.....augh!!!
So, here is the entry I was referring to on my myspace. I couldn't leave it there for reasons such as: I didn't want some people to read it, I am a very private person and I've got a couple people on my 'preferred' readers list, and .. anyway, whatever.. i have to just jump into this.
I was just searching thru match.com because i get a kick out of seeing who's on there.... i mean, back when i had an ad, there were women who were advertising themselves ... and guess what? They're still online! i shake my head because what do you wanna bet half of them are involved with someone? anyway, i just was skimming down the ads, and then i reached one that stopped me in my tracks. my ex-g/f Kate had her ad back up. Yes, she's my ex, but I DO NOT understand this - let me explain why. I'll do my best anyway, trying to explain.. as my mind is mush when it comes to trying to decipher why she'd put it back up.. I mean, yes, we are not together anymore, but the last time we talked (roughly 2 weeks ago), we hung out a bit, and on the way back to my apartment, we spoke a bit about why we broke up. We hadn't discussed it at all prior to this drive back to my place. After we talked about it, i had told her that I wasn't ready to date anyone right now. That i needed to focus on me, and some of the things I wanted to accomplish IE: school, work, figuring out if I want to move, ETC, ETC. We thus decided to just be friends, but, there was a tension there that seemed to want us to be more than just friends. We ended up going to see Little Miss Sunshine a week later and while in the theater, she grabbed my hand during a scene. I didn't think much of it, i thought she was just doing it because the scene was a bit dramatic and she wanted the support. After the movie, we went to get ice cream and sat outside, she apologized for grabbing my hand but said it felt 'like the right thing to do.' i won't lie, i felt something too when she did it, and i told her. we had a nice time eating our sundaes, laughed a lot and got along really well. It was getting late so we walked back to our cars, hugged each other, and I felt something AGAIN when i hugged her. We went our seperate ways....i called her on my way home to thank her for coming up all the way to see the movie with me. She said it was funny because she was just thinking of calling me, too because she, too, had had a great time and that she felt something with me. She said she wasn't sure what to make of it, but that she was open to the possibility of exploring that. I told her 'let's take it day by day'. she called me when she got home that night (i was asleep) and since then, i haven't seen her. she wanted to come up and visit a couple weeks ago, but I was not feeling well. It's almost like, when i said "no" to her for that weekend, she just took off with it and said 'goodbye' totally. I haven't talked with her voice wise in several days... i called her on my way to boston last weekend to see what she was up to, she didn't answer her phone.. which was not abnormal because she never does due to her fucked up work schedule. i txted her as well the other day to ask if she was alright... haven't heard a damn thing. Now, I see her ad on match and I am thinking that she's a lot more flaky than i thought. I think back to the times we spent together and even though we didn't spend a lot of time with each other, it was still SOMETHING and she seemed so committed to the idea of getting to know me better. We had our issues when we dated....i realized she had communication problems. She'd just be silent for 5 minutes when we'd be talking about something.. and I CANNOT STAND THAT. I had that with Greg, it's indeciveness, it's sorta like the nonverbal of 'i dunno, what do YOU wanna doooo?" It's become a button that when pushed, Sarah backs away. I just can't handle that. Anyway, this lack in communication is the one reason as to why I broke up with her to begin with... then, fast forward to the movie night... she wants to get back together, leads me to think she wants something... But, when I would re-read the txts Kate sent me while we were dating, I realized, I really realized how many times I was the one to initiate the conversations. And, looking back, i realize why I felt tired with her. I was doing a lot of the word to keep us 'functioning.' i'm soooo tired of that. i want to be in a balanced relationship... and i also do not want that now. i don't want to be in a romantic place right now. i need to sit and pause and do some reflections on who i am and what i want. Anyway, getting off track. Having seen Kate's ad made me realize that even though I was somewhat waiting for her to say something to me (and not even a 'how are you Sweetie' but a 'i got your msgs, thanks for contacting me.. i've been good' or whatnot - just SOMETHING), I also had come to terms with the fact that I'm alright single. I don't need to be with someone to be happy. I never could understand that before, and had you asked me this a year ago, hell no. But, I'm still really shocked that she's so easily able to repost her ad, even when she knows that I've been trying to see how she is. It just puzzles me how she can say "i want to explore this with you again" and then ...one day ....5 days.... 15 days later.... her ad is back up. Doesn't make sense to me. I guess maybe she wanted me to say "yes, i want to explore this with you, too!" but, i couldn't do that because I wasn't sure. Now, i guess i'm glad i didn't just say "yes" because i realize that she's an all or nothing type. I guess. I don't know!!!! I just don't know what to think. i'm sorta pulling all of this blog out of my ass and just taking it and trying to make some fucking sense out of it. i have this huge feeling inside my gut and my head that tells me i reaaaaally have something else to say about this matter, but i don't know what IT IS! and I really wish i knew because it would make me feel so much better if i could just articulate the god damn thing. AUGH!!!!
I could use some feedback.
I was just searching thru match.com because i get a kick out of seeing who's on there.... i mean, back when i had an ad, there were women who were advertising themselves ... and guess what? They're still online! i shake my head because what do you wanna bet half of them are involved with someone? anyway, i just was skimming down the ads, and then i reached one that stopped me in my tracks. my ex-g/f Kate had her ad back up. Yes, she's my ex, but I DO NOT understand this - let me explain why. I'll do my best anyway, trying to explain.. as my mind is mush when it comes to trying to decipher why she'd put it back up.. I mean, yes, we are not together anymore, but the last time we talked (roughly 2 weeks ago), we hung out a bit, and on the way back to my apartment, we spoke a bit about why we broke up. We hadn't discussed it at all prior to this drive back to my place. After we talked about it, i had told her that I wasn't ready to date anyone right now. That i needed to focus on me, and some of the things I wanted to accomplish IE: school, work, figuring out if I want to move, ETC, ETC. We thus decided to just be friends, but, there was a tension there that seemed to want us to be more than just friends. We ended up going to see Little Miss Sunshine a week later and while in the theater, she grabbed my hand during a scene. I didn't think much of it, i thought she was just doing it because the scene was a bit dramatic and she wanted the support. After the movie, we went to get ice cream and sat outside, she apologized for grabbing my hand but said it felt 'like the right thing to do.' i won't lie, i felt something too when she did it, and i told her. we had a nice time eating our sundaes, laughed a lot and got along really well. It was getting late so we walked back to our cars, hugged each other, and I felt something AGAIN when i hugged her. We went our seperate ways....i called her on my way home to thank her for coming up all the way to see the movie with me. She said it was funny because she was just thinking of calling me, too because she, too, had had a great time and that she felt something with me. She said she wasn't sure what to make of it, but that she was open to the possibility of exploring that. I told her 'let's take it day by day'. she called me when she got home that night (i was asleep) and since then, i haven't seen her. she wanted to come up and visit a couple weeks ago, but I was not feeling well. It's almost like, when i said "no" to her for that weekend, she just took off with it and said 'goodbye' totally. I haven't talked with her voice wise in several days... i called her on my way to boston last weekend to see what she was up to, she didn't answer her phone.. which was not abnormal because she never does due to her fucked up work schedule. i txted her as well the other day to ask if she was alright... haven't heard a damn thing. Now, I see her ad on match and I am thinking that she's a lot more flaky than i thought. I think back to the times we spent together and even though we didn't spend a lot of time with each other, it was still SOMETHING and she seemed so committed to the idea of getting to know me better. We had our issues when we dated....i realized she had communication problems. She'd just be silent for 5 minutes when we'd be talking about something.. and I CANNOT STAND THAT. I had that with Greg, it's indeciveness, it's sorta like the nonverbal of 'i dunno, what do YOU wanna doooo?" It's become a button that when pushed, Sarah backs away. I just can't handle that. Anyway, this lack in communication is the one reason as to why I broke up with her to begin with... then, fast forward to the movie night... she wants to get back together, leads me to think she wants something... But, when I would re-read the txts Kate sent me while we were dating, I realized, I really realized how many times I was the one to initiate the conversations. And, looking back, i realize why I felt tired with her. I was doing a lot of the word to keep us 'functioning.' i'm soooo tired of that. i want to be in a balanced relationship... and i also do not want that now. i don't want to be in a romantic place right now. i need to sit and pause and do some reflections on who i am and what i want. Anyway, getting off track. Having seen Kate's ad made me realize that even though I was somewhat waiting for her to say something to me (and not even a 'how are you Sweetie' but a 'i got your msgs, thanks for contacting me.. i've been good' or whatnot - just SOMETHING), I also had come to terms with the fact that I'm alright single. I don't need to be with someone to be happy. I never could understand that before, and had you asked me this a year ago, hell no. But, I'm still really shocked that she's so easily able to repost her ad, even when she knows that I've been trying to see how she is. It just puzzles me how she can say "i want to explore this with you again" and then ...one day ....5 days.... 15 days later.... her ad is back up. Doesn't make sense to me. I guess maybe she wanted me to say "yes, i want to explore this with you, too!" but, i couldn't do that because I wasn't sure. Now, i guess i'm glad i didn't just say "yes" because i realize that she's an all or nothing type. I guess. I don't know!!!! I just don't know what to think. i'm sorta pulling all of this blog out of my ass and just taking it and trying to make some fucking sense out of it. i have this huge feeling inside my gut and my head that tells me i reaaaaally have something else to say about this matter, but i don't know what IT IS! and I really wish i knew because it would make me feel so much better if i could just articulate the god damn thing. AUGH!!!!
I could use some feedback.