This is just my brain barfing out my thoughts
Sometimes I have these moments where I feel like I'm waking up from a dream and I've just been dropped into this life, which is funny because I've been doing things to create the life I have now. Like I just realize, "Oh my god, I'm a self-sufficient adult with a job. I have an apartment and bills and a family who cares about me and wants me to bring a pie to Thanksgiving and a boyfriend and other people who care about me. There are people who like me? I graduated college?" I don't know how to explain it. It sounds stupid probably. I'm just amazed at how much of my life is actually dependent on things I do, rather than have done to me. Maybe I just have this mindset because I come from a dysfunctional family, and when you're a kid, you don't have too much control over what happens to you. You learn that nothing is stable and to expect anything. And I do mean anything.
So all week I've been sick, and I've been working and sleeping a lot (and playing KH: 385/2 days, which I would be playing right now if I wasn't writing this). Also, I guess I am an adult now, and I realize that I miss the world view/optimism I had as a kid. What's different is that I believe in just about nothing now, as opposed to everything then, and there's also just that feeling of possibility. You have your whole life ahead of you, and you're told again and again that "you can be anything you want to be." I can't believe I'm even saying this when it's not like I'm eighty or anything. I'm twenty-two. And there are plenty of awesome eighty-year-olds out there doing amazing things for the first time in their lives still.
If I ever start disliking Christmas and/or stop getting excited over it, I really will have to be sad. I don't believe in heaven or god or Santa, and I'm not sure if we have souls (the idea that we might just die and turn to dirt scares the crap out of me), and I'm pretty sure there is a monster sleeping inside all of us and the hungriest ones sometimes sleep in the unlikeliest of places - but Christmas is awesome. I'm always the first to wake up, and I get everybody else up. I love how I can be as cheesy and tacky as possible this one day of the year, and it's encouraged. Everyone has a sense of purpose on that day and is so happy, and the same things happen pretty much every year and it doesn't bother me. Feel the nostalgia~ Oh, and there is EGG NOG and fruitcake and I like both of those because I'm a freak. Last year, my dad drunkenly hit a fire hydrant in the FJ Cruiser, and it still didn't mess up my Christmas groove.
I'm going with my roommate to work tomorrow - she wants to go to Tim Hortons, and work is right next to there, so I get to sleep in and not have to do the two hour bus thing. ♥ YIP YIP.
I hope you all had a good Halloween. I spent mine in the hospital with Ben because he had a Crohn's Disease attack. He was in there for a few days. Then he suddenly showed up at my work with his parents and a rat trap, because they thought it was funny that I told them that those traps freak me out. I refused to take it, and they refused to take it back. So my manager played with it ("Look, I can make it jump! God, I love this thing."), and it snapped on his thumb. This is probably the first job I've had where my bosses don't suck.
So all week I've been sick, and I've been working and sleeping a lot (and playing KH: 385/2 days, which I would be playing right now if I wasn't writing this). Also, I guess I am an adult now, and I realize that I miss the world view/optimism I had as a kid. What's different is that I believe in just about nothing now, as opposed to everything then, and there's also just that feeling of possibility. You have your whole life ahead of you, and you're told again and again that "you can be anything you want to be." I can't believe I'm even saying this when it's not like I'm eighty or anything. I'm twenty-two. And there are plenty of awesome eighty-year-olds out there doing amazing things for the first time in their lives still.
If I ever start disliking Christmas and/or stop getting excited over it, I really will have to be sad. I don't believe in heaven or god or Santa, and I'm not sure if we have souls (the idea that we might just die and turn to dirt scares the crap out of me), and I'm pretty sure there is a monster sleeping inside all of us and the hungriest ones sometimes sleep in the unlikeliest of places - but Christmas is awesome. I'm always the first to wake up, and I get everybody else up. I love how I can be as cheesy and tacky as possible this one day of the year, and it's encouraged. Everyone has a sense of purpose on that day and is so happy, and the same things happen pretty much every year and it doesn't bother me. Feel the nostalgia~ Oh, and there is EGG NOG and fruitcake and I like both of those because I'm a freak. Last year, my dad drunkenly hit a fire hydrant in the FJ Cruiser, and it still didn't mess up my Christmas groove.
I'm going with my roommate to work tomorrow - she wants to go to Tim Hortons, and work is right next to there, so I get to sleep in and not have to do the two hour bus thing. ♥ YIP YIP.
I hope you all had a good Halloween. I spent mine in the hospital with Ben because he had a Crohn's Disease attack. He was in there for a few days. Then he suddenly showed up at my work with his parents and a rat trap, because they thought it was funny that I told them that those traps freak me out. I refused to take it, and they refused to take it back. So my manager played with it ("Look, I can make it jump! God, I love this thing."), and it snapped on his thumb. This is probably the first job I've had where my bosses don't suck.