Change of Plans
Okay, so when I first set this up I was going to use it as a personal journal... Keep my friends in the loop and such. See what was happening, where people were and such. I have been thinking a bit lately about a few things. I belong now to Crackbook, which means I spend less and less time here. So, I have decided to change what I am using this for. I am now going to starting posting as the Skinny Girl Trapped in a Fat Girl's Body. I am going to try and use this as a place to vent my frustrations at having been a professional model, and being the person I am now. I will post photos of myself from then and from now, so that people can see where I am coming from. I will have good things to say here, and bad things too. Anyone who does not want to hear them, can just remove themselves from reading NOW! These are my thoughts and feelings on being the person I am now. Not who I was, or who I wish I were. I will probably vent a lot of my big, bad, ugly secrets from my past, but this is only to give perspective on the person that is now.
So, this is who I am today. I am a mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend, and hopefully some day in the near future a wife. I have three children, ages 16, 15 and 12. I placed the 16 and 12 year old with a family that I adore and who I know is taking the most amazing care of them when they were born. The 15 year old lives with me, and I have made her my sole reason for being in the last 15 years. I am trying to make sure she knows that will not continue to be the case, as she is starting to come to an age where she needs to be for herself now. I am lucky enough to have my mother in my life, even though I know in her eyes I have not always made the best choices... We have agreed to disagree more often than not. I have an older brother, whom I don't spend near enough time with, and a younger sister, who as much as we make each other mental, she is still my friend. My brother has a wonderful wife and three amazing children, whom I wish I knew better. I am currently engaged to be married to the man whom I have been sharing my life with for the last three years.
The person I used to be, which is why I am taking a different track on my journal, is a professional model. I didn't do much in the way of work, because I chose school to be my focus instead of modeling. It was a decision I will still make to this day. I was a size 4-6. I know most people wouldn't fit into that size for the life of them, but like it or not, that was me. I thought of myself as beautiful, once I finished living in a small town that is... I thought the world was my oyster and I could do what I wanted with it. I did, for a few years. Then I had my first daughter, and realizing that I could not keep in school and be a parent at the same time, I made plans for her to go to the family she lives with now. I figured that I would go on with my life that way. I tried getting back into modeling, but it just didn't have the same draw for me. I looked at becoming a make-up artist. I went back to school, and had my second daughter. I finished school this time, although I still have no idea how. I became an accredited Esthetician. I took another make-up artistry course over and above the one from the Esthetics School. I thought I would be able to work easily in the city I lived in. Not so much. There were a LOT of make-up artists and work was piece-meal. I did what I could. I found myself work, on photo shoots, in movie sets, and when I couldn't do that I was working at whatever retail job I could find. I had told the doctors after my second child that I wanted my tubes tied, but, was told that because I was still young, "I might change my mind for the 'right' guy"... Yeah, like that would happen. I pushed on enough doctors, and one said he would, but he wanted me to think about it for a year. I found out I was pregnant with my third child while in that "year." I made plans to have him go live with the same family as had my first daughter, because I wanted him to have more in his life than I was able to give even my daughter and myself... I did a couple more photo shoots after he went to live with the adoptive family, and then I hit a wall.
This wall was kind of strange for me. I was always on the go, always moving, doing something. I felt like the world was sinking in on me. I was diagnosed with Bi-Polar Affective Disorder within a few years of that. For some reason while I was sinking I started gaining weight. It wasn't like I had really changed anything. I was eating well, I was exercising... But, suddenly, I was having migraines, I was having insomnia, I couldn't do a lot of the things I used to do, because I felt like I was just sort of floating. I went through boyfriends like they were clothing, it was really kind of sad. I was someone I never thought I would see. I was drifting through life. And I couldn't find a way to stop. I started putting on weight and it never came off, no matter what I did. I tried dieting, I tried hypnosis, I tried not eating, but that would just make me eat more. I couldn't figure it out. I went from that size 4-6 to a whopping size 18! That is where I sit now. It is NOT a size I like. I would prefer to be MUCH smaller than I am, but I don't know where to go or how to get it gone and keep it gone.
So, this is the first post of A Skinny Girl Trapped in a Fat Girl's Body. There will be more to come on another day. Wait for it.
So, this is who I am today. I am a mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend, and hopefully some day in the near future a wife. I have three children, ages 16, 15 and 12. I placed the 16 and 12 year old with a family that I adore and who I know is taking the most amazing care of them when they were born. The 15 year old lives with me, and I have made her my sole reason for being in the last 15 years. I am trying to make sure she knows that will not continue to be the case, as she is starting to come to an age where she needs to be for herself now. I am lucky enough to have my mother in my life, even though I know in her eyes I have not always made the best choices... We have agreed to disagree more often than not. I have an older brother, whom I don't spend near enough time with, and a younger sister, who as much as we make each other mental, she is still my friend. My brother has a wonderful wife and three amazing children, whom I wish I knew better. I am currently engaged to be married to the man whom I have been sharing my life with for the last three years.
The person I used to be, which is why I am taking a different track on my journal, is a professional model. I didn't do much in the way of work, because I chose school to be my focus instead of modeling. It was a decision I will still make to this day. I was a size 4-6. I know most people wouldn't fit into that size for the life of them, but like it or not, that was me. I thought of myself as beautiful, once I finished living in a small town that is... I thought the world was my oyster and I could do what I wanted with it. I did, for a few years. Then I had my first daughter, and realizing that I could not keep in school and be a parent at the same time, I made plans for her to go to the family she lives with now. I figured that I would go on with my life that way. I tried getting back into modeling, but it just didn't have the same draw for me. I looked at becoming a make-up artist. I went back to school, and had my second daughter. I finished school this time, although I still have no idea how. I became an accredited Esthetician. I took another make-up artistry course over and above the one from the Esthetics School. I thought I would be able to work easily in the city I lived in. Not so much. There were a LOT of make-up artists and work was piece-meal. I did what I could. I found myself work, on photo shoots, in movie sets, and when I couldn't do that I was working at whatever retail job I could find. I had told the doctors after my second child that I wanted my tubes tied, but, was told that because I was still young, "I might change my mind for the 'right' guy"... Yeah, like that would happen. I pushed on enough doctors, and one said he would, but he wanted me to think about it for a year. I found out I was pregnant with my third child while in that "year." I made plans to have him go live with the same family as had my first daughter, because I wanted him to have more in his life than I was able to give even my daughter and myself... I did a couple more photo shoots after he went to live with the adoptive family, and then I hit a wall.
This wall was kind of strange for me. I was always on the go, always moving, doing something. I felt like the world was sinking in on me. I was diagnosed with Bi-Polar Affective Disorder within a few years of that. For some reason while I was sinking I started gaining weight. It wasn't like I had really changed anything. I was eating well, I was exercising... But, suddenly, I was having migraines, I was having insomnia, I couldn't do a lot of the things I used to do, because I felt like I was just sort of floating. I went through boyfriends like they were clothing, it was really kind of sad. I was someone I never thought I would see. I was drifting through life. And I couldn't find a way to stop. I started putting on weight and it never came off, no matter what I did. I tried dieting, I tried hypnosis, I tried not eating, but that would just make me eat more. I couldn't figure it out. I went from that size 4-6 to a whopping size 18! That is where I sit now. It is NOT a size I like. I would prefer to be MUCH smaller than I am, but I don't know where to go or how to get it gone and keep it gone.
So, this is the first post of A Skinny Girl Trapped in a Fat Girl's Body. There will be more to come on another day. Wait for it.