actual conversation at the deli with my family this morning:
Me: I had this incredibly bizarre dream last night where I was dating Andy Samberg's doppelganger--
My grandmother: Samberg, there's a nice Jewish name. You should ask this boy out! Better him then the goyim you're always bringing around.
Me: ...Andy Samberg is an actor on Saturday Night Live, Grandma.
My mother: She's kind of got a point though--no, I mean, date whoever you want, but Andy Samberg's got that New York Jew look, maybe you're attracted to that now! That'd be so nice for everyone.
My father: Says the convert.
Everyone: Hey!
My father: What? Oh, come on, don't look at me like that, I married her, I don't mean it as a bad thing. I'm just saying that you could meet a nice boy and turn him Jewish, that's all I meant.
Me: Oh my god, you guys, I'm not even dating anyone--what the hell is a "New York Jew look," Mom, do you have any idea how that--and that isn't even the weird part of the dream, how did this become--
My grandmother: We just want you to be happy, is that so wrong?
My grandfather: And a Jewish boy would make you happy.
My father: Okay, okay, let's not pile on. What was the weird part of the dream?
Me: Okay, so, this guy--who just looked like Andy Samberg, he wasn't actually Andy Samberg, and we were mostly "dating" by playing board games in his apartment--
My mother: What board games?
My father: How is that relevant?
Burrito: You didn't want to play a board game with me when you were babysitting last week!
Me: Little dude, Mario Party is not a board game, it's a video game, you'd been playing video games all day, I took you to a movie--
Burrito: I'm just saying.
My mother: Okay, sorry I asked, continue.
Me: Okay, no, so the weird part was that he was living in this college dorm, right, and he had this roommate he kept talking about who was never around, and then when I met him it was--
My grandfather: Rudy Giuliani?
Me: No--wait, Papa, why would it be--
My grandfather: Well, he shows up in my dreams a lot.
My father: Doing what?
My grandfather: Running for President, mostly.
My father: You have dreams about Rudy Giuliani running for President? He's a Republican! Don't tell me you're thinking about voting Republican again--
My grandfather: It's not an election year, I can think about voting for whoever I want--
My mother: Oh my god, okay, not going there. Who was Andy Samberg's roommate?
Me: Morgan Freeman.
My mother: No kidding?
Me: Yeah, he kicked my ass at Boggle like six times and then I woke up. This really didn't have to be that long of a story, you guys.
My father: You know what I think?
Me: I'm not sure I want to.
My father: I think--well, you know I think of Morgan Freeman as God--
Me: How many times do I have to tell you that you can't base a theological viewpoint on the movie Bruce Almighty--
My father: So I think that dream was God telling you to settle down with a nice Jewish boy.
My grandfather: I agree.
My grandmother: It's a sign.
My mother: Date whoever you want, sweetie. It would just be nice if he was Jewish, that's all we're saying.
My father: And try to make sure he likes sports this time. I never know what to talk to the artsy ones about.
Me: ....
Burrito: You gonna eat your hash browns?
HOW ARE THEY REAL, YOU GUYS, HOW IS THIS MY LIFE