I've got a fever, and the only prescription is MOAR COWBELL
DEAR EVERYONE:
I know there are several of you in need of a good laugh lately, and you are in luck, because after the afternoon I've had, I feel compelled to tell the tale of Possibly The Most Ridiculously Hilarious Thing My Family Has Ever Done. And it has some pretty steep competition--there was The Time We Convinced A Hapless Floridian Waiter We Were Drew Carey's Next Door Neighbors, and who could forget The Time My Father Paid Me Twenty Dollars To Take A Bite of a Raw Turnip In The Middle of The Grocery Store And Then Insist To Random Strangers That It Was The Best Apple I'd Ever Had, and then of course The Time My Then-Six-Year-Old Brother Introduced Himself To His New Camp Counselor As Kipper Millennium Von Trapp. But I honestly...I think this one takes the cake.
However, none of it will make any sense of you have not seen the "More Cowbell" SNL sketch. Also, if you have not seen the "More Cowbell" SNL sketch, YOU ARE MISSING OUT ON ONE OF LIFE'S GREATEST JOYS. Thus:
More Cowbell! - watch more funny videos
Okay, so this story *actually* starts back in August, when my family went on vacation and my youngest brother left his Nintendo DS on the plane flying home. Which, okay, was tragic enough to begin with, but it also had his Super Mario Brothers game in it, which he'd had for literally years and which he had unlocked all of the levels on. There was some heartbreak. There was some caterwauling. There was some calling the airline and begging for assistance, but, alas, it was to no avail. The thing was well and truly lost.
So, TODAY, I went to Target to meet my mother and do some holiday shopping with her, because she hates to shop alone and I tend to get free shit when I go along. And she informs me that she intends to get the little one a new DS and a new copy of the Mario game as his big Chanukah present.
She then spends an extremely long time explaining to me the places she has visited in seeking the best deal, and how she thinks that the answer is Sam's Club, but we've always been CostCo members and she doesn't want to drive all the way out there, it's so far and there will be so many people and she's called them and there's a one day pass but she'd have to wait in a line and--
"Mom," I say, because oh my god my brain is melting out of my ears, "I will go to Sam's Club and buy the thing."
Short version of a long story: she gives me cash, I go out there, they do not have the right thing but are EXTREMELY unhelpful, I go to CD/Game Exchange, where they have the Mario game but not the gaming system on which to play it. Then I get in my car, at which point I get a call from my father, and the hilarity begins.
My Father: Hey. Did you end up getting the kid a Chanukah present for us?
Me: No? I got the game, but you can't give him the game without the gaming system, that's just cruel. Doesn't Mom have options?
My Father: Yeah, but she doesn't like any of them. Can you stop somewhere and pick up a cowbell?
Me: A...cowbell.
My Father: Yeah, for his drum set.
Me: His drum set is missing something...and the only cure is more cowbell?
My Father: Did I forget to mention that he has a fever?
Me: *Laughs hysterically*
My Father: *Gets off-topic, harasses me for 15 minutes about what movie he and my mom should go see tonight, makes me walk him through using Rotten Tomatoes over the phone, makes several unkind jokes about Diane Keaton that I am not going to repeat*
Me: No, look, seriously, I am outside the music store. Do you actually want me to go buy a cowbell?
My Father: I said I did, didn't I?
Me: Yeah, but I'm kind of thinking this is some sort of extended cowbell joke.
My Father: Oh don't even try that shit, you know you're looking forward to actually getting to buy one.
Me: Well, yeah, but only because I'm going to say, "Hello, I have a fever, could you please show me to your cowbell section?"
My Father: I WILL PAY YOU MONEY IF YOU ACTUALLY DO THAT
Me: I am not actually going to do that.
My Father: I would!
Me: But you have no shame. Although, again, that does beg the question of why you're not just buying this yourself--this is a joke, isn't it? I'm going to give it to you and you're gonna be all, "LOL I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU BOUGHT THE COWBELL."
My Father: That would be the best practical joke ever.
Me: I'm not paying you guys back if this is an elaborate hoax.
My Father: Just buy the fucking cowbell, will you?
So we hang up, right, and I go into the store, where there is actually a wide selection of cowbells. I choose one, trying not to think of Will Ferrell's stomach and Christopher Walken in those ridiculous purple sunglasses, and go up to the counter, where the SERIOUSLY AWESOME employee looks at my selection, looks at me, and has the following interaction with me while maintaining a completely straight face:
Best Sam Ash Employee OF ALL TIME: I'm terribly sorry to see you're not feeling well.
Utterly Delighted Me: Yeah, it's a real bummer, I've got this fever I can't seem to shake.
Best Sam Ash Employee OF ALL TIME: THANK GOD YOU CAME HERE, the item you have selected is the only known cure.
Utterly Delighted Me: *Maybe falls in love a little bit*
OKAY, SO, I LEAVE THE STORE, THRILLED WITH THE WORLD AND EVERYTHING IN IT, CLUTCHING THE COWBELL IN MY LEFT HAND LIKE SPOILS OF WAR, WHEN MY PHONE RINGS. And I look at the caller ID, and it is my 19 year old brother, who is at school and thus not even in this city right now, so I answer it.
Me: Hello?
My Brother: MOOOOOOOOOOOOORE COWBELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!
In conclusion, my family is crazy, awesome, and crazy awesome, and now I am off to take my very happy baby brother (who knows not of the cowbell sketch and is just thrilled to add to his drum set) to a delicious dinner :D
I know there are several of you in need of a good laugh lately, and you are in luck, because after the afternoon I've had, I feel compelled to tell the tale of Possibly The Most Ridiculously Hilarious Thing My Family Has Ever Done. And it has some pretty steep competition--there was The Time We Convinced A Hapless Floridian Waiter We Were Drew Carey's Next Door Neighbors, and who could forget The Time My Father Paid Me Twenty Dollars To Take A Bite of a Raw Turnip In The Middle of The Grocery Store And Then Insist To Random Strangers That It Was The Best Apple I'd Ever Had, and then of course The Time My Then-Six-Year-Old Brother Introduced Himself To His New Camp Counselor As Kipper Millennium Von Trapp. But I honestly...I think this one takes the cake.
However, none of it will make any sense of you have not seen the "More Cowbell" SNL sketch. Also, if you have not seen the "More Cowbell" SNL sketch, YOU ARE MISSING OUT ON ONE OF LIFE'S GREATEST JOYS. Thus:
More Cowbell! - watch more funny videos
Okay, so this story *actually* starts back in August, when my family went on vacation and my youngest brother left his Nintendo DS on the plane flying home. Which, okay, was tragic enough to begin with, but it also had his Super Mario Brothers game in it, which he'd had for literally years and which he had unlocked all of the levels on. There was some heartbreak. There was some caterwauling. There was some calling the airline and begging for assistance, but, alas, it was to no avail. The thing was well and truly lost.
So, TODAY, I went to Target to meet my mother and do some holiday shopping with her, because she hates to shop alone and I tend to get free shit when I go along. And she informs me that she intends to get the little one a new DS and a new copy of the Mario game as his big Chanukah present.
She then spends an extremely long time explaining to me the places she has visited in seeking the best deal, and how she thinks that the answer is Sam's Club, but we've always been CostCo members and she doesn't want to drive all the way out there, it's so far and there will be so many people and she's called them and there's a one day pass but she'd have to wait in a line and--
"Mom," I say, because oh my god my brain is melting out of my ears, "I will go to Sam's Club and buy the thing."
Short version of a long story: she gives me cash, I go out there, they do not have the right thing but are EXTREMELY unhelpful, I go to CD/Game Exchange, where they have the Mario game but not the gaming system on which to play it. Then I get in my car, at which point I get a call from my father, and the hilarity begins.
My Father: Hey. Did you end up getting the kid a Chanukah present for us?
Me: No? I got the game, but you can't give him the game without the gaming system, that's just cruel. Doesn't Mom have options?
My Father: Yeah, but she doesn't like any of them. Can you stop somewhere and pick up a cowbell?
Me: A...cowbell.
My Father: Yeah, for his drum set.
Me: His drum set is missing something...and the only cure is more cowbell?
My Father: Did I forget to mention that he has a fever?
Me: *Laughs hysterically*
My Father: *Gets off-topic, harasses me for 15 minutes about what movie he and my mom should go see tonight, makes me walk him through using Rotten Tomatoes over the phone, makes several unkind jokes about Diane Keaton that I am not going to repeat*
Me: No, look, seriously, I am outside the music store. Do you actually want me to go buy a cowbell?
My Father: I said I did, didn't I?
Me: Yeah, but I'm kind of thinking this is some sort of extended cowbell joke.
My Father: Oh don't even try that shit, you know you're looking forward to actually getting to buy one.
Me: Well, yeah, but only because I'm going to say, "Hello, I have a fever, could you please show me to your cowbell section?"
My Father: I WILL PAY YOU MONEY IF YOU ACTUALLY DO THAT
Me: I am not actually going to do that.
My Father: I would!
Me: But you have no shame. Although, again, that does beg the question of why you're not just buying this yourself--this is a joke, isn't it? I'm going to give it to you and you're gonna be all, "LOL I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU BOUGHT THE COWBELL."
My Father: That would be the best practical joke ever.
Me: I'm not paying you guys back if this is an elaborate hoax.
My Father: Just buy the fucking cowbell, will you?
So we hang up, right, and I go into the store, where there is actually a wide selection of cowbells. I choose one, trying not to think of Will Ferrell's stomach and Christopher Walken in those ridiculous purple sunglasses, and go up to the counter, where the SERIOUSLY AWESOME employee looks at my selection, looks at me, and has the following interaction with me while maintaining a completely straight face:
Best Sam Ash Employee OF ALL TIME: I'm terribly sorry to see you're not feeling well.
Utterly Delighted Me: Yeah, it's a real bummer, I've got this fever I can't seem to shake.
Best Sam Ash Employee OF ALL TIME: THANK GOD YOU CAME HERE, the item you have selected is the only known cure.
Utterly Delighted Me: *Maybe falls in love a little bit*
OKAY, SO, I LEAVE THE STORE, THRILLED WITH THE WORLD AND EVERYTHING IN IT, CLUTCHING THE COWBELL IN MY LEFT HAND LIKE SPOILS OF WAR, WHEN MY PHONE RINGS. And I look at the caller ID, and it is my 19 year old brother, who is at school and thus not even in this city right now, so I answer it.
Me: Hello?
My Brother: MOOOOOOOOOOOOORE COWBELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!
In conclusion, my family is crazy, awesome, and crazy awesome, and now I am off to take my very happy baby brother (who knows not of the cowbell sketch and is just thrilled to add to his drum set) to a delicious dinner :D