l-o-v-e's not what this was.
i have too many thoughts. i have problems organizing them. my fingers cant type as fast as i think, so i miss a lot. lets try to keep up.
my life love is... actually existent. it hasnt been for years, really. theres something happening. id like ot say its caused by a spike in my self confidence- ive noticed a difference. ive always kinda felt really good about myself, but these days its manifesting itself in me being more confident with people (who knew i had issues with people, right? but i get shy, just like anybody else. i just hide it better). like tday, i had a class and this guy was in my small group and i didnt have lunch plans and i asked him what he was up to and he said "probably just gonna go home and cook something" and i said to him "well here, come get lunch with me" and he did. i dont wanna date him or anything, but i think i made a new friend. nicest guy. very polite, very much a gentleman. we just ate and chatted and he went home when i went to do homework. and i asked him without thinking- i just decided i wanted not to be alone for lunch so i kidnapped him. yay-face. self confidence is a win.
so along with this self confidence comes this spring in my love life. lets count, shall we:
1) my wife. which i intend to do something about. someday. when i get the guts. but i talked to her today- thats gotta count for something. with people that dont matter, i can have game. i kinda act a fool and they love it. but her- she matters. i become 12 yrs old with braces and acne. but today was good- we spoke for a hot second and i didnt stutter and i made her laugh. like seriously laugh. and shes funny- its not always easy to make a funny person laugh. but she did. she laughed. damn i'm charming. i'd date me. possibly? maybe not. i actually have no idea. anyway. she smiled at me and said hi. like a BIG smile. i love that. shes got a real smile. ugh, i really could go on and on and on and on... basically i am smitten and intend to make her a friend. somehow. oh gracious.
2) my boyfriend. yes, i still have one of those. i kinda hated this idea in the beginning, i felt like i was being trapped and i grew resentful of being cornered into a realtionsip- even if it is a totally open one. still. i didnt like this ultimatium i seemed to get from him. but now- ive given it some time. im actually falling for him more than i did before. it feels ok now. it feels safe. its nice to know hes there and really always will be there. win.
3) mel. i kinda had my eye on her for a couple weeks and thought she was adorable. problem was my friend also felt that way. my friend told me she wouldnt do anything to come onto her and she played by the rules, but mel ended up kissing her at the end of the night. i was drunk and my friends around me kept asking "wow, you look SO dissappointed." when i'm drunk i cant hide my emotions. so by the next day i had forgotten about it and figured i had no chance. thing is, i dont want a realtionship with her. just kinda wanna... play. but yes anyway- so we're at the bar and she keeps calling me beautiful and gorgeous and im digging it. we end up kissing. win. a few times that night. i do intend to repeat it multiple times in the future. HA i know nothing about my future except that i wanna kiss mel again. at least i have a plan.
4) indian girl. met this gorgeous indian girl last night. never have had a brown girl before- i am so curious! j said "are you sure you werent so drunk u werent just looking in a mirror?" love that boy. but yea- a lil brown might be lovely... mmm... shes adopted and americanized like me. thats SUCH a win. i hate real indians from the motherland! oh oh oh and shes jewish! i think i have a tiny jew fettish... is that llowed? we'll find out.
5) jeremy. poor boy asked me on a date. i can't say no to a guy that's THAT nice. if he were a jerk hat would be different. but NO- he's super sweet. so we'll see. r said just get free dinner out of it. we'll see how bitchy i actually am. but no, this one's probably not going to go anywhere.
6) esther. i feel something for this girl, im just not sure what. again, not a real dating thing, just kinda a good time. also a jew, win. shes sexy. im not sure how she feels about me, but i'd like to know. i mean, she and i are soooo touchy feely and i just dont kno what to do with it. i dont want her to think that i'm not interested- cuz i am, i am. i just really dont kno what to do. again, 12 yrs old with braces and acne. gross. but her... mmm... shes got these eyes. and i THINK she digs me, but idk. we've drunkenly made out before- im sad to say i do not remember it. i'm just so lost with whta to do with her. i havent been real drunk around her in a while- thats where my confidence comes from. we'll see. she's not going anywhere- she's one of ours.
so there. a list of 6. one i want to marry, one i probably will marry, one i'm gonna have to dumb, and 3 i wanna just fool around with. legit list? im 21, it better as hell be.
damn. long post. shorter ones from now on.
cheers.
my life love is... actually existent. it hasnt been for years, really. theres something happening. id like ot say its caused by a spike in my self confidence- ive noticed a difference. ive always kinda felt really good about myself, but these days its manifesting itself in me being more confident with people (who knew i had issues with people, right? but i get shy, just like anybody else. i just hide it better). like tday, i had a class and this guy was in my small group and i didnt have lunch plans and i asked him what he was up to and he said "probably just gonna go home and cook something" and i said to him "well here, come get lunch with me" and he did. i dont wanna date him or anything, but i think i made a new friend. nicest guy. very polite, very much a gentleman. we just ate and chatted and he went home when i went to do homework. and i asked him without thinking- i just decided i wanted not to be alone for lunch so i kidnapped him. yay-face. self confidence is a win.
so along with this self confidence comes this spring in my love life. lets count, shall we:
1) my wife. which i intend to do something about. someday. when i get the guts. but i talked to her today- thats gotta count for something. with people that dont matter, i can have game. i kinda act a fool and they love it. but her- she matters. i become 12 yrs old with braces and acne. but today was good- we spoke for a hot second and i didnt stutter and i made her laugh. like seriously laugh. and shes funny- its not always easy to make a funny person laugh. but she did. she laughed. damn i'm charming. i'd date me. possibly? maybe not. i actually have no idea. anyway. she smiled at me and said hi. like a BIG smile. i love that. shes got a real smile. ugh, i really could go on and on and on and on... basically i am smitten and intend to make her a friend. somehow. oh gracious.
2) my boyfriend. yes, i still have one of those. i kinda hated this idea in the beginning, i felt like i was being trapped and i grew resentful of being cornered into a realtionsip- even if it is a totally open one. still. i didnt like this ultimatium i seemed to get from him. but now- ive given it some time. im actually falling for him more than i did before. it feels ok now. it feels safe. its nice to know hes there and really always will be there. win.
3) mel. i kinda had my eye on her for a couple weeks and thought she was adorable. problem was my friend also felt that way. my friend told me she wouldnt do anything to come onto her and she played by the rules, but mel ended up kissing her at the end of the night. i was drunk and my friends around me kept asking "wow, you look SO dissappointed." when i'm drunk i cant hide my emotions. so by the next day i had forgotten about it and figured i had no chance. thing is, i dont want a realtionship with her. just kinda wanna... play. but yes anyway- so we're at the bar and she keeps calling me beautiful and gorgeous and im digging it. we end up kissing. win. a few times that night. i do intend to repeat it multiple times in the future. HA i know nothing about my future except that i wanna kiss mel again. at least i have a plan.
4) indian girl. met this gorgeous indian girl last night. never have had a brown girl before- i am so curious! j said "are you sure you werent so drunk u werent just looking in a mirror?" love that boy. but yea- a lil brown might be lovely... mmm... shes adopted and americanized like me. thats SUCH a win. i hate real indians from the motherland! oh oh oh and shes jewish! i think i have a tiny jew fettish... is that llowed? we'll find out.
5) jeremy. poor boy asked me on a date. i can't say no to a guy that's THAT nice. if he were a jerk hat would be different. but NO- he's super sweet. so we'll see. r said just get free dinner out of it. we'll see how bitchy i actually am. but no, this one's probably not going to go anywhere.
6) esther. i feel something for this girl, im just not sure what. again, not a real dating thing, just kinda a good time. also a jew, win. shes sexy. im not sure how she feels about me, but i'd like to know. i mean, she and i are soooo touchy feely and i just dont kno what to do with it. i dont want her to think that i'm not interested- cuz i am, i am. i just really dont kno what to do. again, 12 yrs old with braces and acne. gross. but her... mmm... shes got these eyes. and i THINK she digs me, but idk. we've drunkenly made out before- im sad to say i do not remember it. i'm just so lost with whta to do with her. i havent been real drunk around her in a while- thats where my confidence comes from. we'll see. she's not going anywhere- she's one of ours.
so there. a list of 6. one i want to marry, one i probably will marry, one i'm gonna have to dumb, and 3 i wanna just fool around with. legit list? im 21, it better as hell be.
damn. long post. shorter ones from now on.
cheers.