Thoughts on Church, among other things
Before I say anything else, I want to say this: My church does some loving things--we have a food ministry that serves people without asking *anything*--money, attendance, signature, *anything*--in return and that expects nothing in return. *That* is a ministry of love. We help local food pantries and the local victim rights group and a few of the local shelters. *Those* are ministries of love. We have the will to be loving--but we have a deep wound that the people refuse to heal and that thus disallows much of what could be so great and so loving--and much of what *should* be happening. That said, I have some things to say on the subject of love and church.
I have reached a clarity in my mind of what church should be. This issue has worried at me for a while now, because it seems like the church should be so many things--helping the down and out, educating, providing for worship, etc. But I think that, really, the church should be a place of love.
Yeah, that seems obvious, I know. I mean, with the verse "God is love," and with Jesus being a loving kinda guy and telling us to "Love God" and "love one another," it's right there and open and obvious.
But in reality, it's *not* that obvious--or, it seems not to be given how church members routinely treat each other (which is bad enough) or how they treat 'outsiders.' I'm not talking about just my particular church (although we have many people who fall prey to this behavior here). People snipe. People bicker. People talk to other people and spread gossip instead of going straight to the person with whom they have a problem. People shoot the messenger. People don't apologize. People complain--a lot. People complain if there's a page for notes in the bulletin, and people complain if there's *not* a page for notes in the bulletin. People complain that they can't hear, that the pastor is too loud, that the music is too fast or too slow, that the kids are being noticeable. And when good suggestions are given that are based on facts and reality and knowledge--they're brushed aside, particularly if they come from a perceived 'outsider.' "What could that person know about this situation? I'm better than that person because I'm here more Sundays." People complain about people without knowing the facts of the situation. People approach the secretary on Sunday to talk about work-related issues, even when they've been asked to keep that to the workweek.
Yes, some of this is coming from my own personal experience, but I'm positive it happens all over the place. And my point, in listing all of that behavior is that all of that behavior takes places in the church. Where's the love, people??
How is it loving to tell someone else and someone else and someone else and someone else (and so on) that you don't like the secretary's e-mail signature, when you haven't talked with the secretary about it? (And on a personal note, my e-mail signature is a quote about peace from the Dalai Lama--I'm slightly surprised and much disheartened to hear there are people who don't like it because it's not a Jesus-quote.) I'm pretty sure there's a verse in the Bible that says if one has a problem with somone else in the community, one should go talk with that someone else directly. So what's with the sniping around? What's with the talking behind the back? (This happened with our last pastor and was eventually one of the things that drove her from our church. Ironically, the same people doing that talking then made very sure I wouldn't leave (since she and I talked), and now they're starting the same kind of thing with me--and I'm just the secretary!!) Yeah, that's minor, but when it's piled on top of other things, one really has to wonder: where's the love?
How is it loving to call a kid bad for acting out in church--especially when that kid has ADHD? The kid in question is actually *not* bad--he's smart and mature and really, really good. But he has ADHD+. That's pretty hard to deal with. And all informed suggestions on how to help him and deal with him were brushed aside in favor of trying to sit on him and yell at him and berate him and "give him the evil eye." Again, where's the love? A suggestion was made to give the kid a small puzzle to play with during the sermon--like those tangled-togeter nails or whatever--to help him fidget in *small* and *less distracting* ways. It was brushed aside--"Oh, he'll just distract and annoy people." Well, isn't the problem now that he's distracting and upsetting people?? Isn't the point to try to help him be quieter and calmer? Where's the love? So what if the other kids will want the puzzles, too? The puzzles are cheap--less than 50 cents apiece--and it would give all the kids something to focus on while they listened. Where is the love???
How is it loving to commit the same damned mistake over and over and over instead of actually facing a problem and healing? My church has a history of falling in love with a pastor quickly, then 'disposing of' that pastor in whatever means possible within a few years--shortly after the 'honeymoon phase' wears off. It seems they like pastoral puppy-love but can't deal with post-honeymoon reality--that pastors have faults, too. And they're getting ready to do it again. And they can't see it, because they're so used to the pattern. They're gearing up to take the one we've got and woo and adore said pastor; I wonder where that will lead in 3 years. What church (aside from those who mandate pastoral changes every so many years) goes through *several* pastors in 15 years?? And they know the pattern is there--it's been brought to their attention. But they can't deal with their own failings, their own mistakes, and so they continue on in a path of destruction and hurt. Where's the love?
For some reason, lately churches seem to think it's their duty to moralize the world. They support abortion or choice, women's rights or male-dominant households, being 'Patriotic' or patriotic, the left or the right, hetro-only marriage or GLBT rights, etc. Where's the love? When Jesus interacted with people, he didn't pick and choose based on what a person believed. Jesus helped both the adulterous woman and the woman at the well. He helped the man who was lowered on the mat and the centurion's child. He helped the lady who touched his cloak and the man filled with demons. When Jesus spoke, he spoke about being like a child, using our gifts wisely, choosing our path carefully, tending to our own beliefs, helping people regardless of belief/status/conditions. When Jesus got angry, his anger was directed at hypocrisy and holier-than-thou-ness and mixing business with church. Jesus lived love, and he told us to live love. So...where's the love?
Having said all of that, of course I recognize that no church is perfect and that there are problems in all churches. But it seems like when some huge problems recur and when no one is going directly to the source and when no one is bothering to try the loving, informed suggestion...there's a serious lack of love.
Instead of getting caught up on issues, perhaps we should just love the person/people involved. Maybe we could listen; maybe we could accompany them to a nerve-wracking appointment, no matter the person's decision. Perhaps we could show love and support by delivering casseroles and breads and pies during hard times. Perhaps we could hug each other. Maybe we could explain *all* the options available and love the person no matter what s/he chooses. Maybe we could *not* talk behind people's backs and instead go to the source. We might be surprised what we learn and how it changes our perspective. Maybe we could work to eliminate poverty--by supporting pantries, by supporting shelters, by offering GED courses, by offering financial counseling. Perhaps we could *not* judge one another. Maybe we could heal ourselves of our deep wounds before attempting to move on. Perhaps we could help people without asking for anything in return, without expecting anything in return--like the good Samaritan. And, like the good Samaritan, we could help people without judging their conditions, choosing by their beliefs, moralizing them. Perhaps we could be *okay* with differences in belief, because that shouldn't matter when it comes to loving someone.
Maybe...just maybe...we could love them.
I know. It blows the mind, doesn't it?
I wish I had a way to share this with my church without fear of the result. I'm afraid that saying this could result in all manner of unpleasantness, since I work at my church. I have two jobs with my church, even. For one of them, I'm badgered about it during worship if I come on Sunday (which is the primary reason I usually *don't* come, closely followed by the blatant hypocrisy of the non-lovingness covered with a thin veneer of welcomingness). For the other, no one ever recalls that I do it, and they tend to get in my face when I come up with informed suggestions relating to it. When I point out that I do actually do that work, they are taken aback...but then they do the same damned thing the next time we talk about that subject. It's tiresome.
And I hate that I can't really share myself, my beliefs, and my thoughts about all of this with my church because of my fear of what might happen. I know the why of my not being able to do so--it's that deep wound that needs healing. But the people here refuse to let it heal, to even acknowledge it's there, and so it scabs over...but then it festers again and flares up and disrupts the natural process of living in love. And the people act on that flaring up...and then all the progress is lost. And it leads to people like me who came in a time of peace, when the heart of the people here shone through...but who then witnessed the ugliness and saw the pattern and see it happening again and want to help but don't have recourse to do so. Where's the love?? Most of the reason I'm still here is that desire to help and because of that second job, which I love and which I don't want to lose and which I'm afraid I will lose if I stop attending altogether. Where's the love, people?
Most of the reason I'm still identifying as Christian is in spite of the Church. I'm not a fan of the factionalization. I'm not a fan of the religious bigotry, the "beat 'em over the head" mentality. And I don't think Jesus was or would be today, either. I *am* a fan of real education--a place where the church has seriously let its people down. I *am* a fan of loving people no matter what. And I think Jesus was and would be today, too. And I see the Church fitting the first bill but not the second--being factionalized, not educating, beating people over the head, not loving no matter what. And that is a very sad thing.
Where is the love?
Peace and love.
I have reached a clarity in my mind of what church should be. This issue has worried at me for a while now, because it seems like the church should be so many things--helping the down and out, educating, providing for worship, etc. But I think that, really, the church should be a place of love.
Yeah, that seems obvious, I know. I mean, with the verse "God is love," and with Jesus being a loving kinda guy and telling us to "Love God" and "love one another," it's right there and open and obvious.
But in reality, it's *not* that obvious--or, it seems not to be given how church members routinely treat each other (which is bad enough) or how they treat 'outsiders.' I'm not talking about just my particular church (although we have many people who fall prey to this behavior here). People snipe. People bicker. People talk to other people and spread gossip instead of going straight to the person with whom they have a problem. People shoot the messenger. People don't apologize. People complain--a lot. People complain if there's a page for notes in the bulletin, and people complain if there's *not* a page for notes in the bulletin. People complain that they can't hear, that the pastor is too loud, that the music is too fast or too slow, that the kids are being noticeable. And when good suggestions are given that are based on facts and reality and knowledge--they're brushed aside, particularly if they come from a perceived 'outsider.' "What could that person know about this situation? I'm better than that person because I'm here more Sundays." People complain about people without knowing the facts of the situation. People approach the secretary on Sunday to talk about work-related issues, even when they've been asked to keep that to the workweek.
Yes, some of this is coming from my own personal experience, but I'm positive it happens all over the place. And my point, in listing all of that behavior is that all of that behavior takes places in the church. Where's the love, people??
How is it loving to tell someone else and someone else and someone else and someone else (and so on) that you don't like the secretary's e-mail signature, when you haven't talked with the secretary about it? (And on a personal note, my e-mail signature is a quote about peace from the Dalai Lama--I'm slightly surprised and much disheartened to hear there are people who don't like it because it's not a Jesus-quote.) I'm pretty sure there's a verse in the Bible that says if one has a problem with somone else in the community, one should go talk with that someone else directly. So what's with the sniping around? What's with the talking behind the back? (This happened with our last pastor and was eventually one of the things that drove her from our church. Ironically, the same people doing that talking then made very sure I wouldn't leave (since she and I talked), and now they're starting the same kind of thing with me--and I'm just the secretary!!) Yeah, that's minor, but when it's piled on top of other things, one really has to wonder: where's the love?
How is it loving to call a kid bad for acting out in church--especially when that kid has ADHD? The kid in question is actually *not* bad--he's smart and mature and really, really good. But he has ADHD+. That's pretty hard to deal with. And all informed suggestions on how to help him and deal with him were brushed aside in favor of trying to sit on him and yell at him and berate him and "give him the evil eye." Again, where's the love? A suggestion was made to give the kid a small puzzle to play with during the sermon--like those tangled-togeter nails or whatever--to help him fidget in *small* and *less distracting* ways. It was brushed aside--"Oh, he'll just distract and annoy people." Well, isn't the problem now that he's distracting and upsetting people?? Isn't the point to try to help him be quieter and calmer? Where's the love? So what if the other kids will want the puzzles, too? The puzzles are cheap--less than 50 cents apiece--and it would give all the kids something to focus on while they listened. Where is the love???
How is it loving to commit the same damned mistake over and over and over instead of actually facing a problem and healing? My church has a history of falling in love with a pastor quickly, then 'disposing of' that pastor in whatever means possible within a few years--shortly after the 'honeymoon phase' wears off. It seems they like pastoral puppy-love but can't deal with post-honeymoon reality--that pastors have faults, too. And they're getting ready to do it again. And they can't see it, because they're so used to the pattern. They're gearing up to take the one we've got and woo and adore said pastor; I wonder where that will lead in 3 years. What church (aside from those who mandate pastoral changes every so many years) goes through *several* pastors in 15 years?? And they know the pattern is there--it's been brought to their attention. But they can't deal with their own failings, their own mistakes, and so they continue on in a path of destruction and hurt. Where's the love?
For some reason, lately churches seem to think it's their duty to moralize the world. They support abortion or choice, women's rights or male-dominant households, being 'Patriotic' or patriotic, the left or the right, hetro-only marriage or GLBT rights, etc. Where's the love? When Jesus interacted with people, he didn't pick and choose based on what a person believed. Jesus helped both the adulterous woman and the woman at the well. He helped the man who was lowered on the mat and the centurion's child. He helped the lady who touched his cloak and the man filled with demons. When Jesus spoke, he spoke about being like a child, using our gifts wisely, choosing our path carefully, tending to our own beliefs, helping people regardless of belief/status/conditions. When Jesus got angry, his anger was directed at hypocrisy and holier-than-thou-ness and mixing business with church. Jesus lived love, and he told us to live love. So...where's the love?
Having said all of that, of course I recognize that no church is perfect and that there are problems in all churches. But it seems like when some huge problems recur and when no one is going directly to the source and when no one is bothering to try the loving, informed suggestion...there's a serious lack of love.
Instead of getting caught up on issues, perhaps we should just love the person/people involved. Maybe we could listen; maybe we could accompany them to a nerve-wracking appointment, no matter the person's decision. Perhaps we could show love and support by delivering casseroles and breads and pies during hard times. Perhaps we could hug each other. Maybe we could explain *all* the options available and love the person no matter what s/he chooses. Maybe we could *not* talk behind people's backs and instead go to the source. We might be surprised what we learn and how it changes our perspective. Maybe we could work to eliminate poverty--by supporting pantries, by supporting shelters, by offering GED courses, by offering financial counseling. Perhaps we could *not* judge one another. Maybe we could heal ourselves of our deep wounds before attempting to move on. Perhaps we could help people without asking for anything in return, without expecting anything in return--like the good Samaritan. And, like the good Samaritan, we could help people without judging their conditions, choosing by their beliefs, moralizing them. Perhaps we could be *okay* with differences in belief, because that shouldn't matter when it comes to loving someone.
Maybe...just maybe...we could love them.
I know. It blows the mind, doesn't it?
I wish I had a way to share this with my church without fear of the result. I'm afraid that saying this could result in all manner of unpleasantness, since I work at my church. I have two jobs with my church, even. For one of them, I'm badgered about it during worship if I come on Sunday (which is the primary reason I usually *don't* come, closely followed by the blatant hypocrisy of the non-lovingness covered with a thin veneer of welcomingness). For the other, no one ever recalls that I do it, and they tend to get in my face when I come up with informed suggestions relating to it. When I point out that I do actually do that work, they are taken aback...but then they do the same damned thing the next time we talk about that subject. It's tiresome.
And I hate that I can't really share myself, my beliefs, and my thoughts about all of this with my church because of my fear of what might happen. I know the why of my not being able to do so--it's that deep wound that needs healing. But the people here refuse to let it heal, to even acknowledge it's there, and so it scabs over...but then it festers again and flares up and disrupts the natural process of living in love. And the people act on that flaring up...and then all the progress is lost. And it leads to people like me who came in a time of peace, when the heart of the people here shone through...but who then witnessed the ugliness and saw the pattern and see it happening again and want to help but don't have recourse to do so. Where's the love?? Most of the reason I'm still here is that desire to help and because of that second job, which I love and which I don't want to lose and which I'm afraid I will lose if I stop attending altogether. Where's the love, people?
Most of the reason I'm still identifying as Christian is in spite of the Church. I'm not a fan of the factionalization. I'm not a fan of the religious bigotry, the "beat 'em over the head" mentality. And I don't think Jesus was or would be today, either. I *am* a fan of real education--a place where the church has seriously let its people down. I *am* a fan of loving people no matter what. And I think Jesus was and would be today, too. And I see the Church fitting the first bill but not the second--being factionalized, not educating, beating people over the head, not loving no matter what. And that is a very sad thing.
Where is the love?
Peace and love.