♪ Baby I'm bad news...
Well would ya look at the time?
Yep another stupid emo-whateverthefuck-I’m-so-retarded rant post thing.
What brings this on you might ask? Do you even NEED to ask? I’m not even gonna tag this cause I’m a perverse fucking retard that likes confusing the shit out of whoever she can.
Work, life, family, Cracker- GOD please shoot me.
There’s so much I want to get out, so much I want to say and do and explain and LEARN and ENJOY. I don’t know why I let myself be this pathetic needy THING that likes the sound of her own voice just so she wont feel like she’s invisible even though she cant fathom the idea of standing out, I’m a talking, walking oxymoron/contradiction. In everything I do and say and think and react, everything that surrounds me is a witness to my contrary eccentricities…
I’m spouting drivel again and trying to sound smart or sophisticated or articulate or WHATEVER. I don’t know I don’t KNOW and the monthly’s past already so I shouldn’t even be this fucking stupid right now but I am and I’m just so STUPID and retarded retarded retarded and I cant STOP myself.
I have so much in my head that I think about and realize and I cant keep up with myself sometimes and sometimes my mind tells me thing I don’t want to HEAR or realize and I cant HANDLE them because my emotions arent capable of that!
And by emotions I mean my heart. it’s a fragile fragile thing and how easily I’m affected by people scares the SHIT out of me because I shouldn’t care. I shouldn’t and I know but I do and I just cant STOP and even though my heart hates hurting, my mind is sadistic and likes torturing it. That right there should tell you how fucked up I am. I mean, who the hell can follow that kind of logic?
Carter makes me think about things I’m not ready to face nor that I want to acknowledge about myself. He make me want to be things that I swore.. I SWORE I would never be this. I swore when I was twelve years old, when I was fifteen, when I was eighteen, when I was twenty-two. I SWORE to myself that I wouldn’t do this, that I wouldn’t let someone else hold power over my emotions. Yeah, that’s not working.
I don’t make vows to myself because I know how easily I cave but I’ve sworn this time and time again throughout my life to remind myself that there’s a reason why I’m so adamant about keeping everyone away. Its so easy- so EASY to hurt me and I just give people the tools to do so because I’m a fool.
I don’t want to fall in love with Carter.
And that admission- you don’t know what its costs me to admit that I have those kinds of feeling for a man… for a boy.. For someone who doesn’t SEE me and who doesn’t know how hard I’m trying, how desperately I’m trying to keep away.
I thought at one point that I could have loved Sami- not been IN love with her, but it would have been more acceptable than this because she had the BALLS to face me. She was aggressive in ways I couldn’t fathom. And I need that. I need someone who can manipulate me. I need it like I need air, I need it in the way I beg with every fiber of my being to be controlled and guided and TAKEN. In every sense of the word.
I never realized how fucked up in my head I was until I read some things about control. I’m a very carnal person, I’m repressed in every atom and cell and molecule of my body. I need need NEED someone to force me out, someone to drag me kicking and screaming to face things that I cant deal with because it’s the only way- the ONLY way I’ll learn and release myself.
And he isn’t that. He could NEVER be that because we are TOO similar and even though I understand how compatible we could be, I also know how different we ARE and how difficult it would be for me to admit these shameful things. This confuses the shit out of me and I cant face him anymore- I cant LOOK at him anymore because I feel so ashamed and vulnerable and guilty and tainted. I’m mortified to realize that one word- ONE word from him and I’d lay myself at his feet. How stupid is that? How STUPID is that? I want to scream and cry and RAGE that it isn’t fair, that it isn’t fair to care about someone like this, that it isn’t fair that I’m retarded and don’t know how the fuck to deal with this.
When I’m with him I’m so torn between running from him hysterically or latching on to his arm and grinning doofily. I’m not USED to having a physical reaction to ONE person. I’m not USED to twitching every time I smell him, or how I become hyper-aware of how close we stand to each other sometimes and try to gauge his reaction to my proximity, I try try TRY to figure out what he’s thinking when I’m around and I cant and I know I shouldn’t but I’m stupid and want to KNOW.
I want so much to touch him. Just my fingers on his skin. His, arm, or elbow or hand. The urge to do that sometimes is so overwhelming, the urge to bury my nose in the nape of his neck, or to smooth my hand over his cheek when his dimples wink or to bite his shoulder when he pauses up beside me drives me mad and I need to HURT him to appease myself.
And now that he’s bringing me home just opens up a whole new can of worms that disgust and fascinate me. In that way that’s horrifying and makes your stomach turn but you just cant HELP but keep staring.
I cant be coherent with him. I really cant. When we’re talking in his car.. Its like.. Its.. Its just us and.. And that TERRIFIES me because this is a combination of the carter I like and know but its also makes me glimpse the person he himself hides. It reminds me of myself and I don’t know how to react. I don’t know how to pet his hand or smile at him with actual affection- I don’t KNOW how to be a friend to him. And THAT’s the sad, simple truth.
I’m fixated with him because he represents something I want. In many ways he’s the embodiment of a person I would want for myself, his personality is questionable but not in a bad way. He’s childlike and its like standing before an affection starved Naruto who holds out his hands to be loved and I see myself as an Older Sasuke… wanting to reach out and embrace him but instead simply sliding out Kusanagi and trying to take the life - but still wanting it with a terrifying confusion after having hurt the boy in his mind, in his affections, rejecting him with a fiery, unforgiving ruthlessness that puts the darkness to shame.
I don’t know what I’m saying anymore. I face-palmed and head-dessked so many times in front of him and he just doesn’t know what to make of me… If I were him I’d keep me at a distance… but he isn’t me and he wants to get to KNOW me more.
I just want to look at him with sad eyes sometimes and tell him ‘stay away Carter. I’m not right in the head. Just pretend I don’t exist.’ It would be so easy to dismiss him if he didn’t give me so much of his attention, if he didn’t demand mine in return. We do NOT revolve around each other. He isnt the Earth and I am NOT the moon. He isn’t Naruto and I am NOT Sasuke.
Life isn’t a fucking story. It just IS and I’m done. I’m fucking done and exhausted from trying to figure myself out, and trying to figure him out. I want to get away from him and I want to beg him to stay near.
In summation: DEARGODHAVEMERCYANDTAKETHISPATHETICSOULOUTOFITSMISERY. I suck.
[Edit}:
Naruto 402:
...ohFUCKdamnitall. Sasuke you DUMB ASS. *just cries now* this just tops it all. Naruto... NARUTO ** and Itachi. Itachi. Itachiiii... *sobbing* My shirts all wet now. haha... ohgod. I dont want to keep reading this manga anymore. I dont. not after that. not after THAT. I dont WANT to keep reading this but the art will keep me reading it and wanting to know what happens to Naruto.
I think a break is in order. I need a new series now. maybe I should get into BLEACH now and IchiIshi for a year, then come back to Naruto. or maybe... I dont know. Its like God/life wants to break me in every possible way. well congratulations. I need weed...or a shot.
...maybe.
Yep another stupid emo-whateverthefuck-I’m-so-retarded rant post thing.
What brings this on you might ask? Do you even NEED to ask? I’m not even gonna tag this cause I’m a perverse fucking retard that likes confusing the shit out of whoever she can.
Work, life, family, Cracker- GOD please shoot me.
There’s so much I want to get out, so much I want to say and do and explain and LEARN and ENJOY. I don’t know why I let myself be this pathetic needy THING that likes the sound of her own voice just so she wont feel like she’s invisible even though she cant fathom the idea of standing out, I’m a talking, walking oxymoron/contradiction. In everything I do and say and think and react, everything that surrounds me is a witness to my contrary eccentricities…
I’m spouting drivel again and trying to sound smart or sophisticated or articulate or WHATEVER. I don’t know I don’t KNOW and the monthly’s past already so I shouldn’t even be this fucking stupid right now but I am and I’m just so STUPID and retarded retarded retarded and I cant STOP myself.
I have so much in my head that I think about and realize and I cant keep up with myself sometimes and sometimes my mind tells me thing I don’t want to HEAR or realize and I cant HANDLE them because my emotions arent capable of that!
And by emotions I mean my heart. it’s a fragile fragile thing and how easily I’m affected by people scares the SHIT out of me because I shouldn’t care. I shouldn’t and I know but I do and I just cant STOP and even though my heart hates hurting, my mind is sadistic and likes torturing it. That right there should tell you how fucked up I am. I mean, who the hell can follow that kind of logic?
Carter makes me think about things I’m not ready to face nor that I want to acknowledge about myself. He make me want to be things that I swore.. I SWORE I would never be this. I swore when I was twelve years old, when I was fifteen, when I was eighteen, when I was twenty-two. I SWORE to myself that I wouldn’t do this, that I wouldn’t let someone else hold power over my emotions. Yeah, that’s not working.
I don’t make vows to myself because I know how easily I cave but I’ve sworn this time and time again throughout my life to remind myself that there’s a reason why I’m so adamant about keeping everyone away. Its so easy- so EASY to hurt me and I just give people the tools to do so because I’m a fool.
I don’t want to fall in love with Carter.
And that admission- you don’t know what its costs me to admit that I have those kinds of feeling for a man… for a boy.. For someone who doesn’t SEE me and who doesn’t know how hard I’m trying, how desperately I’m trying to keep away.
I thought at one point that I could have loved Sami- not been IN love with her, but it would have been more acceptable than this because she had the BALLS to face me. She was aggressive in ways I couldn’t fathom. And I need that. I need someone who can manipulate me. I need it like I need air, I need it in the way I beg with every fiber of my being to be controlled and guided and TAKEN. In every sense of the word.
I never realized how fucked up in my head I was until I read some things about control. I’m a very carnal person, I’m repressed in every atom and cell and molecule of my body. I need need NEED someone to force me out, someone to drag me kicking and screaming to face things that I cant deal with because it’s the only way- the ONLY way I’ll learn and release myself.
And he isn’t that. He could NEVER be that because we are TOO similar and even though I understand how compatible we could be, I also know how different we ARE and how difficult it would be for me to admit these shameful things. This confuses the shit out of me and I cant face him anymore- I cant LOOK at him anymore because I feel so ashamed and vulnerable and guilty and tainted. I’m mortified to realize that one word- ONE word from him and I’d lay myself at his feet. How stupid is that? How STUPID is that? I want to scream and cry and RAGE that it isn’t fair, that it isn’t fair to care about someone like this, that it isn’t fair that I’m retarded and don’t know how the fuck to deal with this.
When I’m with him I’m so torn between running from him hysterically or latching on to his arm and grinning doofily. I’m not USED to having a physical reaction to ONE person. I’m not USED to twitching every time I smell him, or how I become hyper-aware of how close we stand to each other sometimes and try to gauge his reaction to my proximity, I try try TRY to figure out what he’s thinking when I’m around and I cant and I know I shouldn’t but I’m stupid and want to KNOW.
I want so much to touch him. Just my fingers on his skin. His, arm, or elbow or hand. The urge to do that sometimes is so overwhelming, the urge to bury my nose in the nape of his neck, or to smooth my hand over his cheek when his dimples wink or to bite his shoulder when he pauses up beside me drives me mad and I need to HURT him to appease myself.
And now that he’s bringing me home just opens up a whole new can of worms that disgust and fascinate me. In that way that’s horrifying and makes your stomach turn but you just cant HELP but keep staring.
I cant be coherent with him. I really cant. When we’re talking in his car.. Its like.. Its.. Its just us and.. And that TERRIFIES me because this is a combination of the carter I like and know but its also makes me glimpse the person he himself hides. It reminds me of myself and I don’t know how to react. I don’t know how to pet his hand or smile at him with actual affection- I don’t KNOW how to be a friend to him. And THAT’s the sad, simple truth.
I’m fixated with him because he represents something I want. In many ways he’s the embodiment of a person I would want for myself, his personality is questionable but not in a bad way. He’s childlike and its like standing before an affection starved Naruto who holds out his hands to be loved and I see myself as an Older Sasuke… wanting to reach out and embrace him but instead simply sliding out Kusanagi and trying to take the life - but still wanting it with a terrifying confusion after having hurt the boy in his mind, in his affections, rejecting him with a fiery, unforgiving ruthlessness that puts the darkness to shame.
I don’t know what I’m saying anymore. I face-palmed and head-dessked so many times in front of him and he just doesn’t know what to make of me… If I were him I’d keep me at a distance… but he isn’t me and he wants to get to KNOW me more.
I just want to look at him with sad eyes sometimes and tell him ‘stay away Carter. I’m not right in the head. Just pretend I don’t exist.’ It would be so easy to dismiss him if he didn’t give me so much of his attention, if he didn’t demand mine in return. We do NOT revolve around each other. He isnt the Earth and I am NOT the moon. He isn’t Naruto and I am NOT Sasuke.
Life isn’t a fucking story. It just IS and I’m done. I’m fucking done and exhausted from trying to figure myself out, and trying to figure him out. I want to get away from him and I want to beg him to stay near.
In summation: DEARGODHAVEMERCYANDTAKETHISPATHETICSOULOUTOFITSMISERY. I suck.
[Edit}:
Naruto 402:
...ohFUCKdamnitall. Sasuke you DUMB ASS. *just cries now* this just tops it all. Naruto... NARUTO ** and Itachi. Itachi. Itachiiii... *sobbing* My shirts all wet now. haha... ohgod. I dont want to keep reading this manga anymore. I dont. not after that. not after THAT. I dont WANT to keep reading this but the art will keep me reading it and wanting to know what happens to Naruto.
I think a break is in order. I need a new series now. maybe I should get into BLEACH now and IchiIshi for a year, then come back to Naruto. or maybe... I dont know. Its like God/life wants to break me in every possible way. well congratulations. I need weed...or a shot.
...maybe.