The Worst-Case Scenario Handbook: Harry Potter
Only really funny if you are a Harry Potter fandom whore, like me. Had me giggling all morning.
A Guide to Surviving the Worst in the Harry Potter Universe, With No Illustrations
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What To Do If The House Elves Revolt Against All Wizardkind In An Orgy Of Rebellion and Carnage - Don't Look At Me Like That It Could Happen
1. Don sturdy shoes. Due to their size, house elves will usually attack an opponent's feet first of all.
2. For similar reasons, armoured trousers are a good idea.
3. If you are reasonably short, you may wish to disguise yourself as an elf to avoid being attacked. To do this you will need a tea towel and complete disregard for the rules of English grammar.
4. Do not make the classic mistake of disguising yourself as the wrong sort of elf. Lord of the Rings was very badly received amongst the house elf community due to its erroneous portrayal of the elvish population as being tall, blonde, and nancing, and you will only incense them by dressing up as Legolas.
5. If cornered by a band of house elves, climb a tall tree. Do not be afraid that they will cut the tree down, as house elves are domestic servants and have no horticultural skills worth mentioning. But do not be surprised if they chuck frying pans at you instead.
6. Make friends with Hermione Granger. Join SPEW. Proclaim your support for the rebellion from the rooftops. Avoid the Malfoys and their ilk like the plague (until Malfoy Manor is razed to the ground, of course, when you can stop by and do a little quiet pillaging).
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What To Do If You Have To Attend A Formal Function
1. Make sure you know well in advance what sort of function you are meant to be attending. Avoid the embarrassing possibility of turning up to a Hogwarts Yule Ball dressed for a Dark Revel, or vice versa.
2. Find yourself a date. If you are attending a Yule Ball or similar, you will need to win your date's acceptance with flowers, compliments, etc. If you are attending a Dark Revel you will need to hit your date over the head with something heavy and tie them up.
3. Think your outfit through at least a week in advance. Make sure that your shoes, dress robes, etc are all chosen with due care. If you are taking chains/handcuffs, make sure they are not rusty and have been polished (avoid cheap restraints, as these will often leave unsightly green marks on your fellow guests' wrists, which is irritating for all concerned.)
4. If you feel nervous about the event, practise a few conversation-openers. Make sure these are appropriate to the sort of function you happen to be attending. For example, "Dumbledore was a pretty spiffy sort of bloke, wasn't he?" will not be well received if you are attending an elegant soiree chez Voldemort - whilst "Pass the bullwhip, please," is a perfect ice-breaker.
5. At the end of the evening, thank your host/hostess for a lovely time. If you have been to a Dark Revel, be considerate and remember to take any severed limbs with you. It is not the host/hostess' job to reunite people with their misplaced body parts the day after a party.
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What To Do If You Have To Spy On The Other Side Or The Other Other Side
1. Make sure your will and other legal documents are in good order.
2. Write insulting letters to everybody you know. Put them in a secure place where they will be discovered on the event of your death. (Make sure they aren't discovered before your death, obviously, in order to avoid needless kerfuffle).
3. Behave suspiciously: constantly move your eyes backwards and forwards as if watching an invisible tennis match, chuckle ceaselessly under your breath, make annoyingly obscure statements in a mysterious tone. This will immediately divert your colleagues' suspicions, as it is well known that the most suspicious person is never the spy.
4. If you are discovered, offer to become a double agent. If you are discovered to be a double agent, offer to become a triple agent. (Becoming a quadruple agent is not advised, as you may well end by imploding out of sheer confusion.)
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What To Do If Voldemort Has Captured Your Close Friend/Relative As Part Of An Unimaginative Plot
1. Take several deep, cleansing breaths.
2. Take several more cleansing breaths.
3. Make sure that your friend/relative has actually been captured. Do not accept dream visions/the word of someone who is known to loathe you/a funny feeling in your little toe as concrete proof.
4. Once you have checked that your friend/relative is really captured, check again. You cannot be too careful about this point. Imagine how humiliated you would be if you charged into Voldemort's lair to rescue the hostage only to discover that he/she is in fact sitting safe at home playing Monopoly with a close friend.
5. Once you have ascertained the capture is genuine, do not hastily assemble a small group of your closest friends and attempt to liberate your loved one. Instead, gather the cleverest people of your acquaintance and concoct a fiendishly cunning escape plan for your friend/relative's rescue.
6. Do not attend the rescue mission personally. Instead, remain at home and blow up balloons for the welcome home party that will follow your friend/relative's rescue.
7. If you are unable to rescue your friend/relative, do not offer yourself as a hostage in his/her place. Instead, meet a representative of Voldemort's for tea at a neutral location (Switzerland, for instance, or your local supermarket), and discuss ransom arrangements.
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What To Do If You Encounter A Wizarding Invention/Cultural Reference You Are Not Familiar With
1. Enquire what the invention/cultural reference is at the earliest opportunity. It will almost certainly be important to the story, and may also be important for your personal safety.
2. If you are alone and encounter a wizarding invention you have never seen before, don't touch it.
3. Don't prod it with your wand.
4. Don't drink it.
5. Don't jump into it.
6. Don't take it apart to see how it works.
7. Don't befriend it and tell it all your deepest secrets.
8. In short, keep well away from anything until you are sure how it works/what it does. Otherwise you may well experience a very messy accident (c.f. Bartholomew Jones, the muggleborn wizard who attempted to drink brandy from the Goblet of Fire in 1810, with disastrous consequences).
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What To Do If The School Is Attacked
1. Look for an escape route. For example, use the secret passageway that leads from Hogwarts to Honeydukes
2. Alternatively, escape using portkey, broom, hippogriff, hot air balloon, or similar. DO NOT show yourself up by forgetting that is impossible to apparate on Hogwarts' grounds. You will die and Hermione Granger will spit on your grave.
3. If escape seems impossible, hide.
4. If hiding is impossible, find a safe place in the battle (under a table, or something).
5. DO NOT: tell your friends how you wish to be buried, make your best friend promise to look after your family if you die, say that you always wanted to see the sea, talk about dead relatives you long to see again, wonder aloud what heaven would look like, wisely remark that death is not to be feared, etc, etc, etc.
6. Keep hold of your wand. As a precaution, take wands from any dead bodies you may encounter. (Don't worry, they would almost certainly want you to do this.)
7. If you loose your wand, avail yourself of a makeshift weapon: phials of potion can be thrown at an enemy, as can furniture, bricks, other students, etc.
8. If all else fails, play dead. Gnaw at enemy ankles when you get the chance.
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What To Do If You Are Attacked By A Dementor
1. Dementors feed off happy feelings, so make yourself unappetising by thinking depressing thoughts. Good topics would include: death, war, famine, disease, poverty, global warming, the fact that you are being attacked by a dementor.
2. If the dementor attacks you anyway, use a patronus charm. Do not be embarrassed if your patronus form is something stupid, like a snail or a packet of fish fingers. Dementors have no sense of humour, and will therefore not mock you.
3. If you are unable to use a patronus, fashion a decoy patronus from a large silver helium balloon, a huge quantity of tinfoil, a gigantic light bulb, or anything else that may be lying around.
4. Alternatively, when the dementor closes in on you to deliver the Kiss, pat it on the cheek and say "I had a great time tonight, babe, but let's not rush things, ok?" Whilst the dementor is confused/revolted, run away.
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What To Do When Duelling A Death Eater
1. Remain on your guard at all times. Don't get distracted by interesting scenery/the rather attractive Death Eater standing some distance away/wondering whether you've forgotten to tape Eastenders.
2. Aim to either stun or kill immediately. Don't show off with fancy jinxes or sparkling repartee - it will just waste time and make you look a total prat.
3. Do not taunt the death eater in the hope that s/he may become so angry that s/he may make a mistake. This is a stupid idea.
4. Make sure that you are fully cognisant of where you are duelling. DO NOT duel near:
- a large vat of deadly potion
- a cage with some sort of deadly creature in it
- unoccupied death eaters who may assist your opponent
- load-bearing walls/pillars (if inside)
- a sheer drop
- a veiled gateway into the great hereafter
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What To Do If You Are Carrying Voldemort's Vile Spawn Of Evil
1. Do your research. Giving birth to the Misbegotten Offspring of Iniquity is not like having a normal baby. In order to avoid unpleasant surprises, check how long your pregnancy will last, which orifice the baby will emerge from, etc.
2. Choose godparents carefully. They matter more in the Harry Potter universe, for some reason. It is as yet unknown whether the godparent has any financial claim on his/her godchild, or whether there's some kind of prima nocte deal operating, but you don't want your offspring to have a horrible surprise once s/he reaches the age of consent, so make sure you plan ahead.
3. Rejoice in the fact that robes are convenient and flattering garments to wear during pregnancy.
4. Prepare yourself for pregnancy side-effects. Due to the fact that you are carrying Voldemort's Accursed Progeny of Doom, you will be spared stretch marks and morning sickness. Instead, prepare yourself for manic laughter at inopportune moments, sweating blood, and the ability to turn your head round 360 degrees.
5. After the birth, run away, as Voldemort will have no further use for you and may well kill you to stop you hanging around being a nuisance and pestering him about child support.
6. Sell your story to Witch Weekly, and live in comfort for the rest of your life.
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What To Do If You Are Being Subjected To An Unforgivable
1. If the unforgivable is Avada Kedavra, get a friend or relative to step in front of the curse, offering their life for yours. Not only will this save you, you will also have some nifty protection from your attacker in the future.
2. If it is Crucio, thrash around with pain for a while. Feel free to let yourself go, as attempting to put on a brave front will simply provoke your attacker to subject you to the curse for longer.
3. If your attacker is putting crucio on you in order to make you reveal an important secret, reveal the secret immediately. Afterwards, claim that the death eater "tricked" you into betraying your friends (this declaration should be made with much wringing of hands and gnashing of teeth - try to look as wretched as possible).
4. If it is Imperio, check whether or not your attacker is actually forcing you to do something you don't want to. If you are being ordered to perpetrate acts of horrifying evil, you may wish to resist. If, on the other hand, you are being ordered to eat seven boxes of chocolates and take a long hot bath, you may find you have no choice but to yield to the diabolically evil will which is governing you.
5. The best way to resist imperio is to have heroic strength of character.
6. If you do not happen to have heroic strength of character, think of the most annoying song you can, and hum it to yourself. This should effectively drive the voice of your attacker out of your head.
7. If it doesn't work, the song you've selected obviously isn't annoying enough. Have you tried "The song that never ends?"
8. How about "Jesus wants me for a sunbeam"?
9. In extreme circumstances, you may have to try "It's a small world after all", but this should only be used as a last resort and with every possible precaution. (If "It's a small world after all" proves unsuccessful, then your attacker is simply too powerful and you are surely doomed. Sorry.)
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What To Do If You Need To Travel Through Hogwarts At Night
1. Ask yourself if the journey is really necessary. Could it be put off until morning?
2. If your errand is really essential, prepare yourself adequately beforehand. Make sure you are wearing shoes that enable you to run.
3. Similarly, make sure you are properly dressed. Avoid wearing pyjamas, as the likelihood of running into someone else is high, and you don't want your reputation to be tarnished by being seen in a gammy grey nightshirt, now do you?
4. Sensible equipment to take includes:
- Invisibility cloak
- Marauders' map or similar
- Your wand
- Small first aid kit
- Sword
- Full body armour
- Protective helmet
- Burly bodyguard or henchperson
5. If it is practicable, inform a trustworthy friend of your journey. This will ensure that there is someone to give the alarm if you do not return.
6. Refuse your trustworthy friend's offer to accompany you. It is unacceptable to drag your friends along with you in your wild, irresponsible escapades. (Unless you are Harry Potter, naturally, when you will probably be accompanied by a small entourage of 2-5 people as a matter of course).
7. Keep track of your bearings at all times. It is easy to get lost in Hogwarts and stray off into dangerous, forbidden locations which are important for plot purposes.
8. When out of your common room, never relax your guard for a moment. Keep a watch for any students/ghosts/teachers/death eaters posing as teachers/teachers posing as death eaters/giant snakes/ex-convicts/cats/caretakers/people in invisibility cloaks/incarnations of Voldemort that may be prowling the halls.
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What To Do If You Encounter A Book
1. Flee. It is probably evil and intent upon your destruction.
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What To Do If You Have Several Horcruxes Lying Around Which Are Essential For Preserving Your Immortality And Without Which You Will Be Mortal And Hence Killable, Making Them Vital Weapons For Your Enemies To Use Against You
1. Check up on them from time to time to make sure people haven't nicked them. Don't just strew them around the countryside as the whim takes you.
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What To Do If You Are Captured By Voldemort Or His Henchpeople/Henchbeings
1. Try to lighten the situation. Make yourself agreeable to your captors by complementing their dress sense, or crack a few jokes. This will ease the tension and hopefully put all present at their ease.
2. Assess the situation. Are you tied up? What death eaters are guarding you? Where are you situated? For what purpose have you been captured? Are you still alive? Answering questions like these will help you to determine the best way to escape.
3. If you are pureblood, make a big thing of it. Conversely, if you do not happen to be pureblood, keep the fact a secret if you possibly can. Yelling "I'm muggleborn and proud of it, you murdering death eater scum! RAAAH!" is not advised unless you are either a total martyr or weary of life.
4. Offer to join Voldemort. His followers keep dying or being taken to Azkaban, so he will always be in need of extra staff. Pretend you possess qualities lacking in his present death eaters: claim you are a qualified masseuse, a gifted infiltrator, intelligent, etc.
5. Do not offer sexual favours to Voldemort in return for your liberation. (This point cannot be stressed strongly enough.)
6. If you are imprisoned in a dungeon or similar, check whether there's anyone else in there with you. A brave, resourceful cellmate could help you escape. If you are less lucky then your cellmate may be completely insane and clad in rags, and attempt to chew off your feet whilst you're asleep.
7. REMEMBER: If you end up sharing a cell with Remus Lupin, you will be obliged to sleep with him to avoid being eaten when he becomes a werewolf. It is advised that you sleep with him immediately on arrival, regardless of what stage of the lunar cycle it happens to be, and whether or not he actually has access to a supply of wolfsbane. You can never be too careful, after all.
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What To Do If Voldemort Attacks You
1. When he curses you, duck. The curse will hit the death eater standing behind you. If you can keep this up for long enough, his entire circle of death eaters will be dead, and it should be fairly easy for you to run to safety.
2. Alternatively, acquire a wand which is a brother to Voldemort's. Use priori incantatum as a clever escape ploy.
3. If at all possible, be Harry Potter.
4. Call Voldemort "Tom". It really annoys him, and makes you appear formidable.
5. Better yet, up the ante and start addressing him as "Bob."
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What To Do If The Other Side Wins
1. Do not despair. Running round in small circles or banging your head repeatedly against a wall screaming "WHY?!! WHY?!!!!" will make you an easy target for Death Eaters.
2. Assess your position. Are you a known opponent of Voldemort? Are you pureblooded? Decide whether or not it is possible for you to pretend to have been a supporter of Voldemort all along.
3. If it is, then do so. Praise Voldemort at every opportunity, and present him with some kind of offering: a chest of gold pieces, a piece of valuable Slytherin memorabilia, the Philosophers' stone, your firstborn, or similar.
4. If it is not possible for you to pose as a supporter of Voldemort, go into hiding. Choose a location as far away as possible. New Zealand or Australia would be a good spot. America is a less advisable choice, as Voldemort - a keen fan of Desperate Housewives - has made it clear that this country will be next on his list of places to attack.
5. If you cannot leave Britain, resist the temptation to "go muggle". You will remain at risk, as muggles are a prime target of Voldemort's.
6. Instead, fake your own death. REMEMBER: this will make it impossible for you to pay social calls. Many people pretending to be dead have given themselves away by attending birthday parties, christenings, etc after their own funeral.
7. DO NOT be tempted to plot Voldemort's downfall. Wait for a Gallant Band of Unlikely Heroes Battling Against the Odds to do it for you. They will have The Power of Righteousness (and some really inspiring theme music) on their side.
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What To Do If J.K Rowling Hates You
1. Take comfort in the fact that somewhere in the depths of the internet lurks a small but passionate group fanatically devoted to you.
2. This passionate group will almost certainly devote pages and pages of fanfiction to rescuing you and giving you make-overs/better lines/an interesting back-story/redemption/true love/cups of tea. So take heart.
3. If you happen to be Umbridge, the above will unfortunately not apply to you, as 99.9996% of readers hate your guts. But do not despair. Instead, enjoy being bad as bad can be, safe in the knowledge that it's what you do best. (You know you love it, you saucy minx).
4. Remember that no matter how much J.K Rowling may like you, she will have no compunction about bumping you off the minute the plot demands it (c.f. Sirius Black, Albus Dumbledore). MORAL: never trust an author.
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What To Do When You Encounter Harry Potter
1. Do not mention his Destiny unless he refers to it first. If he does speak of his Destiny, be admiring of his bravery and optimistic about his chances of survival. Do not offer to speak at his funeral, or enquire whether the Potter family vault is in good condition.
2. Do not mention the Tragic Death of his Godfather unless he refers to it first. When speaking of Sirius, make sure you keep your remarks complimentary: instead of "reckless" say "daring", instead of "bit of a bully" say "lovable scamp" instead of "slightly insane" say "lively company", and so on.
3. Do not mention the Tragic Death of his Mentor unless he refers to it first. If he does mention it, say "too bad", or something of that sort. You may want to pat him on the shoulder, too.
4. IMPORTANT NOTE: If you have an ingenious theory which proves that Snape was actually acting from pure and virtuous motives and is in fact a tragic antihero who will be dramatically redeemed in book 7, keep it to yourself.
5. DO NOT disrupt Harry's brooding, under any circumstances. As an Unlikely Hero who must shoulder a Burden of Responsibility, struggle against Impossible Odds, and come to terms with his Great and Terrible Destiny, Harry will have a certain angst quota to fulfil each day, and will not take kindly to being interrupted.
6. Offer him something to eat. He will need to keep his strength up if he's going to single-handedly save the world from evil. Good foods to offer would be Kendal Mint Cake, energy bars, chocolate, and vitamin supplements.
7. DO NOT ply him with alcohol. He will probably end up lying naked on the floor sobbing pathetically and singing "Que Sera, Sera" in a very high voice. Think how embarrassing it would be if Voldemort turned up when he was doing this.
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What To Do If You Have Accidentally Joined The Death Eaters And Now Regret It
1. Make sure your feelings of regret are genuine. You may just have had a difficult day at work. Perhaps the muggles you were terrorizing were more spirited than usual, or Voldemort decided to torture you for no apparent reason. When things like these happen it is easy to think that a change of career will solve all your problems. Examine your feelings closely: if you feel that - despite its vexations - deep down you really love your job, then put your doubts aside and get back to work (you insidious fiend, you).
2. If you are certain that you really want to leave the death eaters, DO NOT inform Voldemort of your decision. He is unlikely to present you with a gold watch and wish you luck in your future employment.
3. Sound out Dumbledore & Co. You may have to become a spy in order to convince them you've genuinely changed. Be prepared to grovel for 3-5 years in order to atone for your crimes.
4. Verbally abuse yourself at every opportunity. Make sure that no one is left in doubt about your guilt about being a death eater. With practice, even the most mundane conversation can be peppered with remorse and self-disgust. For example, "Would you like a cup of tea?" can be met with the response: "Alas! I (wretch that I am!) would greatly enjoy a cup of tea (not that I deserve it!) with milk and two sugars (and may I be cursed for it!)"
5. Save up the money to have your dark mark removed by a competent medical professional. DO NOT get drunk and attempt to cut it from your arm in an orgy of guilt and self-loathing - this is silly, clichéd, and extremely messy.
6. Prepare yourself for the fact that for the rest of your life, whenever you get into an argument with someone they will inevitably utter the "scathing" retort: "Well at least I wasn't a DEATH EATER!" It may be helpful for you to know that if you use someone's death eating past against them in an argument, it automatically means that the argument is over, and your opponent has won (this principle is known as Sev's Law).
7. Once you have been admitted into the side of light, refrain from blowing it all by doing something stupid (like killing Dumbledore, for example).
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What To Do If You Are Killed
1. Check that you are actually dying. It may just be a flesh wound.
2. If you are genuinely dying, deliver your last words. These should be thought out before hand, to avoid the last thing you ever say being something really lame like "Wands out, d'you reckon?" or "Come on, you can do better than that!" But remember to keep your final speech short, otherwise your audience may lose interest and wander off before you've finished.
3. Urge your listeners to avenge your death, regardless of how risky this will be to accomplish. (It's not going to be your problem, after all.)
4. Remain stoical: remember that the heroism of your death is directly proportional to the showiness of your funeral monument.
5. Once you are actually dead, decide whether or not you want to return as a ghost. If you do, choose something/someone nifty to haunt. [Hint: deciding to spend eternity haunting a toilet is not a good idea]
6. If reincarnation is an option, be sure to specify what gender and species you want to come back as. Failure to do this may result in an unpleasant surprise when you return to the mortal coil.
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What To Do If It Is Prophesied That You Will Either Kill Voldemort Or Be Killed By Him
1. Kill Voldemort.
2. Use your famous victory to angle yourself a lucrative advertising deal with a soft drink company.
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What To Do If Dramatic, Unexpected, Mystical, Magical, Mysterious, Exciting, Quite Frightening Things Happen On An Annual Basis
1. Relax. This is completely normal.
A Guide to Surviving the Worst in the Harry Potter Universe, With No Illustrations
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What To Do If The House Elves Revolt Against All Wizardkind In An Orgy Of Rebellion and Carnage - Don't Look At Me Like That It Could Happen
1. Don sturdy shoes. Due to their size, house elves will usually attack an opponent's feet first of all.
2. For similar reasons, armoured trousers are a good idea.
3. If you are reasonably short, you may wish to disguise yourself as an elf to avoid being attacked. To do this you will need a tea towel and complete disregard for the rules of English grammar.
4. Do not make the classic mistake of disguising yourself as the wrong sort of elf. Lord of the Rings was very badly received amongst the house elf community due to its erroneous portrayal of the elvish population as being tall, blonde, and nancing, and you will only incense them by dressing up as Legolas.
5. If cornered by a band of house elves, climb a tall tree. Do not be afraid that they will cut the tree down, as house elves are domestic servants and have no horticultural skills worth mentioning. But do not be surprised if they chuck frying pans at you instead.
6. Make friends with Hermione Granger. Join SPEW. Proclaim your support for the rebellion from the rooftops. Avoid the Malfoys and their ilk like the plague (until Malfoy Manor is razed to the ground, of course, when you can stop by and do a little quiet pillaging).
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What To Do If You Have To Attend A Formal Function
1. Make sure you know well in advance what sort of function you are meant to be attending. Avoid the embarrassing possibility of turning up to a Hogwarts Yule Ball dressed for a Dark Revel, or vice versa.
2. Find yourself a date. If you are attending a Yule Ball or similar, you will need to win your date's acceptance with flowers, compliments, etc. If you are attending a Dark Revel you will need to hit your date over the head with something heavy and tie them up.
3. Think your outfit through at least a week in advance. Make sure that your shoes, dress robes, etc are all chosen with due care. If you are taking chains/handcuffs, make sure they are not rusty and have been polished (avoid cheap restraints, as these will often leave unsightly green marks on your fellow guests' wrists, which is irritating for all concerned.)
4. If you feel nervous about the event, practise a few conversation-openers. Make sure these are appropriate to the sort of function you happen to be attending. For example, "Dumbledore was a pretty spiffy sort of bloke, wasn't he?" will not be well received if you are attending an elegant soiree chez Voldemort - whilst "Pass the bullwhip, please," is a perfect ice-breaker.
5. At the end of the evening, thank your host/hostess for a lovely time. If you have been to a Dark Revel, be considerate and remember to take any severed limbs with you. It is not the host/hostess' job to reunite people with their misplaced body parts the day after a party.
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What To Do If You Have To Spy On The Other Side Or The Other Other Side
1. Make sure your will and other legal documents are in good order.
2. Write insulting letters to everybody you know. Put them in a secure place where they will be discovered on the event of your death. (Make sure they aren't discovered before your death, obviously, in order to avoid needless kerfuffle).
3. Behave suspiciously: constantly move your eyes backwards and forwards as if watching an invisible tennis match, chuckle ceaselessly under your breath, make annoyingly obscure statements in a mysterious tone. This will immediately divert your colleagues' suspicions, as it is well known that the most suspicious person is never the spy.
4. If you are discovered, offer to become a double agent. If you are discovered to be a double agent, offer to become a triple agent. (Becoming a quadruple agent is not advised, as you may well end by imploding out of sheer confusion.)
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What To Do If Voldemort Has Captured Your Close Friend/Relative As Part Of An Unimaginative Plot
1. Take several deep, cleansing breaths.
2. Take several more cleansing breaths.
3. Make sure that your friend/relative has actually been captured. Do not accept dream visions/the word of someone who is known to loathe you/a funny feeling in your little toe as concrete proof.
4. Once you have checked that your friend/relative is really captured, check again. You cannot be too careful about this point. Imagine how humiliated you would be if you charged into Voldemort's lair to rescue the hostage only to discover that he/she is in fact sitting safe at home playing Monopoly with a close friend.
5. Once you have ascertained the capture is genuine, do not hastily assemble a small group of your closest friends and attempt to liberate your loved one. Instead, gather the cleverest people of your acquaintance and concoct a fiendishly cunning escape plan for your friend/relative's rescue.
6. Do not attend the rescue mission personally. Instead, remain at home and blow up balloons for the welcome home party that will follow your friend/relative's rescue.
7. If you are unable to rescue your friend/relative, do not offer yourself as a hostage in his/her place. Instead, meet a representative of Voldemort's for tea at a neutral location (Switzerland, for instance, or your local supermarket), and discuss ransom arrangements.
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What To Do If You Encounter A Wizarding Invention/Cultural Reference You Are Not Familiar With
1. Enquire what the invention/cultural reference is at the earliest opportunity. It will almost certainly be important to the story, and may also be important for your personal safety.
2. If you are alone and encounter a wizarding invention you have never seen before, don't touch it.
3. Don't prod it with your wand.
4. Don't drink it.
5. Don't jump into it.
6. Don't take it apart to see how it works.
7. Don't befriend it and tell it all your deepest secrets.
8. In short, keep well away from anything until you are sure how it works/what it does. Otherwise you may well experience a very messy accident (c.f. Bartholomew Jones, the muggleborn wizard who attempted to drink brandy from the Goblet of Fire in 1810, with disastrous consequences).
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What To Do If The School Is Attacked
1. Look for an escape route. For example, use the secret passageway that leads from Hogwarts to Honeydukes
2. Alternatively, escape using portkey, broom, hippogriff, hot air balloon, or similar. DO NOT show yourself up by forgetting that is impossible to apparate on Hogwarts' grounds. You will die and Hermione Granger will spit on your grave.
3. If escape seems impossible, hide.
4. If hiding is impossible, find a safe place in the battle (under a table, or something).
5. DO NOT: tell your friends how you wish to be buried, make your best friend promise to look after your family if you die, say that you always wanted to see the sea, talk about dead relatives you long to see again, wonder aloud what heaven would look like, wisely remark that death is not to be feared, etc, etc, etc.
6. Keep hold of your wand. As a precaution, take wands from any dead bodies you may encounter. (Don't worry, they would almost certainly want you to do this.)
7. If you loose your wand, avail yourself of a makeshift weapon: phials of potion can be thrown at an enemy, as can furniture, bricks, other students, etc.
8. If all else fails, play dead. Gnaw at enemy ankles when you get the chance.
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What To Do If You Are Attacked By A Dementor
1. Dementors feed off happy feelings, so make yourself unappetising by thinking depressing thoughts. Good topics would include: death, war, famine, disease, poverty, global warming, the fact that you are being attacked by a dementor.
2. If the dementor attacks you anyway, use a patronus charm. Do not be embarrassed if your patronus form is something stupid, like a snail or a packet of fish fingers. Dementors have no sense of humour, and will therefore not mock you.
3. If you are unable to use a patronus, fashion a decoy patronus from a large silver helium balloon, a huge quantity of tinfoil, a gigantic light bulb, or anything else that may be lying around.
4. Alternatively, when the dementor closes in on you to deliver the Kiss, pat it on the cheek and say "I had a great time tonight, babe, but let's not rush things, ok?" Whilst the dementor is confused/revolted, run away.
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What To Do When Duelling A Death Eater
1. Remain on your guard at all times. Don't get distracted by interesting scenery/the rather attractive Death Eater standing some distance away/wondering whether you've forgotten to tape Eastenders.
2. Aim to either stun or kill immediately. Don't show off with fancy jinxes or sparkling repartee - it will just waste time and make you look a total prat.
3. Do not taunt the death eater in the hope that s/he may become so angry that s/he may make a mistake. This is a stupid idea.
4. Make sure that you are fully cognisant of where you are duelling. DO NOT duel near:
- a large vat of deadly potion
- a cage with some sort of deadly creature in it
- unoccupied death eaters who may assist your opponent
- load-bearing walls/pillars (if inside)
- a sheer drop
- a veiled gateway into the great hereafter
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What To Do If You Are Carrying Voldemort's Vile Spawn Of Evil
1. Do your research. Giving birth to the Misbegotten Offspring of Iniquity is not like having a normal baby. In order to avoid unpleasant surprises, check how long your pregnancy will last, which orifice the baby will emerge from, etc.
2. Choose godparents carefully. They matter more in the Harry Potter universe, for some reason. It is as yet unknown whether the godparent has any financial claim on his/her godchild, or whether there's some kind of prima nocte deal operating, but you don't want your offspring to have a horrible surprise once s/he reaches the age of consent, so make sure you plan ahead.
3. Rejoice in the fact that robes are convenient and flattering garments to wear during pregnancy.
4. Prepare yourself for pregnancy side-effects. Due to the fact that you are carrying Voldemort's Accursed Progeny of Doom, you will be spared stretch marks and morning sickness. Instead, prepare yourself for manic laughter at inopportune moments, sweating blood, and the ability to turn your head round 360 degrees.
5. After the birth, run away, as Voldemort will have no further use for you and may well kill you to stop you hanging around being a nuisance and pestering him about child support.
6. Sell your story to Witch Weekly, and live in comfort for the rest of your life.
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What To Do If You Are Being Subjected To An Unforgivable
1. If the unforgivable is Avada Kedavra, get a friend or relative to step in front of the curse, offering their life for yours. Not only will this save you, you will also have some nifty protection from your attacker in the future.
2. If it is Crucio, thrash around with pain for a while. Feel free to let yourself go, as attempting to put on a brave front will simply provoke your attacker to subject you to the curse for longer.
3. If your attacker is putting crucio on you in order to make you reveal an important secret, reveal the secret immediately. Afterwards, claim that the death eater "tricked" you into betraying your friends (this declaration should be made with much wringing of hands and gnashing of teeth - try to look as wretched as possible).
4. If it is Imperio, check whether or not your attacker is actually forcing you to do something you don't want to. If you are being ordered to perpetrate acts of horrifying evil, you may wish to resist. If, on the other hand, you are being ordered to eat seven boxes of chocolates and take a long hot bath, you may find you have no choice but to yield to the diabolically evil will which is governing you.
5. The best way to resist imperio is to have heroic strength of character.
6. If you do not happen to have heroic strength of character, think of the most annoying song you can, and hum it to yourself. This should effectively drive the voice of your attacker out of your head.
7. If it doesn't work, the song you've selected obviously isn't annoying enough. Have you tried "The song that never ends?"
8. How about "Jesus wants me for a sunbeam"?
9. In extreme circumstances, you may have to try "It's a small world after all", but this should only be used as a last resort and with every possible precaution. (If "It's a small world after all" proves unsuccessful, then your attacker is simply too powerful and you are surely doomed. Sorry.)
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What To Do If You Need To Travel Through Hogwarts At Night
1. Ask yourself if the journey is really necessary. Could it be put off until morning?
2. If your errand is really essential, prepare yourself adequately beforehand. Make sure you are wearing shoes that enable you to run.
3. Similarly, make sure you are properly dressed. Avoid wearing pyjamas, as the likelihood of running into someone else is high, and you don't want your reputation to be tarnished by being seen in a gammy grey nightshirt, now do you?
4. Sensible equipment to take includes:
- Invisibility cloak
- Marauders' map or similar
- Your wand
- Small first aid kit
- Sword
- Full body armour
- Protective helmet
- Burly bodyguard or henchperson
5. If it is practicable, inform a trustworthy friend of your journey. This will ensure that there is someone to give the alarm if you do not return.
6. Refuse your trustworthy friend's offer to accompany you. It is unacceptable to drag your friends along with you in your wild, irresponsible escapades. (Unless you are Harry Potter, naturally, when you will probably be accompanied by a small entourage of 2-5 people as a matter of course).
7. Keep track of your bearings at all times. It is easy to get lost in Hogwarts and stray off into dangerous, forbidden locations which are important for plot purposes.
8. When out of your common room, never relax your guard for a moment. Keep a watch for any students/ghosts/teachers/death eaters posing as teachers/teachers posing as death eaters/giant snakes/ex-convicts/cats/caretakers/people in invisibility cloaks/incarnations of Voldemort that may be prowling the halls.
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What To Do If You Encounter A Book
1. Flee. It is probably evil and intent upon your destruction.
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What To Do If You Have Several Horcruxes Lying Around Which Are Essential For Preserving Your Immortality And Without Which You Will Be Mortal And Hence Killable, Making Them Vital Weapons For Your Enemies To Use Against You
1. Check up on them from time to time to make sure people haven't nicked them. Don't just strew them around the countryside as the whim takes you.
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What To Do If You Are Captured By Voldemort Or His Henchpeople/Henchbeings
1. Try to lighten the situation. Make yourself agreeable to your captors by complementing their dress sense, or crack a few jokes. This will ease the tension and hopefully put all present at their ease.
2. Assess the situation. Are you tied up? What death eaters are guarding you? Where are you situated? For what purpose have you been captured? Are you still alive? Answering questions like these will help you to determine the best way to escape.
3. If you are pureblood, make a big thing of it. Conversely, if you do not happen to be pureblood, keep the fact a secret if you possibly can. Yelling "I'm muggleborn and proud of it, you murdering death eater scum! RAAAH!" is not advised unless you are either a total martyr or weary of life.
4. Offer to join Voldemort. His followers keep dying or being taken to Azkaban, so he will always be in need of extra staff. Pretend you possess qualities lacking in his present death eaters: claim you are a qualified masseuse, a gifted infiltrator, intelligent, etc.
5. Do not offer sexual favours to Voldemort in return for your liberation. (This point cannot be stressed strongly enough.)
6. If you are imprisoned in a dungeon or similar, check whether there's anyone else in there with you. A brave, resourceful cellmate could help you escape. If you are less lucky then your cellmate may be completely insane and clad in rags, and attempt to chew off your feet whilst you're asleep.
7. REMEMBER: If you end up sharing a cell with Remus Lupin, you will be obliged to sleep with him to avoid being eaten when he becomes a werewolf. It is advised that you sleep with him immediately on arrival, regardless of what stage of the lunar cycle it happens to be, and whether or not he actually has access to a supply of wolfsbane. You can never be too careful, after all.
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What To Do If Voldemort Attacks You
1. When he curses you, duck. The curse will hit the death eater standing behind you. If you can keep this up for long enough, his entire circle of death eaters will be dead, and it should be fairly easy for you to run to safety.
2. Alternatively, acquire a wand which is a brother to Voldemort's. Use priori incantatum as a clever escape ploy.
3. If at all possible, be Harry Potter.
4. Call Voldemort "Tom". It really annoys him, and makes you appear formidable.
5. Better yet, up the ante and start addressing him as "Bob."
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What To Do If The Other Side Wins
1. Do not despair. Running round in small circles or banging your head repeatedly against a wall screaming "WHY?!! WHY?!!!!" will make you an easy target for Death Eaters.
2. Assess your position. Are you a known opponent of Voldemort? Are you pureblooded? Decide whether or not it is possible for you to pretend to have been a supporter of Voldemort all along.
3. If it is, then do so. Praise Voldemort at every opportunity, and present him with some kind of offering: a chest of gold pieces, a piece of valuable Slytherin memorabilia, the Philosophers' stone, your firstborn, or similar.
4. If it is not possible for you to pose as a supporter of Voldemort, go into hiding. Choose a location as far away as possible. New Zealand or Australia would be a good spot. America is a less advisable choice, as Voldemort - a keen fan of Desperate Housewives - has made it clear that this country will be next on his list of places to attack.
5. If you cannot leave Britain, resist the temptation to "go muggle". You will remain at risk, as muggles are a prime target of Voldemort's.
6. Instead, fake your own death. REMEMBER: this will make it impossible for you to pay social calls. Many people pretending to be dead have given themselves away by attending birthday parties, christenings, etc after their own funeral.
7. DO NOT be tempted to plot Voldemort's downfall. Wait for a Gallant Band of Unlikely Heroes Battling Against the Odds to do it for you. They will have The Power of Righteousness (and some really inspiring theme music) on their side.
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What To Do If J.K Rowling Hates You
1. Take comfort in the fact that somewhere in the depths of the internet lurks a small but passionate group fanatically devoted to you.
2. This passionate group will almost certainly devote pages and pages of fanfiction to rescuing you and giving you make-overs/better lines/an interesting back-story/redemption/true love/cups of tea. So take heart.
3. If you happen to be Umbridge, the above will unfortunately not apply to you, as 99.9996% of readers hate your guts. But do not despair. Instead, enjoy being bad as bad can be, safe in the knowledge that it's what you do best. (You know you love it, you saucy minx).
4. Remember that no matter how much J.K Rowling may like you, she will have no compunction about bumping you off the minute the plot demands it (c.f. Sirius Black, Albus Dumbledore). MORAL: never trust an author.
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What To Do When You Encounter Harry Potter
1. Do not mention his Destiny unless he refers to it first. If he does speak of his Destiny, be admiring of his bravery and optimistic about his chances of survival. Do not offer to speak at his funeral, or enquire whether the Potter family vault is in good condition.
2. Do not mention the Tragic Death of his Godfather unless he refers to it first. When speaking of Sirius, make sure you keep your remarks complimentary: instead of "reckless" say "daring", instead of "bit of a bully" say "lovable scamp" instead of "slightly insane" say "lively company", and so on.
3. Do not mention the Tragic Death of his Mentor unless he refers to it first. If he does mention it, say "too bad", or something of that sort. You may want to pat him on the shoulder, too.
4. IMPORTANT NOTE: If you have an ingenious theory which proves that Snape was actually acting from pure and virtuous motives and is in fact a tragic antihero who will be dramatically redeemed in book 7, keep it to yourself.
5. DO NOT disrupt Harry's brooding, under any circumstances. As an Unlikely Hero who must shoulder a Burden of Responsibility, struggle against Impossible Odds, and come to terms with his Great and Terrible Destiny, Harry will have a certain angst quota to fulfil each day, and will not take kindly to being interrupted.
6. Offer him something to eat. He will need to keep his strength up if he's going to single-handedly save the world from evil. Good foods to offer would be Kendal Mint Cake, energy bars, chocolate, and vitamin supplements.
7. DO NOT ply him with alcohol. He will probably end up lying naked on the floor sobbing pathetically and singing "Que Sera, Sera" in a very high voice. Think how embarrassing it would be if Voldemort turned up when he was doing this.
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What To Do If You Have Accidentally Joined The Death Eaters And Now Regret It
1. Make sure your feelings of regret are genuine. You may just have had a difficult day at work. Perhaps the muggles you were terrorizing were more spirited than usual, or Voldemort decided to torture you for no apparent reason. When things like these happen it is easy to think that a change of career will solve all your problems. Examine your feelings closely: if you feel that - despite its vexations - deep down you really love your job, then put your doubts aside and get back to work (you insidious fiend, you).
2. If you are certain that you really want to leave the death eaters, DO NOT inform Voldemort of your decision. He is unlikely to present you with a gold watch and wish you luck in your future employment.
3. Sound out Dumbledore & Co. You may have to become a spy in order to convince them you've genuinely changed. Be prepared to grovel for 3-5 years in order to atone for your crimes.
4. Verbally abuse yourself at every opportunity. Make sure that no one is left in doubt about your guilt about being a death eater. With practice, even the most mundane conversation can be peppered with remorse and self-disgust. For example, "Would you like a cup of tea?" can be met with the response: "Alas! I (wretch that I am!) would greatly enjoy a cup of tea (not that I deserve it!) with milk and two sugars (and may I be cursed for it!)"
5. Save up the money to have your dark mark removed by a competent medical professional. DO NOT get drunk and attempt to cut it from your arm in an orgy of guilt and self-loathing - this is silly, clichéd, and extremely messy.
6. Prepare yourself for the fact that for the rest of your life, whenever you get into an argument with someone they will inevitably utter the "scathing" retort: "Well at least I wasn't a DEATH EATER!" It may be helpful for you to know that if you use someone's death eating past against them in an argument, it automatically means that the argument is over, and your opponent has won (this principle is known as Sev's Law).
7. Once you have been admitted into the side of light, refrain from blowing it all by doing something stupid (like killing Dumbledore, for example).
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What To Do If You Are Killed
1. Check that you are actually dying. It may just be a flesh wound.
2. If you are genuinely dying, deliver your last words. These should be thought out before hand, to avoid the last thing you ever say being something really lame like "Wands out, d'you reckon?" or "Come on, you can do better than that!" But remember to keep your final speech short, otherwise your audience may lose interest and wander off before you've finished.
3. Urge your listeners to avenge your death, regardless of how risky this will be to accomplish. (It's not going to be your problem, after all.)
4. Remain stoical: remember that the heroism of your death is directly proportional to the showiness of your funeral monument.
5. Once you are actually dead, decide whether or not you want to return as a ghost. If you do, choose something/someone nifty to haunt. [Hint: deciding to spend eternity haunting a toilet is not a good idea]
6. If reincarnation is an option, be sure to specify what gender and species you want to come back as. Failure to do this may result in an unpleasant surprise when you return to the mortal coil.
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What To Do If It Is Prophesied That You Will Either Kill Voldemort Or Be Killed By Him
1. Kill Voldemort.
2. Use your famous victory to angle yourself a lucrative advertising deal with a soft drink company.
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What To Do If Dramatic, Unexpected, Mystical, Magical, Mysterious, Exciting, Quite Frightening Things Happen On An Annual Basis
1. Relax. This is completely normal.