Deep
Title: Deep
Pairing: Yunho/Jaejoong
Length: One-shot
Genre: Slice of life, Romance, Angst
Rating: G
Summary: Some find strength in walking away, but some are buried just too deep to breakaway.
It has only been a good hour since Jaejoong closed his eyes to rest but he was already wide awake again. He was listening to his own breathing, and at the same time asking himself why it's the only sound he was hearing. The flat was too quiet. If not for the little lampshade that was peacefully standing right next to his bed, it would have been too dark as well. The place was almost lifeless, like no one was actually staying there at the moment though he was there. The silence was deafening. And strangely, it was suffocating. With one swift move, he sat up. As soon as his feet made contact with the carpet that was softly hugging the floor, that could have made him become aware of how cold the room was, he realized it wasn't the fact that he was alone that was smothering him.
He had been in this place too many times to get stifled by the mere stillness that wasn't, at all, unfamiliar to this room. In fact, he had been here too many times that he could live here without minding whether he was alone or not. Though in the deepest, hidden shade of his heart, he would have probably minded being alone because he was never used to being totally alone in this place. But that wasn't really what's bothering him as he stood from the bed and headed straight to the kitchen. Waking up alone on this huge bed wasn't something new to him. He had lived too many mornings waking up to nothing to get upset by the fact that he was, again, all by himself. When he felt the soft rug extending from underneath the bed to all the corners of the room that has become home to him, it was then that he realized, this place isn't really how it used to be anymore. And it was mentally, and emotionally, choking him.
It was strange and upsetting how the walls were still how Jaejoong remembered them to be but then, they were not the walls of the place he used to treasure like his own anymore. They were still the elegant, white wallpapers that he loved though; the same shade he sincerely appreciated during those rainy days when he had nothing to do but stay inside the flat and laze the whole day off with Yunho. Ah, yes, with Yunho. The owner of this place. The man who passionately preferred the dull drapes hanging on every glass door and window in his deluxe yet humble abode. The man who preferred filling every little corner of this place with their memories. The man who made Jaejoong become very fond of staying in this room.
The light of the refrigerator opened and closed a little too fast together with its sound, being opened and closed, before the lights in the bar of the kitchen came to life. Jaejoong placed a bottle of soju on the black marble countertop before he pulled a tall chair and sat on it. The bottle opened with a loud, frustratingly familiar 'pop' that made Jaejoong grin stupidly to himself. Was he really doing this again? Waking up in the middle of the night and walking up to the kitchen to drown himself in countless bottles of soju until he passes out? He always thought of himself as someone braver, someone stronger. But his own actions defied the person he believed he is. Just when was escaping ever a choice to him?
Another stupid grin formed its way on his face. It only boosted the bittersweet taste lingering on his lips - he wasn't even sure anymore if it was from the alcohol or if it was from the unspoken words that were always left hanging at the tip of his tongue. Whichever was right, he didn't really care because he was only certain of one thing, both made him feel stupid.
Jaejoong thought the night could not get any longer but apparently, he was wrong. It was barely 2 in the morning. The night has just started, yet he has already downed a whole bottle of soju, not even a single drop left. It sucks that he was still very sober. Often times he really hated how strong his tolerance for alcohol is. He lit up a cigarette and slightly slumped himself against the back of the long-legged, wooden bar stool. As he placed the thin stick in between his lips with his right hand, he stretched his left arm and placed it on top of the back of the bar stool next to him. He threw his head back, pulled the cancer stick away from his lips and blew the smoke up.
As he watched the smoke slowly fade to nothingness, the silence suddenly felt twice as deafening, the coldness twice as freezing and the thoughts in his head, twice as striking.
This place. It is his as much as it is Yunho's. It is where they grew up together. It is where they have seen each other in their best and lowest times. And it is where they battled the toughest ups and downs they have been through together. How could Yunho let someone, other than him, live in this place? How could he welcome someone, with the same loving arms he used to welcome him with, in this place? This was their home. It was the only place where they could live with each other without restrictions; it was the only place where they could love each other without boundaries. How could Yunho let someone, other than him, in?
Tears fell from both sides of his eyes as he blinked, still looking up to the ceiling as if only just realizing that the smoke he was staring at had already completely vanished. The cigarette in his subtly shaking fingers was already near halfway up its stub, though he still hasn't dealt with it after his first intake.
He knew he shouldn't feel this vulnerable when there was no one around to hug him, it would only make him feel more fragile. He thought of calling Yoochun or Changmin when the door in the living room suddenly opened and the lights followed. A thud was heard after the door was closed, someone threw his body on the couch. He was home.
As though he was suddenly pulled awake from a fleeting dream, Jaejoong immediately pinched his cigarette down hard on the ashtray's burned surface. He sat up straight and wiped his cheeks thoroughly, not wanting to leave any mark of his emotions. He brushed his hair up and slightly pulled his cardigan on both shoulders to tidy himself from the dispirited mess that he was. He took a quick glance of himself through the glass door of the cabinet right across the kitchen bar, expecting to see a fine young man but to his dismay, the reflection showed nothing of the confident person he used to be. He still looked distressed, restless, despite his effort to hold himself together. And as if his face was not depressing enough, right before the miserable image he wanted to tear his eyes away from were the lonely bottle of soju and the worn out glass he used.
'What happened to you?' He wanted to ask out loud. He wanted to ask it out real loud so he could get through the man he was staring at.
He only realized he already knew the answer to his question when he finally noticed the figure standing behind him through the reflection on the glass mirror. "You're home" he said, faking surprise and coating his voice with made-up liveliness.
"Waiting for me?" Yunho replied with a tired, yet still, sweet smile as he pulled the wooden stool next to Jaejoong and sat on it.
Jaejoong smiled in return, but just a blink of an eye would reveal everything he has hidden inside. "I couldn't sleep." He said, his hands instantly reaching for the glass he didn't want to touch again. He wanted to avoid the eyes that would be searching for assurance in his, and a new bottle of alcohol offered just what he needed. He watched as the liquor gracefully spilled from the bottle, filling his glass a colorless shade. "Do you want me to get you a glass?" He asked the man who was quietly watching him. And probably waiting for him to look at him.
"Sure" Yunho's answer sounded exhausted, like he didn't really want to drink but he couldn't say no. His tone was clearly trying to convince Jaejoong that he wanted to but he wasn't aware that the more he tried to deny his guilt, the more his feelings dripped out of his words and actions.
Jaejoong wished Yunho would stop doing this. He wanted Yunho to say no if he didn't really want to. He wanted him to be just himself, like how he used to before she happened. Jaejoong wanted Yunho to prove to him that nothing changed and that her presence doesn't matter anymore because they're already over and he's now completely back with him. He simply wanted Yunho to be the man he came to love, not the guilt-driven man he is right now.
They were never careful with each other. They could be anyone and anything they wanted to be when they're together. But as Jaejoong listened to Yunho's breathing as he poured the man's glass a little amount of soju, he was once again reminded that that reality has now been tainted with wounds and tears.
"How was the shoot today? Did you have a great time?" Jaejoong asked after handing over the glass to Yunho. He understood, probably even more than Yunho, that honest words meant deeper wounds. He didn't want that for both of them. He only wanted to be happy with Yunho again, to be the perfect-fit couple, brothers and best friends they once used to be. If he could erase all the uncertainties they feel by ignoring the fragile feelings in between every moment they shared, he would willingly act like nothing happened even if it will seem that he only covered the surface of the unhealed wounds.
"Yeah" Yunho smiled a sad and beaten smile. He knew Jaejoong wasn't, in the least bit, asking about how working with her went but every time their conversation comes anywhere near his soon to be finished project, he couldn't stop his mind from drowning his self in guilt.
Because of a fleeting pleasure he mistook as attraction, he broke up with Jaejoong, started dating and living with his lead actress in this place, presented to the whole nation a relationship that has always been awaited, and informed those who supported him and Jaejoong that he messed up. He messed things up real bad. And now that he wanted to make things right, it kills him that he couldn't find where to start anymore.
When Jaejoong suddenly shifted on his seat to face him, Yunho realized he dazed off again. And even before he felt they were there, his tears were already painting on his cheeks the guilt and torment he was feeling.
Strong, gentle hands cupped his face and he was soon buried in the accepting hug he thought he would never have the chance to feel again. "I'm sorry Jaejoong" He said, "I'm sorry I hurt you" he cried and held on to Jaejoong like a kid not wanting to break away from his leaving parents knowing that if he lets go, he wouldn't get to hold them again. "You can hurt me as many times as you like. You can break me into pieces until you're satisfied Jaejoong. I wouldn't care. Just, please... don't leave me. I can't stand that... I can't."
Jaejoong was still in deep pain. It still hurts him to be fully aware that no matter how many times Yunho says sorry and no matter how many times he sleeps the pain away, it wouldn't change the fact that the man he loves most once left him for a woman. Even if they spend another decade together, he would still remember everything when he closes his eyes at night. And there will always be his fear that Yunho might suddenly leave him again one day.
Maybe people were wrong when they said time heals everything, but Jaejoong hoped they aren't. He truly hoped that just this once, he will believe in the right words, in the right moment, and in the right man.
He knew that every time Yunho says sorry, he would forgive him each time because he wholeheartedly did the first time Yunho came back to him and said everything's over between him and her. He just didn't imagine growing up apart to be like this. He didn't understand that once Yunho gets into a new - different - relationship, that person will be a part of his life whether they stay together forever or not. It will be a truth no one will be able to deny because it is as real as every happiness and pain one could feel, and that was what Jaejoong did not like - the existence of someone, other than him, in Yunho's life.
It didn't occur to him that accepting the man again would mean he was accepting the pain that came along as well. But his love for Yunho has always been strong. It's always strong that even he, himself, could not tell anymore whether it's still a mere feeling or not. If there's something stronger and truer than emotions, perhaps that would be the right term to call it.
"Sshh, I will not leave you Yunho. I'm just here. I won't leave, I promise."
It was the reason why he was still here, assuring Yunho that he would not leave. He was still here accepting and embracing all the anguish as though it was his own, even with all the pain he's been hiding inside.
Maybe tomorrow night, when he wakes up and finds Yunho still out at work, he would feel uneasy again and he would have to go through the agony of reassuring himself that Yunho will definitely come back home to him.
Maybe tomorrow night, when Yunho comes home from work and finds him drinking, the man would feel guilty again and he would have to go through the agony of reassuring himself that Jaejoong will definitely not leave him.
Maybe it would go on and on for many nights because none of them could really reassure each other that everything will be okay and everything will be back to normal, even if they're together again. Maybe all the guilt and pain would go on and on until their wounds completely heal, and they won't be blinded by fear anymore.
Though things could have been simpler and easier if they parted ways, Jaejoong was only certain of one thing. When he wakes up tomorrow morning, it is Yunho's face he wants to see. This feeling was enough to get him through the many sleepless nights. He just didn't know, it has been the same for Yunho all along.
A/N: Some parts are edited to clarify some points of the story. I'm really sorry to the first readers. I didn't realize it wasn't clear that Yunho broke up with the 'girl' and that he got back together with Jaejoong. But that was how it went. And honestly, I don't know if the parts I changed helped at all.
Pairing: Yunho/Jaejoong
Length: One-shot
Genre: Slice of life, Romance, Angst
Rating: G
Summary: Some find strength in walking away, but some are buried just too deep to breakaway.
It has only been a good hour since Jaejoong closed his eyes to rest but he was already wide awake again. He was listening to his own breathing, and at the same time asking himself why it's the only sound he was hearing. The flat was too quiet. If not for the little lampshade that was peacefully standing right next to his bed, it would have been too dark as well. The place was almost lifeless, like no one was actually staying there at the moment though he was there. The silence was deafening. And strangely, it was suffocating. With one swift move, he sat up. As soon as his feet made contact with the carpet that was softly hugging the floor, that could have made him become aware of how cold the room was, he realized it wasn't the fact that he was alone that was smothering him.
He had been in this place too many times to get stifled by the mere stillness that wasn't, at all, unfamiliar to this room. In fact, he had been here too many times that he could live here without minding whether he was alone or not. Though in the deepest, hidden shade of his heart, he would have probably minded being alone because he was never used to being totally alone in this place. But that wasn't really what's bothering him as he stood from the bed and headed straight to the kitchen. Waking up alone on this huge bed wasn't something new to him. He had lived too many mornings waking up to nothing to get upset by the fact that he was, again, all by himself. When he felt the soft rug extending from underneath the bed to all the corners of the room that has become home to him, it was then that he realized, this place isn't really how it used to be anymore. And it was mentally, and emotionally, choking him.
It was strange and upsetting how the walls were still how Jaejoong remembered them to be but then, they were not the walls of the place he used to treasure like his own anymore. They were still the elegant, white wallpapers that he loved though; the same shade he sincerely appreciated during those rainy days when he had nothing to do but stay inside the flat and laze the whole day off with Yunho. Ah, yes, with Yunho. The owner of this place. The man who passionately preferred the dull drapes hanging on every glass door and window in his deluxe yet humble abode. The man who preferred filling every little corner of this place with their memories. The man who made Jaejoong become very fond of staying in this room.
The light of the refrigerator opened and closed a little too fast together with its sound, being opened and closed, before the lights in the bar of the kitchen came to life. Jaejoong placed a bottle of soju on the black marble countertop before he pulled a tall chair and sat on it. The bottle opened with a loud, frustratingly familiar 'pop' that made Jaejoong grin stupidly to himself. Was he really doing this again? Waking up in the middle of the night and walking up to the kitchen to drown himself in countless bottles of soju until he passes out? He always thought of himself as someone braver, someone stronger. But his own actions defied the person he believed he is. Just when was escaping ever a choice to him?
Another stupid grin formed its way on his face. It only boosted the bittersweet taste lingering on his lips - he wasn't even sure anymore if it was from the alcohol or if it was from the unspoken words that were always left hanging at the tip of his tongue. Whichever was right, he didn't really care because he was only certain of one thing, both made him feel stupid.
Jaejoong thought the night could not get any longer but apparently, he was wrong. It was barely 2 in the morning. The night has just started, yet he has already downed a whole bottle of soju, not even a single drop left. It sucks that he was still very sober. Often times he really hated how strong his tolerance for alcohol is. He lit up a cigarette and slightly slumped himself against the back of the long-legged, wooden bar stool. As he placed the thin stick in between his lips with his right hand, he stretched his left arm and placed it on top of the back of the bar stool next to him. He threw his head back, pulled the cancer stick away from his lips and blew the smoke up.
As he watched the smoke slowly fade to nothingness, the silence suddenly felt twice as deafening, the coldness twice as freezing and the thoughts in his head, twice as striking.
This place. It is his as much as it is Yunho's. It is where they grew up together. It is where they have seen each other in their best and lowest times. And it is where they battled the toughest ups and downs they have been through together. How could Yunho let someone, other than him, live in this place? How could he welcome someone, with the same loving arms he used to welcome him with, in this place? This was their home. It was the only place where they could live with each other without restrictions; it was the only place where they could love each other without boundaries. How could Yunho let someone, other than him, in?
Tears fell from both sides of his eyes as he blinked, still looking up to the ceiling as if only just realizing that the smoke he was staring at had already completely vanished. The cigarette in his subtly shaking fingers was already near halfway up its stub, though he still hasn't dealt with it after his first intake.
He knew he shouldn't feel this vulnerable when there was no one around to hug him, it would only make him feel more fragile. He thought of calling Yoochun or Changmin when the door in the living room suddenly opened and the lights followed. A thud was heard after the door was closed, someone threw his body on the couch. He was home.
As though he was suddenly pulled awake from a fleeting dream, Jaejoong immediately pinched his cigarette down hard on the ashtray's burned surface. He sat up straight and wiped his cheeks thoroughly, not wanting to leave any mark of his emotions. He brushed his hair up and slightly pulled his cardigan on both shoulders to tidy himself from the dispirited mess that he was. He took a quick glance of himself through the glass door of the cabinet right across the kitchen bar, expecting to see a fine young man but to his dismay, the reflection showed nothing of the confident person he used to be. He still looked distressed, restless, despite his effort to hold himself together. And as if his face was not depressing enough, right before the miserable image he wanted to tear his eyes away from were the lonely bottle of soju and the worn out glass he used.
'What happened to you?' He wanted to ask out loud. He wanted to ask it out real loud so he could get through the man he was staring at.
He only realized he already knew the answer to his question when he finally noticed the figure standing behind him through the reflection on the glass mirror. "You're home" he said, faking surprise and coating his voice with made-up liveliness.
"Waiting for me?" Yunho replied with a tired, yet still, sweet smile as he pulled the wooden stool next to Jaejoong and sat on it.
Jaejoong smiled in return, but just a blink of an eye would reveal everything he has hidden inside. "I couldn't sleep." He said, his hands instantly reaching for the glass he didn't want to touch again. He wanted to avoid the eyes that would be searching for assurance in his, and a new bottle of alcohol offered just what he needed. He watched as the liquor gracefully spilled from the bottle, filling his glass a colorless shade. "Do you want me to get you a glass?" He asked the man who was quietly watching him. And probably waiting for him to look at him.
"Sure" Yunho's answer sounded exhausted, like he didn't really want to drink but he couldn't say no. His tone was clearly trying to convince Jaejoong that he wanted to but he wasn't aware that the more he tried to deny his guilt, the more his feelings dripped out of his words and actions.
Jaejoong wished Yunho would stop doing this. He wanted Yunho to say no if he didn't really want to. He wanted him to be just himself, like how he used to before she happened. Jaejoong wanted Yunho to prove to him that nothing changed and that her presence doesn't matter anymore because they're already over and he's now completely back with him. He simply wanted Yunho to be the man he came to love, not the guilt-driven man he is right now.
They were never careful with each other. They could be anyone and anything they wanted to be when they're together. But as Jaejoong listened to Yunho's breathing as he poured the man's glass a little amount of soju, he was once again reminded that that reality has now been tainted with wounds and tears.
"How was the shoot today? Did you have a great time?" Jaejoong asked after handing over the glass to Yunho. He understood, probably even more than Yunho, that honest words meant deeper wounds. He didn't want that for both of them. He only wanted to be happy with Yunho again, to be the perfect-fit couple, brothers and best friends they once used to be. If he could erase all the uncertainties they feel by ignoring the fragile feelings in between every moment they shared, he would willingly act like nothing happened even if it will seem that he only covered the surface of the unhealed wounds.
"Yeah" Yunho smiled a sad and beaten smile. He knew Jaejoong wasn't, in the least bit, asking about how working with her went but every time their conversation comes anywhere near his soon to be finished project, he couldn't stop his mind from drowning his self in guilt.
Because of a fleeting pleasure he mistook as attraction, he broke up with Jaejoong, started dating and living with his lead actress in this place, presented to the whole nation a relationship that has always been awaited, and informed those who supported him and Jaejoong that he messed up. He messed things up real bad. And now that he wanted to make things right, it kills him that he couldn't find where to start anymore.
When Jaejoong suddenly shifted on his seat to face him, Yunho realized he dazed off again. And even before he felt they were there, his tears were already painting on his cheeks the guilt and torment he was feeling.
Strong, gentle hands cupped his face and he was soon buried in the accepting hug he thought he would never have the chance to feel again. "I'm sorry Jaejoong" He said, "I'm sorry I hurt you" he cried and held on to Jaejoong like a kid not wanting to break away from his leaving parents knowing that if he lets go, he wouldn't get to hold them again. "You can hurt me as many times as you like. You can break me into pieces until you're satisfied Jaejoong. I wouldn't care. Just, please... don't leave me. I can't stand that... I can't."
Jaejoong was still in deep pain. It still hurts him to be fully aware that no matter how many times Yunho says sorry and no matter how many times he sleeps the pain away, it wouldn't change the fact that the man he loves most once left him for a woman. Even if they spend another decade together, he would still remember everything when he closes his eyes at night. And there will always be his fear that Yunho might suddenly leave him again one day.
Maybe people were wrong when they said time heals everything, but Jaejoong hoped they aren't. He truly hoped that just this once, he will believe in the right words, in the right moment, and in the right man.
He knew that every time Yunho says sorry, he would forgive him each time because he wholeheartedly did the first time Yunho came back to him and said everything's over between him and her. He just didn't imagine growing up apart to be like this. He didn't understand that once Yunho gets into a new - different - relationship, that person will be a part of his life whether they stay together forever or not. It will be a truth no one will be able to deny because it is as real as every happiness and pain one could feel, and that was what Jaejoong did not like - the existence of someone, other than him, in Yunho's life.
It didn't occur to him that accepting the man again would mean he was accepting the pain that came along as well. But his love for Yunho has always been strong. It's always strong that even he, himself, could not tell anymore whether it's still a mere feeling or not. If there's something stronger and truer than emotions, perhaps that would be the right term to call it.
"Sshh, I will not leave you Yunho. I'm just here. I won't leave, I promise."
It was the reason why he was still here, assuring Yunho that he would not leave. He was still here accepting and embracing all the anguish as though it was his own, even with all the pain he's been hiding inside.
Maybe tomorrow night, when he wakes up and finds Yunho still out at work, he would feel uneasy again and he would have to go through the agony of reassuring himself that Yunho will definitely come back home to him.
Maybe tomorrow night, when Yunho comes home from work and finds him drinking, the man would feel guilty again and he would have to go through the agony of reassuring himself that Jaejoong will definitely not leave him.
Maybe it would go on and on for many nights because none of them could really reassure each other that everything will be okay and everything will be back to normal, even if they're together again. Maybe all the guilt and pain would go on and on until their wounds completely heal, and they won't be blinded by fear anymore.
Though things could have been simpler and easier if they parted ways, Jaejoong was only certain of one thing. When he wakes up tomorrow morning, it is Yunho's face he wants to see. This feeling was enough to get him through the many sleepless nights. He just didn't know, it has been the same for Yunho all along.
A/N: Some parts are edited to clarify some points of the story. I'm really sorry to the first readers. I didn't realize it wasn't clear that Yunho broke up with the 'girl' and that he got back together with Jaejoong. But that was how it went. And honestly, I don't know if the parts I changed helped at all.