Standing at a Crossroads with a Tank of Dreams and Gasoline...
So, it's been 2.5 days and I think I can write about it now. After 3 years of fighting for love and for a future together, it's over. And that's sounds like I should be devestated, but I'm not. I have known it was a over for a long time and tried to end it before but I was so afraid of being alone.
A friend asked me what happened and I said, it's sounds like a cop-out but we started to grow apart when I left for Virginia Tech and we kept trying to make it work and then the next thing I knew, I looked up and he was so far away from where I was that I couldn't see him anymore. And that's what happened.
I cried for about 45 minutes when it first happened and I rushed to my nanie's for the comfort she's so good at giving. And then when I told her about the fight and the things he had said in anger, for once she told me to let him go. She has always been the only one to tell me to fight and she said not this time.
So, I went out with an old friend last night and had a blast, just laughing and talking and it was refreshing. I didn't have to worry about what Robbie would say when he found out I was hanging out with a guy and without that ring on my finger, I felt a freedom I had no idea I was longing for.
I realize I might sound heartless right now but to quote Reba, "The world still turns and the sun still burns and that's what I've learned without you and the days go and the nights get longer too, so don't think I didn't love you just because I made it through but I learned to love myself without you."
I loved Robbie soooo much and to be honest, I still do and I always will but a part of me died when we broke up- the "us" part of me died, or rather I laid it in the ground because I've been carrying around the dead "us" for far too long and I just finally realized I was trying to make the spirit of a relationship last but it can't. There are so many good times that I will never forget and I honestly believed we would be together forever when he asked me to marry him last August but I guess we were just two kids taking ourselves way too seriously.
And when I lay in bed at night, it hurts the most because there's no one to tell me goodnight and they love me but you know what? I don't need anyone to tell me that anymore. My family loves me and I love me, my friends love me and God loves me (mostly lol jk, he does love me). But I have been smiling so very much lately and some lady said I was "glowing" earlier. Because I'm free and not because the love died but because who we were 3 years ago died. Robbie has been a part of my life since I was 16 years old, that's a huge gap of growing up that I thought I could do with him every step of the way and well, I couldn't.
But all in all, I'm happy and not at all falling apart. My mother is beyond shocked at how well I am taking it. She keeps saying, "You are taking this so well!" I think she expected me to fall into a million pieces like I did last year but last year I was shocked but I saw this one coming a million miles away. And when I saw it this time, I didn't run away like I have so many times when I felt we were losing "us." Instead, I said, "Okay, well, if not now then when? Might as well get it over with before there's marriage, kids, dogs, and houses in the mix." And I thank God that I didn't let it get that far before I said to myself, "I want a guy that likes at least 20% of the things I like and has somewhat similar goals to mine."
So, yeh I'm single and loving it!
<3 Amber <3