Meme, Naruto Manga Fangirling- and Real life.
This is me- my thoughts and and emotions laid bare to the bone.
My crush thing I'm developing on Carter is getting VERY bad. I can feel it growing and festering and I'm both scared and horrified and ashamed of myself for debasing all the people I care about. I hate myself for thinking about him that way cause he doesnt DESERVE it and I'm always mean to him but I dont KNOW what to do with these emotions and just- I'm just so retarded when it comes to people.
I feel a LOT like Sasuke right now because Carter reminds me of Naruto SO much and my Naruto kick isnt GONE yet and just- I'M NOT DOING THIS AGAIN. NEVER AGAIN. NONONO. *fists her hair viciously* I'm NOT doing this again no matter how lonely or desperate or ALONE I am because I cannot- CANNOT go through that kind of pain again. I'm not even PUTTING myself in that position again. NEVER AGAIN.
This is bad. This is VERY BAD. You dont understand- its getting stronger and I'm AFRAID. I dont want to feel this way about a good person, a good young man who is nothing but hard-working and-
I feel bad. I feel so bad. I feel like I'm tainting him. Like by feeling this way I'm making him less- I dont know. like I'm demeaning his position in my mind. Is this what Sasuke felt? I DONT WANT TO THINK THIS. I DONT. THIS IS REALITY NOT FICTION AND MY RETARDED ASS DRAMA DOESNT MATTER AND I CANT SEEM TO BE REASONABLE ABOUT IT. *needs a cig so so bad right now*
Work's really steressing me out and I hate Hate HATE the holidays with so much fervor and passiona and I'm still alone and I CANT LET GO and now this and just- FUCK. WHEN THE FUCK AM I GONNA CATCH A MUTHER FUCKING BREAK?
I'm feeling really stupid again and I dont want to keep doing this. I cant be sane anymore can I? I'm sorry I cant be a good person and that I'm sarcastic and mean, I'm sorry I avoid you, I',m sorry I'm not confident enough in my own self-worth to make you proud of me-
I miss Mainor so much. I wasnt this depressed when he was here. it didnt matter- nothing mattered it was lal okay when he was here. there was family drama - but it was WORTH it, they're my FAMILY my blood and are worth it. he made everything okay. everything was OKAY when he was here.
I AM NOT SASUKE. *frightened* I'm seriously seeing too many similarities. This is BAD. My sanity is GONE. Jesus Christ.
I'm going to bed and pretending this isnt happening because I cant do anything else other than that. Its either that or shooting myself and I cant even do THAT because 1- where the FUCK is my mom gonna get the money to pay for my funeral? I may think I dont matter to my family- but what're they gonna do when I'm gone? Doris would need therapy. I know this. Jenny would be devastated and mom would be so so dissapointed and she'd be screwed financially- my brother would also be so dissapointed in my lack of strength to keep on going- I KNOW this. I KNOW and it sucks that they bind me to life. they bind me and I let them because I love them and that's why I'm so scared about caring for anyone- NONONO I'M NOT SASUKE GET OUT GET OUT STOP DISTURBING MY PSYCHE WITH THESE SIMILARITIES
this is very very disturbing and I'm scared out of my MIND because I see it- I SEE Sasuke in my mind and I want to scream and cry and I cant let a single noise out even as the tears keep coming and my chest constricts with pain-
GOD I need therapy.
My crush thing I'm developing on Carter is getting VERY bad. I can feel it growing and festering and I'm both scared and horrified and ashamed of myself for debasing all the people I care about. I hate myself for thinking about him that way cause he doesnt DESERVE it and I'm always mean to him but I dont KNOW what to do with these emotions and just- I'm just so retarded when it comes to people.
I feel a LOT like Sasuke right now because Carter reminds me of Naruto SO much and my Naruto kick isnt GONE yet and just- I'M NOT DOING THIS AGAIN. NEVER AGAIN. NONONO. *fists her hair viciously* I'm NOT doing this again no matter how lonely or desperate or ALONE I am because I cannot- CANNOT go through that kind of pain again. I'm not even PUTTING myself in that position again. NEVER AGAIN.
This is bad. This is VERY BAD. You dont understand- its getting stronger and I'm AFRAID. I dont want to feel this way about a good person, a good young man who is nothing but hard-working and-
I feel bad. I feel so bad. I feel like I'm tainting him. Like by feeling this way I'm making him less- I dont know. like I'm demeaning his position in my mind. Is this what Sasuke felt? I DONT WANT TO THINK THIS. I DONT. THIS IS REALITY NOT FICTION AND MY RETARDED ASS DRAMA DOESNT MATTER AND I CANT SEEM TO BE REASONABLE ABOUT IT. *needs a cig so so bad right now*
Work's really steressing me out and I hate Hate HATE the holidays with so much fervor and passiona and I'm still alone and I CANT LET GO and now this and just- FUCK. WHEN THE FUCK AM I GONNA CATCH A MUTHER FUCKING BREAK?
I'm feeling really stupid again and I dont want to keep doing this. I cant be sane anymore can I? I'm sorry I cant be a good person and that I'm sarcastic and mean, I'm sorry I avoid you, I',m sorry I'm not confident enough in my own self-worth to make you proud of me-
I miss Mainor so much. I wasnt this depressed when he was here. it didnt matter- nothing mattered it was lal okay when he was here. there was family drama - but it was WORTH it, they're my FAMILY my blood and are worth it. he made everything okay. everything was OKAY when he was here.
I AM NOT SASUKE. *frightened* I'm seriously seeing too many similarities. This is BAD. My sanity is GONE. Jesus Christ.
I'm going to bed and pretending this isnt happening because I cant do anything else other than that. Its either that or shooting myself and I cant even do THAT because 1- where the FUCK is my mom gonna get the money to pay for my funeral? I may think I dont matter to my family- but what're they gonna do when I'm gone? Doris would need therapy. I know this. Jenny would be devastated and mom would be so so dissapointed and she'd be screwed financially- my brother would also be so dissapointed in my lack of strength to keep on going- I KNOW this. I KNOW and it sucks that they bind me to life. they bind me and I let them because I love them and that's why I'm so scared about caring for anyone- NONONO I'M NOT SASUKE GET OUT GET OUT STOP DISTURBING MY PSYCHE WITH THESE SIMILARITIES
this is very very disturbing and I'm scared out of my MIND because I see it- I SEE Sasuke in my mind and I want to scream and cry and I cant let a single noise out even as the tears keep coming and my chest constricts with pain-
GOD I need therapy.