Mata konna koto suru no ni...
/whore.
…I was hoping a few days ago- last night actually- that this year, the holidays wouldn’t suck so bad.
Last year I was still trying to get over Sami and the year before that was just hell.
This year… now all of a sudden, I have the attention of two potential love interests.
One wont see me that way because he’s afraid of his parents, and the other’s motives are fishy at best.
I know the reason behind both of their attention [not the WHY but the fact that its there] and I know all the why’s and what if’s I can come up with for why I shouldn’t even be thinking about messing with EITHER of them, let alone BOTH of them.
The fact that I’m already messing around with Felix worries me because Carter’s….
We’re talking again, after two weeks of nothing- not a DAMN thing- he missed me. And its not even that he said it so much that he proved it. With all his demanding looks and hopeful expressions, with his repetition of my name, with his determination to retain my attention.
…I called him and he called me back. And we talked for two hours… but I did the same thing with Felix last night.
I feel like I’m playing both of them, but I’m not really even sure that I AM because neither one of them want to label anything with me, they don’t want to clarify it to me or to themselves I suppose, but I’m very lost here and I cant really quite grasp the concept of ‘I’m cheating on- [name here]’ because I don’t even think this is considered cheating as I’m not officially WITH either.
I still want to go with Carter, these last two weeks were hard for me and I had to keep reminding myself that it was for my greater good, that I was okay without him, that I didn’t need him. And I’m still adamant about that, but I DID miss him terribly.
And Felix…
Augh. Lets just say that my temper’s a LOT healthier with him than with Carter- I don’t feel as much for that one as I do for my Cracker [ohgod, possessive nouns now? I‘m doomed] but he DOES make me feel girly and appreciated and attractive, but also stupid and awkward and clumsy.
Carter just makes me miserable and Happy at the same time.
I don’t know which is better right now.
The fact that I’m more attracted to Felix than Carter should play a key role here, but it doesn’t. even though getting close to Carter physically TERRIFIES me, I want it. If only he wouldn’t LOOK at me, I’d… I’d prolly have the balls to touch him more. I don’t even mind him touching, its just when he’s all weird that it scares me. I don’t mind it when he grabs me, be it to block or stay my hand or to restrain me. But he only does it when absolutely necessary. He’s never just grab me and TOUCH me.
…I think that’s what I want most from him. The contact, the knowledge that he isn’t afraid to be near me that way. *sighs* I’m a go smoke some more now.
Happy Thanksgiving my fellow Americans. Have fun and drink/smoke/drive responsibly.
…I was hoping a few days ago- last night actually- that this year, the holidays wouldn’t suck so bad.
Last year I was still trying to get over Sami and the year before that was just hell.
This year… now all of a sudden, I have the attention of two potential love interests.
One wont see me that way because he’s afraid of his parents, and the other’s motives are fishy at best.
I know the reason behind both of their attention [not the WHY but the fact that its there] and I know all the why’s and what if’s I can come up with for why I shouldn’t even be thinking about messing with EITHER of them, let alone BOTH of them.
The fact that I’m already messing around with Felix worries me because Carter’s….
We’re talking again, after two weeks of nothing- not a DAMN thing- he missed me. And its not even that he said it so much that he proved it. With all his demanding looks and hopeful expressions, with his repetition of my name, with his determination to retain my attention.
…I called him and he called me back. And we talked for two hours… but I did the same thing with Felix last night.
I feel like I’m playing both of them, but I’m not really even sure that I AM because neither one of them want to label anything with me, they don’t want to clarify it to me or to themselves I suppose, but I’m very lost here and I cant really quite grasp the concept of ‘I’m cheating on- [name here]’ because I don’t even think this is considered cheating as I’m not officially WITH either.
I still want to go with Carter, these last two weeks were hard for me and I had to keep reminding myself that it was for my greater good, that I was okay without him, that I didn’t need him. And I’m still adamant about that, but I DID miss him terribly.
And Felix…
Augh. Lets just say that my temper’s a LOT healthier with him than with Carter- I don’t feel as much for that one as I do for my Cracker [ohgod, possessive nouns now? I‘m doomed] but he DOES make me feel girly and appreciated and attractive, but also stupid and awkward and clumsy.
Carter just makes me miserable and Happy at the same time.
I don’t know which is better right now.
The fact that I’m more attracted to Felix than Carter should play a key role here, but it doesn’t. even though getting close to Carter physically TERRIFIES me, I want it. If only he wouldn’t LOOK at me, I’d… I’d prolly have the balls to touch him more. I don’t even mind him touching, its just when he’s all weird that it scares me. I don’t mind it when he grabs me, be it to block or stay my hand or to restrain me. But he only does it when absolutely necessary. He’s never just grab me and TOUCH me.
…I think that’s what I want most from him. The contact, the knowledge that he isn’t afraid to be near me that way. *sighs* I’m a go smoke some more now.
Happy Thanksgiving my fellow Americans. Have fun and drink/smoke/drive responsibly.