed, and grabbed his son with wet hands. Scorpius shrieked with laughter. "Spawn go in, Spawn go in," he cried, dunking the child in the water.
Astoria came out onto the terrace. "I do wish you'd stop calling him that," she chided, but she was smiling.
5.
So, Draco thought, rationally enough, this is what it's like when they're all against you. He came up, took in a gasp of air, and went down again; no point in giving them the gratification of seeing him annoyed. He held his breath for a moment and popped back up, utterly calm.
"Well done, you two," he drawled, giving them a slow clap. "Good show. Which one of you set the trip jinx?"
Astoria smiled jauntily at him. "He made me do it," she said, and then burst out laughing. "No, I can't even say it with a straight face, it was totally my idea."
Draco scowled at her. "So I suppose," he said, turning towards Potter, "that it was you that actually felt it necessary to push me into the jinx?"
Potter grinned down at him. "Oh come on, Malfoy," he said, reaching out a hand, "you know it brings back fuzzy warm memories for you too. Don't lie to me, I can see the nostalgia on your face. I can see that icy heart melting! Let it out, Malfoy, let it out. "
"I'll tell you what I'm going to let out, Potter," he growled, and lunged. In a lucky twist, he managed to grab both Potter's hand and Astoria's leg; they both fell, flailing, into the pool next to him.
The came up at the same time. Astoria made an incomprehensible hissing noise, and Potter flipped him two fingers. Draco grinned at them for a moment and then, in full respect of his sense of self-preservation, fled.
Title: Five Times Anthony Goldstein REALLY HATED Being the Only Jew at Hogwarts
Rating: PG
A/N: I myself am Jewish; I've always wondered about this.
1.
The Annual Yes-I-Bloody-Know-It's-Christmas-Could-Someone-At-Least-Light-A-Token-Candle Feast.
2.
Every bloody goddamn Easter.
3.
Every time one his pureblooded friends mentioned that they didn't even really know what the religious aspects of the holidays they celebrated were. Because, really, they could at least do the research.
4.
While he was studying for his Bar Mitzvah during second year.
5.
In the History of Magic lessons on Grindlewald. Because yes, that had been terrible and everything for the Wizarding World, and he wasn't trivializing it, but his grandfather had died in that war. Died, because, yes, of crazy Grindlewald, but also because of crazy Hitler, and someone--considering the current climate--anyone should bring it up.
Title: Five Things Draco Wishes He'd Never Told Astoria
Rating: PG? PG-13?
1.
That he cried in a bathroom that one time. ONE TIME, and now she's charmed the mirror to say "top of the morning to ya!" and puts Post-It notes on the toilet that say strange, encouraging things like "Chip up!" and "Look on the bright side!" She laughs at him whenever he asks her about it. He suspects she's laughing when he doesn't bring it up too.
2.
That he wanted to live in New Zealand as a kid. He doesn't want to go now, it had just sounded cool to his shut-in 8-year-old brain, but she did some research and was apparently exposed to weird Muggle television as a child and now she won't shut up about Tasmanian devils and he's going to have to take her on vacation there. Draco hates leaving England; he's always a little afraid he won't be able to come back.
3.
That his favorite food is deviled eggs. The woman is a fabulous cook, deviled eggs are not that hard, how was he supposed to know that she would be absolutely pants at making them? What place has mustard in a deviled egg? What place has pickle? And now she makes them all the time and he has to choke them down if he wants to get laid. She has ruined them. RUINED them. Forever.
4.
That he'd always fantasized about doing the deed in the Ministry. Not that it wasn't absolutely glorious and not that he regretted it at all, but it was very nearly a disaster.
5.
That he didn't like the haircut she got while she was pregnant with Scorpius. He didn't like the haircut--it was a bad haircut, she would have seen that if not for the damn hormones--but he does hate to see her cry.
Title: Five Times Scorpius Malfoy Seriously Underestimated His Parents (And One Time Albus Potter Did it For Him)
Rating: PG-13
1.
The "unbreakable" locking charm on his door.
2.
The "absolutely hidden" stash of pot in his closet.
3.
The "utterly camouflaged" porn under his bed.
4.
The "completely covered" tattoo on his shoulderblade.
5.
The "we'll keep this between us" detention Professor Longbottom gave him for what he was secretly growing in back of Greenhouse Four.
(6.
"They won't know," Albus hissed, pulling in another hit, "they're in Tahiti. I can't believe you're making us whisper."
"They always know," Scorpius hissed back, "which you would know if you ever paid any attention at all to how often I get caught. They could be listening, you're supposed to be the paranoid Slytherin, and yet you're always such an idiot. And it's always your idea!"
Albus shrugged. "You always go along."
Scorpius glared at him and took the joint. "I hate you, Potter," he whispered. Then he heard it--the clicking noise of his father's signature recording charm. In spite of himself, he was cheered to know Albus would go down with him. In a rather more normal voice, he said "Did you bring condoms, then? We're high now, so we might as well go ahead while we can, they'll show up in a second."
"What--" said Albus Potter, just as Draco Malfoy, Astoria Malfoy, and his own father burst through the door.)
Title: Five Times Draco Malfoy Was Pushed Into a Pool
Rating: PG-13
1.
"Malfoy," Potter said, "you're looking a little washed out."
Draco opened his mouth to reply, and then, too late, he saw Potter's hands move. Damn him, Draco thought, damn him for always being faster than me, and then he was falling into the stupid, over-the-top pool at this stupid, over-the-top Ministry function. There is so little dignity in this, Draco thought, and held his breath.
"Potter," he snapped, when he surfaced, "I utterly fail to see why that was necessary."
Potter reached down, grabbed his hand, and hauled him out of the pool. "Now no one is looking at you like a Death Eater," he whispered, patting Draco's sopping shoulder. "Enjoy the party."
2.
This time, Draco took a few minutes under the water to contemplate his options. He could always kill Potter for sneaking up behind him--though Draco should have known his walk, should have been able to sense him coming, fool me once, etc--but there were so many witnesses. This was, after all, the house of the man everyone favored for Minister for Magic. Anyone who was anyone was here.
Which, of course, was the other problem. Draco was sure Potter had gotten him this invite, which--why? How, why? What was his deal, did he just want to push Draco into pools in public and why go to this trouble and make Draco feel beholden and--
--he surfaced, and spat water up towards Potter's face. "I suppose you've got some noble reason this time, too," he grumbled, pulling himself out of the water.
"No," Potter said, cheerfully. "Just like doing it."
"Potter," Draco said, relishing it, "next time, I will end you."
"Worth it," Potter grinned, grabbing himself a glass of champagne.
3.
"Grah!!!!" Draco cried, and hit the water. He came back up almost immediately, not really finding the sensation of being in a pool full clothed all that novel anymore. "Potter," he snapped, trying to get the water out of his eyes, "I swore last time that I would end you and I will end you. In my own pool, I shouldn't even have invited you, I cannot believe--" And then he shut up, because that woman with those curves in that red, red dress was absolutely NOT Harry Potter.
She raised a perfectly groomed, dark eyebrow at him, and took a casual sip of her cocktail. It was red too. Buh, thought Draco, gaaaah.
"If I had known" she said, in the crisp, aristocratic tones Draco had been trained to look for, "that this kind of thing happened to you regularly, I would have spent rather more effort coming up with an icebreaker. I'll have to make do, though," she added, wistfully. She held out a hand. "Astoria."
Draco stared at her for a moment. "Draco," he said, finally. He held out his own hand only to realize he'd never reach her without pulling her in. The corner of his mouth twitched.
She looked him over, pulled back her hand, and threw back her head in hysterics. He laughed with her, long and deep, and hauled himself out of the pool. "I'm going to change," he gasped, "you owe me a drink."
4.
To be fair, Scorpius's little three-year-old arms didn't really have enough force behind them to push him in. But Draco had insisted, vehemently, that he wasn't going to swim today. He couldn't back down, that was not the Malfoy way, and also then Astoria (who had said "It's 90 degrees out, Draco, you'll change your mind once you've been out there ten minutes") would gloat.
And little Scorpius had said "Daddy go in, Daddy go in!" and pushed lightly on his legs, and that, loathe though Draco was to admit it, had been really adorable. He'd let himself fall.
"Don't think I'm not onto you," Astoria called from the kitchen.
"He pushed me!" Draco yelled back. Then he laughed, and grabbed his son with wet hands. Scorpius shrieked with laughter. "Spawn go in, Spawn go in," he cried, dunking the child in the water.
Astoria came out onto the terrace. "I do wish you'd stop calling him that," she chided, but she was smiling.
5.
So, Draco thought, rationally enough, this is what it's like when they're all against you. He came up, took in a gasp of air, and went down again; no point in giving them the gratification of seeing him annoyed. He held his breath for a moment and popped back up, utterly calm.
"Well done, you two," he drawled, giving them a slow clap. "Good show. Which one of you set the trip jinx?"
Astoria smiled jauntily at him. "He made me do it," she said, and then burst out laughing. "No, I can't even say it with a straight face, it was totally my idea."
Draco scowled at her. "So I suppose," he said, turning towards Potter, "that it was you that actually felt it necessary to push me into the jinx?"
Potter grinned down at him. "Oh come on, Malfoy," he said, reaching out a hand, "you know it brings back fuzzy warm memories for you too. Don't lie to me, I can see the nostalgia on your face. I can see that icy heart melting! Let it out, Malfoy, let it out. "
"I'll tell you what I'm going to let out, Potter," he growled, and lunged. In a lucky twist, he managed to grab both Potter's hand and Astoria's leg; they both fell, flailing, into the pool next to him.
The came up at the same time. Astoria made an incomprehensible hissing noise, and Potter flipped him two fingers. Draco grinned at them for a moment and then, in full respect of his sense of self-preservation, fled.
Title: Five Times Anthony Goldstein REALLY HATED Being the Only Jew at Hogwarts
Rating: PG
A/N: I myself am Jewish; I've always wondered about this.
1.
The Annual Yes-I-Bloody-Know-It's-Christmas-Could-Someone-At-Least-Light-A-Token-Candle Feast.
2.
Every bloody goddamn Easter.
3.
Every time one his pureblooded friends mentioned that they didn't even really know what the religious aspects of the holidays they celebrated were. Because, really, they could at least do the research.
4.
While he was studying for his Bar Mitzvah during second year.
5.
In the History of Magic lessons on Grindlewald. Because yes, that had been terrible and everything for the Wizarding World, and he wasn't trivializing it, but his grandfather had died in that war. Died, because, yes, of crazy Grindlewald, but also because of crazy Hitler, and someone--considering the current climate--anyone should bring it up.
Title: Five Things Draco Wishes He'd Never Told Astoria
Rating: PG? PG-13?
1.
That he cried in a bathroom that one time. ONE TIME, and now she's charmed the mirror to say "top of the morning to ya!" and puts Post-It notes on the toilet that say strange, encouraging things like "Chip up!" and "Look on the bright side!" She laughs at him whenever he asks her about it. He suspects she's laughing when he doesn't bring it up too.
2.
That he wanted to live in New Zealand as a kid. He doesn't want to go now, it had just sounded cool to his shut-in 8-year-old brain, but she did some research and was apparently exposed to weird Muggle television as a child and now she won't shut up about Tasmanian devils and he's going to have to take her on vacation there. Draco hates leaving England; he's always a little afraid he won't be able to come back.
3.
That his favorite food is deviled eggs. The woman is a fabulous cook, deviled eggs are not that hard, how was he supposed to know that she would be absolutely pants at making them? What place has mustard in a deviled egg? What place has pickle? And now she makes them all the time and he has to choke them down if he wants to get laid. She has ruined them. RUINED them. Forever.
4.
That he'd always fantasized about doing the deed in the Ministry. Not that it wasn't absolutely glorious and not that he regretted it at all, but it was very nearly a disaster.
5.
That he didn't like the haircut she got while she was pregnant with Scorpius. He didn't like the haircut--it was a bad haircut, she would have seen that if not for the damn hormones--but he does hate to see her cry.
Title: Five Times Scorpius Malfoy Seriously Underestimated His Parents (And One Time Albus Potter Did it For Him)
Rating: PG-13
1.
The "unbreakable" locking charm on his door.
2.
The "absolutely hidden" stash of pot in his closet.
3.
The "utterly camouflaged" porn under his bed.
4.
The "completely covered" tattoo on his shoulderblade.
5.
The "we'll keep this between us" detention Professor Longbottom gave him for what he was secretly growing in back of Greenhouse Four.
(6.
"They won't know," Albus hissed, pulling in another hit, "they're in Tahiti. I can't believe you're making us whisper."
"They always know," Scorpius hissed back, "which you would know if you ever paid any attention at all to how often I get caught. They could be listening, you're supposed to be the paranoid Slytherin, and yet you're always such an idiot. And it's always your idea!"
Albus shrugged. "You always go along."
Scorpius glared at him and took the joint. "I hate you, Potter," he whispered. Then he heard it--the clicking noise of his father's signature recording charm. In spite of himself, he was cheered to know Albus would go down with him. In a rather more normal voice, he said "Did you bring condoms, then? We're high now, so we might as well go ahead while we can, they'll show up in a second."
"What--" said Albus Potter, just as Draco Malfoy, Astoria Malfoy, and his own father burst through the door.)