(no subject)
So I am posting today.
More as some attempt at a theraputic purging of all the random crap that is building up inside that i really don't have the luxury of getting out any other way. I've realized lately that i really don't get out enough... I find myself very awkward when dealing with people in any other way than that usual client/stylist relation that i am getting used to. Work has been dead lately. Actually i dream every day of doing something else... I dream every day of anything else really. Thats what it's come down to... i Just spend every day lost in my mind i don't call anyone to find someone to hang out with. I don't go out... I don't do a thing but work and sleep and wait for the weekend to come... then for what? a few hours of time to spend with mike here and there when i am not working... and then maybe a day off spent at the salon doing staff hair for free...
My last few attempts to reach out to old friends have left me with only "you should cut my hair sometime" or "if i do this or that (color wise) what will happen/will my hair be too fried" I am tired of this... this is not the way to get me to hang out with me...
I recently saw jami tatlock and natalie airey/ whatever her married name is.
I just got to see jami so that i could do her hair for her wedding... it was fine and it looked great and everyone loved it and that's not the issue... the problem is that i went to her bridal shower and didn't know a sole there and i felt so removed from the whole thing. that's the way i always feel... on the outside looking in... I try to be helpful and useful and thoughtful of others... but yet i still feel so disconected. There is no way for me to get someone to hang out with me it seems... you know the way people used to... just come over and hang... ever since mike left and i had to come back to this place... i'm so lost... i've lost myself and i've lose everything i was working on...
I was just starting to try to get things together and reach out and try to make friends... I always feel so alone... you know? If something happened to me that i needed someone to talk to about i really don't think i could find anyone....... So alone..... yes not alone enough to make me comfortable... mom went away for a while and i realized how much i was missing my alone time... i am so sick of trying to work around her... i hate how she bursts into my room all the time like i can't have a moment of privacy... i mean i got home at 7 and i can count at least 8 interruptions since then. and she has been in bed for an hour.
I really cant do this anymore i feel myself breaking down... everytime i am not focused on something i cry for seemingly no reason. i can't have a moments peace... i'm broke because work is slow and i can't live on my own because of it... i feel so powerless.
More as some attempt at a theraputic purging of all the random crap that is building up inside that i really don't have the luxury of getting out any other way. I've realized lately that i really don't get out enough... I find myself very awkward when dealing with people in any other way than that usual client/stylist relation that i am getting used to. Work has been dead lately. Actually i dream every day of doing something else... I dream every day of anything else really. Thats what it's come down to... i Just spend every day lost in my mind i don't call anyone to find someone to hang out with. I don't go out... I don't do a thing but work and sleep and wait for the weekend to come... then for what? a few hours of time to spend with mike here and there when i am not working... and then maybe a day off spent at the salon doing staff hair for free...
My last few attempts to reach out to old friends have left me with only "you should cut my hair sometime" or "if i do this or that (color wise) what will happen/will my hair be too fried" I am tired of this... this is not the way to get me to hang out with me...
I recently saw jami tatlock and natalie airey/ whatever her married name is.
I just got to see jami so that i could do her hair for her wedding... it was fine and it looked great and everyone loved it and that's not the issue... the problem is that i went to her bridal shower and didn't know a sole there and i felt so removed from the whole thing. that's the way i always feel... on the outside looking in... I try to be helpful and useful and thoughtful of others... but yet i still feel so disconected. There is no way for me to get someone to hang out with me it seems... you know the way people used to... just come over and hang... ever since mike left and i had to come back to this place... i'm so lost... i've lost myself and i've lose everything i was working on...
I was just starting to try to get things together and reach out and try to make friends... I always feel so alone... you know? If something happened to me that i needed someone to talk to about i really don't think i could find anyone....... So alone..... yes not alone enough to make me comfortable... mom went away for a while and i realized how much i was missing my alone time... i am so sick of trying to work around her... i hate how she bursts into my room all the time like i can't have a moment of privacy... i mean i got home at 7 and i can count at least 8 interruptions since then. and she has been in bed for an hour.
I really cant do this anymore i feel myself breaking down... everytime i am not focused on something i cry for seemingly no reason. i can't have a moments peace... i'm broke because work is slow and i can't live on my own because of it... i feel so powerless.