OMG!
well more drama from my oldest, lets see I don't remember where we left off so I will say sorry now if I am repeating anything. She has decided to have sex again so she walked home with a boy, who after they were done decided he didn't really want to go out with her. Of course this devistated her. She has been caught drinking once, smoked a few times. And I caught her talking to a different boy (this would make 3) about meeting him to have sex this morning. (Hey Scott you know where I can get one of those belts you were talking about) What the hell am I going to do with her? Oh yeah and did I tell you she has started cuting herself too? Yeah I hope we nipped that one but you never know kids are creative. She seems to be on this major self destruct spiral and I don't know how to help her. We increased her therapy, and added a case manager who she will see at school. But will that be enough she has been in therapy since she was 4. This latest break with Mickey seems to have been the catalist, she convinced herself we were going to be a family again even thought I told her that wasn't really something to hope for. And then he just walks away again without so much as a good bye. Hope is a poison that leaves you too weak to absorb the impact of reality. She is an emotional wreck, she isn't sleeping worth a damn, she fights everyone at every turn, and this pain seeking scares the hell out of me. Why does she feel the need to punish herself for all the wrongs he has done? I don't understand why she feels she is responsible. I am at a total loss and feel so helpless when it come to helping my baby. Everything I say seems to be the wrong thing and only makes her more mad. She says she isn't mad at me for not making it work and that she knows it was his choice but if that is the case why is she punishing herself? I don't understand any of this. Some days I just wish she was three again and loved everyone and was happy. Before the drama and mouthiness started, before we knew life was a game and we were being delt the losing hand. When did my life unravel so far that I can rewind it? I am so tired of being this whatever it is I am right now, I don't even know what to call it. Right now everything is so crazy I just don't know what to do anymore. I hate that I can't trust her anymore but her six versions of every situation makes it hard to know what is what anymore I just feel so lost in dealing with her these days. I want so much to be able to hold her and make it all ok like when she was little and scratched her knee but I don't know how to fix this. I feel like I have failed her and that hurts so bad. Yeah some Mom I turned out to be right? Yeah I know feeling sorry for myself won't fix it either but I don't know how to stop that either. I gotta go Brett just called and is feeling ill, so off to school to get him and see what his deal is, he is definatley not likeing all the attention she is getting right now, oh well he will get over it. I hope. Later all, sorry to be so bitchy.