Psych/Zombieland work-in-progress crossover
I emailed this to a couple of people yesterday, but it amuses me, so I'm posting it here in the hopes that I'll actually be motivated to finish it.
I still don't know how this is all gonna fit together, so for now it's just a series of random disconnected scenes that may or may not even be in order.
_____
"I keep telling you, it's not looting if you pay for things. You left at least twice what this stuff was worth." Shawn dug through the bag of liberated groceries and came up with a slightly ancient packet of beef jerky. "Besides, we only took what we needed."
"You needed a copy of Sports Illustrated and a Sham-Wow?"
"I might!"
Gus shook his head. "I still can't believe you're eating that stuff."
"I had a serious protein craving. Besides, this is dried. I thought germs needed moisture."
"Shawn."
"Look, buddy, it's sweet that you're still worried about me catching zombiepox, but all that stressing can't be good for you. Woah, hey, pull over."
Gus brought the car to a halt next to the wreckage of a late-model sedan. From the looks of things, it had run off the road some time ago. "What are we looking at?"
Shawn simply pointed as a small, dirty spaniel-type dog crawled out from under the car, limping painfully on its back leg.
Gus looked at Shawn sympathetically. "We really need to get back soon."
"I know, but he's hurt, Gus. You're not seriously saying we should leave him here."
He sighed. "No, I'm not. But try to hurry."
Shawn approached the dog, only to be met by a low growl. "Easy, fella. We're here to help."
"I think he's protecting the car."
Shawn crouched down, holding a piece of jerky out as a peace offering. "Hey, boy. I bet you're hungry, huh? Not a lot of Kibbles and Bits out here."
The dog scooted forward, apparently trying to decide whether Shawn could be trusted. Finally, hunger overcame fear as he gobbled down the meat.
"Attaboy." Shawn scooped up the dog in his arms, feeding it the rest of the jerky. "That wasn't so bad, was it?"
"Uh, Shawn?"
"What?"
"That dog's a girl."
____
[[ I'm not sure exactly where this fits into the fic, but it's easily the most bittersweet thing I've ever written. ]]
"Jules, open up, it's me."
From behind the door, Lassiter's voice echoed from somewhere deep within the station. "Password, O'Hara!"
He couldn't quite hear Juliet's frustrated sigh, but he could imagine it. "Sorry Shawn. He's not letting that go."
Shawn rolled his eyes, staring up at the sky. "John Wayne."
There was a rattle of chains being unlocked and then Juliet was standing in front of him, still clad in riot gear. "You came back."
"Uh. Temporarily, yeah. Can I come in?"
"Oh! Of course." She pushed the door open further to allow him access.
"We brought you some stuff. You know, supplies and whatnot."
Juliet reached into the bag, smiling slightly as she pulled out a roll of toilet paper. "Two-ply. Classy."
"Well, you know, nothing's too good for you."
She looked into his eyes, suddenly blinking back tears. "I really wish you didn't have to go."
"Me too." He wrapped his arms around her as she hugged him fiercely. "Tell Lassie I said bye, okay?"
"I will." Her voice was muffled against his shoulder. "Give Gus my love."
"Will do." He pulled back as she regained her composure. "Sucks being the last ones standing, doesn't it?"
"So much." She chuckled grimly as she leaned in and kissed his cheek. "Stay safe."
"You too."
___
[[and this is after they team up with the ZLand crew. I'm still not sure how that's going to work.]]
"Are we about ready to get our asses out of here?"
"Wait!" Shawn held up a hand. "I can't believe I almost forgot!" He grabbed a cart and sprinted back down the aisle. Tallahassee tilted his head, trying to figure out what he was after.
"Canned pineapple?"
"Only because there aren't any fresh ones left," Gus explained with a shrug. "And believe me, he's looked."
"That is just fuckin' bizarre."
"Says the man with the Twinkie addiction," Columbus retorted.
"Eh. Fair point."
When they pulled out of the parking lot of the Pik N' Save, it was with a trunk full of ammo, dog food and Dole cans.
____
Shawn knocked on the door of the cabin, shuffling his feet nervously.He was only just realizing how much he'd been dreading what they might find. He let out a breath as he heard a familiar voice.
"State your name and business."
"Dad, it's me."
There was a pause as the door opened a crack. "Prove it."
Shawn bit back a sarcastic remark, figuring it was likely to get him shot. "When I was nine, you grounded me for a week after I broke a window playing indoor frisbee."
The door opened and Shawn was surprised to find himself caught up in a bear hug. "Uh. Okay. Good to see you too, Dad."
"You had me worried." Somehow the ragged edge to his father's voice frightened Shawn more than mindless, diseased cannibals or life without TiVo. "Get in here, quick."
"Yeah. Come on, guys!"
The look on his father's face as five other people and a dog filed past him was almost worth the trip.
I still don't know how this is all gonna fit together, so for now it's just a series of random disconnected scenes that may or may not even be in order.
_____
"I keep telling you, it's not looting if you pay for things. You left at least twice what this stuff was worth." Shawn dug through the bag of liberated groceries and came up with a slightly ancient packet of beef jerky. "Besides, we only took what we needed."
"You needed a copy of Sports Illustrated and a Sham-Wow?"
"I might!"
Gus shook his head. "I still can't believe you're eating that stuff."
"I had a serious protein craving. Besides, this is dried. I thought germs needed moisture."
"Shawn."
"Look, buddy, it's sweet that you're still worried about me catching zombiepox, but all that stressing can't be good for you. Woah, hey, pull over."
Gus brought the car to a halt next to the wreckage of a late-model sedan. From the looks of things, it had run off the road some time ago. "What are we looking at?"
Shawn simply pointed as a small, dirty spaniel-type dog crawled out from under the car, limping painfully on its back leg.
Gus looked at Shawn sympathetically. "We really need to get back soon."
"I know, but he's hurt, Gus. You're not seriously saying we should leave him here."
He sighed. "No, I'm not. But try to hurry."
Shawn approached the dog, only to be met by a low growl. "Easy, fella. We're here to help."
"I think he's protecting the car."
Shawn crouched down, holding a piece of jerky out as a peace offering. "Hey, boy. I bet you're hungry, huh? Not a lot of Kibbles and Bits out here."
The dog scooted forward, apparently trying to decide whether Shawn could be trusted. Finally, hunger overcame fear as he gobbled down the meat.
"Attaboy." Shawn scooped up the dog in his arms, feeding it the rest of the jerky. "That wasn't so bad, was it?"
"Uh, Shawn?"
"What?"
"That dog's a girl."
____
[[ I'm not sure exactly where this fits into the fic, but it's easily the most bittersweet thing I've ever written. ]]
"Jules, open up, it's me."
From behind the door, Lassiter's voice echoed from somewhere deep within the station. "Password, O'Hara!"
He couldn't quite hear Juliet's frustrated sigh, but he could imagine it. "Sorry Shawn. He's not letting that go."
Shawn rolled his eyes, staring up at the sky. "John Wayne."
There was a rattle of chains being unlocked and then Juliet was standing in front of him, still clad in riot gear. "You came back."
"Uh. Temporarily, yeah. Can I come in?"
"Oh! Of course." She pushed the door open further to allow him access.
"We brought you some stuff. You know, supplies and whatnot."
Juliet reached into the bag, smiling slightly as she pulled out a roll of toilet paper. "Two-ply. Classy."
"Well, you know, nothing's too good for you."
She looked into his eyes, suddenly blinking back tears. "I really wish you didn't have to go."
"Me too." He wrapped his arms around her as she hugged him fiercely. "Tell Lassie I said bye, okay?"
"I will." Her voice was muffled against his shoulder. "Give Gus my love."
"Will do." He pulled back as she regained her composure. "Sucks being the last ones standing, doesn't it?"
"So much." She chuckled grimly as she leaned in and kissed his cheek. "Stay safe."
"You too."
___
[[and this is after they team up with the ZLand crew. I'm still not sure how that's going to work.]]
"Are we about ready to get our asses out of here?"
"Wait!" Shawn held up a hand. "I can't believe I almost forgot!" He grabbed a cart and sprinted back down the aisle. Tallahassee tilted his head, trying to figure out what he was after.
"Canned pineapple?"
"Only because there aren't any fresh ones left," Gus explained with a shrug. "And believe me, he's looked."
"That is just fuckin' bizarre."
"Says the man with the Twinkie addiction," Columbus retorted.
"Eh. Fair point."
When they pulled out of the parking lot of the Pik N' Save, it was with a trunk full of ammo, dog food and Dole cans.
____
Shawn knocked on the door of the cabin, shuffling his feet nervously.He was only just realizing how much he'd been dreading what they might find. He let out a breath as he heard a familiar voice.
"State your name and business."
"Dad, it's me."
There was a pause as the door opened a crack. "Prove it."
Shawn bit back a sarcastic remark, figuring it was likely to get him shot. "When I was nine, you grounded me for a week after I broke a window playing indoor frisbee."
The door opened and Shawn was surprised to find himself caught up in a bear hug. "Uh. Okay. Good to see you too, Dad."
"You had me worried." Somehow the ragged edge to his father's voice frightened Shawn more than mindless, diseased cannibals or life without TiVo. "Get in here, quick."
"Yeah. Come on, guys!"
The look on his father's face as five other people and a dog filed past him was almost worth the trip.