For your viewing pleasure
An ongoing commentary as I watch the star of John Barrowman's career -- "Shark Attack 3: Megalodon"
First off -- Dude, that shark is so not a megalodon. It's tiny! Hardy bigger than your average great white. Puh-lease.
And of course there's the staple of all B-movies, the stilted dialog.
And now we have John Barrowman. It appears the script-writers want to play "how many times can we make John laugh fakely in 5 minutes". Despite all the fake laughter, he's still the only one in the movie so far who doesn't sound like he's reading from a prompter.
And now we see the shark again. Can they make up their minds? Several shots are of great whites, but others appear to be tiger sharks and one looked almost like a hammerhead. Not only are they showing far too much stock shark footage, it's not even the same species!
And now we have a tooth. Megalodon my ass! This tooth is the size of my thumb. Ever seen a megalodon tooth? They're as big as your palm! Why, when given the option of resurrecting a prehistoric giant shark for a horror movie, would they actually scale the thing *down*?!
Ah, the skinny dipping scene. We must all have one yes?
Gratuitous nudity? check
Gratuitous sex? check
Gratuitous bloody violoence? check
Annoying grunting sounds that are definitely not made by a shark? check
Hot female scientist? check
Um . . . did y'all do *any* research at all? You know the term chumming, but you don't know that it doesn't just involve throwing blood overboard. Works better when there's actual flesh involved.
Ah, playing the baby card are we? I assume mama's going to show up at some point?
Um, Cat? When you're trying to convince people not to kill the extinct shark for the sake of science, you might want to sound a little less like you're talking about the weather.
Ok, you've had a deadly shark attack and you know the thing's still hanging around but you *don't* close the beach? How stupid are you people? Forget I asked that.
And don't you have radio communication on your science boat? Why does preventing the shark from attacking other boats always seem to involve trying to outrun it? Use the damn radio!
Uh, John? Are you being paid by the "shit"? Because there are more creative things to say.
And what the hell's with the church? Lighting a candle is going to make the shark go away? Yeah, right.
Oh, here's mama. Don't you know killing the baby makes mama mad? At least that's more like the right size. Be better if it wasn't quite so fake. I mean, I could photoshop better than that.
Ok, when you confront the evil guy trying to hush things up so he doesn't loose money with the palm-sized mama tooth as proof we've got a *big* problem and he writes you off . . . take the tooth with you, dammit! Don't leave the evidence behind!
So how we gonna get rid of this thing? Hey, doesn't everybody have a torpedo laying around? At least this guy seems like the only other decent actor besides Barrowman in the whole movie.
Yay! Megalodon soup!
Uh-oh, there's another one. Looks like we can look forward to Shark Attack 4: Megaolodon 2!!
Gods I love crappy B movies.
First off -- Dude, that shark is so not a megalodon. It's tiny! Hardy bigger than your average great white. Puh-lease.
And of course there's the staple of all B-movies, the stilted dialog.
And now we have John Barrowman. It appears the script-writers want to play "how many times can we make John laugh fakely in 5 minutes". Despite all the fake laughter, he's still the only one in the movie so far who doesn't sound like he's reading from a prompter.
And now we see the shark again. Can they make up their minds? Several shots are of great whites, but others appear to be tiger sharks and one looked almost like a hammerhead. Not only are they showing far too much stock shark footage, it's not even the same species!
And now we have a tooth. Megalodon my ass! This tooth is the size of my thumb. Ever seen a megalodon tooth? They're as big as your palm! Why, when given the option of resurrecting a prehistoric giant shark for a horror movie, would they actually scale the thing *down*?!
Ah, the skinny dipping scene. We must all have one yes?
Gratuitous nudity? check
Gratuitous sex? check
Gratuitous bloody violoence? check
Annoying grunting sounds that are definitely not made by a shark? check
Hot female scientist? check
Um . . . did y'all do *any* research at all? You know the term chumming, but you don't know that it doesn't just involve throwing blood overboard. Works better when there's actual flesh involved.
Ah, playing the baby card are we? I assume mama's going to show up at some point?
Um, Cat? When you're trying to convince people not to kill the extinct shark for the sake of science, you might want to sound a little less like you're talking about the weather.
Ok, you've had a deadly shark attack and you know the thing's still hanging around but you *don't* close the beach? How stupid are you people? Forget I asked that.
And don't you have radio communication on your science boat? Why does preventing the shark from attacking other boats always seem to involve trying to outrun it? Use the damn radio!
Uh, John? Are you being paid by the "shit"? Because there are more creative things to say.
And what the hell's with the church? Lighting a candle is going to make the shark go away? Yeah, right.
Oh, here's mama. Don't you know killing the baby makes mama mad? At least that's more like the right size. Be better if it wasn't quite so fake. I mean, I could photoshop better than that.
Ok, when you confront the evil guy trying to hush things up so he doesn't loose money with the palm-sized mama tooth as proof we've got a *big* problem and he writes you off . . . take the tooth with you, dammit! Don't leave the evidence behind!
So how we gonna get rid of this thing? Hey, doesn't everybody have a torpedo laying around? At least this guy seems like the only other decent actor besides Barrowman in the whole movie.
Yay! Megalodon soup!
Uh-oh, there's another one. Looks like we can look forward to Shark Attack 4: Megaolodon 2!!
Gods I love crappy B movies.