Damage Control
So, I have not posted nor called anyone really in the last couple of months.... There are quite a few reasons for this, and all of this is about to be aired for everyone to see.
Most of you know I have been volunteering at The Witchery. Most of you also know that my health has not been the greatest for a while now. I have Fibromyalgia, Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, Chronic Fatigue, and Bi-Polar Disorder. This is ALL verified by numerous doctors. I have been told by my family doctor that with everything that is going on health wise, I should not be working, AT ALL. I am on Social Assistance because of this. I live in Calgary Housing, and I do everything I can to not climb the walls with not being able to work. This is why I started volunteering at The Witchery. I needed something that I could do when I was having good days and not falling apart because of pain or extreme amounts of drowsiness.
I have been called “lazy” and “good for nothing” because of the Chronic Fatigue. I am not!
It pisses me off every day when I realize that I cannot stay awake for more than five hours. I get called a whiner when I say that I need to take more time for myself to heal. But, I put up with the name calling and continued putting in more time than I knew I was capable of doing, because of my health problems. My mental health was deteriorating as well, because I wanted to take more time off, but every time that I did, I would get people telling me that I was just being lazy, and that others had seen me out and about... I could not continue this way without my mental or physical health getting worse. So I backed off.
I am no longer at The Witchery, for numerous reasons. The main one of which being that my health needs to come first. Without it, I have nothing... I have also started to realize that I need to spend more time with my daughter, as she is changing schools in September, which is going to be a major change for her. I have spent so much time away from her that she has almost started to wonder if I am really there for her anymore. So, this makes it easier for me to spend time with her, and to make sure she’s okay, with school, with herself, and with her friends.
I am also having a chance to spend more time with the man in my life because of all of this.
I know most of you don’t really know this, but there is a guy in my life, and yes, he is living with me. Before anyone gets all pissy about this, he is on my Social Assistance file, and Calgary Housing knows he lives here. So, that rumour is now dead. I am engaged to him, his name is Paul, and those who wish to meet him, will probably have to make plans to come to my place to meet him. I am not going to allow anyone to call him lazy or any such thing either. He is currently on my Social Assistance file for reasons similar to why I am on the system... He has numerous life altering illnesses that affect his ability to work currently.
I realize a lot of people would go on about how their lives are hard too, and that I should just suck it up and not take any time off, and just work through an illness. I have tried that. It put me to the point of having my hands become of almost no use to me. I couldn’t stand for more than 10 minutes, I couldn’t lay down, I couldn’t sit up... I could barely type... I still have issues with typing, thus, I have spent a couple of days writing this. I realized after what had been emailed to me, and said to my face, that I needed to air out the closet and let everyone see exactly what I have been going through.
I am probably the worst person for not really saying what is on my mind and why I do what I do... I have lost more than one job over my mental and physical health, which is why I am on Social Assistance. I realize that this is part and parcel to what is going on now. I know some people will hear that I have lied, stolen, used people, and generally been a bad person. I have only tried to be as clear and honest with those people closest to me for the last two years. This includes the people at The Witchery. This is sort of my fault, because apparently I was NOT clear enough about how bad my health was. I know that others still will hear how I could muster up the energy to take my daughter to the Stampede, but I wouldn’t find the time to call the store.... Yes, I was bad, because I HAD called someone every day for the last week, until two days before the day that I did indeed take my daughter to the Stampede. I or my fiancé had talked to someone at the store every day, except for the Monday and Tuesday... I guess that means that I wasn’t clear enough on the Sunday that I actually talked to the owner. Oops. Guess I should have made it clearer that I could barely sleep with all of the pain and the nightmares caused by the same pain. I wasn’t clear enough that I could barely stand, sit or walk... NO! I was quite clear about that. The only thing I hadn’t told her was that I was keeping a promise by taking my daughter to the Stampede. My daughter is 12. She brought a friend, AND her aunt went with us. This meant that I could go and sit down when I was unable to wander with them. I could still take the breaks that I needed to, and my daughter could still go and spend the time having fun, like kids are SUPPOSED to do. But apparently this is bad! Bad, bad, girl for taking the time to make sure your daughter has FUN!
Sorry, tangent there... I just really want everyone to understand that I did and still do hold my family closest to me. If anyone wants to ask my daughter what she has seen of me in the last two weeks, call me, or plan a day to come and visit. She’ll tell you. She isn’t one for holding back what she thinks. About either you or what is going on around her. I have raised her to be strong and to believe in herself and her family first. I guess that is wrong, because it makes her question everything, including the adults around her. It also makes her willing to challenge people if they act or claim something that isn’t quite on par. I guess this makes me a bad parent indeed. I want my daughter to be able and willing to stand up for herself. I want my daughter to have the confidence I lacked as a child and teenager, because I don’t see it as right to try and kill a child’s right for freedom of speech. Children are not to be seen and not heard. They are our leaders of tomorrow. If you tell a child not to accept who they are, and to not speak unless addressed, they turn into an adult who is afraid to speak up for themselves. I don’t think this model is right. I think that we should be teaching our children to speak up. Be heard. Allow us to help them when and where we can. But again, I am a lazy parent, because I want my daughter to be strong.
My daughter will be starting into a new school in September. One that will teach her how to time manage, and how to have faith in herself again. I think this is a great thing. Some people will say that she is just as lazy as her mom, because her mom didn’t make sure she made it to school every single, solitary day. Others will say that I spoil her. I let her make the rules. Guess what... I do let her have a say. And when you are being bullied at school, and thus afraid to go, I don’t see this as a reason to push your child to go in and fight. I see this as a reason to find out who it is, and bring it to the attention of the school. I did that. I got little to no response from the school, as I have always gotten. So, I was willing to let my daughter have a day to figure out what she wanted to do about this. I was willing to let her figure out a strategy. WOW! I was willing to let her figure out the world in her own way. Yes, she did miss school. Not as much as some people would have you think. I got her to school as much as we could, with her actually being sick, as stress can do that to a person...
HMMMM, that just made me realize something. If stress can make you sick, I wonder why it is that we as a Western Civilization seem to believe that unless we have stress, we aren’t living to our potential. We like being sick? I don’t. I hate it. I hate it every day, with every fibre of my being. But that is because I AM sick.
So, the thing that people need to understand with my exact illnesses, is what can and does happen.
The Chronic Fatigue Syndrome should be quite self-explanatory. It means that I become tired for no reason in the middle of the day. I have little to no energy. I can sleep for 16 hours, wake up and be functioning for four hours, then sleep for another 12. I am mostly at the point where I sleep for 10 hours, wake up and can function for five hours, then I need to sleep again for four hours. Then I am up for another few hours before bed time. This is where I am having the biggest issues with being able to work.
The Fibromyalgia makes it so that I hurt everywhere. I get headaches, muscle aches, and generally feel run down. Imagine having the flu, but not throwing up, or feeling nauseous. It hurts to breathe, lie down, stand, walk, sit; pretty much everything that most people take for granted that they can do without pain. I have moments of fogginess. I can be talking to you, and it’s like a switch is turned off in my head. I cannot think, concentrate, talk, or make sense. Even in my own head, I cannot make sense when the brain fogs happen. I forget things because of this. I forget major things, which makes it seem like I have lied, or been dishonest. I haven’t. My brain has just shut off. When the pain is the worst with the Fibromyalgia, I sleep, but with wicked nightmares that wake me up every hour or so. So, I get worse. Then there is the random swelling in my body. I lose use of my hands, or my feet because they suddenly swell. It hurts the most, because when the swelling happens, it cuts of the circulation to my hands or feet.
The Carpal Tunnel Syndrome is actually the most livable one of the many issues I have. It makes it so that repetitive use of my hands or wrists hurts. Thus is why this posting took me so long to do. I have days where the Carpal Tunnel is more painful than usual, making it so that I have to take pain killers and wear wrist braces.
The Bi-Polar Disorder is mostly under control with medications, but I need to see my doctor once a month to make sure one of my prescriptions is within the proper range. So, this means more time off for blood work and for seeing my doctor if anything is amiss with it. I still have good days and bad days with the Bi-Polar. It means that I have some days where I am a ball of manic energy and get everything done like a mad-woman. I also have some days where I do not want to get out of bed because I do not want to face the world. I take my medications, and it gets better. Not perfect, but better.
So, you see that I can have great days, and be able to do anything and everything. I can also have days where I cannot get out of bed, let alone focus on anything. Unfortunately, this past few weeks have been more bad than good. I cannot say that I did or didn’t do what I should have to make sure that people knew what was going on. I can barely remember yesterday. I have to constantly check with my fiancé about what I said, or what was said to me.
If anyone has any questions as to what is going on past this, feel free to ask. I cannot hide any of this anymore. I need to have this out in the open. I need to make sure that there is no chance of someone coming up and saying that they didn’t know how bad my health was, because I didn’t say something.
I know yet others of you have heard rumblings of me looking at buying the store. It had been something I looked into, then I realized that I couldn’t get the funding together soon enough, and then my health began failing miserably as well. So I know that some people may look at it as something that I only had as a pipe dream. It was and is not. I will be looking into opening something else, but not for at least the next year, until I know how the various treatments that I am going through to help my health issues turn out.
As for what I am doing to help my health get better. I am taking it easy on myself. The days that I get three hours worth of work, or even appointments done, I look at as being major successes. I am having regular Chiropractic appointments. I am seeing my doctor once a month, to assess my medications, and make sure that there isn’t something else that may help my health. I am seeing someone for Reiki treatments. I will be doing Physiotherapy soon, and I will be doing aquatic therapy as well. I am not just sitting at home. This would be why some days you will find me dropping by someone’s house. I drop by because usually it is someone I haven’t seen in a month or so, and I want to catch up with them while I still have the momentum going and I am passing their house while I am out. Yes, I will be seen driving my daughter to her friend’s places. Do I stop and see anyone else on those days... Depends. Depends on whether or not I am so run down that the drive itself wipes me out. If not, then I may drop by someone’s house who lives within five houses of my daughter’s friend. If that is a crime when I am sick, then I guess everyone else who leaves the house while sick because they are going stir-crazy is also to be chastised. I think it is very human of me to want to say hi to someone when I am within five houses of their place to begin with.
There is much more that I want to say, but at this point I will leave it here. I will be posting stuff more regularly, but most of it will be postings that only I can read, so that I remember what I did, or said. So, if you want to talk, or see me, you get to make the move at this point. I am done.
Fibromyalgia Weblinks:
http://www.arthritis.ca/types%20of%20arthritis/fibromyalgia/default.asp
http://ww2.arthritis.org/conditions/DiseaseCenter/Fibromyalgia/fibromyalgia.asp
Chronic Fatigue Weblinks:
http://www.cdc.gov/cfs/
http://www.womenshealthmatters.ca/index.cfm Go down the side of the page, there are links along there that describe the symptoms and such of both CFS and Fibro Myalgia.
Carpal Tunnel Syndrome Weblinks:
http://www.ninds.nih.gov/disorders/carpal_tunnel/detail_carpal_tunnel.htm
http://www.arthritis.ca/types%20of%20arthritis/carpal/default.asp
Bi-Polar Weblinks:
http://www.mentalhealth.com/dis/p20-md02.html
http://www.cmha.ca/bins/content_page.asp?cid=3-86-92
http://www.obad.ca
Most of you know I have been volunteering at The Witchery. Most of you also know that my health has not been the greatest for a while now. I have Fibromyalgia, Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, Chronic Fatigue, and Bi-Polar Disorder. This is ALL verified by numerous doctors. I have been told by my family doctor that with everything that is going on health wise, I should not be working, AT ALL. I am on Social Assistance because of this. I live in Calgary Housing, and I do everything I can to not climb the walls with not being able to work. This is why I started volunteering at The Witchery. I needed something that I could do when I was having good days and not falling apart because of pain or extreme amounts of drowsiness.
I have been called “lazy” and “good for nothing” because of the Chronic Fatigue. I am not!
It pisses me off every day when I realize that I cannot stay awake for more than five hours. I get called a whiner when I say that I need to take more time for myself to heal. But, I put up with the name calling and continued putting in more time than I knew I was capable of doing, because of my health problems. My mental health was deteriorating as well, because I wanted to take more time off, but every time that I did, I would get people telling me that I was just being lazy, and that others had seen me out and about... I could not continue this way without my mental or physical health getting worse. So I backed off.
I am no longer at The Witchery, for numerous reasons. The main one of which being that my health needs to come first. Without it, I have nothing... I have also started to realize that I need to spend more time with my daughter, as she is changing schools in September, which is going to be a major change for her. I have spent so much time away from her that she has almost started to wonder if I am really there for her anymore. So, this makes it easier for me to spend time with her, and to make sure she’s okay, with school, with herself, and with her friends.
I am also having a chance to spend more time with the man in my life because of all of this.
I know most of you don’t really know this, but there is a guy in my life, and yes, he is living with me. Before anyone gets all pissy about this, he is on my Social Assistance file, and Calgary Housing knows he lives here. So, that rumour is now dead. I am engaged to him, his name is Paul, and those who wish to meet him, will probably have to make plans to come to my place to meet him. I am not going to allow anyone to call him lazy or any such thing either. He is currently on my Social Assistance file for reasons similar to why I am on the system... He has numerous life altering illnesses that affect his ability to work currently.
I realize a lot of people would go on about how their lives are hard too, and that I should just suck it up and not take any time off, and just work through an illness. I have tried that. It put me to the point of having my hands become of almost no use to me. I couldn’t stand for more than 10 minutes, I couldn’t lay down, I couldn’t sit up... I could barely type... I still have issues with typing, thus, I have spent a couple of days writing this. I realized after what had been emailed to me, and said to my face, that I needed to air out the closet and let everyone see exactly what I have been going through.
I am probably the worst person for not really saying what is on my mind and why I do what I do... I have lost more than one job over my mental and physical health, which is why I am on Social Assistance. I realize that this is part and parcel to what is going on now. I know some people will hear that I have lied, stolen, used people, and generally been a bad person. I have only tried to be as clear and honest with those people closest to me for the last two years. This includes the people at The Witchery. This is sort of my fault, because apparently I was NOT clear enough about how bad my health was. I know that others still will hear how I could muster up the energy to take my daughter to the Stampede, but I wouldn’t find the time to call the store.... Yes, I was bad, because I HAD called someone every day for the last week, until two days before the day that I did indeed take my daughter to the Stampede. I or my fiancé had talked to someone at the store every day, except for the Monday and Tuesday... I guess that means that I wasn’t clear enough on the Sunday that I actually talked to the owner. Oops. Guess I should have made it clearer that I could barely sleep with all of the pain and the nightmares caused by the same pain. I wasn’t clear enough that I could barely stand, sit or walk... NO! I was quite clear about that. The only thing I hadn’t told her was that I was keeping a promise by taking my daughter to the Stampede. My daughter is 12. She brought a friend, AND her aunt went with us. This meant that I could go and sit down when I was unable to wander with them. I could still take the breaks that I needed to, and my daughter could still go and spend the time having fun, like kids are SUPPOSED to do. But apparently this is bad! Bad, bad, girl for taking the time to make sure your daughter has FUN!
Sorry, tangent there... I just really want everyone to understand that I did and still do hold my family closest to me. If anyone wants to ask my daughter what she has seen of me in the last two weeks, call me, or plan a day to come and visit. She’ll tell you. She isn’t one for holding back what she thinks. About either you or what is going on around her. I have raised her to be strong and to believe in herself and her family first. I guess that is wrong, because it makes her question everything, including the adults around her. It also makes her willing to challenge people if they act or claim something that isn’t quite on par. I guess this makes me a bad parent indeed. I want my daughter to be able and willing to stand up for herself. I want my daughter to have the confidence I lacked as a child and teenager, because I don’t see it as right to try and kill a child’s right for freedom of speech. Children are not to be seen and not heard. They are our leaders of tomorrow. If you tell a child not to accept who they are, and to not speak unless addressed, they turn into an adult who is afraid to speak up for themselves. I don’t think this model is right. I think that we should be teaching our children to speak up. Be heard. Allow us to help them when and where we can. But again, I am a lazy parent, because I want my daughter to be strong.
My daughter will be starting into a new school in September. One that will teach her how to time manage, and how to have faith in herself again. I think this is a great thing. Some people will say that she is just as lazy as her mom, because her mom didn’t make sure she made it to school every single, solitary day. Others will say that I spoil her. I let her make the rules. Guess what... I do let her have a say. And when you are being bullied at school, and thus afraid to go, I don’t see this as a reason to push your child to go in and fight. I see this as a reason to find out who it is, and bring it to the attention of the school. I did that. I got little to no response from the school, as I have always gotten. So, I was willing to let my daughter have a day to figure out what she wanted to do about this. I was willing to let her figure out a strategy. WOW! I was willing to let her figure out the world in her own way. Yes, she did miss school. Not as much as some people would have you think. I got her to school as much as we could, with her actually being sick, as stress can do that to a person...
HMMMM, that just made me realize something. If stress can make you sick, I wonder why it is that we as a Western Civilization seem to believe that unless we have stress, we aren’t living to our potential. We like being sick? I don’t. I hate it. I hate it every day, with every fibre of my being. But that is because I AM sick.
So, the thing that people need to understand with my exact illnesses, is what can and does happen.
The Chronic Fatigue Syndrome should be quite self-explanatory. It means that I become tired for no reason in the middle of the day. I have little to no energy. I can sleep for 16 hours, wake up and be functioning for four hours, then sleep for another 12. I am mostly at the point where I sleep for 10 hours, wake up and can function for five hours, then I need to sleep again for four hours. Then I am up for another few hours before bed time. This is where I am having the biggest issues with being able to work.
The Fibromyalgia makes it so that I hurt everywhere. I get headaches, muscle aches, and generally feel run down. Imagine having the flu, but not throwing up, or feeling nauseous. It hurts to breathe, lie down, stand, walk, sit; pretty much everything that most people take for granted that they can do without pain. I have moments of fogginess. I can be talking to you, and it’s like a switch is turned off in my head. I cannot think, concentrate, talk, or make sense. Even in my own head, I cannot make sense when the brain fogs happen. I forget things because of this. I forget major things, which makes it seem like I have lied, or been dishonest. I haven’t. My brain has just shut off. When the pain is the worst with the Fibromyalgia, I sleep, but with wicked nightmares that wake me up every hour or so. So, I get worse. Then there is the random swelling in my body. I lose use of my hands, or my feet because they suddenly swell. It hurts the most, because when the swelling happens, it cuts of the circulation to my hands or feet.
The Carpal Tunnel Syndrome is actually the most livable one of the many issues I have. It makes it so that repetitive use of my hands or wrists hurts. Thus is why this posting took me so long to do. I have days where the Carpal Tunnel is more painful than usual, making it so that I have to take pain killers and wear wrist braces.
The Bi-Polar Disorder is mostly under control with medications, but I need to see my doctor once a month to make sure one of my prescriptions is within the proper range. So, this means more time off for blood work and for seeing my doctor if anything is amiss with it. I still have good days and bad days with the Bi-Polar. It means that I have some days where I am a ball of manic energy and get everything done like a mad-woman. I also have some days where I do not want to get out of bed because I do not want to face the world. I take my medications, and it gets better. Not perfect, but better.
So, you see that I can have great days, and be able to do anything and everything. I can also have days where I cannot get out of bed, let alone focus on anything. Unfortunately, this past few weeks have been more bad than good. I cannot say that I did or didn’t do what I should have to make sure that people knew what was going on. I can barely remember yesterday. I have to constantly check with my fiancé about what I said, or what was said to me.
If anyone has any questions as to what is going on past this, feel free to ask. I cannot hide any of this anymore. I need to have this out in the open. I need to make sure that there is no chance of someone coming up and saying that they didn’t know how bad my health was, because I didn’t say something.
I know yet others of you have heard rumblings of me looking at buying the store. It had been something I looked into, then I realized that I couldn’t get the funding together soon enough, and then my health began failing miserably as well. So I know that some people may look at it as something that I only had as a pipe dream. It was and is not. I will be looking into opening something else, but not for at least the next year, until I know how the various treatments that I am going through to help my health issues turn out.
As for what I am doing to help my health get better. I am taking it easy on myself. The days that I get three hours worth of work, or even appointments done, I look at as being major successes. I am having regular Chiropractic appointments. I am seeing my doctor once a month, to assess my medications, and make sure that there isn’t something else that may help my health. I am seeing someone for Reiki treatments. I will be doing Physiotherapy soon, and I will be doing aquatic therapy as well. I am not just sitting at home. This would be why some days you will find me dropping by someone’s house. I drop by because usually it is someone I haven’t seen in a month or so, and I want to catch up with them while I still have the momentum going and I am passing their house while I am out. Yes, I will be seen driving my daughter to her friend’s places. Do I stop and see anyone else on those days... Depends. Depends on whether or not I am so run down that the drive itself wipes me out. If not, then I may drop by someone’s house who lives within five houses of my daughter’s friend. If that is a crime when I am sick, then I guess everyone else who leaves the house while sick because they are going stir-crazy is also to be chastised. I think it is very human of me to want to say hi to someone when I am within five houses of their place to begin with.
There is much more that I want to say, but at this point I will leave it here. I will be posting stuff more regularly, but most of it will be postings that only I can read, so that I remember what I did, or said. So, if you want to talk, or see me, you get to make the move at this point. I am done.
Fibromyalgia Weblinks:
http://www.arthritis.ca/types%20of%20arthritis/fibromyalgia/default.asp
http://ww2.arthritis.org/conditions/DiseaseCenter/Fibromyalgia/fibromyalgia.asp
Chronic Fatigue Weblinks:
http://www.cdc.gov/cfs/
http://www.womenshealthmatters.ca/index.cfm Go down the side of the page, there are links along there that describe the symptoms and such of both CFS and Fibro Myalgia.
Carpal Tunnel Syndrome Weblinks:
http://www.ninds.nih.gov/disorders/carpal_tunnel/detail_carpal_tunnel.htm
http://www.arthritis.ca/types%20of%20arthritis/carpal/default.asp
Bi-Polar Weblinks:
http://www.mentalhealth.com/dis/p20-md02.html
http://www.cmha.ca/bins/content_page.asp?cid=3-86-92
http://www.obad.ca