Desire
In a relationship, is it better to be wanted, or to be needed? Many song lyrics make an inordinate deal out of needing someone, declaring extravagantly how one's life cannot be lived without the other. I've been thinking about dependency, and addiction, and character.
I've come to the conclusion that I'd rather be wanted than needed. The things we appreciate the most in life are not things that we need. That which makes us happy is seldom needed. What satisfies us is typically the things that we want--a book or a toy or a good meal. While we have an intellectual appreciation for oxygen, having air to breathe is rarely enough to make us happy.
Need, to me, connotes dependency. A crutch, so to speak. While the idea of pining away if your lover dies is melodramatically sweet, it's also quite a waste. Now, I'm not saying that you cannot rely on someone else, or depend on them for certain things. To base one's happiness and well-being entirely upon someone else seems like putting all your eggs in one basket.
I would rather be wanted than needed. I think it would be the sincerest form of flattery. To know that the other person stays with me not because I fill some void, or complete them, like a missing gear in a clock or the keystone of their arch, but because they simply desire me. They've looked around, seen what else there is, and decided upon me, and continue to choose me, despite what others are around them.
I think I'd want someone who is strongly independent. Someone with a forceful personality and a strong will that picked me simply because. I feel like if I died today and she couldn't walk away and live a happy, fulfilling life without me (eventually, at least), then there's something wrong with her or I. Through some insidious and invidious character manipulation, I've made her into an irredeemable addict of some kind, no longer in control of her own cravings and behavior. Brain chemistry run amok.
This ideal, perhaps, is a bond like family. I think the ultimate achievement (and the most difficult) for a parent is to realize that their child no longer needs them to be happy. Of course, the parent and the child are still happy together, but happiness and survival are no longer contingent upon the parent being present.
This ideal of mine lies beyond reason and calculation. Your reasons for being together aren't really ones that can be enumerated, like "They complete me", "I could not live without them", or "I married because now I don't have to work anymore". Instead, it comes down to simple desire. To want, in an ineffable way, to be with the person, and to have every other reason to subordinate to that overarching principle.
I've come to the conclusion that I'd rather be wanted than needed. The things we appreciate the most in life are not things that we need. That which makes us happy is seldom needed. What satisfies us is typically the things that we want--a book or a toy or a good meal. While we have an intellectual appreciation for oxygen, having air to breathe is rarely enough to make us happy.
Need, to me, connotes dependency. A crutch, so to speak. While the idea of pining away if your lover dies is melodramatically sweet, it's also quite a waste. Now, I'm not saying that you cannot rely on someone else, or depend on them for certain things. To base one's happiness and well-being entirely upon someone else seems like putting all your eggs in one basket.
I would rather be wanted than needed. I think it would be the sincerest form of flattery. To know that the other person stays with me not because I fill some void, or complete them, like a missing gear in a clock or the keystone of their arch, but because they simply desire me. They've looked around, seen what else there is, and decided upon me, and continue to choose me, despite what others are around them.
I think I'd want someone who is strongly independent. Someone with a forceful personality and a strong will that picked me simply because. I feel like if I died today and she couldn't walk away and live a happy, fulfilling life without me (eventually, at least), then there's something wrong with her or I. Through some insidious and invidious character manipulation, I've made her into an irredeemable addict of some kind, no longer in control of her own cravings and behavior. Brain chemistry run amok.
This ideal, perhaps, is a bond like family. I think the ultimate achievement (and the most difficult) for a parent is to realize that their child no longer needs them to be happy. Of course, the parent and the child are still happy together, but happiness and survival are no longer contingent upon the parent being present.
This ideal of mine lies beyond reason and calculation. Your reasons for being together aren't really ones that can be enumerated, like "They complete me", "I could not live without them", or "I married because now I don't have to work anymore". Instead, it comes down to simple desire. To want, in an ineffable way, to be with the person, and to have every other reason to subordinate to that overarching principle.