rice: 2, burro: 0
So I think I told you guys that last time he was in town, Burro asked me to teach him to make Lipton Chicken Rice, but I'm not sure. Whether I did or not, the point stands: last time he was in town, Burro asked me to teach him to make Lipton Chicken Rice. For those of you playing along at home, that's the shit with the instructions printed on the back of the package. They're not hard instructions. In fact, they are, for all intents and purposes: "Dump this shit in some water and cook it til it's done."
Despite the fact that the instructions are clearly printed, I am a good big sister, and I did take the time to teach my brother to follow them. This is part of why the following conversation, had mere minutes ago, is so painful.
My Phone: Dr. Spaceman Calling! [NB: Unlike the names "Burro" and "Burrito," which I made up to use on the internet, my brother's name in my phone is actually "Dr. Spaceman." This is in reference to the time we got really blazed and watched the entire second season of 30 Rock; it seemed hilarious then, and I never changed it back. Last I checked, I was in his phone as "WHERE'S MY SANDWICH," and, due to an unrelated incident, both my parents have me listed in their phones as "Beans."]
Me: Hey dude!
Burro: Hey, I need your help. I'm making that chicken rice stuff and I don't know how long to cook it.
Me: ...how long...does it say...on the back of the package...
Burro: Seven minutes, but it's already been cooking for a few minutes and it still looks too runny to eat.
Me: That's because it's not done yet, you have to give it--
Burro: Oh, wait! Do I have to put it in a colinda?
Me: A...do you mean a colander?
Burro: Is that the thing with the holes in it?
Me: Oh my god.
Burro: Does that mean I don't have to use one?
Me: I...just...no. No, you don't, when it's done cooking you just let it sit for a minute or two and the sauce will firm up a little bit.
Burro: Oh, okay. Next question: it says to cook it on low, how low does it mean?
Me ....Christ, okay. How many settings are there on your stove?
Burro It says "high" and then it goes down from 9 to 1.
Me: Okay, it should be on like two.
Burro: Shit, I have it on five!
Me: No worries, that stuff's pretty resilient. Just turn it down, it'll be done a little sooner.
Burro: Wait, how much sooner? How will I know when it's done!?
Me: ...taste...it?
Burro: But it'll be all HOT!
Me: Oh my GOD, just stick a fork in it and pull some out and blow on it!
Burro: ....I think I'm just going to cook it for seven minutes like it says on the package.
AND THEN HE HUNG UP. I THINK THIS IS THE MOST FRIGHTENING CONVERSATION WE'VE EVER HAD, AND I KNOW YOU GUYS KNOW IT HAS COMPETITION. OH MY GODDDDDDDDDD
Despite the fact that the instructions are clearly printed, I am a good big sister, and I did take the time to teach my brother to follow them. This is part of why the following conversation, had mere minutes ago, is so painful.
My Phone: Dr. Spaceman Calling! [NB: Unlike the names "Burro" and "Burrito," which I made up to use on the internet, my brother's name in my phone is actually "Dr. Spaceman." This is in reference to the time we got really blazed and watched the entire second season of 30 Rock; it seemed hilarious then, and I never changed it back. Last I checked, I was in his phone as "WHERE'S MY SANDWICH," and, due to an unrelated incident, both my parents have me listed in their phones as "Beans."]
Me: Hey dude!
Burro: Hey, I need your help. I'm making that chicken rice stuff and I don't know how long to cook it.
Me: ...how long...does it say...on the back of the package...
Burro: Seven minutes, but it's already been cooking for a few minutes and it still looks too runny to eat.
Me: That's because it's not done yet, you have to give it--
Burro: Oh, wait! Do I have to put it in a colinda?
Me: A...do you mean a colander?
Burro: Is that the thing with the holes in it?
Me: Oh my god.
Burro: Does that mean I don't have to use one?
Me: I...just...no. No, you don't, when it's done cooking you just let it sit for a minute or two and the sauce will firm up a little bit.
Burro: Oh, okay. Next question: it says to cook it on low, how low does it mean?
Me ....Christ, okay. How many settings are there on your stove?
Burro It says "high" and then it goes down from 9 to 1.
Me: Okay, it should be on like two.
Burro: Shit, I have it on five!
Me: No worries, that stuff's pretty resilient. Just turn it down, it'll be done a little sooner.
Burro: Wait, how much sooner? How will I know when it's done!?
Me: ...taste...it?
Burro: But it'll be all HOT!
Me: Oh my GOD, just stick a fork in it and pull some out and blow on it!
Burro: ....I think I'm just going to cook it for seven minutes like it says on the package.
AND THEN HE HUNG UP. I THINK THIS IS THE MOST FRIGHTENING CONVERSATION WE'VE EVER HAD, AND I KNOW YOU GUYS KNOW IT HAS COMPETITION. OH MY GODDDDDDDDDD