Walking contradiction
I've been logging onto AIM as "invisible" these days to avoid having to chat with her...but I check my buddy list every 10 minutes to see if she's on.
I had a very long and convoluted dream last night where she was there...as my significant other still.
I left my apartment to study for my upcoming test on Friday at a nearby Starbucks so I wouldn't sit in front of my computer where all I do is think about her...and I wound up falling asleep there.
I went to dinner with her, to our old favorite place in Chinatown. I felt like I was only half there: I was sitting there, eating, talking and joking as if it was like old times...but I was also looking at me, looking at how I was looking at her, screaming and howling in rage that this was a lie, a charade of something that was once real and wonderful, a mockery of our past.
I dropped her off at home so that she could catch Gossip Girl, a show that we used to watch together...but not anymore. Cuz it's not like I think about her enough, is it?
I don't deserve to be listened to by anyone at this point, since I'm bringing all of this upon myself...but here I sit, typing anyway.
I think part of my problem is that, now that we're both single and getting back to our old selves again, I'm finding that she's getting back to being the girl who I first fell for. She's more energetic, more outgoing, more vibrant...and more out of reach than ever.
If this doesn't get the slightest bit easy in the next few weeks, I might have to cut her from my life completely...or ask her to take me back. I'm not sure which one is worse...
I had a very long and convoluted dream last night where she was there...as my significant other still.
I left my apartment to study for my upcoming test on Friday at a nearby Starbucks so I wouldn't sit in front of my computer where all I do is think about her...and I wound up falling asleep there.
I went to dinner with her, to our old favorite place in Chinatown. I felt like I was only half there: I was sitting there, eating, talking and joking as if it was like old times...but I was also looking at me, looking at how I was looking at her, screaming and howling in rage that this was a lie, a charade of something that was once real and wonderful, a mockery of our past.
I dropped her off at home so that she could catch Gossip Girl, a show that we used to watch together...but not anymore. Cuz it's not like I think about her enough, is it?
I don't deserve to be listened to by anyone at this point, since I'm bringing all of this upon myself...but here I sit, typing anyway.
I think part of my problem is that, now that we're both single and getting back to our old selves again, I'm finding that she's getting back to being the girl who I first fell for. She's more energetic, more outgoing, more vibrant...and more out of reach than ever.
If this doesn't get the slightest bit easy in the next few weeks, I might have to cut her from my life completely...or ask her to take me back. I'm not sure which one is worse...