i don't know what's wrong with me but i wish that it was something else
RIGHT, SO THIS IS A POST CONTAINING STUFF AND THINGS BUT NO TERRIBLE SOUTH PARK JOKES? Sorry about that; I crack myself up at 3 in the morning. Mostly I'm trying to distract myself from the Hawaii 5-0 fic that is going to get finished tomorrow instead of tonight, because it's 15K already and the penultimate scene is like, the most important in the whole story, but my brain is too fried to write it properly right now.
So, first I have a rec, and that is: Don't Carry It All, by passe_simple/harriet_vane. It's...okay, wait a second guys, hear me out...it's Jesse Eisenberg/Andrew Garfield. As in, it's TSN RPS. BUT IT'S AN AU! AND IT DOESN'T...oh my god, you guys, this is seriously one of the best stories I have read in years, and I do not read in this fandom or have any interest in it AT ALL. It just, it reads exactly like original fiction, because really in many ways it is original fiction. Basically Jesse and Andrew are just regular guys and not celebrities, and they meet through eHarmony and it's just this gorgeous heartwrenchingly human story of two people falling in love despite (and kind of because of) their neuroses, and how easy it is to fuck something up in trying your hardest and just, god. Really, really worth the read, guys. Really a lot.
Secondly, angelgazing, queen of my heart and all things brilliant, is HOSTING A MOTHERFUCKING HAWAII 5-0 CLICHE MEME. Fly over there as fast as your typing fingers can carry you, because, oh my god, all of the cliches are the best cliches, especially on a show where the leads are CANONICALLY FAKE MARRIED ♥ ♥ ♥
Thirdly, I have...um. Okay, so, sometimes two_if_by_sea and I bring out the worst in each other, right, and she linked me to this website you guys ALL HAVE TO GO TO called Better Book Titles. They give books better titles. It is the most hilarious thing of all time. NO, REALLY, LOOK:
BASICALLY, I SPENT LIKE AN HOUR TONIGHT LAUGHING UNTIL I CRIED. And when I, er, read the whole thing and got to the end we started retitling books ourselves because sometimes we're pretentious lit-nerd assholes? OR AT LEAST I AM, I CANNOT SPEAK FOR CATHY, SHE IS IN FACT A PEACH AND THIS IS NOT HER FAULT. And anyway, long story short, it somehow got around to plotting fucked up Nancy Drew porn and then I had to share it with everyone because there really is something wrong in my brain.
gyzym:
NOW I WANT TO DO MY OWN BETTER BOOK TITLES
LIKE, EAST OF EDEN:
TRY NOT TO NAME YOUR CHILDREN AFTER BIBLICAL MURDERERS
Cathy
;aslfkd;aklfd;alskjfg;lajket;lawje;
Fight Club: Bizarre Love Triangle
gyzym
JONATHAN FRANZEN'S "WRITING THIS BOOK MAKES ME A BETTER PERSON THAN YOU"
ahahahah bizarre love triange
JON KRAKAUER'S "STUPIDLY LITERAL TITLE"
Cathy
;alkj;glajk;elkja;wlej;lsdfk
Orson Scott Card's "Secretly A Mormon Fantasy About the Cold war"
gyzym
SFHJSDKFHDSJKFKSDF
cold mountain: "WALKING AND SITTING AND WALKING AND SITTING AND THEN, JUST IN CASE YOU WERE WORRYING, THEY WALK AND SIT"
Cathy
ohgod
so true a;sfdlkja
joonathan livingston seagull: the birds
gyzym
nfdjsfbsdlhfbdjsf
ibsen's "when you can't dance out your problems run from them"
Cathy
j;fajd;lkadj;flkajfds;lkajt oa;slkdf
hysterical
"and then you become a chinese feminist icon for inexplicable reasons"
gyzym
dfndjsfdjskfdsjf
OH MY GOD I HAD A THROWDOWN FIGHT WITH MY ENGLISH TEACHER IN THE 11TH GRADE ABOUT THAT
Cathy
Pushkin's "Russian People Making Nonsensical Statements"
gyzym
steinbeck's "trust your sweet slow friend, but not too much"
Cathy
;lakjfd
i would have called it
"run rabbit run"
gyzym
ahahahahah aHAHAHAHAHAHA
Cathy
wuthering heights shou'd really have been "people behaving badly towards one another"
gyzym
yes, yes, it really should have been
david mitchell's "wait, i'm sorry, what...happened..."
Cathy
HAHAHA
WAIt
WHICH DAVID MITCHELL
gyzym
CLOUD MOTHERFUCKING ATLAS
Cathy
THa;lksfdj;
yes that's what i thought
gyzym
oh my god
i seriously finished that book
and then just
stared at it
for ten minutes
like it would give up its secrets to me
I HAVE NEVER FELT SO SIMULTANEOUSLY STUPID AND IRRITATED
AT THE END OF A NOVEL
Cathy
a;sfdlkja;ldf
i have a feeling that is what i'm going to be like
when i finally finish the illumanti trilogy
or
illumniatus?
or whatever that thing is called
the book that's advertised as a long shaggy dog story
gyzym
loooooool
dan brown's NO, I NEVER GET ANY BETTER AT THIS
stephanie meyer's STALKERS ARE ROMANTIC, SWEETHEART
Cathy
as;fdlkajs;fdlkajsd;lfjasfd
followed by
BABIES ARE PARASITES
gyzym
dfhdsjfhdsfdsfhs
BUT ABORTION IS WRONG
BABIES ARE PARASITES BUT ABORTION IS WRONG
Cathy
Tuesdays With Morrie: Chicken Soup for the Reader Digest's Soul
gyzym
tuesdays with morrie: real visits to the retirement home are a lot more guilt-inducing than this
SUZE ORMAN'S "MY MONEY MAKING STRATEGY IS TOTALLY STILL WORKING YOU SUCKERS"
Cathy
Boxcar Children: Child Protective Services is for Pansies
gyzym
AJKLJFDSJGSDGHJDLGDSJGHSDLKGDKGF
Cathy
Nancy Drew: Three Girls and Their Boyfriends Play Clue
gyzym
oh my god
NANCY AND NED
Cathy
"In a change from earlier portrayals of the character, Nancy is pictured on the cover of Hit and Run Holiday (1986) in proximity to a young man, rather than a clue."
a;lskdfj
ohmygoda;slkfdj
what a hilarious caption
IN PROXIMITY TO A YOUNG MAN
RATHER THAN A CLUE!!
so scandalous
gyzym
WHAT IF HE WAS A YOUNG MAN
AND
A CLUE?
WHAT THEN
Cathy
NO
NO
IN NANCY DREW'S WORLD
YOU CANNOT BE BOTH
gyzym
WELL, I MEAN
IF THE MYSTERY IS
"HOW DID I END UP WITH CRABS"
THE YOUNG MAN
....MIGHT BE THE CLUE
Cathy
;andjf;lkaj;alkj;lagjfk;lsfkjads;lkj
NANCY DREW AND THE CASE OF THE CRABS
gyzym
dying dying dying
Cathy
solution: she went to see her gyno
gyzym
AND THEN TRACKED DOWN THE CULPRIT
Cathy
" Nancy is often dressed provocatively, in short skirts, shirts that reveal her stomach or breasts, or a bathing suit. She is always pictured with an attentive, handsome male in the background, and frequently appears aware of and interested in that male."
a;sfdklajs;fd
wait
what
i have never seen
a cover of nancy drew
where they expoed
HER BREASTS
gyzym
THOSE WERE THE XXX EDITIONS, CATHY
Cathy
OH
gyzym
DID YOUR PARENTS NOT GET YOU THOSE?
Cathy
OH I SEE
NO
APPARENTLY NOT
a;kjsfd;alkd
I AM JUST SAYIN'
I FEE LIKE
I WAS DEPRIVED
OF BREAST-EXPOSING NANCY DREW
gyzym
WELL I FEEL LIKE I WAS DEPRIVED OF THE BACKSTORY
BETWEEN NANCY
AND HER "FRIEND" GEORGE
GIRL-GEORGE
WHO WAS ALWAYS AROUND
LOOKIN' FOR CLUES
I'M JUST SAYING, THERE WAS A PULP NOVEL THERE
WAAAAAITING TO HAPPEN
Cathy
RIGHT??
and i also loved that like
their boyfriends
were the most generic things
ever
liek they were just
three
really nice guys
and i never knew who was who
gyzym
oh my god i know i know
they literally existed to like
show up and break down doors occasionally
or be a plot device to locate nancy near a mystery
Cathy
YES
gyzym
THAT IS ALL THEY EVER DID
Cathy
EXACTLY
and then they would disappear
and i'd be like
BUT
BUT WHO ARE YOU
gyzym
YOU KNOW WHAT I WANT
Cathy
oh god
this si going to end in
nancy drew porn
isn't it
gyzym
PROBABLY
but
i want to write the grown up nancy drew where like
all of the crime solving has made her
CRAZY PARANOID and she's like, a serial cheater because she needs something to distract herself from how much she hates being a 50's housewife
Cathy
a;sdfj;askdjl;a
a;slfkdj;saf
ohmygod ;alsfkdj;asldfk
gyzym
AND SHE AND GEORGE
ARE TOTALLY DOING IT
IN HER BACK GARDEN
Cathy
OF COURSE THEY ARE
gyzym
WHILE NED IS OFF AT WORK
Cathy
a;sdlfkj
gyzym
SMILING HIS MILLION DOLLAR SMILE AND BEING SO GODDAMN NICE ALL THE TIME
Cathy
i want a fic where nancy is a stepford wife
gyzym
SOME DAYS SHE WANTS TO KILL HIM
SHE COULD DO IT.
Cathy
a;lsfdkja;
gyzym
SHE KNOWS HOW MURDERS WORK.
Cathy
omg what if
she like
has this elaborate fantasy
where she kills him
and she thinks she carries it out
but it ends up
she's just going cdrazy
hallucinates the whole thing
gyzym
oh my god, it's like fucked up nancy drew meets cuckoo's nest meets the yellow wallpaper djfdjhfds
Cathy
YES
EXACTLY
she has george convinced
that she's killed ned
gyzym
dhfsdjfhjsdf
she has been
LEAVING CLUES
Cathy
yes
YES
it's like
the reverse
of the books
she leaves these clues
so george can solve
the crime
and the crime is SHE KILLED NED
but she really didn't....
gyzym
fdsjfhsdjkfhjdsfs
cathy
how do i get myself into these messes cathy
Cathy
well
you probably start with an idea
like
"i've always wante do twrite
a story
where nancy drew
is ini her 30s
and has sex with george"
and then thirty minutes later
gyzym
....
i think tonight's lesson is
that i am my own worst enemy
So, first I have a rec, and that is: Don't Carry It All, by passe_simple/harriet_vane. It's...okay, wait a second guys, hear me out...it's Jesse Eisenberg/Andrew Garfield. As in, it's TSN RPS. BUT IT'S AN AU! AND IT DOESN'T...oh my god, you guys, this is seriously one of the best stories I have read in years, and I do not read in this fandom or have any interest in it AT ALL. It just, it reads exactly like original fiction, because really in many ways it is original fiction. Basically Jesse and Andrew are just regular guys and not celebrities, and they meet through eHarmony and it's just this gorgeous heartwrenchingly human story of two people falling in love despite (and kind of because of) their neuroses, and how easy it is to fuck something up in trying your hardest and just, god. Really, really worth the read, guys. Really a lot.
Secondly, angelgazing, queen of my heart and all things brilliant, is HOSTING A MOTHERFUCKING HAWAII 5-0 CLICHE MEME. Fly over there as fast as your typing fingers can carry you, because, oh my god, all of the cliches are the best cliches, especially on a show where the leads are CANONICALLY FAKE MARRIED ♥ ♥ ♥
Thirdly, I have...um. Okay, so, sometimes two_if_by_sea and I bring out the worst in each other, right, and she linked me to this website you guys ALL HAVE TO GO TO called Better Book Titles. They give books better titles. It is the most hilarious thing of all time. NO, REALLY, LOOK:
BASICALLY, I SPENT LIKE AN HOUR TONIGHT LAUGHING UNTIL I CRIED. And when I, er, read the whole thing and got to the end we started retitling books ourselves because sometimes we're pretentious lit-nerd assholes? OR AT LEAST I AM, I CANNOT SPEAK FOR CATHY, SHE IS IN FACT A PEACH AND THIS IS NOT HER FAULT. And anyway, long story short, it somehow got around to plotting fucked up Nancy Drew porn and then I had to share it with everyone because there really is something wrong in my brain.
gyzym:
NOW I WANT TO DO MY OWN BETTER BOOK TITLES
LIKE, EAST OF EDEN:
TRY NOT TO NAME YOUR CHILDREN AFTER BIBLICAL MURDERERS
Cathy
;aslfkd;aklfd;alskjfg;lajket;lawje;
Fight Club: Bizarre Love Triangle
gyzym
JONATHAN FRANZEN'S "WRITING THIS BOOK MAKES ME A BETTER PERSON THAN YOU"
ahahahah bizarre love triange
JON KRAKAUER'S "STUPIDLY LITERAL TITLE"
Cathy
;alkj;glajk;elkja;wlej;lsdfk
Orson Scott Card's "Secretly A Mormon Fantasy About the Cold war"
gyzym
SFHJSDKFHDSJKFKSDF
cold mountain: "WALKING AND SITTING AND WALKING AND SITTING AND THEN, JUST IN CASE YOU WERE WORRYING, THEY WALK AND SIT"
Cathy
ohgod
so true a;sfdlkja
joonathan livingston seagull: the birds
gyzym
nfdjsfbsdlhfbdjsf
ibsen's "when you can't dance out your problems run from them"
Cathy
j;fajd;lkadj;flkajfds;lkajt oa;slkdf
hysterical
"and then you become a chinese feminist icon for inexplicable reasons"
gyzym
dfndjsfdjskfdsjf
OH MY GOD I HAD A THROWDOWN FIGHT WITH MY ENGLISH TEACHER IN THE 11TH GRADE ABOUT THAT
Cathy
Pushkin's "Russian People Making Nonsensical Statements"
gyzym
steinbeck's "trust your sweet slow friend, but not too much"
Cathy
;lakjfd
i would have called it
"run rabbit run"
gyzym
ahahahahah aHAHAHAHAHAHA
Cathy
wuthering heights shou'd really have been "people behaving badly towards one another"
gyzym
yes, yes, it really should have been
david mitchell's "wait, i'm sorry, what...happened..."
Cathy
HAHAHA
WAIt
WHICH DAVID MITCHELL
gyzym
CLOUD MOTHERFUCKING ATLAS
Cathy
THa;lksfdj;
yes that's what i thought
gyzym
oh my god
i seriously finished that book
and then just
stared at it
for ten minutes
like it would give up its secrets to me
I HAVE NEVER FELT SO SIMULTANEOUSLY STUPID AND IRRITATED
AT THE END OF A NOVEL
Cathy
a;sfdlkja;ldf
i have a feeling that is what i'm going to be like
when i finally finish the illumanti trilogy
or
illumniatus?
or whatever that thing is called
the book that's advertised as a long shaggy dog story
gyzym
loooooool
dan brown's NO, I NEVER GET ANY BETTER AT THIS
stephanie meyer's STALKERS ARE ROMANTIC, SWEETHEART
Cathy
as;fdlkajs;fdlkajsd;lfjasfd
followed by
BABIES ARE PARASITES
gyzym
dfhdsjfhdsfdsfhs
BUT ABORTION IS WRONG
BABIES ARE PARASITES BUT ABORTION IS WRONG
Cathy
Tuesdays With Morrie: Chicken Soup for the Reader Digest's Soul
gyzym
tuesdays with morrie: real visits to the retirement home are a lot more guilt-inducing than this
SUZE ORMAN'S "MY MONEY MAKING STRATEGY IS TOTALLY STILL WORKING YOU SUCKERS"
Cathy
Boxcar Children: Child Protective Services is for Pansies
gyzym
AJKLJFDSJGSDGHJDLGDSJGHSDLKGDKGF
Cathy
Nancy Drew: Three Girls and Their Boyfriends Play Clue
gyzym
oh my god
NANCY AND NED
Cathy
"In a change from earlier portrayals of the character, Nancy is pictured on the cover of Hit and Run Holiday (1986) in proximity to a young man, rather than a clue."
a;lskdfj
ohmygoda;slkfdj
what a hilarious caption
IN PROXIMITY TO A YOUNG MAN
RATHER THAN A CLUE!!
so scandalous
gyzym
WHAT IF HE WAS A YOUNG MAN
AND
A CLUE?
WHAT THEN
Cathy
NO
NO
IN NANCY DREW'S WORLD
YOU CANNOT BE BOTH
gyzym
WELL, I MEAN
IF THE MYSTERY IS
"HOW DID I END UP WITH CRABS"
THE YOUNG MAN
....MIGHT BE THE CLUE
Cathy
;andjf;lkaj;alkj;lagjfk;lsfkjads;lkj
NANCY DREW AND THE CASE OF THE CRABS
gyzym
dying dying dying
Cathy
solution: she went to see her gyno
gyzym
AND THEN TRACKED DOWN THE CULPRIT
Cathy
" Nancy is often dressed provocatively, in short skirts, shirts that reveal her stomach or breasts, or a bathing suit. She is always pictured with an attentive, handsome male in the background, and frequently appears aware of and interested in that male."
a;sfdklajs;fd
wait
what
i have never seen
a cover of nancy drew
where they expoed
HER BREASTS
gyzym
THOSE WERE THE XXX EDITIONS, CATHY
Cathy
OH
gyzym
DID YOUR PARENTS NOT GET YOU THOSE?
Cathy
OH I SEE
NO
APPARENTLY NOT
a;kjsfd;alkd
I AM JUST SAYIN'
I FEE LIKE
I WAS DEPRIVED
OF BREAST-EXPOSING NANCY DREW
gyzym
WELL I FEEL LIKE I WAS DEPRIVED OF THE BACKSTORY
BETWEEN NANCY
AND HER "FRIEND" GEORGE
GIRL-GEORGE
WHO WAS ALWAYS AROUND
LOOKIN' FOR CLUES
I'M JUST SAYING, THERE WAS A PULP NOVEL THERE
WAAAAAITING TO HAPPEN
Cathy
RIGHT??
and i also loved that like
their boyfriends
were the most generic things
ever
liek they were just
three
really nice guys
and i never knew who was who
gyzym
oh my god i know i know
they literally existed to like
show up and break down doors occasionally
or be a plot device to locate nancy near a mystery
Cathy
YES
gyzym
THAT IS ALL THEY EVER DID
Cathy
EXACTLY
and then they would disappear
and i'd be like
BUT
BUT WHO ARE YOU
gyzym
YOU KNOW WHAT I WANT
Cathy
oh god
this si going to end in
nancy drew porn
isn't it
gyzym
PROBABLY
but
i want to write the grown up nancy drew where like
all of the crime solving has made her
CRAZY PARANOID and she's like, a serial cheater because she needs something to distract herself from how much she hates being a 50's housewife
Cathy
a;sdfj;askdjl;a
a;slfkdj;saf
ohmygod ;alsfkdj;asldfk
gyzym
AND SHE AND GEORGE
ARE TOTALLY DOING IT
IN HER BACK GARDEN
Cathy
OF COURSE THEY ARE
gyzym
WHILE NED IS OFF AT WORK
Cathy
a;sdlfkj
gyzym
SMILING HIS MILLION DOLLAR SMILE AND BEING SO GODDAMN NICE ALL THE TIME
Cathy
i want a fic where nancy is a stepford wife
gyzym
SOME DAYS SHE WANTS TO KILL HIM
SHE COULD DO IT.
Cathy
a;lsfdkja;
gyzym
SHE KNOWS HOW MURDERS WORK.
Cathy
omg what if
she like
has this elaborate fantasy
where she kills him
and she thinks she carries it out
but it ends up
she's just going cdrazy
hallucinates the whole thing
gyzym
oh my god, it's like fucked up nancy drew meets cuckoo's nest meets the yellow wallpaper djfdjhfds
Cathy
YES
EXACTLY
she has george convinced
that she's killed ned
gyzym
dhfsdjfhjsdf
she has been
LEAVING CLUES
Cathy
yes
YES
it's like
the reverse
of the books
she leaves these clues
so george can solve
the crime
and the crime is SHE KILLED NED
but she really didn't....
gyzym
fdsjfhsdjkfhjdsfs
cathy
how do i get myself into these messes cathy
Cathy
well
you probably start with an idea
like
"i've always wante do twrite
a story
where nancy drew
is ini her 30s
and has sex with george"
and then thirty minutes later
gyzym
....
i think tonight's lesson is
that i am my own worst enemy