He's Better as a Memory than as My Man
He is Better as a Memory than as My Man :D
Today I found out "he" was seeing someone. I knew he was talking to someone, because he texts me every now and again- same old shit, different day. But I've gotten really good at telling him to shove it where the sun doesn't shine. Well, today I got the little thing saying he had changed his relationship status and I looked and it was awesome, I didn't feel anything. It's amazing because I have been dreading this day for so long. But somewhere between the dread and moving on, I lost whatever I thought I would feel. I don't love him anymore, not like I used to. I still have a place in my heart for him. If he died, I would be sad but if he got married tomorrow, I'd be happy for him, because I can do better. I deserve better. I deserve a man that listens to me and that appreciates the finer things in life and by finer, I only mean that I want a man that reads and that is cultured in more than Redneck Livin' 101. I'm not trying to bash him, I'm just saying that he deserves someone with lower expectations and I deserve the opposite.
Life works in funny ways, the thing you wanted more than anything just a few months ago, you suddenly realize you don't want at all. I could never go back to that life or that person that I was when we were together. I chose him over my family far too many times and when someone really loves you, they won't make you choose. I don't even think I know who I was when we were together. I am sure I was someone that I never want to be again, that I am sure of. What I wanted and I needed took a backseat to what he needed and wanted, and never again can I do that. I told a friend just the other day that at the end of the day, the only person he has to answer to is the man staring back at him when he looks in the mirror. I should have taken my own advice a long time ago.
I tried to force something to work that didn't stand a snowball's chance in Hell. And I am so happy now. I can honestly sit alone in my room with just my novel-in-progress and be happier than I ever was in his arms. It seems like a screwy thing to say, but I mean it. I didn't know what happiness was for three years of my life! If I hadn't learned a hell of a lesson, I would wager it was wasted time but I learned how to love and be loved in return. I learned what I want in a man and what I don't want in a man. And I thank him for all that he gave me and I hope that he treats this new girl a little better than he treated me. I hope he never makes her choose between him and her family and that if he does, she chooses her family, like I should have.
And that being said, this whole blog is to express how indifferent I am to him. I read his relationship status, said whatever and went back to my music and my novel-in-progress. And I am proud of myself! I learned to love myself without him
And there's no greater feeling in the world than realizing that you are gonna be just fine on your own. And I've dated since I've gotten back to school and had two boyfriends over the summer and even though none of them made it very far, I proved that there is life without my ex-fiance.
Life goes on and mine's going great!!!