(no subject)
I was thinking tonight about the irony of life.
Sounds deep, huh?
Seriously though.
I lived through September, a little easier.
And I wrote this in 2003.
And well.
you can't always get what you want
but if you try sometimes
No one can take her place, I know this. No one will be her, I know this. But how damn lucky am I? I'm crossing off everything I wanted and needed so badly that I thought I wanted and needed only from her - but that I have a little of now, and have no clue how I was ever without it. These are the things that made everything less in my life...because I didn't have them. And everything is a little more ok today than it was in October of 2003. I'm too lazy to actually kneel and kiss the ground, but I just kissed the palm of my hand and put it on the ground. Jesus Christ, what did I ever do to deserve ANY of this?
I want my MOMMY
It isn't fair.
I want her.
*CRIES*
Right now I want her. *stomp* NOW. Next to me on the couch. In her pajamas. With messy hair that I don't notice. After she has taken her contacts out, and has her big ass thick glasses on. I want her to meet people who are now special to me. I want her to watch The Hours with Abby and I at 3 in the morning. I want to run errands with her. I want her to tell me to EAT because it doesn't matter if I'm big and fat and ugly because she'll still love me. I want to VISIT MY MOM every now and then. I want to take my mother for granted, goddammit. I want her next to me. I want her to tell me about her day, or funny things that happened to her last week. *cries* I DON'T KNOW HOW TO LIVE. I don't know how to be a normal person. I am EMPTY. I want to really be empty, so I can BE exactly how I FEEL. I want her black nylons. I want her shoulder pads. I want her geeky halloween sweatshirts and pumpkin earrings. I want her to scratch my back. I want to NOT flinch when people touch me. I want someone to touch my hair. *OW...ache* I want a comfort. I want her to listen to Bette Midler in the car. I want to tell her about old people and tears. I want to tell her about cards on doors, about people reaching out of nowhere to squeeze on my heart until it hurts. I want a place to go where I'm content just being. I want to lay on her bed and smell her. I want....I want I want I want...I want to not feel like I need to be dead because I miss the security of the ROLE she played in my life....because I don't know how to go about being a person....I want to thank her for teaching me to love people, I want to scream at her for not being here to KNOW THOSE PEOPLE. My Grandma had to buy me my first bra. My DAD bought me my first feminine hygiene products. THAT IS NOT RIGHT. DAMMMMMMIT!
I'm quoting Abby's journal again. Because she's the only one that gets it. And I'd be lost without her.
...SO... Katherine said I could call her if I needed anything? Heh.. well, I've been momless since I was 12 and a half so,
Advice about boys
a ride to my first day if high school.
to be told that's I'm beautiful no matter what that asshole @ that party thinks.
SOmeone to throw me a sweet 16 party.
A love pat when I've had a bad day @ school.
SOmeone to watch me fall in love for the first time.
A pair of teary eyes @ my high school graduation.
SOmeone w/ a jewelry box full of my baby teeth......
....Hmmm... too late for all that. I'm 21. Maybe I could have...
Someone to help me w/ my college homework.
Someone to give me financial advice.
Someone to call up when I'm down and know will love me no matter how I act or feel.
Someone to help me pic out a wedding dress.
Someone to cry @ my wedding.
Someone for my kids to call, "grandma."
Someone to have morning coffee w/.
Someone who has lots of vivid stories about my childhood.
HA! Well, she couldn't be that for me even if her intentions are the best. Sorry, Katherine. You don't want the responsibility of this lonely heart. Erin said it best,"Don't feed the motherless girl affection!!" You have know idea what you're offering.
*alone again*
Sounds deep, huh?
Seriously though.
I lived through September, a little easier.
And I wrote this in 2003.
And well.
you can't always get what you want
but if you try sometimes
No one can take her place, I know this. No one will be her, I know this. But how damn lucky am I? I'm crossing off everything I wanted and needed so badly that I thought I wanted and needed only from her - but that I have a little of now, and have no clue how I was ever without it. These are the things that made everything less in my life...because I didn't have them. And everything is a little more ok today than it was in October of 2003. I'm too lazy to actually kneel and kiss the ground, but I just kissed the palm of my hand and put it on the ground. Jesus Christ, what did I ever do to deserve ANY of this?
I want my MOMMY
It isn't fair.
I want her.
*CRIES*
Right now I want her. *stomp* NOW. Next to me on the couch. In her pajamas. With messy hair that I don't notice. After she has taken her contacts out, and has her big ass thick glasses on. I want her to meet people who are now special to me. I want her to watch The Hours with Abby and I at 3 in the morning. I want to run errands with her. I want her to tell me to EAT because it doesn't matter if I'm big and fat and ugly because she'll still love me. I want to VISIT MY MOM every now and then. I want to take my mother for granted, goddammit. I want her next to me. I want her to tell me about her day, or funny things that happened to her last week. *cries* I DON'T KNOW HOW TO LIVE. I don't know how to be a normal person. I am EMPTY. I want to really be empty, so I can BE exactly how I FEEL. I want her black nylons. I want her shoulder pads. I want her geeky halloween sweatshirts and pumpkin earrings. I want her to scratch my back. I want to NOT flinch when people touch me. I want someone to touch my hair. *OW...ache* I want a comfort. I want her to listen to Bette Midler in the car. I want to tell her about old people and tears. I want to tell her about cards on doors, about people reaching out of nowhere to squeeze on my heart until it hurts. I want a place to go where I'm content just being. I want to lay on her bed and smell her. I want....I want I want I want...I want to not feel like I need to be dead because I miss the security of the ROLE she played in my life....because I don't know how to go about being a person....I want to thank her for teaching me to love people, I want to scream at her for not being here to KNOW THOSE PEOPLE. My Grandma had to buy me my first bra. My DAD bought me my first feminine hygiene products. THAT IS NOT RIGHT. DAMMMMMMIT!
I'm quoting Abby's journal again. Because she's the only one that gets it. And I'd be lost without her.
...SO... Katherine said I could call her if I needed anything? Heh.. well, I've been momless since I was 12 and a half so,
Advice about boys
a ride to my first day if high school.
to be told that's I'm beautiful no matter what that asshole @ that party thinks.
SOmeone to throw me a sweet 16 party.
A love pat when I've had a bad day @ school.
SOmeone to watch me fall in love for the first time.
A pair of teary eyes @ my high school graduation.
SOmeone w/ a jewelry box full of my baby teeth......
....Hmmm... too late for all that. I'm 21. Maybe I could have...
Someone to help me w/ my college homework.
Someone to give me financial advice.
Someone to call up when I'm down and know will love me no matter how I act or feel.
Someone to help me pic out a wedding dress.
Someone to cry @ my wedding.
Someone for my kids to call, "grandma."
Someone to have morning coffee w/.
Someone who has lots of vivid stories about my childhood.
HA! Well, she couldn't be that for me even if her intentions are the best. Sorry, Katherine. You don't want the responsibility of this lonely heart. Erin said it best,"Don't feed the motherless girl affection!!" You have know idea what you're offering.
*alone again*