What if this is all there is?
Tonight reality has trickled down the panes of my existance, creating these streaks to forever mar the clarity of my visions... I'm soaked to the core, sopping wet to the barren,bitter bone with cold, hard desolate truths...
What have I done that makes me so unlovable? Am I really THAT bad of a person that God doesn't want me to have love? I'm easily tiring of excuses and theories. I'm learning to face my truths and realities. I hate this one. I hate the big fat cloud of reality that shattered over my head this weekend... I have a pit of guilt and foreboding burning in my belly...
Hearing her questionin her faith in such a desperate,pleading, panicing way last night has really been branded on my heart. I will never forget that moment...when she was the one I have always admired and looked up to...That is scaring me and making me doubt,too. I'm on shaky faith legs as it is...I was doing so good since I got home, but now I feel like things are in utter disarray...and I'm alone on top of it. I don't mean boyfriendless. I mean completely alone in this whole wide huge world...Nobody "gets" it anymore. I used to have the strongest circle of friends here, but I feel like I just don't belong there anymore, I have grown...
I hope he realizes not to run.. he knows I'm right, that's why he asked me what to do. He needed someone to tell him that running isn't the answer. But I hope he listens to me. I tend to be right about these things. Actually, I am always right about these things. I just have "knowings". I don't think they come from inside of me really. The right words just pour out of my mouth, and I am always so impressed with my "wisdom". That's why people ask me. I knew. I wish I had wisdom for myself, but it never pans out because I never listen to what I have to say to myself.
sorry, I try to not write depressing things in here anymore, but this wekend was rough....A lot has happened, both externally and internally and I am trying to deal quietly. The fourth of July tends to do this to me,anyway.
What have I done that makes me so unlovable? Am I really THAT bad of a person that God doesn't want me to have love? I'm easily tiring of excuses and theories. I'm learning to face my truths and realities. I hate this one. I hate the big fat cloud of reality that shattered over my head this weekend... I have a pit of guilt and foreboding burning in my belly...
Hearing her questionin her faith in such a desperate,pleading, panicing way last night has really been branded on my heart. I will never forget that moment...when she was the one I have always admired and looked up to...That is scaring me and making me doubt,too. I'm on shaky faith legs as it is...I was doing so good since I got home, but now I feel like things are in utter disarray...and I'm alone on top of it. I don't mean boyfriendless. I mean completely alone in this whole wide huge world...Nobody "gets" it anymore. I used to have the strongest circle of friends here, but I feel like I just don't belong there anymore, I have grown...
I hope he realizes not to run.. he knows I'm right, that's why he asked me what to do. He needed someone to tell him that running isn't the answer. But I hope he listens to me. I tend to be right about these things. Actually, I am always right about these things. I just have "knowings". I don't think they come from inside of me really. The right words just pour out of my mouth, and I am always so impressed with my "wisdom". That's why people ask me. I knew. I wish I had wisdom for myself, but it never pans out because I never listen to what I have to say to myself.
sorry, I try to not write depressing things in here anymore, but this wekend was rough....A lot has happened, both externally and internally and I am trying to deal quietly. The fourth of July tends to do this to me,anyway.