(no subject)
Okay, guys. I'm going to post, of all things, a Robert Fischer fic in a bit here, because I write in times of stress (which, lol, lol, lol, is such a misleading statement--I write in times of [fill in emotion here], but I digress), but I wanted to make a final post on the topic of those mistakes I made first. I learned a lot in the process of reading/answering comments yesterday, and there were some quick things I wanted to share before we hopefully put this business to bed?
First and foremost: Thank you guys so much for, by and large, being mature and fabulous about this whole thing. Your support means the world to me, of course, but even more important is the dialogue that's going on over in that post, about how we write POC of fic and what racism is and means and how much intent does/does not matter, etc. These are conversations that need to be had and if I had to fuck up to make them happen, then that's okay. NOT that I mean the fuck up was okay--of course, it wasn't--but I'm so glad to see everyone talking about these things, and so grateful to all of you for taking the time to do so.
Secondly: I hugely appreciate all of the love, and please know that when I say this next thing I am not attempting to belittle or disregard your great kindness, or downplay how much it has warmed my heart. But in response to the sentiment that I don't have anything to apologize for: the truth is that I did, and I do. In the words of the great angelgazing, admittedly in an entirely different context, I don't come to fandom to feel bad. I don't think you guys do either. And what I wrote made people feel bad--it made them feel attacked and unsafe and stereotyped and wronged, and so it was wrong. I didn't intend to be racist, and I think you guys know that--I didn't intend to be hurtful, and I think you guys know that too. But it doesn't matter, because I was anyway, and I hurt people, and as such the apology was and is necessary. So thank you, thank you, thank you for trying to comfort me, it mean so much to me and I appreciate it, but the apology was warranted and will continue to be warranted.
Thirdly: On the topic of the "setting a fic about torture in [X country] is or isn't racist" --I was not clear enough on that issue. When it was brought up to me that the India thing could be problematic, it was partially because of the connotations of someone British being tortured in India [there's a long history of unpleasantness between those nations], and considering the previous issue had been with the same country, I decided it best to change it. The other problem is that I used the words "militarized" and "physical military presence." I meant it in the context in which it is used in the movie (i.e., "his mind is militarized"), and intended to suggest that a privatized guard in the employ of the mark had done the torturing. But, because the word "military" implies, well, military, it naturally read as though the countries' government had done the torturing. I have removed the word military from the story entirely.
Now, I've had some questions as to why I changed the location to Poland, and the truth is that I picked it because my own heritage is rooted there. That said, it is a privatized guard in the employ of the mark doing the torturing. It could have been set in any country, because these things have to happen somewhere and can happen anywhere. The bit about the scent of the food triggering bad memories is just an association thing--as in, I was in a place where these smells were common when I was in a lot of pain, and now they trigger those memories. Like: I love bagels more than life itself, but I still can't eat bagels and whitefish because of the time I got the stomach flu a few hours after eating one. That kind of thing.
Fourthly: Speaking of the smell thing--I never, ever meant to imply that Indian food is "stinky" or smells bad. I know I did imply that anyway, and I am still terribly sorry, and what I am about to say is not an excuse, but I do want to explain more clearly: I literally do not possess a sense of smell. One of many stories that illustrates the truth of this: when I was maybe 16, the basement of my house flooded, and the crew that came in to clean it out unplugged the extra fridge we kept down there to avoid electrocution. They forgot to plug it back in. This wouldn't have been a problem except for the fact that a) my mother (who also doesn't have a sense of smell) and I were the only people who ever spent any time in the basement and b) it was empty except for the 20 lb. turkey in the freezer. She and I were both down there for hours every day, and nothing was done until three and a half weeks later, when my father opened the basement door to try to hunt down the odd scent that he said had permeated the kitchen, made it down two steps, ran outside and was sick. We had to call the fire department. They had to remove the entire fridge. Wearing gas masks. My mother and I had both been down there that morning, totally unaware.
Suffice to say, I don't have an opinion on the smell of Indian food because I have never, ever smelled it, despite having eaten and loved it on MANY occasions. This does not in any way shape or form make what I wrote okay, but just so you guys know that this whole thing isn't my frantic attempt to back-peddle and cover up my super sekkrit hate of India/the smell of Indian food or anything--seriously, seriously, no smelling, not ever, not once in my whole life.
Lastly: I think I'm probably skipping some stuff here, and I apologize for that. But my last few points are--thanks so much for telling me not to beat myself up, all of you who have said that, and I promise I'm not as frazzled as I sound. I'm embarrassed and I'm very sorry, but I've learned from this and grown as a person and am grateful for it. bossymarmalade and I had a conversation, and there are no hard feelings between us, and by and large I really do think it turned out okay.
I have disabled comments on this post, because this post is about me, mostly, and me and my thoughts and feelings are not what this discussion should be centered around. Please feel free to continue the discussion on the original post--if I have not replied to a comment it's because I missed it, or because I didn't feel I could add anything to the discussion. I'd love to see the conversation go on in respect to the ways we deal with cultures that differ from our own in fandom, because that's a discussion that needs to be had. My only rule is that we keep that space clean of any bashing on anyone, because that is just not what I am about.
To conclude with a point I made in that convo with Bossy, which will be going into my userinfo and my masterpost shortly: guys, if I fuck up or say something hurtful or do something wrong, please please please don't think twice about telling me. I will never spew hate at you, I will never attack you, and I will always thank you and make the change. Always. &hearts
First and foremost: Thank you guys so much for, by and large, being mature and fabulous about this whole thing. Your support means the world to me, of course, but even more important is the dialogue that's going on over in that post, about how we write POC of fic and what racism is and means and how much intent does/does not matter, etc. These are conversations that need to be had and if I had to fuck up to make them happen, then that's okay. NOT that I mean the fuck up was okay--of course, it wasn't--but I'm so glad to see everyone talking about these things, and so grateful to all of you for taking the time to do so.
Secondly: I hugely appreciate all of the love, and please know that when I say this next thing I am not attempting to belittle or disregard your great kindness, or downplay how much it has warmed my heart. But in response to the sentiment that I don't have anything to apologize for: the truth is that I did, and I do. In the words of the great angelgazing, admittedly in an entirely different context, I don't come to fandom to feel bad. I don't think you guys do either. And what I wrote made people feel bad--it made them feel attacked and unsafe and stereotyped and wronged, and so it was wrong. I didn't intend to be racist, and I think you guys know that--I didn't intend to be hurtful, and I think you guys know that too. But it doesn't matter, because I was anyway, and I hurt people, and as such the apology was and is necessary. So thank you, thank you, thank you for trying to comfort me, it mean so much to me and I appreciate it, but the apology was warranted and will continue to be warranted.
Thirdly: On the topic of the "setting a fic about torture in [X country] is or isn't racist" --I was not clear enough on that issue. When it was brought up to me that the India thing could be problematic, it was partially because of the connotations of someone British being tortured in India [there's a long history of unpleasantness between those nations], and considering the previous issue had been with the same country, I decided it best to change it. The other problem is that I used the words "militarized" and "physical military presence." I meant it in the context in which it is used in the movie (i.e., "his mind is militarized"), and intended to suggest that a privatized guard in the employ of the mark had done the torturing. But, because the word "military" implies, well, military, it naturally read as though the countries' government had done the torturing. I have removed the word military from the story entirely.
Now, I've had some questions as to why I changed the location to Poland, and the truth is that I picked it because my own heritage is rooted there. That said, it is a privatized guard in the employ of the mark doing the torturing. It could have been set in any country, because these things have to happen somewhere and can happen anywhere. The bit about the scent of the food triggering bad memories is just an association thing--as in, I was in a place where these smells were common when I was in a lot of pain, and now they trigger those memories. Like: I love bagels more than life itself, but I still can't eat bagels and whitefish because of the time I got the stomach flu a few hours after eating one. That kind of thing.
Fourthly: Speaking of the smell thing--I never, ever meant to imply that Indian food is "stinky" or smells bad. I know I did imply that anyway, and I am still terribly sorry, and what I am about to say is not an excuse, but I do want to explain more clearly: I literally do not possess a sense of smell. One of many stories that illustrates the truth of this: when I was maybe 16, the basement of my house flooded, and the crew that came in to clean it out unplugged the extra fridge we kept down there to avoid electrocution. They forgot to plug it back in. This wouldn't have been a problem except for the fact that a) my mother (who also doesn't have a sense of smell) and I were the only people who ever spent any time in the basement and b) it was empty except for the 20 lb. turkey in the freezer. She and I were both down there for hours every day, and nothing was done until three and a half weeks later, when my father opened the basement door to try to hunt down the odd scent that he said had permeated the kitchen, made it down two steps, ran outside and was sick. We had to call the fire department. They had to remove the entire fridge. Wearing gas masks. My mother and I had both been down there that morning, totally unaware.
Suffice to say, I don't have an opinion on the smell of Indian food because I have never, ever smelled it, despite having eaten and loved it on MANY occasions. This does not in any way shape or form make what I wrote okay, but just so you guys know that this whole thing isn't my frantic attempt to back-peddle and cover up my super sekkrit hate of India/the smell of Indian food or anything--seriously, seriously, no smelling, not ever, not once in my whole life.
Lastly: I think I'm probably skipping some stuff here, and I apologize for that. But my last few points are--thanks so much for telling me not to beat myself up, all of you who have said that, and I promise I'm not as frazzled as I sound. I'm embarrassed and I'm very sorry, but I've learned from this and grown as a person and am grateful for it. bossymarmalade and I had a conversation, and there are no hard feelings between us, and by and large I really do think it turned out okay.
I have disabled comments on this post, because this post is about me, mostly, and me and my thoughts and feelings are not what this discussion should be centered around. Please feel free to continue the discussion on the original post--if I have not replied to a comment it's because I missed it, or because I didn't feel I could add anything to the discussion. I'd love to see the conversation go on in respect to the ways we deal with cultures that differ from our own in fandom, because that's a discussion that needs to be had. My only rule is that we keep that space clean of any bashing on anyone, because that is just not what I am about.
To conclude with a point I made in that convo with Bossy, which will be going into my userinfo and my masterpost shortly: guys, if I fuck up or say something hurtful or do something wrong, please please please don't think twice about telling me. I will never spew hate at you, I will never attack you, and I will always thank you and make the change. Always. &hearts