The real entry for right now... aka... obsess and paranoi... *not word making it one* about new f?
Well really... the entry before was real. That was just durring class. This is actually how I'm feeling now TADAAAA FABULOUS! *sighs* anywho... My brain is tired... like. I need a fucking shot or 3 tired. *curls up in a little ball* I have not been sleeping lately... Which is actually related to my mental exhaustion.... as opposed to vice versa? if that made sense in something besides my head -.-... Give up...
Anywho. Kinda started with the talking to Ryan. o.O Who... I had wanted to hate cause when Eroc and Laura broke up he seemed like a douche... But really now I think of it. Break ups don;t really show anyones pretty colors.... And what he said about Laura... was true. But anyway. He's cool. He is not helping my sleep scheduel though. Between him and Nonnie I would be a zombie anyway. But its not just that. And I lied to John. Its not just cause its February. February does bring out worse nightmares though. And I have had a few about Liam. Just... Ryan reminds me of Max. I miss Max so bad. I start off thinking. :3 Ohohoh. Max would have loved Ryan... only difference being. Max did not want in my pants... >< Prolly would have preferred Ryan over me >< lol. Buuuut... Yeah. Definately having nightmares of the stupid variety. Like. If I had never been friends with Max Thommy and Sassy they would have been allive. So dreaming about dead people.... not my fave... but I which is worse dreaming about my x sociopathic new nazi... or best friends I got killed.... hmmm.... questions questions... And people wonder why I have trouble with me.
Another thing making me tired is.... RYAN!!! >< Gah... Since he reminds me of Max I trust him far too much far too fast. I tell him things I didn't tell bestest friends for years... I don;t know if itsa solidly him. Hes a trust worthy guy, or if I have missed Max so much without realizing and want to make up for silly lost time... or... if Cody, Devon and Dad fucking me over really had that much of an effect on me. I want to shut down but instead I am desperately seeking people to cover up the holes that they left? I don't quite know... I actually told Ryan that I trusted him too much already. He said it was fine and I could trust him. Except now. I do trust new people but I am way too careful. I tell them things but I scrutinize for a reason not to... But yeah thusforth. Talking to him and being like HES AWESOME! And then suddenly afterwords I realize I talk too much and then exhaust me... etc etc
AND SPEAKING OF CODY... /oo\ He keeps talking to Megan. I know its stupid and childish to still want to be his friend... I just... I still cannot believe Shannon and I were so easy to cast off... We were the best of friends. I mean. Nonnie describes it perfectly. All 3 of us hadnt been together for over a year? And hanging out at my dads and it all fell back into place. /oo\. And he just cast us aside. Shows us how fucking fantastic we are. *sighs* I know its nothing to do with Nonnie and I's quality but a girl cannot help what her brain says can she? He still was talking to Megan until she demanded he say something to us. Then he told her only real friends could tell him what to do and as she didn;t seem so interested in him as a friend lately he wouldnt bother with her either. And she was like WTF You were the one who left and didnt say a word. So now. Not even a connection with Megan to him. Which is sad... More sad I wish I had a connection to him... But made me smile she was trying for Nonnie and I again.
However. I am still trying... or trying to try. I make vague connections with people but am too afraid for the follow through. So really. I am only friends with John, Shannon... Megan... Jason... Snickerdoodle...? Maybe Ryan? I dunno. I want to say Ryan... but really dunno if Megan's hatred is legitimate... I trust him.. but... Megan doesn;t usually lead me astray... But its Kelly... *shudders* And now I'm confused and tired... and whiny... *sulks*
In other news... Alex may be getting somewhere with Jason! She kissed him. Twice. Not like face lickorama. Just kisses. Which is awesomeley sweet except I apparently left her too long alone to her own devices...? And now she has convinced herself he was smiling first time and second time dissaproved? Not really her wording but general idea. Dunno he may be confued or Al may be crazy. Just hope it sorts itself out. Moreover I hope Alex and Jason become a thing. He soothes her. And despite when I even used to hung her more often... be an actual nice person... I didn;t do that. I could settle her down for a bit sometimes...? He actually relaxes her and tones down her chaos. But counting chickens before they hatch.... BAD sometimes you just get a bloody omelette.
AND GAH! Long entry... Sorry Nonnie... But yeah. SO when people don;t talk to me.... John thinks its just him... But everyone if its a friend.... and they don;t respond instantly like they have no life.... I get nervous. I know its entirely irrational and I can reason things out in my head... But it does not matter! >< I am a female which means there is no reasoning with me! NOT EVEN BY MYSELF!!!! /.\ Such as its 7 am. I text Megan or Nonnie something and anxiously await the response in parranoia... and then they get back to me later and are like hey! I just woke up! Or HEY! I was in class! And I'm like *laughs like obnoxious valley girl* OKAY! *sighs* Then I do it again. I was just reminded cause Nonnies been busy all day and has not responded to every breath taking twitter! *gasp and cries* That and... Ryans at work... and I was getting twitchy he decided I was too much work as a friend and bailed out. *sighs* I make me tiiiiired....
And I was going to stop but my internet is being weird AGAIN and so... I cannot post this. SO MORE!!! BWAAHAHAHAHA.
Anywho. Kinda started with the talking to Ryan. o.O Who... I had wanted to hate cause when Eroc and Laura broke up he seemed like a douche... But really now I think of it. Break ups don;t really show anyones pretty colors.... And what he said about Laura... was true. But anyway. He's cool. He is not helping my sleep scheduel though. Between him and Nonnie I would be a zombie anyway. But its not just that. And I lied to John. Its not just cause its February. February does bring out worse nightmares though. And I have had a few about Liam. Just... Ryan reminds me of Max. I miss Max so bad. I start off thinking. :3 Ohohoh. Max would have loved Ryan... only difference being. Max did not want in my pants... >< Prolly would have preferred Ryan over me >< lol. Buuuut... Yeah. Definately having nightmares of the stupid variety. Like. If I had never been friends with Max Thommy and Sassy they would have been allive. So dreaming about dead people.... not my fave... but I which is worse dreaming about my x sociopathic new nazi... or best friends I got killed.... hmmm.... questions questions... And people wonder why I have trouble with me.
Another thing making me tired is.... RYAN!!! >< Gah... Since he reminds me of Max I trust him far too much far too fast. I tell him things I didn't tell bestest friends for years... I don;t know if itsa solidly him. Hes a trust worthy guy, or if I have missed Max so much without realizing and want to make up for silly lost time... or... if Cody, Devon and Dad fucking me over really had that much of an effect on me. I want to shut down but instead I am desperately seeking people to cover up the holes that they left? I don't quite know... I actually told Ryan that I trusted him too much already. He said it was fine and I could trust him. Except now. I do trust new people but I am way too careful. I tell them things but I scrutinize for a reason not to... But yeah thusforth. Talking to him and being like HES AWESOME! And then suddenly afterwords I realize I talk too much and then exhaust me... etc etc
AND SPEAKING OF CODY... /oo\ He keeps talking to Megan. I know its stupid and childish to still want to be his friend... I just... I still cannot believe Shannon and I were so easy to cast off... We were the best of friends. I mean. Nonnie describes it perfectly. All 3 of us hadnt been together for over a year? And hanging out at my dads and it all fell back into place. /oo\. And he just cast us aside. Shows us how fucking fantastic we are. *sighs* I know its nothing to do with Nonnie and I's quality but a girl cannot help what her brain says can she? He still was talking to Megan until she demanded he say something to us. Then he told her only real friends could tell him what to do and as she didn;t seem so interested in him as a friend lately he wouldnt bother with her either. And she was like WTF You were the one who left and didnt say a word. So now. Not even a connection with Megan to him. Which is sad... More sad I wish I had a connection to him... But made me smile she was trying for Nonnie and I again.
However. I am still trying... or trying to try. I make vague connections with people but am too afraid for the follow through. So really. I am only friends with John, Shannon... Megan... Jason... Snickerdoodle...? Maybe Ryan? I dunno. I want to say Ryan... but really dunno if Megan's hatred is legitimate... I trust him.. but... Megan doesn;t usually lead me astray... But its Kelly... *shudders* And now I'm confused and tired... and whiny... *sulks*
In other news... Alex may be getting somewhere with Jason! She kissed him. Twice. Not like face lickorama. Just kisses. Which is awesomeley sweet except I apparently left her too long alone to her own devices...? And now she has convinced herself he was smiling first time and second time dissaproved? Not really her wording but general idea. Dunno he may be confued or Al may be crazy. Just hope it sorts itself out. Moreover I hope Alex and Jason become a thing. He soothes her. And despite when I even used to hung her more often... be an actual nice person... I didn;t do that. I could settle her down for a bit sometimes...? He actually relaxes her and tones down her chaos. But counting chickens before they hatch.... BAD sometimes you just get a bloody omelette.
AND GAH! Long entry... Sorry Nonnie... But yeah. SO when people don;t talk to me.... John thinks its just him... But everyone if its a friend.... and they don;t respond instantly like they have no life.... I get nervous. I know its entirely irrational and I can reason things out in my head... But it does not matter! >< I am a female which means there is no reasoning with me! NOT EVEN BY MYSELF!!!! /.\ Such as its 7 am. I text Megan or Nonnie something and anxiously await the response in parranoia... and then they get back to me later and are like hey! I just woke up! Or HEY! I was in class! And I'm like *laughs like obnoxious valley girl* OKAY! *sighs* Then I do it again. I was just reminded cause Nonnies been busy all day and has not responded to every breath taking twitter! *gasp and cries* That and... Ryans at work... and I was getting twitchy he decided I was too much work as a friend and bailed out. *sighs* I make me tiiiiired....
And I was going to stop but my internet is being weird AGAIN and so... I cannot post this. SO MORE!!! BWAAHAHAHAHA.